How to invest with your partner?

[rugrat]

I think the issue is that you are both in very different stages in your lives, with different goals and priorities. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable in your wants or priorities, they are just different.
You are still looking for financial goals. She is looking to build a home, a marriage and a family. It is nesting. And it won't stop once you get married, because she will then be looking at children - and children can be expensive. I think it's only going to cause you lots more problems from here on in if you do come up with a way to communicate and compromise on these issues. I seriously recommend both of you going and doing some premartial counselling, specifically looking at financial compatibility.
I think the best thing you can do is sit down with her and work out what your one year goal is, your five year goal and your tend year goals. And then you need to decide on a budget that can accommodate your desire to invest, and her desire to nest and have a family. It may be you put aside half of the money earmarked for investment, and the other half for those things she feels is important. It will mean you cannot proceed at the pace you are wanting. But you will still proceed. And it means that she cannot have everything straight away, but she can still have some, and she van prioritise those particular things that are most important to her.

 

[rugrat]

And ignore all the rubbish about her wanting you to take control, etc. Quickest way to **** a woman off is tell her what she can and cannot spend money on. Trust me, I'm a woman.
Marriage, good marriages, are about partnerships. They aren't a competition. You need to ask yourself "Do I want to be 'right'? Or do I want to be happy?" they are mutually exclusive. Because if someone is 'right' that means the other person is 'wrong'. And that ends up hurting everyone. Compromise and communication. And don't let her stick her head in the sand. She needs to know the details, even if she finds them boring, because how else can you negotiate with each other if one of you isn't aware of the entire picture.

 

[nhg]

Because if someone is 'right' that means the other person is 'wrong'. And that ends up hurting everyone.

Exactly!

All communication is feedback, if someone wants to do something like buy a $2k couch, perhaps try to look past the superficial and find out what the driver is. There is a reason they/you see it as important. When you know the why, you can then work on it effectively.ou

 

[Hooray]

Maybe the answer is find a partner that you're financially compatible with?

 

[knightm]

Plenty of interesting replies.

I'm in for 13 yrs marriage so far. Don't plan on giving up anytime soon. Its good, and hard sometimes to manage finances. Open communication about expectations is good.

I have been reading a book by John Demartini called "The Values Factor" it talks about the inevitable gap between our fantasy of the "perfect" partner who never challenges us and the reality, in which they operate according to their own highest values, not ours.

It also talks about linking our own highest values to our partners to show them how both sets of goals can be mutually achieved. Interesting concept.

 

[knightm]

I think the issue is that you are both in very different stages in your lives, with different goals and priorities. I don't think either of you are being unreasonable in your wants or priorities, they are just different.
You are still looking for financial goals. She is looking to build a home, a marriage and a family. It is nesting. And it won't stop once you get married, because she will then be looking at children - and children can be expensive. I think it's only going to cause you lots more problems from here on in if you do come up with a way to communicate and compromise on these issues. I seriously recommend both of you going and doing some premartial counselling, specifically looking at financial compatibility.
I think the best thing you can do is sit down with her and work out what your one year goal is, your five year goal and your tend year goals. And then you need to decide on a budget that can accommodate your desire to invest, and her desire to nest and have a family. It may be you put aside half of the money earmarked for investment, and the other half for those things she feels is important. It will mean you cannot proceed at the pace you are wanting. But you will still proceed. And it means that she cannot have everything straight away, but she can still have some, and she van prioritise those particular things that are most important to her.

none of this is stupid advice.

 

[spludgey]

Thanks everyone.

We've now compromised a bit. We agreed that she can have her table if we're able to knock it down to $1800 at the store and we'll find a cheaper lounge to go into the second lounge room. With the mirror, she's happy to get a second hand one from ebay.
Nesting definitely sounds like her! Within about two months of going out together, she laid out her time frame for everything including having children and getting married. It may sound a bit full on, but I think it's good, because I know what she wants and I'm happy with it.
In her Master Plan? she said that she wants to have her first child in what is now two years? time. That's why I'm so set on getting more investment properties now. Once we have children, I might not be able to keep buying two or more properties per year.

