Good for a laugh !!

[Simon H]

Hi I just had to post this !! hope you find it as funny as i did.

Regards Simon H

>Subject: FW: Do you Fly Qantas ?
>
>
>After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which
>
> >conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
>
> >during the flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a
>
> >piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the
>
> >problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the
>
> >lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on
>the
>
> >plane's next flight can review the form before taking off.
>
> >
>
> >Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
>humour.
>
> >Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P =
>
> >the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken
>
> >byengineers.
>
> >Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an
>
> >accident.
>
> >
>
> >P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
>
> >S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
>
> >
>
> >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>
> >S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> >
>
> >P: Something loose in cockpit.
>
> >S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> >
>
> >P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>
> >S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> >
>
> >P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>descent.
>
> >S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> >
>
> >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>
> >S: Evidence removed.
>
> >
>
> >P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>
> >S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> >
>
> >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>
> >S: That's what they're there for.
>
> >
>
> >P: IFF inoperative.
>
> >S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> >
>
> >P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>
> >S: Suspect you're right.
>
> >
>
> >P: Number 3 engine missing.
>
> >S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> >
>
> >P: Aircraft handles funny.
>
> >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>
> >
>
> >P: Target radar hums.
>
> >S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> >
>
> >P: Mouse in cockpit.
>
> >S: Cat installed.
>

 

[Jas]

I have tears from laughter on that one!

Great job Simon!

Jas

 

[Steve Navra]

Originally posted by Simon H

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Hi Simon,

The one above is my fav.

Bit like my motor machanic who can never detect any of the problems that constantly drive me to distraction

Steve

 

[D.T.]

*chuckle*

 

[Simon H]

I think I like this one best

> >P: Aircraft handles funny.
>
> >S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>



Steve, I wonder if your motor machanic and mine know each other or at least had the same teacher !!


Simon H

 

[Simon H]

I could not resist ...

---

> A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child
In
> her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the
> remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by
> first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in
> mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one
is
> classic!
>
> Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
>
> Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
>
> It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
>
> Never underestimate the power of............termites.
>
> You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
>
> Don't bite the hand that.....................looks dirty.
>
> No news is..................................impossible.
>
> A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
>
> You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
>
> If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
>
> Love all, trust.............................me.
>
> The pen is mightier than the.................pigs.
>
> An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
>
> Where there's smoke there's..................pollution.
>
> Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
>
> A penny saved is.............................not much.
>
> Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
>
> Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
>
> Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have to blow
> your nose.
>
> There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
>
> Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
>
> If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
>
> You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the box.
>
> When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
>
>
> And the favorite:
>
> Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!
>
>
>

Simon H

 

[muppie]

A blonde woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.



The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.



The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.



Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.



She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

 

[mitch]

Gday Simon H, l just giggled my arse off,its on the floor here somewhere,a great way to start my day

 

[Simon H]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gday Simon H, l just giggled my arse off,its on the floor here somewhere,a great way to start my day
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Mitch

Did you find your arse alright?
Hope it wasn't cracked !!!!