Financial infidelity

[VYBerlinaV8]

We took a slightly different approach to most, which seems to work for us. My wife likes spending, and earns well, so she pays all the bills, buys all the food, pays whenever we go out, and pays for everything for our son. She pays all this from her own account, and then sends about $1-2k per month to our joint savings (offset) account. All I have to do is pay for our cars (as applicable), and push the vast majority of my income straight to our joint savings. I collect the rent from our IPs and push it straight to the savings also. All our property loan repayments come out of our joint savings.

We maintain our own accounts to be paid into, purely so we can meet our respective responsibilities.

The savings, and all assets, are joint.

Using this approach we are typically able to save $40-50k per year in cash. We invest jointly. All financial decisions over and above regular housekeeping type stuff is joint. (But we do buy birthday and Christmas presents from our own accounts).

My view is that everyone handles and manages finances a bit differently, and the trick is to set your affairs up in such a way that your own personal patterns are supported.

 

[The Y-man]

A friend of mine and his wife jointly stash money away into their ppor offset loan. He was a bit peeved he other day when he found out she had taken some money out of the stash to go shoe shopping. He asked me how he could stop her, and I said "buy another IP" (they already have one)... I told him if he is up to his eyeballs in (good) debt, there won't be any money left over for expensive shoes after the interest payments.....

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[natmarie73]

Well of course each couple's situation is different. I can only comment on my own personal situation where we are both earning good wages (even though I am not working ATM I have enough cash to last a few years). If the wife or husband is at home looking after the household and not earning then naturally this situation would not work - the breadwinner would be expected to support the other partner and children in return for having the stay at home partner take care of the domestic work and child raising, which as you said Wylie would probably cost an absolute fortune if they had to pay for it!

Skater I agree with you. A lot of couples go into marriage with the back up plan of divorce if it fails which in my view is wrong. Hence, my partner and I do not intend to even get married. Well I don't anyway, he can get married if he wants We have no plans to split up, and intend to remain together for at least the forseeable future, but if the relationship does end we can walk away as friends without the bitter squabbling over joint assets that is frequently seen in the courts.

 

[lizzie]

I would certainly want to protect what I brought into a new relationship if I had substantially more to bring.

when (future) hubby and i started to live together we pooled everything - even tho we'd only known each other 6 months. it was a major trust thing, and a laziness issue - all money comes in, all bills go out, left over is play money.

but - we did have a document drawn up by a solicitor detailing exactly what each party bought into the relationship and stating that if there was ever a split then each party would take out what they bought in, and then anything left over would be split 50/50 ... 9 years and a couple of million later the document is rather irrelevant, but made us both more comfortable at the time.

i do the finances, investing and running of the household. hubby is the breadwinner and our finances are based on trust. i don't ask about the hardware shop/boat shop purchases on his credit card and he asks no questions about how much my new clothes cost - ask no questions, tell no lies. . but then, neither of us a big spenders, and we don't buy "stuff" so there's not really much to ask about anyhow. big ticket items (over $500) are always discussed - ip's, furniture, reno's etc - but if it's less than $500 sometimes the item just "appears".

i do all the present shopping (even for myself) as hubby detests shopping. means i also get what i want as a gift - and i don't like surprises.

p.s. what's this lunch money thing!! nothing wrong with last nights leftovers heated up or a couple of vegemite sandwiches

 

[sue78]

All too often the male is the main bread winner, with the female in the part-time or lower paying job. The female is often the one who buys the groceries & deals with all the expenses of children. If you don't combine your finances, then the female will often be the one hard done by, while hubby has money to burn. This is not the way you treat someone you love, trust & respect.

That's how my friend felt and eventually it ruined their marriage. However, she was too proud in the end to change the rules of the game. It was just about shared financed but her husband also had inherited wealth and the parents wanted to protect it.

I can't believe a marriage could fail just on financial problems...there were many opportunities for them to fix their problems.

 

[DavidMc]

What an unusual interpretation. If someone lacked trust, would they give their partner access to their life savings? I know I wouldn't. We each have cards to get funds. Neither of us wants control over the others' expenditure and neither of us lack trust in any shape or form.

I'm just saying you can interpret it both ways. You are giving up 50% control of your funds and taking over 50% of theirs (and vice versa) under a pooled income agreement. So while you could say this arrangment is for people who 'lack trust' it could just as equally said that it's for people who 'trust each other'.

Different if you need two signatures to get funds. That to me would indicate a lack of trust and a major control issue.

