17 year olds

Before you lecture him too much find out exactly who and what went on.

Ask him if he was a parent and his 17 yr old son did that to him how would he feel.

I would ask him to be more honest in future - what if some expensive jewelery,etc went missing?

I would give him family planning/STD talk also if you haven't already.

I think it's pretty tame and normal though.

I wouldn't punish him too badly so he remains honest with you in the future, make him feel guilty, make him realise things could've turned out worse. make him pay for damage.
 
I think Judge Judy said it best, ...'everytime a teenager opens their mouth they will lie...'

I think it's just a test of human boundaries to lie to you about the drinking, # of people etc. Not an indication that you haven't raised him well. I was a nerdy/good kid & I still got up to no good like this.

Or, you & your partner could wait til he's out one night, get rotten drunk in his room, break a few items & leave some of your underwear about...I think he'll get the msg :D
 
I'm in agreeance with several of the posters to date.

I'd also leave the evidence in view, on the front steps, so it's the first thing he sees upon arriving home, that way, he knows what he's in for.

I agree about trying to remain calm instead of flying off the handle and let it be known (as already suggested) that you are massively disappointed (and perhaps shocked?) at his actions and it will take some time before your trust is earned again.

It's an awkward one WW due to the fact that he is on the verge of adulthood and is probably finding his way. Personally, I'd be disappointed in the lies and deceit more so than what happeneed. When asked, if he'd been truthful, I'd be more forgiving.

Hopefully, he will learn that it's not that easy to pull the wool over his old mans eyes and take a bit more responsibility in the future.

We all make mistakes and try different things in our youth.

Regards
Marty
 
Winston, one of the things I tried to do was not over punish my Kids through (me) over reacting at the time. When the dust had settled I always said that if they thought I was too hard, come and talk to me, as I haven't been a dad before and I'm still learning too.
 
The main point I think you should be getting accross to him is honesty. People who are 17 will drink, they will go to house parties. But if he can't be honest with you then that is the main problem. There is definitley too much for 7 but you don't know who invited the rest. Good luck stay calm and get the trust back

Jezza
 
No advice to offer WW except for some sympathy.

All that was not a few lads watching soccer. You would need to have some concern for the girls and for the health of them all. Gotta say I'm glad I missed all that. :)

ps Is it too much to hope that they raided their parents' stash and brought only half full bottles?

pps Who cleaned up? The boys would have been too ill.
 
Don't get angry

I agree with rugrat stay calm. I have been there with two teenage girls (only 16 months apart). They were a team and a force to be reckoned with. I would not get angry. Shock, disbelief and dissapointment are your greatest weapons. They all do stuff like this. It could be a lot worse. Let him approach you to explain because he will want to talk about it if you use those three weapons well. When he does want to talk about it you can explore together, the risks and negative consequences for himself and the others involved.

Best of luck
 
I am with Jezza and JASA and similar posters.

Getting angry will not get you anywhere, but let him know that you are disappointed, gutted at the deceit, and that the trust is gone (hopefully not for good).

Luckily our 21 year old and 18 year olds have not been drinkers, so we have not had these issues. They do have "a drink" now but with a zero limit, they take it seriously and don't want to lose their licence or their life.

Having alcohol and drug issues on both sides of the family and seeing the havoc these issues have caused to the "abusers" and the families has also had a rather "sobering" affect on their choices.

Friends had a 15 year old party a few years ago and searched backpacks and handbags and removed the alcohol and kept prowling the bedrooms to keep removing amorous couples :eek:. They did allow alcohol (one nip at a time, dispensed by the parents) but even that is a bit risky and if something had happened, I don't know how the law would have seen their choice to do that.

I'm just glad we avoided this particular alcohol issue, but we still have one who is 14 so we are not out of the woods yet.
 
I have a little bit of a different opinion but I know everyones kids are different so we have to handle situations differently. Do you get angry with your son very often? If not..I would show how angry you are and raise your voice if you need to and let him know you are really angry and disappointed with his actions. It wont hurt him and he will think twice before he does it again.

We have had a similar situation. We have a pretty close relationship with our kids and are not ones to yell and scream at every little thing they do. If I do get angry with them (which is very rarely) they know I am serious and they have over stepped the mark. We ended up having a really good conversation about the situation and they are much more open about what they are doing when we go away.

Good luck..it can be a really tough time.

I
 
Oh dear, being the parent of teenagers also, my opinion is that they have completly different morals and values then we do, despite thier upbringing and what they have been instilled with. I also had children at both government and private schools and can also state that there is no difference in thier behaviours and attitudes, except the private school kids have a better quality of liquor.

When I began having little issues with my two, at first I thought it was the "other" child especially when thier parents did not have similiar values to mine. With time though think it is around the board type attitude regardless of social or parental values.

I have also found they do not cover thier tracks like we did, and do not care much when they are caught out regardless of the ground rules and consequences of thier actions.

Chatting with them most of them have the attitude that "this is what our generation do". The "good" kids are remorseful when caught out, but it does not seem to stop them and they all seem easily lead.

