I read this interesting article on tall poppy sydrome - was wondering if anybody else experiences this with family and friends. my husband and i have definitely found that this is a problem in our relationships and have stopped discussing property purchases and so on.
an interesting read if you've ever felt like your friends aren't happy for your successes:
http://www.realestate.com.au/review/apr072/tall_poppy.html?from=review
Are you reluctant to talk about property investing with friends and family? If so, you're not alone.
Welcome to Australia – land of the tall poppy syndrome. Don’t we just love to applaud Aussies who’ve become rich or famous… that is, provided they have the right amount of modesty. And you can never have too much modesty, it would seem.
So how does a successful property investor fit into a society which worships the idea of being ‘down to earth’? Jan Somers and Margaret Lomas are both property authors as well as highly successful investors. Here they share some ideas about managing tall poppy syndrome.
The dilemma
Friendships are integral in Australian society, Lomas says. People often build their lifestyles around their friendships. So it’s important to realise that your property investing does have the potential to threaten some friendships. Unfortunately, Lomas has seen it happen to a number of her clients.
“I find that, especially when everyday battlers do really well with property, their friends start to see them a little bit differently. My favourite expression is that ‘in Australia people like you to get ahead, as long as it’s not ahead of them.’
“It’s almost one of those things that keep people back from achieving as much as they possibly could. They’re worried about what their friends may think,” Lomas says.
So how can you be successful and keep your friends?
1. Getting your friends involved
Lomas suggests that you could try to get your friends involved in property investing right from the start.
“Motivate them before you become successful. Get them committed to and sold on the idea themselves and do it as a group,” she suggests.
2. The hush-hush approach
Another option is to keep quiet about your achievements.
“Some of my clients don’t even tell their friends what they’ve achieved,” Lomas says. “That’s very sad, that you can’t talk about success because then people do think that you’re boasting or bragging… And we often hear the expression, ‘Oh they think they’re too good for us now’.”
While Lomas feels it’s a shame for people to play down their success, Somers is more accepting of it.
“That’s just life,” she says. “It’s just a social skill. You don’t want to intimidate people. You don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable.”
Somers knows this from personal experience.
“When we started to invest in the ’70s,” she recalls, “I thought it was such a great idea, I used to tell everyone.
“It probably took 10 years or so to realise it felt like I was selling Amway. The response was sometimes a bit cool.”
People would often infer that Somers’ success had been thanks to good luck, or good timing, rather than any hard work or effort. They’d explain away their own inaction by saying: “Weren’t you lucky you bought when things were cheap?”
Somers would respond, “Well, you can do it too,” and she’d see them back pedaling, “as though I was trying to sell them a concept.”
In time, Somers grew tired of what she calls a cross between tall poppy syndrome and Amway syndrome.
“I take a reverse view now. I don’t talk about property at all.
“I suppose I’ve become older and wiser and now I can see people are just different. They just don’t want to do it and they don’t want to talk about it. And they don’t want to feel intimidated by it.”
Somers still jumps at the chance to help someone with a specific enquiry about property investing. She’s just extremely unlikely to be the one to bring up property in a social situation.
“I think there’s only a tall poppy syndrome if you’re there talking about it, and you’re flaunting your wealth. If you flaunt it then you’re going to get knocked down,” she suggests.
“If you turn up at Woolies, like I do, in thongs and shorts, there’s no tall poppy syndrome at all.”
She concedes, “There is a tall poppy syndrome where some people will unjustly be dragged down. But in most cases it’s probably self-inflicted.”
3. Being selectively quiet
A small number of your friends might be excited about property. So it can’t hurt to ‘test the waters’. When you come across someone who’s into property, it’s usually pretty obvious. They’ll want to hear all about your investing strategy and they’ll be happy to reciprocate with details of their properties, and their future plans.
Of course, there will always be people who aren’t interested in property. And there’ll always be people who are insecure about your success. If you value your friendships with these people, you might have to accept that you’re better off not to mention investing around them.
4. Seeking out like-minded people
If your friends and family just aren’t interested, why not seek out new people?
“We truly have a lot of success when we’re motivated and supported by people who think like we do,” Lomas says.
Some investment advisory companies have property focus groups where clients can get together and talk freely about their investments. It’s a great way to stay motivated and to learn from other people’s experiences. And you’re likely to find plenty of people who are happy to celebrate your successes with you.
You can also meet other property investors by attending seminars. (If you’re not sure about the presenter’s reputation, search the internet and see what you can find out about their background).
Alternatively, if you already know of one or two like-minded people, you can always set up your own interest group. One investor we profiled in API a couple of years ago did this very successfully. Before he knew it, tea and bickies at a mate’s place turned into a big scale affair with guest speakers at a local community hall.
5. The ‘who cares?’ approach
You’ve done well with your investments and you want to spoil yourself with a better lifestyle. A new home, car or boat. Perhaps a new school for the kids. At this point, a visible gap might open up between you and your friends. Tall poppy syndrome might kick in.
