Our family is in the situation where our mother is faced with being put in a nursing home. She's had Parkinsons for a few years but she got around unaided and she was quite capable of doing her everyday things. About 6 months ago she started having episodes of Lewey Body Dementia (dementia associated with Parkinsons). The doctor halved her dosage which we thought was a bit drastic but my parents are old school - doctor knows best. Mum plummeted. At her next visit to the doctor we asked if we could increase her meds and he OK'd it - Mum lifted quite quickly. However, we were told that Mum would need full time care within 6-12 months - Dad was devastated and wasn't able to deal with the paperwork or do what was necessary to get the ball rolling so we were ready for when the time come. He let us do the homework on it all but still wouldn't deal with the paperwork and kept putting it off. Then Mum needed to go to hospital to have a growth removed from her face. This all went well but her Parkinsons medication was buggered up and Mum plummeted again. Dad got her home and back to a regular routine and Mum lifted again but the dementa was more noticeable. A couple of weeks later she was rushed to hospital with pains in her stomach and was operated on for a perforated ulcer. She survived the op but her medication was stuffed about again as they were only dealing with her as a surgical patient (Nil By Mouth) not as a Parkinsons patient as well and thought her delirum was due to the anesthetic and pain killers. Mum plummeted again. It was strongly recommended that Dad not take her home but he insisted and within 3 days of having her home had her up and walking again. So well in fact that on day 3 she got up by herself at 5am to make a cuppa and fell over gashing her head and breaking her hip. Dad, who had had only 6 hours sleep during those 3 days hadn't felt her get out of bed. So back to hospital she went and survived the hip operation which was considered risky. Her meds were stuffed up again.
The dementia has well and truly kicked in now and we only have brief episodes of her being lucid and alert. She's also very weak from all the bed rest, has swollen feet and legs due to fluid and is totally immobile. Dad has been insisting that he bring her home again and we've been arguing that's not a good idea. The words Judas, traitors and treacherous has crossed his lips (although not in an angry way) because we don't support him in his decision. Last Friday a meeting was held with the social worker, doctor, head nurse, physio and 2 of my sisters - they strongly recommended that Dad not take her home and that she needs full time care in a nursing home. Dad felt ambushed and said he needed the weekend to think about it. My sisters went home and I spent the weekend with Dad.
Quitely, we talked about why he wanted to bring her home, why he shouldn't, what was best for both of them, and I planted some seeds in his mind for him to think about. It helped that some of his senior cit friends rang and also said that a nursing home was the right thing to do. Dad said, "not one person is supporting me - not one - that means either I'm the only one who is right or I'm the only one who is wrong". I didn't say anything. I watched him mull things over and let things take their course.
Mum was very bright and alert on Saturday but Sunday was sleeping most of the time, and when awake spoke about nonsense things and people - Dad was disheartened. Saturday night I plied him with beers and let him talk about Mum. I'd heard the story before about how Dad had heard a laugh in the Mess Hall (they were both in the RAAF) and had said "I like the sound of that laugh - I'm going to marry that girl", but I hadn't heard the story of how Mum ordered a pint and the barman said "if you can chugalug that pint I'll give you another one for free." Mum chugalugged it and got a free pint. Dad had to help her back to her barracks that night, but not before he let her kiss a group of soldiers going to the front line.
He pottered about touching her things and talking about all the great times they'd had and about how he used to complain that everywhere they went Mum picked up a pretty or interesting rock or pebble of the area they were in. Now they are reminders of the extensive travelling they did around Australia in a landrover with a sticker on the back that said 'Why Be Normal.'
I chose to stay another day and went into the hospital with Dad on Monday (D Day - Decision Day). Mum was having another 'bad' day and Dad sat holding her hand deep in thought - I sat in the corner quietly watching him. Finally he gave 3 wracking great sobs fighting to hold himself together, and said, I've made my decision - tell Teresa (my sister) to bring the paperwork. The both of us in tears, I hugged him and told him he wasn't betraying Mum and that if she could understand I'm sure she'd agree with his decision. I rang my sister and she drove 3 hours to get there to meet with the medical people and social worker and get the paperwork signed.
Late in the afternoon Dad went to stay with another sister who lives in the area and my sister and I drove home in our own cars. I usually play the radio or CD's, but I drove home in silence. I'd contained my emotions (just) the whole weekend and I still had to do it while I drove home doing 110kms on the expressway and couldn't drive through tears. I was aching with tension. I got home to an empty house and within 15 minutes of being home was in the middle of a horrible storm and then got a blackout - not even my phones worked because I've got walkabout phones. I had a shower by the light of the moon, then sat on the lounge in the darkness and howled like a baby. We'd conviced Dad that putting Mum in a Nursing Home was the right thing, but somehow I felt like I had betrayed them and let them down. No-one was there to convince me other wise.
There's more trials ahead as wait for the rolling ball to stop and the red tape to all be cut so we are then allowed to go 'shopping' for the right place to settle Mum. Meanwhile Mum stays in the hospital or will be moved to a transitional place.