My oldest had very strict consequences when ever she was caught out but it has not made any difference when she breaks the house rules or I hear of any misgivings in her behaviour, and I often do hear of things as other parents tend to let you know.

I have almost given up and think, you make your own life and have to live to the consequences of your behaviour, only because nothing seems to work.

Having said all that basically they are all good kids but they just seem to want to grow up to quickly.
 
I was an absolute angel when I was living at home with my parents :D

Then I moved out, went to uni, and discovered sex and booze. Can't remember what order exactly.

And whaddayaknow, I was 17 at the time. Must be a good age.

And I must be getting old, that's half my life gone since then. And I second the talk on family planning - my 2.9999999 kidlets were caused by beer, champagne and liqueur tokay, and something else they probably taught us in high school biology but can't remember right now. Must get it figured out sometime soon, 3 is quite enough :eek:
 
You've probably spoken to your son already, but if I were you I would talk to him again when everything has completely calmed down.

I would also stress that you encourage him to be completely honest with you while at the same time you stay calm. Be clear on what you consider the issues to be.

Remind yourself he is almost an adult and it is best that you slowly ease yourselves into the adult/adult relationship mode.

Take the opportunity to ask him what he thinks is appropriate behaviour and freedom at his age and come to some sort of agreement that suits you both (taking into consideration he's still living in YOUR house) so he doesn't feel the need to hide things from you.

I've given my son quite a bit of freedom of late but with it must come responsibility and honesty. I've made that extremely clear and he seems to appreciate that.
 
Id ask him if he got any? They say those drinks are Australias number 1 reason aussies have a high birth rate :)

On a serious not, Id test his charachter and say something alongt lines of I heard you had a party? how was it?

See what response is, and then have a go for lieing, and then tell him you are fine with it. But he needs to be open and tell you.

This way you will have an open relationship with your kids for years to come.

in 5 years time he will prob be living by himself and within a year he can be at pub drinking every night if he wants so you cant really have a go at him for drinking.

Its the lieing and deciet you need to harnish.

Goodluck!
 
I second the talk on family planning - my 2.9999999 kidlets were caused by beer, champagne and liqueur tokay, and something else they probably taught us in high school biology but can't remember right now. Must get it figured out sometime soon, 3 is quite enough

LOL I 2nd this approach.with a twist :D

When my 15ish-yo son started "looking" at girls in a "lust-uous" manner :)
I started taking 27% of his part time job wages!!!!:eek:
THEN when he protested LOUDLY I made him have a chat with my brother who had 2 kids to 2 girls :p.....................Suddenly his interest in sport training was amplified.

He is now 25 and when I ask him if he has SERIOUS girl friend ..he tells me NOOOOOO and that he "double bags" (this is tooooo much information for a mother to know :D)
 
OK, I stayed calm, and channeled the energy where I felt it would be most effective.

Consequences:
- iphone taken away for good. has to go back to using a more basic phone.
- internet restricted to study time. no downloading of itunes and movies for the rest of grade 12. no msn messenger or other chat.
- he got his P driver's license today, and was to be granted use of one of the cars. that's canned until October.
- grounded from social events until October except for sport, school, and his job 2x 4 hour shifts.
- additional chores and responsibilities at home.
- banned from watching his two favorite tv shows for a month - Top Gear and Bear Grylls Survivor show.
- phone the two closest neighbours and apologise (though they say the fracas could have been worse)
- $300 from his wages will go towards professional carpet and lounge cleaning.

OK, the story goes thus:

Half a dozen mates arrived Thursday afternoon about lunch time, and a drinking session started shortly after. The soccer game was later that night. A few SMSs and hours later, there were 20 people here (which I think is a nice round UNDERESTIMATE). 17 guys and 3 girls so the story goes.

After the soccer game, about half of them went home, and the other half slept the night, and hung around until lunch time.

We asked if there was any more he wanted to add, or did he want to change the story. He said no. I decided to ask a few specifics:

- who bought the alcohol.
- how many were 18yo or older
- how many weren't from school
- how many heavy drinkers were there.
- how much did you drink and who was keeping an eye on the house and property while you were tanked
- did the girls drink heavily. did the three of them stay the night.
- how many got behind the wheel and drove home in the middle of the night.


I then presented a list of the total alcohol at the party as per the empties in the bins, and asked him to divide that by 20 people, and did he want to revise his story.....which he did, at which point we said we'd heard enough.

In answer to some of your questions
- he is the youngest of two. the other is 19.
- he was warned that only the friends he mentioned could come.
- he was told a quiet night watching the soccer was fine, and it was ok for his mates to stay the night, as long as they respected the house in general, and especially the expensive persian rugs, off white carpet, and leather lounges in the tele room.
- the only specific consequences he was warned of beforehand was that he'd be grounded and would not get the use of the cars after getting his P plate.
- My parting words before we left to go away were: "We've given you a long piece of rope. Don't hang yourself with it"
 
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