I don't really think she's s**t testing me, she would have done that a long time ago.
I'm not the boss in our partnership and I don't want to be either. She's got her own mind, which can be a little annoying at times, but definitely makes things much more interesting.

 

[Bandita]

Thanks everyone.

We've now compromised a bit. We agreed that she can have her table if we're able to knock it down to $1800 at the store and we'll find a cheaper lounge to go into the second lounge room. With the mirror, she's happy to get a second hand one from ebay.

I don't really think she's s**t testing me, she would have done that a long time ago.
I'm not the boss in our partnership and I don't want to be either. She's got her own mind, which can be a little annoying at times, but definitely makes things much more interesting.

Good choices, win wins

 

[neK]

We've now compromised a bit. We agreed that she can have her table if we're able to knock it down to $1800 at the store

I think thats a good middle ground. Me and the wife went with this mentality and its kept us both happy

and we'll find a cheaper lounge to go into the second lounge room.

hehe, just had to have a giggle at this... first world problems. I need something to put in my 2nd lounge room. But hey, its a good problem to have.

I don't really think she's s**t testing me, she would have done that a long time ago.

This comment was posted by a person who thinks he's god's gift to women. To him every woman is sh~t testing him.

 

[travelbug]

My husband and I have very different views on money and investing. It can work, having said that, sometimes it annoys the hell out of me.

I've made some mistakes - when we got together I had my own house. I sold this thinking we would invest together. Turns out I was wrong

We dont share our money - we have a joint account we both put a set amount into each payday. This pays our PPOR mortgage and bills and over time any surplus is spent on joint purchases such as holidays, furniture etc. If we need to put more in, we do.

We have separate savings. He does what he wants with his, and I do what I want with mine. He is very frugal and I like to buy things I want.

He is a very good saver and prefers his money in the bank.

I like property and have bought in my own name without husband. (Also bought with him, but kind of regret that as it limits my ability to buy myself - joint and severally liable issue).

We rarely argue over money. It's a bit weird I guess, but it can work. We both earn the same amount which makes this work.

It sounds like that works for you but obviously isn't for everyone. For example what if there are kids and one person doesn't want to work? How are bills sorted?

My husband and I aren't matched financially. He is not interested in investing and would be happy to live from week to week.
Luckily he trusts me and lets me handle the money. Because of that he has retired years earlier than would have been possible without our investments so he's happy. I still need to remind him of that occasionally when he needs to fix something in one of the "stupid houses that YOU wanted to buy".

Sit down and discuss your future (including financial future) so there are no surprises. A friend went to one of those weekend courses that some churches run for couples before they get married. She said one couple split up on that weekend. She assumed she'd continue her career. He said no she had to stop working when they had kids. Don't know what emoticon to put here!!!

Best to not second guess your life.

 

[Nemo30]

It sounds like that works for you but obviously isn't for everyone. For example what if there are kids and one person doesn't want to work? How are bills sorted?

Definitely isnt for everyone. We've been doing it this way for about 10 years.

We pay a set amount into a joint account that covers mortgage, bills and a bit more. The bills are direct debited each month. There is usually enough in there to cover a few purchases for the house or a holiday every now and then.

It's really just allowing each other freedom to spend or invest our savings how we want. He would never question if I bought a new handbag for instance because its my money and I can do what I want. Luckily neither of us are particularly frivolous.

I agree it wouldnt work if both aren't working fulltime or had a big difference in pay.

In the unlikely event we ever get divorced it would be fairly easy to split our assets. I also have a child from a previous relationship - if something happened to me, I have my own assets I can pass to him.

 

[roe]

She hands me all her pay packets, no question ask how I use it...I then put it to work in the stock market.

I alone make the decision, she doesn't care how the money is invested...

