Politely declining a gift

Hello everyone,

My husband has just sent me a text letting me know that he opened an envelope sent by my parents and that there was a cheque in there for a large sum of money. There was no letter or card attached. I don't want to specify the amount but it would take us about 12 months to save up. I presume it was for our wedding anniversary which was a week ago but it could just be a coincidence.

The problem is that I feel really bad accepting this. They gave us about half this amount as a "housewarming" gift before we moved into our PPOR in September which we accepted but I made a point of noting that it was very generous, that we're fine financially and for them not spend any more on big gifts for us. My parents are pretty much retired but my dad does irregular work at times to keep active. They are pretty frugal and don't spend much on themselves at all. The only travel they've done is to visit relatives overseas twice.

I don't know how to decline this without them getting offended. I know my father will be especially offended if we don't accept it. I was thinking to accept the gift but then use most of it to get something for them but then I'm not sure if this is even ruder because I'm using their money for something it wasn't intended for. I know my mother has wanted to go to Hawaii for a few years and the money would easily pay for that with lots of change.

Also, we are planning to do a big trip to Europe at the end of the year. My parents are the OTT sensible with money types who think you shouldn't spend any money on luxuries like travel until you pay off your mortgage and retire etc. I know they would get annoyed if we accepted this and then travelled at the end of the year as they would view it as not spending their contribution sensibly etc. This is not something I want to defer as I have been planning it for a really long time.

So what are your thoughts? How do I approach this situation?

Thanks :)
 
Why not raise your concerns with them as you have done here... have the same discussion with your parents? Or is this not possible?
 
You poor thing.

What a bugger of a problem to have.

Hope it all works out, but personally, I would take it.:rolleyes:

I was expecting a reply like this. I should preface my initial post by saying that it's a gift with a leash attached (i.e. anything I do in the future that is deemed a bit "wrong" will be linked back to the gift, if that makes sense). I tried to elude to this toward the end of the post but not sure if I got it across properly.
 
Take the money and make them happy.
It will make them feel satisfied if you do.
The money is probably not the significant issue here.

I also think they've given you the money and a gift "should" mean "yours to do with as you wish" but I also understand that sometimes there is a "leash" and that if you spend it on a trip, you worry it will be frowned on.

Gifts "should" be freely given. Maybe tell your parents you are going away anyway (do they know this already?) and tell them the cheque has gone against your home loan.

You know your parents and none of us do, so you probably know how best to negotiate this tricky situation.
 
Did they not send a card/letter or anything explaining what it was for?

I'd thank them for it and at the same time reiterate your plans to travel.

It sounds like you were going to travel regardless of this gift - so why not just pop it against your home loan and continue on your way.

It's a tough one to help with because only you understand the dynamics between yourself and your parents.

If my parents sent me a cheque in the post without any explanation as to what it was for- I'd be anxious that someone had kicked the bucket!

Cheers

Jamie
 
I was expecting a reply like this. I should preface my initial post by saying that it's a gift with a leash attached (i.e. anything I do in the future that is deemed a bit "wrong" will be linked back to the gift, if that makes sense). I tried to elude to this toward the end of the post but not sure if I got it across properly.

I know where you are coming from. We had this problem in our family. My grand parents lent my parents some money when they were starting out. When the **** would hit the fan from time to time they would always bring it up. Not worth the hassle.
 
My parents are like this too, so I know how you feel. I used to argue with them but I have given up and just accept the money. Accepting money from other people is very uncomfortable for me because I am used to looking after myself. Perhaps you could take the money and invest it wisely and use your own money for the overseas trip?
 
Here's a suggestion:

Take the money and invest it for them (eg in shares, or even a term deposit)

In effect you have become the fund manager for that money.

Keep track of it, and have it there for them if they ever need it in the future.


The Y-man
 
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Like Wylie, I believe a gift is just that - no strings attached.

However, I also appreciate that others think differently.

Why not visit your parents and thank them, then ask if they had any preference how you used the money. It may be that they will say to do as you please, but, on the other hand, may prefer you to pay it off your mortgage. If you do go down this road, then you probably will have to use the money in the way they ask.

Make sure your parents know of your travel plans, and that they have no relationship to any gift you may receive.

You should know your parents well enough to know if this will be "held over your head" in years to come or not. However, this is a two-edged sword, and you will be stuck with either "we gave you money and you misused it" OR "we offered you money and you threw it back in our faces". Either way, you can't win that one!!
Marg
 
I would thank them, and explain to them that this will be treated as a loan.
The money is always there and they can access it whenever they choose.
In the meantime it will sit in an offset account to help you reduce interest while they figure out what to do.
 
Thanks for your replies - I'll have an initial chat to them tonight and see what they say. It seems like bit of a catch 22 situation. I am tempted to use the money on something for them but that probably wouldn't go down well either.
 
Are you serious cimbom ?

Or is this a gee up? Honestly, just take it and do with it what you want.

It is a gift.

Deal with the crap later rather than open a can of worms before cashing in now!
 
Have a talk with your parents as suggested, and if it eventuates that the gift has more strings attached than its worth just accept the cheque graciously and "forget" to cash it.
And be thankful your parents haven't got the hang of internet banking.
 
I willingly gave my 3 children quite large sums of money a while back. My 2 sons spent it on motorbikes etc. my daughter put it on her mortgage (which is where I just assumed it would go for all of them) When I complained to my daughter about their choices, she said, you gave the money as a gift therefore it is up to them where they spend it, which I grudgingly had to agree with. If I had my time again I would specify where it had to go or else not give it until they were a bit more mature
 
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