Joke Thread
- Thread starter CHam
- Start date
boods, don't start that!
A guy at the door with no arms or legs?
Matt.
A guy in the ocean with no arms or legs?
Bob.
A guy with no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
A guy with a spade in his head?
Doug.
A guy without a spade in his head?
Douglas.
A guy with a rabbit up his ... clacker?
Warren.
A guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What did the Irishman say to the 3-headed, no-armed, 1-legged hitchhiker?
'ello, 'ello, 'ello! You look 'armless, 'op in!
A guy at the door with no arms or legs?
Matt.
A guy in the ocean with no arms or legs?
Bob.
A guy with no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
A guy with a spade in his head?
Doug.
A guy without a spade in his head?
Douglas.
A guy with a rabbit up his ... clacker?
Warren.
A guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
What did the Irishman say to the 3-headed, no-armed, 1-legged hitchhiker?
'ello, 'ello, 'ello! You look 'armless, 'op in!
His arms and legs hanging on the wall? Pieces of art.
Bahahahahaha !
What cheese do you use to disguise your horse?
Mascarpone
Mascarpone
I love cheesy jokes
Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
It hasn't been tested on mice...
What do vegan zombies eat?
Grains
What did the two vegetarians say to each other?
We have to stop meating like this...
Don't take offense! Substitute "Greek" for any other ethnic group if you need to!
No I thought it was bloody hilarious... hopefully a few frineds will be dropping by tonight I want to tell someone
I didn't think it was that bad
What is black and white, goes round and round and screams ?
a nun on a spit
what do you do with a wombat?
Play womball
a nun on a spit
what do you do with a wombat?
Play womball
Gotta Love Blonde's
Thanksgiving Practical Joke
Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee.
While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.
When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.
Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!"
My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
The Bet
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Proof That Blondes Are Not Really Dumb
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies, "Yes."
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
Brunette Joke
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
Painting the Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Blonde Arithmetic
A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.
On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"
The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"
The blonde responded, "20, right?"
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?"
"3?" said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Thanksgiving Practical Joke
Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed more half and half for the coffee.
While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.
When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the oven and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.
Pretending to be shocked, by mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!"
My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an hour to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
The Bet
A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Proof That Blondes Are Not Really Dumb
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies, "Yes."
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has on a ski jacket and a fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
Brunette Joke
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
Painting the Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Blonde Arithmetic
A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.
On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, "What is 59 + 2?"
The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"
The blonde responded, "20, right?"
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?"
"3?" said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Wifes Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A four putt; who the hell four putts?
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.
I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A four putt; who the hell four putts?
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little *******!"
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little *******!"
I think baby monkeys are cute.. please don't insult them
I replaced the Spain with Italy and send it to friendsDon't take offense! Substitute "Greek" for any other ethnic group if you need to!
Similar threads