I fund everything, from buying the PPOR to her hobbies to every single bills to holiday

she really enjoy some of her hobbies and I let her go crazy buy whatever top of the line pro equipment...She ask I work out how to fund it.

Money is something we rarely fight over...there is no separate account, one account for everything

I got some expensive hobbies too and do go crazy at times.

Hobbies that we share, I do the shopping and go for the best and buy for all of us
coming to 2 decades together and it get better each year

come down to separation of duties for us, I deal with finance, she deal with other domestics .. Kids I set the rules she is the enforcer and when she lax or go easy, I step in to keep up the discipline.

 

[willair]

She hands me all her pay packets, no question ask how I use it...I then put it to work in the stock market.

I alone make the decision, she doesn't care how the money is invested...

You would not know if she has any sisters that are not married ,I have a few mates that are looking for Ladies like that..

 

[roe]

You would not know if she has any sisters that are not married ,I have a few mates that are looking for Ladies like that..

it may takes 5-10 years dating though
I am a poor bugger back then and she certainly didn't marry me for the money

 

[spludgey]

I actually tabled everything expensive that we have bought in the last four or five months (engagement ring, spending money in Europe, timber and screws for our deck, table, solar cells, LED lights) and it added up to $25k!
In the same time, our bank balance is actually up around $5k.
This is good news, as all of those items are pretty much a once off expense, so we?ll be able to save a substantial amount of money per year, even if we buy a few things that she wants.

 

[Shovelhead]

Hi spludgey,I hope all goes well and you find a middle ground.I once was in a relationship where the ex turned sour despite me laying the ground rules from the beginning.
Take a leaf from roe posts,i think he has sound advice.

Also call me old fashioned but man has to lead,womens lib is over rated.Just saying as my opinion.I wish you the best outcome spludgey!

Kind regards Shovelhead.

 

[Brady]

Hi spludgey,I hope all goes well and you find a middle ground.I once was in a relationship where the ex turned sour despite me laying the ground rules from the beginning.
Take a leaf from roe posts,i think he has sound advice.

Also call me old fashioned but man has to lead,womens lib is over rated.Just saying as my opinion.I wish you the best outcome spludgey!

Kind regards Shovelhead.

Shovelhead = spades yeah?

 

[spludgey]

Hi spludgey,I hope all goes well and you find a middle ground.I once was in a relationship where the ex turned sour despite me laying the ground rules from the beginning.
Take a leaf from roe posts,i think he has sound advice.

Also call me old fashioned but man has to lead,womens lib is over rated.Just saying as my opinion.I wish you the best outcome spludgey!

Kind regards Shovelhead.

Thanks mate, I think we're going to be all good now. Both of us have compromised a little and we've come to an agreement in terms of getting stuff that we're both happy with.

I'll have to disagree with you on the man being the leader though. I'm not the boss of her and she's not the boss of me. While she infuriates me at times, I wouldn't want someone that's just going to agree with everything I say. She's got her own mind and that's good.

 

[rugrat]

'the man has to lead'
Stuff that for a joke. I'd rather be single then have anyone think they can tell me what to do. A real man can accept a woman as an equal and values and respects her intelligence enough to let her decide her own path. If they are both lucky, both their paths will be heading in the same direction.

 

[property_girl]

Spludgey, I don't want to appear to be a naysayer, but have you got something in place to protect your assets should they two of you break up? Do you have a pre-nup? I would encourage you to get one. You have worked hard for your five properties. When I got married I was the one with the investment properties and my husband had debts. He wanted to spend money; I wanted to save it. When I got a large pre-marriage payout, he would not allow me to buy an investment property in my name alone. I sold one of my investment properties to buy our family home, which went into both our names, and I continued to buy properties in both our names, even when he didn't contribute to them, as I was not allowed to do otherwise. If you are uncomfortable about money issues now, you need to work it out before you get married. Don't wait until it's too late.