If you both need 'two decisions' on purchases I can't see how that's massively different to requiring two signatures. You need to two people in agreement to spend funds. It's just a verbal agreement rather than in written form.

I once was shopping with a couple who were married a few years who (at the checkout) split the weekly grocery bill in half. If he wanted something she didn't like, and vice versa, it was negotiated. I was gobsmacked. (You pay for the Iced Vo Vos because I don't like them.... what the?)

Wow... yeah, that's extreme. My idea of how it should be is nothing like that. In fact, I think we are pretty closer in our thinking than not.

If I didn't trust my husband with my life (and my money) I would not have married him.

What if you fell in love with someone who was amazing in every way but hopeless with money? Everyone has their flaws. Would you have not married them?

In my case it is just easier. We are way too lazy to make it more complicated. Money goes in. Bills come out.

We have agreed on general spending and investment principles and consult each other when we want to make non ordinary purchases. We don't monitor each other's expenditure because we are wierd and actually trust each other. So far so good.

That's great. I reckon it should always be like this. Unfortunately though not all couples have similar money habits. I'm a very good saver/investor and I was living with a girl in the past who was a very good spender. To be fair, I was probably a little too 'tight' and she was probably a little too 'spendy' and we've learned from each other being together (i.e. I enjoy by money more and she doesn't spend 110% of hers). I came into the relationship with large numbers of assets I built myself and she was in the negative. I loved her with all my heart though

Regardless of if it's separate accounts or the same account, do you both have a small 'reasonable' discretionary proportion? i.e. like in Kaf's post below, could you say eat out during the week 'in (implied) exhange for' your husband having a few beers at the pub or whatever? Or do you both need to decide this together?

This is roughly what we do (see my post at first page) and yes the proportions are about 80% joint and 20% individual accounts. And yes we both chip into big purchases (or bills) from our own accounts without problems if needed. This has nothing to do with trust or being a control freak. For example it's my little luxury to buy lunch most days so that I can decide what I eat there and then while hubby is more frugal and goes shopping at the beginning of the week and makes his own sandwiches at work. If this came out of the same pot I would feel guilty doing that but given that it's from my account I can do it and I enjoy it too.

Yeah, I reckon the majority into a shared account but each partner has a little portion (same account or not) to spend towards whatever they choose.

 

[FrankGrimes]

Only been together 13 months, so probably a bit different.

Everything still seperate, but my finances can be quite messy. I don't mind showing my GF everything, but don't know how we'd go about combining it

We are about the same. We have been together almost 6 years but have no financial ties (but we don't live together). She would be stressed seeing how much money goes in out and what I do with it.. I guess we'd start with a shared account eventually but I'm happy doing my own thing to be honest.

But we are both working fulltime at the moment and this would change if one of us had to stop working etc.. As Skater and Sue have already said you can't have one person with cash to burn and the other nothing!

Funny story though, my aunty and uncle have been married 20 years and still totally separate. He was retired at 45 and she's still working.. He pays all the bills and she just does whatever she wants with her money.. Suits them

 

[sue78]

A friend of mine and his wife jointly stash money away into their ppor offset loan. He was a bit peeved he other day when he found out she had taken some money out of the stash to go shoe shopping. He asked me how he could stop her, and I said "buy another IP" (they already have one)... I told him if he is up to his eyeballs in (good) debt, there won't be any money left over for expensive shoes after the interest payments.....

Cheers,

The Y-man

How could he be peeved at your wife for going shopping?

Shopping, make up, dress up is one of the best things about being a girl.

You could be stingy to yourself, family, friends..everyone but your wife!

 

[sue78]

p.s. what's this lunch money thing!! nothing wrong with last nights leftovers heated up or a couple of vegemite sandwiches

lol sometimes leftovers are even more tastier. Hubby doesn't eat sandwiches so I usually try to cook extra so he can take to work next day i.e tandoori chic, sweet n sour king prawns etc

Will buy some bento boxes, food cutters, soy sauce holders and dividers etc when we go to Japan.

It looks too good to eat!

It's not a real lobster


Presentation is very important to me...but hubby is gonna be like wth? lol

 

[skater]

How could he be peeved at your wife for going shopping?

I think that would depend on how tight the finances were & how expensive the shoes. I know I would be in trouble if I regularly spent a lot of money on myself, while none allocated to other members of the family. However, if they were $20 specials & needed a new pair of shoes, then that is a different matter.

