How do you tell your kids the truth and when?

[Casserole Dish]

ianvestor, I found my parenting style had to change dramatically once my daughter turned into a toddler. There simply wasn't the time, energy or enthusiasm for long discussions on how many biscuits was enough for one child. Like I said, they take things so literally you will have a little one looking in the mirror waiting to "get fat" from the biscuits.

I do admire your determination, but there will be outside influences which will also affect how you parent. So far I've managed to prevent my kids drinking fizzy drinks but I can't see that lasting, as whenever we go to other people's house's they keep offering them.

 

[RumpledElf]

There simply wasn't the time, energy or enthusiasm for long discussions on how many biscuits was enough for one child.

Biscuit distribution is easy - one for you, one for your sister, one for mummy, and two for me because I'm big and I have a baby in my tummy so one is for the baby Mummy is the one trying to lose weight and should really lay off the biscuits ...

Problem is when you repeat this distribution every 10 minutes lol

 

[ianvestor]

So far I've managed to prevent my kids drinking fizzy drinks but I can't see that lasting, as whenever we go to other people's house's they keep offering them.

Just curious, do you tell the person offering 'no thankyou' or do you let your child do the talking, knowing you disapprove?

 

[weg]

The fact is everyone lies sometimes, whether it's a little white lie like telling your MIL her dinner was nice when in fact it wasn't, to telling the door salesman you're in the middle of dinner when you're not.

These are still lies and your young child knows it. Better to not be so black and white about it and teach them to recognise when lying does more harm than good and the consequences to negative lying.

 

[Casserole Dish]

Well put Weg.

Ianvestor, my kids are quiet little things and don't speak up nearly enough in general (something else we are working on) but they do know to ask for water if offered a drink. Ask them their favourite drink, and my daughter will say "Water" and my son would say "Juice". What he dosen't know is that the 'juice' he's always been given has been watered down big time (more lies from Mum )

So, no I generally try not to speak for them as we are trying to get them to be more confident speaking to people. I don't know if they know about my feelings towards fizzy drinks and little kids, I've never made too much of a song and dance about it. It wouldn't be the worst thing in world if they chose to drink it, I'd just rather they didn't if there are other options. So if they say 'Yes please' to some lemonade I would be ok with that (as long as it's not a HUGE glass) but on the drive home I'd make sure they understood that the yummy fizzy drink was a special treat like cake, chips etc.

 

[vincenzo]

Don't think that telling the truth stops imagination! It's the opposite!
When a child thinks that santa is real, then they are not dreaming or using thier imagination at all, are they?

At school the kids that don't know the cruel truths of the world, can find themselves having to play catchup to the other kids thier age, as described in the op - one 11yo was aware, the other wasn't. Take investing for example.. Would anyone like to raise thier kids to be ignorant, and simply dream as to how they will fare at retirement? I'd rather have them be aware, so they could make at least some the dreams a reality.

As for what we were doing in bed this morning, i'll tell you that when you're a little bit older
been there a few times btw, i just say we were playing around or cuddling, but the way he asks, it's as if he knows we are being cheeky! Both he and his current girlfriend have been in trouble a few times for cuddling a bit too much during kinder actually...

And telling you're kids the truth about princesses and pirates isn't just educational, but also makes it more fun for them, and gives more stimulus for the imagination!

Parenting sure does vary... just wait till you get to join the school mob. Thats when your eyes really get opened.

Look, some kids can handle the truth and that's fine as long as they don't try to ruin it for everyone else. Some are dreamers and love fantasy etc, like mine. I encourage their daydreams about fairies, magic and Santa because they love it. My daughter loves all things 'princess' and mermaids. Why burst that bubble? Soon enough she'll discover she won't be either one day (more than likely). My son, a pirate. Should I tell him what a real pirate is? No, he's happy at the moment and dosen't need that information yet.

Kids don't process the information the same way as an adult so we naturally adjust how we talk to them (this helps prevents tantrums, on both sides). They are very literal and 'in the moment' creatures so talking to them like an adult sometimes wouldn't work.