Just 3 short months ago my Mum was smiling and laughing at my daughters wedding, was alert and witty and kept walking out onto the dance floor to join in the dancing - a bit of a scare for us because my daughter married a Turk and thier dancing is similar to Greek 'Zorba" dancing - quite lively and fast moving...............and now my Mum, the one we all know and remember - is gone. It's all happened so fast because of the various illnesses and accidents she's had just recently I don't think any of us has processed it properly and are a bit shellshocked by the speed that everything happened in.
Has anyone else had to go through this? Was it as hard for you? Does it get any better? And on a more practical note - does anyone have any personal recommendations for Nursing Homes within 50 kms of Tanilba Bay (Newcastle way). We have a list but personal recommendations would be helpful.
Thanks for 'listening'..........
Olly
PS: Life doesn't suck - running out of life does.
The dementia has well and truly kicked in now and we only have brief episodes of her being lucid and alert. She's also very weak from all the bed rest, has swollen feet and legs due to fluid and is totally immobile. Dad has been insisting that he bring her home again and we've been arguing that's not a good idea. The words Judas, traitors and treacherous has crossed his lips (although not in an angry way) because we don't support him in his decision. Last Friday a meeting was held with the social worker, doctor, head nurse, physio and 2 of my sisters - they strongly recommended that Dad not take her home and that she needs full time care in a nursing home. Dad felt ambushed and said he needed the weekend to think about it. My sisters went home and I spent the weekend with Dad.
Quitely, we talked about why he wanted to bring her home, why he shouldn't, what was best for both of them, and I planted some seeds in his mind for him to think about. It helped that some of his senior cit friends rang and also said that a nursing home was the right thing to do. Dad said, "not one person is supporting me - not one - that means either I'm the only one who is right or I'm the only one who is wrong". I didn't say anything. I watched him mull things over and let things take their course.
Mum was very bright and alert on Saturday but Sunday was sleeping most of the time, and when awake spoke about nonsense things and people - Dad was disheartened. Saturday night I plied him with beers and let him talk about Mum. I'd heard the story before about how Dad had heard a laugh in the Mess Hall (they were both in the RAAF) and had said "I like the sound of that laugh - I'm going to marry that girl", but I hadn't heard the story of how Mum ordered a pint and the barman said "if you can chugalug that pint I'll give you another one for free." Mum chugalugged it and got a free pint. Dad had to help her back to her barracks that night, but not before he let her kiss a group of soldiers going to the front line.
He pottered about touching her things and talking about all the great times they'd had and about how he used to complain that everywhere they went Mum picked up a pretty or interesting rock or pebble of the area they were in. Now they are reminders of the extensive travelling they did around Australia in a landrover with a sticker on the back that said 'Why Be Normal.'
I chose to stay another day and went into the hospital with Dad on Monday (D Day - Decision Day). Mum was having another 'bad' day and Dad sat holding her hand deep in thought - I sat in the corner quietly watching him. Finally he gave 3 wracking great sobs fighting to hold himself together, and said, I've made my decision - tell Teresa (my sister) to bring the paperwork. The both of us in tears, I hugged him and told him he wasn't betraying Mum and that if she could understand I'm sure she'd agree with his decision. I rang my sister and she drove 3 hours to get there to meet with the medical people and social worker and get the paperwork signed.
Late in the afternoon Dad went to stay with another sister who lives in the area and my sister and I drove home in our own cars. I usually play the radio or CD's, but I drove home in silence. I'd contained my emotions (just) the whole weekend and I still had to do it while I drove home doing 110kms on the expressway and couldn't drive through tears. I was aching with tension. I got home to an empty house and within 15 minutes of being home was in the middle of a horrible storm and then got a blackout - not even my phones worked because I've got walkabout phones. I had a shower by the light of the moon, then sat on the lounge in the darkness and howled like a baby. We'd conviced Dad that putting Mum in a Nursing Home was the right thing, but somehow I felt like I had betrayed them and let them down. No-one was there to convince me other wise.
There's more trials ahead as wait for the rolling ball to stop and the red tape to all be cut so we are then allowed to go 'shopping' for the right place to settle Mum. Meanwhile Mum stays in the hospital or will be moved to a transitional place.
Just 3 short months ago my Mum was smiling and laughing at my daughters wedding, was alert and witty and kept walking out onto the dance floor to join in the dancing - a bit of a scare for us because my daughter married a Turk and thier dancing is similar to Greek 'Zorba" dancing - quite lively and fast moving...............and now my Mum, the one we all know and remember - is gone. It's all happened so fast because of the various illnesses and accidents she's had just recently I don't think any of us has processed it properly and are a bit shellshocked by the speed that everything happened in.
Has anyone else had to go through this? Was it as hard for you? Does it get any better? And on a more practical note - does anyone have any personal recommendations for Nursing Homes within 50 kms of Tanilba Bay (Newcastle way). We have a list but personal recommendations would be helpful.
Thanks for 'listening'..........
Olly
PS: Life doesn't suck - running out of life does.
... if your father and mother are happy with the care she is receiving and she has settled into her new surroundings comftably.
