Joke Thread

[pennyk]

A Somersoftian passes away and is greeted at the Pearly Gates by St Peter. He welcomes him and goes through the heavenly spiel, before taking him to a large room, filled with what looks like clocks.

Each of the clocks has a person's name on it and is turning at a different speed.

While he waits for St Peter to find his clock, he notices some other Somersoftian's clocks nearby. He sees Wylie and Jacque's clock turning slowly. Sim's is a little faster. He notices a few more, all turning at different speeds and wonders what it all means.

Finally St Peter comes back with his clock, and he asks him... St Peter explains that the clock turns every time a sin is committed. So, the more holy a person is, the slower it goes... and the more naughty, the faster it turns.

the Somersoftian nods in understanding.....and then has another question "That makes sense, St Peter.... but I cant see Dazz's clock anywhere...why isnt it here?"

Ah, said St Peter... Dazz's clock is not here... I keep it in my office to use as a fan.

(Apologies Dazz... I figured you'd be the most well known on the site.. and most able to take a joke )

 

[The Fence]

(Apologies Dazz... I figured you'd be the most well known on the site.. and most able to take a joke )

Well Daz is famous....and famous ones are often the butt of jokes....

Well done self made joke....Daz can handle it Im sure

 

[pennyk]

I was going to do this one with Somersoft characters as well.. but thought it may be too risky to those who have spouses on here as well.

A man wanted to improve his marraige, and decided to go to a marraige seminar. The motivational speaker had very strong views on how to make marraige stronger...... Essentially, men need to keep women in their place, step up and be head of the household, make all the decisions and take control of the marraige. Women should do all the housework, and have his slippers and a nice cup of tea ready for them at the end of every day.
The man was very impressed by the speakers enthusiasm and strong ideas. So, he decided to implement them in his house.
A few weeks later, he went back to meet the speaker and told him his story.

"I went home to my wife and spoke to her about what you'd said. I told her that I was going to be head of the household, and that I would make all the decisions and take control of the family. And from now on, she would be doing all the housework and have slippers and tea ready for me when I got home"

"thats great!!" said the speaker "and how did that go?"

"Well, I didnt see my wife for 4 days afterwards" said the man

"Really" said the speaker.." but what happened after 4 days"

" Well" said the man "after 4 days the swelling in my right eye went down far enough that I could finally see again"

 

[Dazz]

Nice one pennyk !!!

Whenever I seem to be a fan, there always seems to be a multitude of manure flying about.

I've been enjoying this thread immensely. CHam's jokes are cracking me up.

 

[CHam]

Well here's another for you Dazz (sorry it is so long)--

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

[Dazz]

Best yet !!!!!!!!!

 

[locko24]

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that yo...u are blind, that you should know five things...

1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.

3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and

5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;

"Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[locko24]

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

 

[Dazz]

Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

Hmmm, the engineer in me is starting to take over at this point...

$ 20 per session for 40 years hey ??

Assuming this happened every single night, without fail.........then you'd be talking about ;

40 * 365 * $ 20 = $ 292 K

That's less than 1/10th of the cash she's raked in.

Add a few multiples for compound interest over the years and you might get up to say 1m.....but no way 3m.


Dunno about what he got up to....but I reckon the Maths is telling me her husband wasn't the only contributor of deposits to her honey pot ??


...anyway....back to the jokes.

 

[CHam]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'
Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Kiwi: (in a panic) 'No! That sheep's a liar..'

 

[vbplease]

^^ haha.. now the good stuff.

How do kiwis find sheep in tall grass?

Delightful

 

[K4K4M]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

 

[redwing]

Here's couple of old ones

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'"

"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'

"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'

"The other one sighs and says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk.'"

last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

 

[redwing]

And some new (to me anyway)

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business with a partner. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you, or should you not tell your partner?"

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung
out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I
looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin
was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had
this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can
tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

 

[boods99]

.....



or the one about the snail that go robbed by a gang of turtles.

He went to the cops and reported it. The cops asked if he could describe the offenders, to which he replied...

Sorry, I cant. It all happend so quickly!

 

[wobbycarly]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

[amy21322]

Two Irish mates met one day when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second Irishman replied, "Well, I was walking through the park yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, lay on the ground, and said "Take whatever you want."

His mate nodded approvingly, "Good choice...the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted, anyway."

 

[Sim]

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though.

The plot thickens...

 

[Sim]

I love jokes about anti-wrinkle cream. They never get old.


To neigh or not to neigh. That is equestrian.


Was walking round the supermarket today when a dumpling crashed into me. I think I might suet.


Did you hear about the earthquake at the Galaxy factory? Sent a ripple through the whole building.


A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

 

[Sim]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."