How do you 'get over' stuff?

I thought some of you strong / tough minded people may be able to share how you 'get over' things.

A friend of mine had a high risk pregnancy. She had a meeting with the boss to discuss when she would finish work. Her boss suggested that if financially they could cope that she leave asap and use the time before baby comes to rest. Finding her current role too physical she took the well-meaning advice and left 3 weeks later. Her employer paid her mat leave straight away instead of waiting until baby arrived.
After the fact she discovered that she had a third option written in the EBA but not exercised by her employer. Her workplace agreement said that they had to put her in a different role until due to go on mat leave. This equated to 4mths pay or 12000 after tax, plus super, plus that time would have contributed to long service leave - then she would have gone on mat leave. (The alternative roles were equal and not difficult to interchange so she still would have been a productive employee)

She feels betrayed by her employer and this eats at her as she has returned to work and causes her anxiety. She asked how me how to get past this 'block' in her head, but I don't know how to help. She explained it to me as like having to see a partner who cheated on you everyday. Some days you forget but in other moments it stings.

Any psychologists on here?
 
yes, it is possible that the boss didn't know of that option.

i think she could ask a few questions :
have there have been others going on maternity leave that were treated more favourably, with a less physical job before going on maternity leave?

did she have any sick pay that could have been taken before she went on maternity leave? if this was a high risk pregnancy then she should have been able to use sick leave?

If she has been treated unfairly, i can see that it would be causing anxiety, is it a big organisation and do they have an HR dept?
 
A friend of mine had a high risk pregnancy. She had a meeting with the boss to discuss when she would finish work.

How bout take responsibility for your actions. Get on with your life.
She told the boss she wanted to finish. That's it, move on.

She feels betrayed by her employer and this eats at her as she has returned to work and causes her anxiety.

He paid earlier than he should have, what a great guy.
Why did she go back? Work somewhere else.
 
She wasn't betrayed by her boss, he was doing what was best for the company. You say it was a high risk pregnancy? She may want to consider whether the extra 12 grand would have been worth it, had there been complications.

If she read and understood her contract, she would have known about the third option.
 
yes, it is possible that the boss didn't know of that option.

i think she could ask a few questions :
have there have been others going on maternity leave that were treated more favourably, with a less physical job before going on maternity leave?

did she have any sick pay that could have been taken before she went on maternity leave? if this was a high risk pregnancy then she should have been able to use sick leave?

If she has been treated unfairly, i can see that it would be causing anxiety, is it a big organisation and do they have an HR dept?

She did have sick pay but not 4mths worth. Another employee a short time later same situation same type of high risk pregnancy was given a different role and was able to stay until just before due.

She knows that the situation can't be changed and she chose to finish early and she should have read through the EBA. It is the 'getting over it' that she is struggling with.

Does anyone have any strategies to help?
- As knowing/ being told to 'get over it' and finding a way to get past it are different.
 
Hi John

I think that one of the strategies she could use is just to be thankful of what she has. Maybe write it down. Health, youth, family , job, friends etc.

and has just learnt a valuable lesson in reading the fine print !
 
Hi John

I think that one of the strategies she could use is just to be thankful of what she has. Maybe write it down. Health, youth, family , job, friends etc.

and has just learnt a valuable lesson in reading the fine print !

Being grateful can be worth several boxes of prozac thats for sure

ta
rolf
 
Sounds like the boss was trying to do the right thing, without being aware of all the ins and outs of what options were available to them and the employee.

What your friend needs to do is find out if she can access some counselling. If she works for a public service department, she will be able to access up to 12 sessions through the department's employee assistance program. This is essentially an outsourced counselling service paid for by the govt. She can contact the EAP directly and while the department will get the bill (as they pay for it), they are unable to find out what the sessions are for, as it's a privacy issue.

If she doesn't work for an organisation that has an EAP service, she can speak to her GP and get a referral to a counsellor or psychologist.

To me it sounds like your friend has an adjustment disorder, probably exacerbated by the stress of parenthood and the high risk pregnancy, and possibly post partum issues as well. She will be able to get over it but I suspect she will need some professional help to do so. It's really about a realisation that 1) even with the best will in the world, her boss can't change the outcome - it's in the past and 2) it's not the worst thing that could have happened to her, by any means.

I'd say that a few counselling sessions and your friend should be feeling much more sanguine about things.
 
This is easy. Leave.

If you feel betrayed / cheated in a professional or personal relationship then find a better one. I’ve never been in the same role for more than 1.5year and never had a relationship that lasted longer than 1.5years, I’m awesome. Stinson out
 
Does anyone have any strategies to help?
- As knowing/ being told to 'get over it' and finding a way to get past it are different.

It's hardly a problem to cause post traumatic stress syndrome, so don't be overly concerned for your friend.

Buying into it by listening to her would just make it worse. What's done is done.

Some people don't WANT to move on as opposed to can't.
 
It's sounds like she may have PND/Anxiety but it's just easier to put a blame on the employer as she doesn't realise she is depressed or has anxiety problems. She should see a GP about getting some councilling. Maybe there is other issues. It just doesn't really sound right!
 
These sorts of conversations - as an employer - make my blood boil.

The fact that in this Country we get paid to not go to work because we choose to have a baby, and then get your job held over for 6 or 12 months until you are ready to come back is a huge enough bonus in itself.

Being able to go into another role doesn't mean you will - especially if the girl has told her boss the pregnancy is high risk.

