finances in a marriage

I have raised this before about a relative of mine who is marrying both for the first time and hoping to have kids. The guy is someone who earns very well, but in the past has not been generous with groceries, or meals. she would be more generous on her average wage than he is. I thought it had been resolved for a while but the engagement and wedding expenses seem to bring it all to a fore again.

they are marrying overseas and there is alot of pressure on her to save for her part of the expenses, when her income is an average one and his is a large one and they had their engagement a month ago, which the cost of that being split between them was alot of pressure on her too. Is this normal .it doesnt look good to me.

I've seen dr phil shows where dr phil shows guys a picture of how sad their wife is and says how horrible they treat their wife and asks if thats how sad they want their wife to feel about them and about their marriage. I've seen stories of wives having to beg for every item they need. I would hate to see waht would happen if she is overloaded with children from him and having financial stress, while he doesnt think twice of travelling or doing anything costly for himself.

what experience do others have?
 
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I dare say all the comments from the old thread still hold true ;)

No, it's not normal. No, it's not a good start to the marriage. Yes, she should do something about it (leave him, demand change, whatever).

But you know what? In the end it is not your problem to fix or change, and I have found prople do what they will regardless of what I or anyone else thinks they should.
 
Seriously Francine you must get out and meet ordinary people. You, personally, cannot house the world's unwanted kittens and that (figuratively) seems to be your aim.
 
I had neighbours like that. Husband doled out a small wage to the wife while he bought things for himself whenever he liked. I was very surprised when the wife mentioned it. I thought that only happened "in the olden days" :D

It surprises me that people get married with no plan for their future.

I'm not religious but a young couple I know getting married "had" to attend a weekend workshop with their church for people getting engaged. They did workshops where they discussed relationships, their plans etc.
I though it was a great idea.

My daughter was with a long term partner and was looking at houses and they had not discussed anything of their future.

What is their plan if they have kids? Will she need to keep working so she has money as he won't share his? Scary stuff.

I have a relative like this. SUPER rich but when he got married his wife had to keep working part time after she had 2 kids as he wouldn't give her any money.
 
Travel bug - we have to do a series of relationship workshops with our church before we got married there were about six other couples doing it with us. DH and I had been living together for so long before then we had already discussed eveything and then some, but some of the other couples hadn't discussed ANY of it. And 2 of the other couples actually ended up breaking up before getting married.

I think these courses should be complusory for eveyone before tying the knot. If we forced people to do the work before getting married, who knows, it might just result in less divorce.
 
yes i agree. we have so much quality control and interviewing to make sure workers or products are of a high quality. families are the basis of society and yet what sort of quality control exists? He seems a really good quality loving guy in other ways, but money leads to so much daily stress or ease.the pressure its putting her under is enormous and ridiculous. It worked last time she talked to him about stresses that came up. I dont know why she doesnt do that now.they have known each other for a couple of years and lived together for several months.they have talked about most things bt finances seems to still be a real worry.

there have been tv shows that talk about couples putting so much work into planning the wedding, instead of preparing properly for the years of marriage to be solid.
 
What you describe is another form of domestice violence. Alarm bells start to ring hearing this because often it is just the start of things getting worse.
 
What you describe is another form of domestice violence. Alarm bells start to ring hearing this because often it is just the start of things getting worse.

All Francine has described is a bloke that expects his partner to contribute towards the coming marriage.

Fair enough too. Whilst a bloke can rent a suit prob 80% goes into the bride's choices. Many blokes sit back and let the woman have whatever they want and end up with a $20K + wedding - apparently that is about the minimum these days.

By all accounts Francine says he is a nice fella but careful with money.

I reckon that is a positive attribute.

But you read Domestic Violence into it?
 
I read it much like Simon did. Perhaps the woman is stressing this man out too :rolleyes:. We don't know, and neither does Francine, because she is not part of the marriage, and has only heard one side.

And do people still do Engagement parties :confused:. I think I've only been to about 3 in my entire life.
 
Just sounds like different expectations to me. Seems that the woman is expecting the man to contribute more because he makes more, and the man is thinking it should be shared more evenly.

No right and wrong, just different expectations and what they're willing to accept. It's for them to work out. No one's business but their own.
 
no she is the easiest person to get along with not high maintenance at all. they are specially doing the wedding overseas so it will be fun and small, thats why they did an engagement party here that was almost like a wedding, Maybe it should have been and avoid all this stress!

she contributes plenty in all sorts of ways but possibly financially if the incomes vary the expenses should too, if real love is there.she has been much more generous with her average income in various ways eg bringing him meals and gifts, than he has been with his above average income.

I cant say i understand this sort of mentality. I dont see it as a groom simply wanting the bride to contribute. I see it as a bride being put under too much pressure when if love is really there which it is, surely its unnecesary and not very loving with thegood wages he earns..she is not at all the high maintenance type she is the easiest lowest maintenance most giving person i and many others know.I dont think it sounds ok, loving and respectful.
 
Francine, the most concerning thing to me would be, is that this woman is discussing so much marital information with you, when it should be between her and her husband. She is doing wrong here, and you shouldn't be buying into it.

I worked out long ago that if you tell a friend your husband has been a $*^th^#d, because you had a disagreement (it happens ;)), even if you're in the wrong, your friend will think he's a $*^th^#d period. It's hardly fair on him and quite disloyal imo.

So how would she feel, if she were to find out he was saying negative things about her?

There are always two sides to every story, and even when you get both, you probably won't get a true and complete picture of what's really going on.
 
no she is the easiest person to get along with not high maintenance at all. they are specially doing the wedding overseas so it will be fun and small, thats why they did an engagement party here that was almost like a wedding, Maybe it should have been and avoid all this stress!

she contributes plenty in all sorts of ways but possibly financially if the incomes vary the expenses should too, if real love is there.she has been much more generous with her average income in various ways eg bringing him meals and gifts, than he has been with his above average income.

I cant say i understand this sort of mentality. I dont see it as a groom simply wanting the bride to contribute. I see it as a bride being put under too much pressure when if love is really there which it is, surely its unnecesary and not very loving with thegood wages he earns..she is not at all the high maintenance type she is the easiest lowest maintenance most giving person i and many others know.I dont think it sounds ok, loving and respectful.

Why do you think it is even your concern?

It is her choice - she obviously wants to marry the guy.

Maybe you should chip in to the expenses?
 
My theory is that a marriage is just like a partnership. Both parties being equal. The income that comes into a marriage is for use by both parties, however there needs to be some kind of understanding and discussion on how it is to be used. I don't believe in separate accounts, but know of others that do, and this works well for them.

With all due respect, Francine, I would just butt out and let them get on with it. Sure, they may make mistakes (but isn't that how many of us learn), but they are their mistakes to learn. Seriously, they are both adults, so just show your support and be a friend. If it all goes south in a few years, don't be the one saying I told you so, be the one there to support her and get back on her feet.

Take a deep breath, and repeat after me "I will not get involved in other peoples drama".

Next time this friend asks what she should be doing (or is just discussing) an issue concerning her upcoming marriage, suggest she talk it over with her upcoming spouse, rather than you.
 
seems like she is looking for money.. wants to play babies at home, while he works.

Now since she doesn't have his credit card, and is going and breaking his trust by talking to people about it..

Marriage isn't a free ride for women..
 
Playing babies is NOT a free ride, and anybody who thinks a woman would give up a career/job to have an easy free ride with babies and housework as the things to fill the day and night obviously has no idea.

I'm not talking about Francine's friend here, but the general idea of women having babies and looking after a household doing so because they want a "free ride". What a hoot :rolleyes:
 
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