Financial infidelity

GoAnna that is exactly the reason I keep my finances seperate! I would find it pretty much impossible to get past that. It is great if two people have the same financial goals and money management as each other, but what if you meet a great guy/gal who is compatible in every other way besides financially? (my ex finace is a great example of this). Even if you don't marry, having joint finances with such a person could put back your investment plans by years.

My partner and I were talking last night about couples and finances and as it turns out he is of the belief that once you are married all finances and assets become one but each partner still has their own discretionary spending funds as well. If we do end up getting married way down the track then obviously our financial arrangements would have to be discussed in further detail...
 
I guess for me the arrangement of the bank accounts is not important, its that you share the same values and goals. Not just in money but where you wnat to live, how you want to live, whether you want children, how you would raise the children, reigious beliefs, the roles of men and women within a marriage, even your view towards marriage itself!. Its not like you need to be clones of each other or need to share the same passions but you need to meet on most points of values and lifstyle.

Otherwise one of you might be living in the countryside with 10 children using subsistance farming and home schooling the children while the other would be in a high rise inner city apartment, childless and working 70 hours a week to afford the latest in cars and gadgets. Nothing wrong with any of the choices but can a marriage be made with these differences?
 
So what would be a deal breaker or be considered a financial betrayal?

One of my friends was saving for a PPOR with her husband. One day he came home with a glossy new car - he had spent the house deposit! I would find it hard to get past that.

I'd have a problem with that too. Something that large, that is using pooled monies needs to be discussed & if the money had been put asside specifically for a PPOR & he goes & spends it on a car for himself, I would think is betrayal.
 
I'd have a problem with that too. Something that large, that is using pooled monies needs to be discussed & if the money had been put asside specifically for a PPOR & he goes & spends it on a car for himself, I would think is betrayal.
Bargain Hunter gulps as the sweat beads start to appear and hopes Skater does not look in the garage ;)
 
One of my friends was saving for a PPOR with her husband. One day he came home with a glossy new car - he had spent the house deposit! I would find it hard to get past that.

you would hear my furious screams from 2 suburbs over and either the car went back to the dealer the next day, or my bags would be packed.

that would be a deal breaker to me - a total destruction of trust on and important level, so how would i be able to trust them in other segments of our relationship?
 
GoAnna:
So what would be a deal breaker or be considered a financial betrayal?

One of my friends was saving for a PPOR with her husband. One day he came home with a glossy new car - he had spent the house deposit! I would find it hard to get past that.

Some-one questioned what happened if you don't share the same money values. For me that would mean that I couldn't marry that person. I need to share the same values (money being just one) otherwise we would each be pulling in different directions and for me that would not be a marriage

For me, there in lies the key (for this chapter of my life anyway)...sharing the same values and goals, my partner and I are very different personalities, but we are totally heading in the same direction, same financial independence, working toward the goals we have-I have just found it so easy for us financial wise-compatability, it's like we have shared the journey and information on learning about wealth creation; we are growing and learning together.

I'm trying to wrack my brain picturing something my partner might be capable of doing that maybe a dealbreaker; we have worked so well so much toward us being this great team, able to work through the most devastating news, challenges...for me it's like trying to envisage the Pope turning Protestant??

We only needed to educate ourselves...there is no turning back, and it's a wonderful journey.

I think I chose very carefully to begin with, I have always had this checklist thing in my head that a partner would be most suited to me...we would need to share similar values, about people, nature, animals, family, honesty, respect...the world! no heavy drinking, non smoker, no drugs....he thudded into my life, and I didn't even like him at first, very bossy...our relationship work started there and the communication and negotiations (love/lust:) of course!) all developed; the financial part by coincidence we both came into our relationship with exactly same savings habit, same damn bank! and equal savings...just an amazing journey.
 
What a fantastic discussion from all concerned.....really enjoying it. :)

Me too! I always thought that the way Mrs T and I did it (money wise :) ) was almost universal. Not so it seems.