Vincenzo, you say you never lie to your boy...
"Dad, what were you and Mum doing in bed this morning?"

 

[ianvestor]

And telling you're kids the truth about princesses and pirates isn't just educational, but also makes it more fun for them, and gives more stimulus for the imagination!

I suspect the kid's 'pirate' costume doesn't look anything at all like this:

 

[Casserole Dish]

LOL I was waiting for someone to mention investing in this thread! Ofcourse they will be told all the dirty truths and tricks to investing, that's very much a Need To Know life lesson.

I do agree that perhaps 11 is a little old to do the whole Santa thing and TBH I'm guessing the 11 yr old in the OP already knows the truth. I'm guessing my girl will have it all sussed by about age 7 (at the latest).

Yes, education about princesses and pirates will expand their minds and imagination but at 5 and 3 they've got plenty to work with for the time being.
"Mermaids were really dugongs that drunken sailors either fantasized about, or thought were trying to drown them..." can wait until she's say, 9 or 10.

I still think Santa provides great fodder for imagination... the flying sleigh, the reindeer, what does he do in February?, what do the elves eat?, is there a chance he had to use the toilet here last Christmas?, etc etc...

I will gradually tell my kids the whole truth, warts and all, of the adult world soon enough (hopefully just before the other kids try to educate them). For now I'm loving how they see the world, moreso because I know it's only fleeting.

We are all different with very different kids, lets agree we are doing the best parenting we feel comfortable with, and be friends again. Group hug...

P.S. Sorry to get personal about your bedroom antics . I have used the "Mum and Dad like to have some time alone." and then use a diversion tactic. The times are few and far between at the moment, sadly.

 

[RumpledElf]

And telling you're kids the truth about princesses and pirates isn't just educational, but also makes it more fun for them, and gives more stimulus for the imagination!

I showed Child Elder a bunch of pictures of real princesses, like the older British royal family ones once. And Camilla Parker Bowles. She point blank refused to believe me that any of them were REAL princesses. None were pretty enough! Where were the long dresses and flowing blonde hair!

 

[Dazz]

I showed Child Elder a bunch of pictures of real princesses, like the older British royal family ones once. And Camilla Parker Bowles. She point blank refused to believe me that any of them were REAL princesses. None were pretty enough! Where were the long dresses and blonde hair!

They had that one killed off back in '97, before your daughter was born.

 

[RumpledElf]

They had that one killed off back in '97, before your daughter was born.

She didn't have loooooooong blonde hair either

My daughter draws ME with long blonde hair. I have short brown hair. My partner and her little sister have long blonde hair ...

ALL boys have SHORT hair, she says in that definitive, absolute, don't-argue-with-me way that children have.

Her dad has curly near-black hair halfway down his back and her stepdad has straight blonde hair almost as long. So yeah. All boys. Riiiiiiight

*wanders off to get a nice tiara and a pink dress for the other half*

 

[pennyk]

watched "The Invention of Lying" again last night...its a good reminder of how boring and painful the world would be if we all told the whole truth all the time. Fantasy, politeness and white lies really do make the world go round,
Pen

 

[weg]

watched "The Invention of Lying" again last night...its a good reminder of how boring and painful the world would be if we all told the whole truth all the time. Fantasy, politeness and white lies really do make the world go round,
Pen

Agree. You simply have to look at the social skills of a person with Aspergers (who obviously can't help themselves) when they tell it like it is to see how they suffer socially.

Telling white lies and showing politeness when sometimes you would rather not is part of successful social interaction.

 

[wylie]

Without wanting to get lynched..... I'm curious about those who have said that "lying" about Santa and the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny think this will somehow harm their children and possibly teach them that lying is "normal".

I remember reading in a few parenting books that lying is indeed "normal" and children go through the lying stage as part of normal development. I was comforted by knowing this when I found my kids did indeed do a bit of "stretching the truth" themselves, and didn't panic or think they were going to "turn out bad".

