Some stock market definitions

These terms have been updated to fit today's times:

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

CFO: corporate fraud officer.

BULL MARKET-A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET-A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the spouse gets no presents, and the investor gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING-The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO-The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER-What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR-Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST-Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT-When your spouse and the lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER-A person whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION-The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO-What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR-Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT-an archaic word no longer in use.