 

[The Y-man]

I think that would depend on how tight the finances were & how expensive the shoes. I know I would be in trouble if I regularly spent a lot of money on myself, while none allocated to other members of the family. However, if they were $20 specials & needed a new pair of shoes, then that is a different matter.

Several pairs that were on "special" - the sort that are marked down 50% from $400.......

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[skater]

Several pairs that were on "special" - the sort that are marked down 50% from $400.......

Cheers,

The Y-man

Hmmmm.....that's an entirely different matter.

 

[skater]

p.s. what's this lunch money thing!! nothing wrong with last nights leftovers heated up or a couple of vegemite sandwiches

Love the vegemite sangers. That's what's on the menu most days. Tuna for Hubby.

 

[TheCamel]

When rhianon and I got married, we discussed the best way to arrange the banking and finance situation, based on the fact that at the time, we had 4 "general" bank accounts, and 3 loans, and 1.5 credit cards.

One of those accounts was Rhiannon's, the rest was all mine. The full credit card was mine, the half was Rhiannon's parents, that she was a card holder for.
Rhiannon's account is a savings account, despite the fact that she';s been using it as a transaction account.

I had a gneeral transaction account, a secondary transaction account, a dedicated savings account, 2 home loans and a car loan.

We now have 1 transaction account, a secondary transaction account (for rent etc) 2 home loans, a LOC, an investment transaction account and a dedicated savings account.

Rather than go and close and reopen all, with the associated messing around with payroll and stuff, we closed my dedicated savings account, and went around the banks giving full access to each other on all the accounts.

Eventually, we will probably close and reopen the savings account, with a better insititution.

We make decisions together, but I guess i'm basically the paymaster..

 

[Modal Harmony]

My wife Robyn of 25 years is absolutely my best friend, and therefore everything is shared (ie all accounts such as LOC, twin cards linked to LOC, IP loan structures). I don't see how a couple can operate to the end of their days otherwise?!?

I find it sad that some of the previous threads show options for splitting up as being almost easy and expected (by keeping totally separate finances).

 

[GoAnna!]

Hi David

We have very similar spending styles and have agreed what our goals are so the little spends each day are never discussed. They are simply not an issue. We don't keep score money wise but neither do we keep score on doing the dishes, who works harder, spends more time with the kids etc. We are both contributing to the best of our ability and we fully appreciate the other's contribution in whatever form it might come.

If we want to buy a new car or have a trip overseas - that is discussed! I look forward to the day when that won't need to be discussed either - maybe just a casual "Would you like to join me in Paris next week darling?"

Actually when we finally reach our financial goals of having way too much discretionary income then we may have separate accounts to that he can spend his on a Porsche and I can buy what I like without any big discussions. So the separate accounts would then not so much be about contributing to the shared responsibilities bur rather an easy way to share the spoils.

 

[cgw]

We have been together for 8 years, and after year 1, I became the Financial Controller. Everything is in my name, IPs, bank accounts, credit cards. All his pay goes to my accounts. I do everything, also talk to the tax office for him.
I dish out his weekly pocket money, he is happy. Whatever he wants, he gets, easy to please.
Money does not interest him so I look after our financial well being.
If I go before him, he will have to learn how to pay the Foxtel for his beloved sports stations.
As I had a lot more Super than him when we met, if we ever split, that is mine and everything else we will go 50/50.

 

[Dazz]

What a fantastic discussion from all concerned.....really enjoying it.

 

[GoAnna!]

So what would be a deal breaker or be considered a financial betrayal?

One of my friends was saving for a PPOR with her husband. One day he came home with a glossy new car - he had spent the house deposit! I would find it hard to get past that.

Some-one questioned what happened if you don't share the same money values. For me that would mean that I couldn't marry that person. I need to share the same values (money being just one) otherwise we would each be pulling in different directions and for me that would not be a marriage.

 

[GoAnna!]

Hmmm... however when you have shared funds you are 50% in control of your partners income.

I would have thought the '100% shared option' is for those who want control over the others expenditure and lack trust in their ability to spend their money.

Hi David

I wasn't trying to say those with separate accounts do so for control reasons. I was just fishing around for possible reasons why. Control, trust, relationship is new? I was interested in hearng the reasons why.

GoMichael and I did have separate accounts at the beginning of our relationship (for many years actually) initially because well the relationship was new and we did operate as two separate individuals. We even bought our first property as tenants in common. (admittedly on the third date but still...). He also earned maybe 5 times my income and it was really important to me that he know that I was not after his money - so I paid for 50% of everything for some years. It was exstremely tough financially but it was important to me.