I'm curious to know if those of you who have said you plan on telling your children there is no Santa, Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny were told the truth about these magic things from when you were little, and if not, do you think you have been damaged or have turned into a lyer by having been allowed to believe in the "lies" when you were young.

I think it is sad to take that magic away when it is something most kids enjoy. I think it is harmless and they grow up all to soon.

I would add that my mother witnessed the shock and hurt when my sister-in-law told her five children that there was "no Santa, no Easter Bunny and no Tooth Fairy" when she was in a bad mood one day. My mother said it was one of the saddest things she witnessed.

 

[vincenzo]

When I play cops and robbers, or pretend to be a monster or alien or bear who is going to eat everyone, doesn't mean the kids believe i am a monster/bear/whatever... they are using thier imagination! They are pretending I am a monster/bear/etc, so maybe for the moment it feels like it, but they know the truth.

You don't have to be polite or lie to have fun and make the world go round... lets have a look at the movie 'liar liar' for example.

He only ever had to lie, when he was doing something wrong, or to cover up something he or someone else did wrong.
I've seen heaps of little kids lie starting from around one year of age. Food, toys, bedtime, all sorts of reasons, and all sorts of parents, doesn't matter, they all lie.

I think lying is a basic human instinct, along with deception, theft, cheating/trickery/manipulation, etc. Even animals do these things actually... check out this little bird... tell me this isn't an intelligent thief hard at work with a premeditated plan... first a stealthy entrance, then executing the grab and run for it, because the little bird knows he'll be in trouble if he gets caught stealing the food:

This is something that I think we are supposed to mature out of as we age and gain wisdom... aren't we? Isn't being honest one of the things that we can be proud of?

One thing i've noticed, is that some kids are honest with thier parents, even when they've done something wrong, or if someone did something wrong to them, where other kids will never tell thier parents when they've done something wrong, but always will when someone did anything at all wrong to them.
Kids aren't dumb, they can tell when parents are lying or keeping secrets from them, and this doesn't exactly encourage the child to be honest... sorry if I offend anyone, but i think it's mean to not be honest with anyone over approximately 5yo about things such as the easter bunny, the tooth fairy or santa. I've asked relatives this young if they believed it, and they all said 'no' or 'not really', and then something like 'don't tell my parents because they think I believe it and i like getting presents'

Sorry to get personal about your bedroom antics . I have used the "Mum and Dad like to have some time alone." and then use a diversion tactic. The times are few and far between at the moment, sadly.

Don't be sorry! Don't be sad either, maybe you should start a thread about what do people do to keep the sparks alive in the bedroom! I'd like to hear from Peter 14.7 actually, he's like in his mid 40's and still doing it nearly every day iirc

Telling white lies and showing politeness when sometimes you would rather not is part of successful social interaction.

That sounds more like being a successful salesperson

Without wanting to get lynched..... I'm curious about those who have said that "lying" about Santa and the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny think this will somehow harm their children and possibly teach them that lying is "normal".

Well it depends.. are you planning on lying to them about them until they are a teenager? Do you think that encourages a honest relationship between parents and children?

I remember reading in a few parenting books that lying is indeed "normal" and children go through the lying stage as part of normal development. I was comforted by knowing this when I found my kids did indeed do a bit of "stretching the truth" themselves, and didn't panic or think they were going to "turn out bad".

My boy started telling the odd lie to me at about 1yo, hasn't stopped, they are always hilarious. Most of the time he's very honest with me, even if he's done something wrong.

I'm curious to know if those of you who have said you plan on telling your children there is no Santa, Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny were told the truth about these magic things from when you were little, and if not, do you think you have been damaged or have turned into a lyer by having been allowed to believe in the "lies" when you were young.

I think it is sad to take that magic away when it is something most kids enjoy. I think it is harmless and they grow up all to soon.

