Dilemma with wife's parents

[softmonkey]

Anyway, I would have thought when you lose your mental capabilities to a significant extent that you require care, the last of your concerns would be establishing networks and frendships in a care facility .

I think it should always be about what the elderly parent wants, rather than what makes us comfortable.

With respect, it is pretty obvious we went along for too long with what she wanted. We let her continue driving till she became a menace on the road, and she gave up her car only with the greatest reluctance. We let her stay at home, alone, for years, rapidly losing her sharpness due to lack of stimulation despite us visiting as often as we could. When she finally agreed to move to a village she socialised for about a year but she hadn't had the chance to form the friendships and the routines with enough depth and habit to persist as her acuity dropped. If you're familiar with senility, you'll know how important an established routine is as a coping strategy. Now she spends her days sitting in her room unable to remember anything or anyone and not wanting to venture outside despite the many and varied activities that are available. The sad thing is that she's as fit as a Mallee Bull and likely to get a telegram eight years from now.

If I ever become single at the age of 70-80 I know that I would want to be whacked on the head with a shovel or forced straight into an intensely social environment, not left to fester and wallow in my own home.

 

[weg]

As an outsider looking on, it can appear like they're 'festering' in their homes, especially if the have mobility issues.

I just thought you underestimated how fiercely protective a person is when it comes to staying put.

If they AREN'T open to suggestion to move, and they're still ablebodied and of sound mind (when you suggested is the best time to move) I don't think applying the pressure is to do so is necessarily the best or the right thing to do .

Imo, if it's social interaction they're missing they should be encouraged and helped to tap into social groups - lots of stuff around. That's less drastic than pressuring a person that doesn't want to go anywhere to sell their place!

My 86yo aunt lives alone in a big house with pool and large high maintence garden, but if her daughters had their way she would have sold the place 12 years ago when her husband died, against what she wanted but because they thought it best (they eventually realized by her lack of lack of enthusiasm when looking for a unit and by us telling them their mother had expressed her unhappiness to my mother that she didn't want to go anywhere).

Instead they emptied out the pool, hired some some home help and she tends the garden helself .

She won't even do 'sleepovers' for company at my mums house 400m away because she prefers to sleep at her own home, as does my 81yo mum.

How old are you softmonkey? Some posters here are near 70. Should they have children and grandchildren knock them on the head with a shovel and put in a retirement home?

My other aunt now age 75, travelled America by herself 5 years ago, and recently knocked down her old pergola and built an nice new shmick one (indicates pride and enjoyment of her home to me).

 

[sanj]

Im definitely with Weg on this one.

 

[Nibbles55]

I think it's better if the elderly stay in their own home as long as they want to if their only frailty is physical. There are many support services as others have pointed out. However, once dementia sets in it can be better to move into aged care while the person still has the capacity to build new memories - so they recognise the regular carers, can find their way around, and so on. I was forced to find somewhere for my mum after keeping her at home for as long as possible, and in many ways I regret not doing so earlier, because the transition was very hard.

 

[wylie]

In my experience, once dementia sets in, it doesn't matter where they are because at lunchtime they will not recognise the people they sat with at breakfast.

My father asked with surprise "where is this?" each time we took him out of his nursing home for any reason. He didn't recognise the nursing home after being away for an hour. I don't know if he recognised the nurses/carers? It was tough visiting him, knowing I was leaving him with "strangers". But we couldn't have had him live with us at home. It was 24 hour care, secure unit, all consuming.

 

[kathryn d]

We have the opposite problem.
The only fear my mother ever had was to go to a nursing home. A few years back, when she still had a clear mind, she made a video outlaying her concerns.(my brother taped it)
We have always promised that as long as she is able to remain on her own, we will abide by her wishes.

She moved a few years ago from her house, to a unit directly across the hall from my brother (he is the super/caretaker of the building). They now prepare her evening meal, and attend to all medical concerns.
She does basically nothing all day, but her elderly friend visits each evening (she also lives in the building).

She has her long term memory, but not her short term. I can visit, and 30 minutes later, not remember I was there. At times she forgets she is my mother.

We said when she no longer remembers my brother (who is her primary care giver) we will need to reassess the situation. Physically, she is good for 82.

Trippy- what works for other families might not work for yours.
From your post, they seem to embrace the idea of living in a granny flat close to you.

 

[wylie]

Trippy- what works for other families might not work for yours.

This is the bit that is most important.

Friends of ours travel a lot and her parents (now in their 80s) make her feel so guilty for not being in Brisbane at their beck and call. They are busy each day with one thing and another, but are getting physically frail and want her to do more and more, which she does, but they will not consider moving into something smaller where they can get help. They expect her to drop everything when they want her. Their son doesn't live in Brisbane and doesn't have much contact with them other than a quick call every week or so.

She is lamenting that they didn't move into a facility several years ago when they first looked at it, because she believes they are too frail now for such a big move, and also they don't want to give up their piano and all the other "stuff" they have collected. They have no wish to downsize, but believe she should be at their beck and call and stop travelling in case they need her. They want it both ways, it seems, and who cares that their daughter's life is impacted so much by their decision.

My mother always told us she never wanted us to take her in if she couldn't look after herself (but I would have done that for her - and she knew it - we were very close). She watched my father's older sister take in his mother and how it curtailed her life for many years, having to look after and feed her. It tied her to the house, just like having a baby. But the baby never grows up. She always said she never wanted this burden for us. As it was, she spent her last three months in hospital before passing away. I would give anything to have her back.

These decisions need to be made after taking into consideration every aspect, and there is no universal right or wrong.