The girl asked for a meeting about stopping work due to the high risk, and probably explained it thus.

So, the boss said ok, and paid her early - if the girl has explained to the boss that her pregnancy is high risk, the last thing he/she wants is a risky scenario which will ultimately bite HIM or HER on the @rse if and when it goes pear-shaped at the workplace, and the Boss may have been showing genuine concern for his employee. Most bosses do - unless they find that an employee shows no concern for the job/business, then it is reciprocated.

The boss may have known about the third option - and probably would have suggested it if he/she had known, but I kinda think the boss didn't know.

She can look it at many ways; my view is move on and get over it, or leave.

One job is not your whole life path.
 
I'd say the main thing was that she didn't have to work AT ALL. The other option would still have meant going to work and getting things done, potential stress and effot, all the while living through a high risk pregnancy.

So she didn't know, and the boss may not have either. If the baby is OK, and the job is still there, I'd say count your blessings.
 
When I'm faced with something disappointing I try to take the attitude that life is a transition of experiences, some good, some bad. What's behind us can be left there or it can be remembered, it's a choice.

If in the middle of something bad, I decide that it won't last for ever, only a few minutes, hours, or days. I work through it and move onto the next thing, leaving the bad stuff behind. Tomorrow is another day and it will be a good one.
 
Best to understand and accept that the situation has happened and no anger and frustration will change it. All it does is cause greater harm to yourself and potentially others around you.

She should chalk it up to the manager not knowing EVERY clause in the EBA, I've worked under EBA's and experienced frequent lack of knowledge of EBA clauses through management AND staff.

I can think of much worse outcomes..
 
She feels betrayed by her employer and this eats at her as she has returned to work and causes her anxiety. She asked how me how to get past this 'block' in her head, but I don't know how to help. She explained it to me as like having to see a partner who cheated on you everyday. Some days you forget but in other moments it stings.

Any psychologists on here?

Hi John,

Not a psychologist, but married to one. The only way I can see her getting over this is to have a chat to her boss about the situation.

There are a number of possibilities as to why her boss didn't offer her another position, but she won't know the real reason until she asks.

It sounds to me like the boss thought he was doing the right thing by letting her leave early, because it was a high risk pregnancy. I think if she has a chat to the boss, he will be able to explain his reasons, and most probably put her mind at ease.
 
She feels betrayed by her employer and this eats at her as she has returned to work and causes her anxiety BLAH BLAH BLAH

FFS!,what is with people and their sense of entitlement, and is getting "depressed" and "becoming anxious" the buzzword of the 21st century????

"I didnt get what I want, lets get depressed"
"I dont like that , I cant handle it"
"it doesnt suit me, im anxious"

The boss, was trying to do a favour, by helping out early,and going out of his way, and the response is "I should have got more, I deserve more, im now going to go down teh 'depression' path"

FFS, if she cant handle it, QUIT and give the boss a break personally and financially, and spare him the headaches

These sorts of conversations - as an employer - make my blood boil.

The fact that in this Country we get paid to not go to work because we choose to have a baby, and then get your job held over for 6 or 12 months until you are ready to come back is a huge enough bonus in itself.

Being able to go into another role doesn't mean you will - especially if the girl has told her boss the pregnancy is high risk.

The girl asked for a meeting about stopping work due to the high risk, and probably explained it thus.

So, the boss said ok, and paid her early - if the girl has explained to the boss that her pregnancy is high risk, the last thing he/she wants is a risky scenario which will ultimately bite HIM or HER on the @rse if and when it goes pear-shaped at the workplace, and the Boss may have been showing genuine concern for his employee. Most bosses do - unless they find that an employee shows no concern for the job/business, then it is reciprocated.

The boss may have known about the third option - and probably would have suggested it if he/she had known, but I kinda think the boss didn't know.

She can look it at many ways; my view is move on and get over it, or leave.

One job is not your whole life path.

Exactly! putting aside legally obliged or not, think of it from a employers perspective!!

Employer now has to accomodate while she is still working the fact that she is probably going to be calling in sick, or becoming sick at work, thus reducing producvitity, and probably talking about their baby all day,
they have to advertise for someone to replace her, not permanently, TEMOPROARILY!
if they can find someone, they have to train them, which is another week to 3 months, with reduced productivity, plus wasting another employees time
during their employment employer has to pay for maternity leave,
Mother decides any time she wants to come back, so they have to fire the temp employee,
mother comes back, expects pay rise obtained during her absence
she starts work, spends all day talking about how tough life is, now wants half days off to pick up kids or arrange childcare,

the laws in this country are a joke, and you wonder why some employers refuse indirectly to hire women in their late to mid 30s
 
She did have sick pay but not 4mths worth. Another employee a short time later same situation same type of high risk pregnancy was given a different role and was able to stay until just before due.

She knows that the situation can't be changed and she chose to finish early and she should have read through the EBA. It is the 'getting over it' that she is struggling with.

Does anyone have any strategies to help?
- As knowing/ being told to 'get over it' and finding a way to get past it are different.

WTF!

she wasnt sick, but used her sick leave but is complaining it wasnt enough to cover it!

she wanted to stop and stopped, but is complaining becasue someone else was able to work when they wanted, but she didnt???? WTF WTF WTF

geez, I might tell my boss I want to go for a round the world trip for a year or two, and expect a payrise, airfares covered for, my job to be there, and I might use some sick pay and get the boss to pay for my drinks
 
Back
Top