Ofcourse it would be sad to not let them enjoy it as a little kid, and yes they grow up too soon, probably thanks to the information age we live in.
My 3yo boy probably still thinks that santa is real, but when he eventually asks me if he's real, i'll be telling him the truth - think about it, he would have figured it out, which is why he's asking, and he can probably tell if i'm lying!!!
Come to think of it, i'd probably just ask him "what do you think?" and "what makes you think that?" etc... and i'd probably just end up agreeing with his conclusion, which i'm guessing would be the logical one.

 

[wylie]

I was not trying to suggest that we try to convince our teenagers that Santa is real. Now you are being silly .

I just think kids love the whole Santa, Bunny and fairy thing. Our boys loved following the trail of eggs around the house and it was probably when they were around nine or ten that they knew it wasn't real but wanted it to continue, especially to enjoy seeing our youngest enjoy the "lie".

I still want to know if your parents burst your bubble when you were five?

Kids do sense when you are lying in many areas, but those magic times are fleeting and we have not lied to our kids generally, though sometimes a white lie is politically correct, as others have said. I don't think I am damaged by believing in Santa for the first years of my life. I certainly didn't think my parents were lying in other areas. By the time kids are getting the idea that "just maybe" mum and dad are really putting the presents under the tree and drinking the milk and eating most of the carrot, they are mature enough to understand why these "lies" were told to them.

Mostly, they then join in the "lying" for younger siblings or cousins. It is not a malicious lie.

I think you need to give kids more due in this regard.

 

[vincenzo]

Nah, they were just avoiding the subject, same with much more topics such as money, work, where babies come from etc... we don't have to tell them stories about storks do we?

Most kids these days have figured it out by the time they are about 5, so if a parent isn't going to answer thier questions honestly, it doesn't help an honest and open relationship.

I have young relatives that are more honest with me than thier parents, and I think that's kinda sad. I don't know how to give kids any more dues than I do

 

[weg]

I have young relatives that are more honest with me than thier parents, and I think that's kinda sad. I don't know how to give kids any more dues than I do

So do you think this is due to the 'Santa lie' or other types of lies, like white lies and politeness?

Or is the reason, you won't flip out but the parents will .

Always remain calm, rational and constructive no matter how hard it is and they'll more than likely not lie to you.

My children who were told the Santa story are very honest to the extent that I've had to tell the eldest that he really mustn't feel compelled to tell me so much (confessing ).

 

[wylie]

Nah, they were just avoiding the subject, same with much more topics such as money, work, where babies come from etc... we don't have to tell them stories about storks do we?

No . Although my mother-in-law still cannot say the "p" word and told us ten years ago that someone had "wee wee" problems. Her little boy was 41 by then . I think he knew the real word. (I am not using it only because I am not sure it needs printing on this forum.... I don't have any hang-ups..... I promise )

Most kids these days have figured it out by the time they are about 5, so if a parent isn't going to answer thier questions honestly, it doesn't help an honest and open relationship.

I agree that kids learn in their own good time, and personally, I found it coincided with most of the kids at school. But I found with my own kids (and with their friends) it was considerably older than five, probably about nine or ten before the knew absolutely.

I have young relatives that are more honest with me than thier parents, and I think that's kinda sad. I don't know how to give kids any more dues than I do

What I meant by giving them their due is more that by the age of nine or ten when they know Santa is not real, they are old enough to know the reason behind the deception, and understand it was for their enjoyment. I know with my three boys, once we told them the truth, they were fine with it, but with my brother's kids, they were upset, especially how they were told, because their mum was cranky about them misbehaving in the car. I thought it a disgusting thing to do to punish them for misbehaving. They were probably 7, 5, 3 and 1, so no more magic there . My mum said they just looked sad.

I wasn't having a go at you vincenzo, and I hope you don't think I was, but I just think that all too soon kids have to grow up and that little window of magic is something they enjoy, and we enjoy too.

 

[vincenzo]

Both are the reason I think. They know I won't flip out that much about it, and they know i'll be honest and constructive about it.

So what age did you tell your kids about Santa? I'm guessing that when they started questioning/suspecting things, you didn't continue lying?


agree, Wylie, that mum was definitely not being a mature parent there!
That wouldn't have helped the kids to be open and honest with her either!