When we married we were young and broke and in a strange town. There were no options to consider, we just made do on my wage. Over the years the options increased but nothing has changed. For over 30 years now Mrs T has worked. It took years to stop her carrying all her money in her bag and to use CCs which I pay each month. I quickly scan the account to see if there is anything wrong but not the details and she would never delve into my wallet.

Money just isn't an issue. We talk about it as we would the weather.
 
Many years ago (before we started our IP journey) Mr (don't call me) Sunshine and I decided that we needed to upgrade our computer. He spent lots of time working out which one to get and where was the best value and comparing prices etc etc (very thorough).

So off he goes on his 2 hour journey (we lived in the middle of nowhere it seemed) to the place of purchase. A few hours in I received a call - I have just bought a car and could you organise the insurance!!! huh a what - what happened to the computer!!! Um, no, you bought the car without me you can organise the insurance without me.

Turns out it was a really good buy (yeah cause he did lots of research NOT!) and it was just a straight swap - no extra money was needed.

So he came home with a new (second hand) car and the computer.

It was his car from before "us" and we had already upgraded my car for a family car. Effectivey it was no big deal - but I couldn't believe he would make a purchase that large without research - and I might add - he hasn't done it since!!

Sunshine
 
My missus doesn't care about money too much. She is quite altruistic in her reasons for becomming a Dr but because she has been a student for much of her life she is reasonably frugal so I have no trouble with her undermining our investing goals. She just isn't money focussed, I guess she has that luxury because I do like investing and making money and there is always enough there.

She would never spend much more than $200 without asking me first and that annoys me. I wish sometimes she would spoil herself without feeling frugal and having to check. If she buys a new frock she always takes pains to let me know why it was needed and how cheap it was but I always tell her not to tell me and I like her to look pretty. I have that luxury as she has always been sensible with spending unlike some women I have met.

But I could spend $50K on a share tomorrow and if I brought it up over dinner she would just feign interest then start telling me about her latest adventure in someone's bowels or stoush with a nurse etc

it works well I guess.

I think she would be hard pressed to name more than one share we own ... but she does know the properties well because they are a bit more interesting. She wouldn't know the tenants or rentals or even the PM etc.

I worry about what would happen if I die and I need to make sure that records are kept better.
 
I worry about what would happen if I die and I need to make sure that records are kept better.

I have this thought all the time!! I have said a number of times to my husband "If I die, all the paperwork for the properties is in this folder, the file is stored here etc". He just says OK and carries on - God help him if he does ever need to sort stuff out - I dont think he'd have a clue where to start!! I'm sure he has no idea that every month I transfer our money here, there and everywhere - lucky I'm not transferring it to my secret stash!! He makes the money - I invest it, spend it and make sure there is enough at the end of the month....

Maybe a list documenting in/outgoings each month would be helpful in event of emergency.

Nadia
 
In our mid 20's we had to sell Daryl's 'chick magnet' ute to buy our house. Our budget was non-negotiable as we had a baby within a year of being married and lived on a carpenters wage. There was alot of resistance to the budget at first as it was hard for Daryl to adjust from two wages and living at home with no responsibilities to one wage and wife/child responsibilities. I had retail management background, so setting and sticking to a budget was learnt at work (certainly not from my family) and I slowly brought Daryl round. We got back from our honeymoon and cut up our $500 dollar credit card and spent the next 10 years without one. We went without a bit but that is no different to anyone else and I am certainly glad now that we bought when we did.

I handle all the finances, big or small. If there is a purchase to be made it is discussed by both of us. We have joint accounts for everything and trust each other completely. Discretionary spending is never queried but isn't rediculous either as I hate shopping of any sort and while there is always things he wants (engel fridge is that latest one) he always asks if we can afford it. If I died Daryl says he would just go and work for someone else as he hates paperwork.
 
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