Let’s assume you’re not carrying on like an egotistical jerk, and therefore the tall poppy syndrome is unwarranted. You’ve worked hard and now you’re reaping the rewards. Should you really care about the opinions of people who’d prefer you to be less successful, because that would suit them better?
Lomas jokes, “I think (investors) should say, ‘I couldn’t care less what anybody thinks. Because I would rather be old with fewer friends, than old (and) poor with lots of friends’.”
Lomas doesn’t mince her words, but she makes a reasonable point. Sometimes it’s probably worth asking whether it’s worth continuing a friendship with someone who can’t be happy for you when you do well.
Life’s easier if you can be authentic in your dealings with other people. If property is a big part of your life, it’s hard to constantly hide that. And it’s also hard to hide the fact you’ve accumulated significant wealth.
Arguably, you’re doing no-one a favour if you keep hiding your success from others. In the oft-quoted words of author Marianne Williamson: “Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
A word on families
In an ideal world, your family would be thrilled to hear about your capital growth and your increased rental yield. But in reality, a lot of the discussion in this article about friendships applies equally to family members. Some will be supportive, but you can’t expect everyone to be.
Somers says she’s even less likely to talk about property with her family than she is with friends.
“I just don’t bring it up at all,” she says. “It’s just not something I feel as though I want to impose on people.”
Somers also feels there’s no need to tell people – even family members – how many properties she and her husband own.
“It’s enough,” is the answer she gives if asked.
“They’re aware of how well you’ve done and there’s no need to rub their noses in it,” she believes.
Of course, like anything, it’s about assessing the relationship you have with a particular family member before deciding how open you can be. So long as you’re careful who you talk to, and even then you try to keep your ego in check, you can’t go too far wrong.
an interesting read if you've ever felt like your friends aren't happy for your successes:
http://www.realestate.com.au/review/apr072/tall_poppy.html?from=review
Are you reluctant to talk about property investing with friends and family? If so, you're not alone.
Welcome to Australia – land of the tall poppy syndrome. Don’t we just love to applaud Aussies who’ve become rich or famous… that is, provided they have the right amount of modesty. And you can never have too much modesty, it would seem.
So how does a successful property investor fit into a society which worships the idea of being ‘down to earth’? Jan Somers and Margaret Lomas are both property authors as well as highly successful investors. Here they share some ideas about managing tall poppy syndrome.
The dilemma
Friendships are integral in Australian society, Lomas says. People often build their lifestyles around their friendships. So it’s important to realise that your property investing does have the potential to threaten some friendships. Unfortunately, Lomas has seen it happen to a number of her clients.
“I find that, especially when everyday battlers do really well with property, their friends start to see them a little bit differently. My favourite expression is that ‘in Australia people like you to get ahead, as long as it’s not ahead of them.’
“It’s almost one of those things that keep people back from achieving as much as they possibly could. They’re worried about what their friends may think,” Lomas says.
So how can you be successful and keep your friends?
1. Getting your friends involved
Lomas suggests that you could try to get your friends involved in property investing right from the start.
“Motivate them before you become successful. Get them committed to and sold on the idea themselves and do it as a group,” she suggests.
2. The hush-hush approach
Another option is to keep quiet about your achievements.
“Some of my clients don’t even tell their friends what they’ve achieved,” Lomas says. “That’s very sad, that you can’t talk about success because then people do think that you’re boasting or bragging… And we often hear the expression, ‘Oh they think they’re too good for us now’.”
While Lomas feels it’s a shame for people to play down their success, Somers is more accepting of it.
“That’s just life,” she says. “It’s just a social skill. You don’t want to intimidate people. You don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable.”
Somers knows this from personal experience.
“When we started to invest in the ’70s,” she recalls, “I thought it was such a great idea, I used to tell everyone.
“It probably took 10 years or so to realise it felt like I was selling Amway. The response was sometimes a bit cool.”
People would often infer that Somers’ success had been thanks to good luck, or good timing, rather than any hard work or effort. They’d explain away their own inaction by saying: “Weren’t you lucky you bought when things were cheap?”
Somers would respond, “Well, you can do it too,” and she’d see them back pedaling, “as though I was trying to sell them a concept.”
In time, Somers grew tired of what she calls a cross between tall poppy syndrome and Amway syndrome.
“I take a reverse view now. I don’t talk about property at all.
“I suppose I’ve become older and wiser and now I can see people are just different. They just don’t want to do it and they don’t want to talk about it. And they don’t want to feel intimidated by it.”
Somers still jumps at the chance to help someone with a specific enquiry about property investing. She’s just extremely unlikely to be the one to bring up property in a social situation.
“I think there’s only a tall poppy syndrome if you’re there talking about it, and you’re flaunting your wealth. If you flaunt it then you’re going to get knocked down,” she suggests.
“If you turn up at Woolies, like I do, in thongs and shorts, there’s no tall poppy syndrome at all.”
She concedes, “There is a tall poppy syndrome where some people will unjustly be dragged down. But in most cases it’s probably self-inflicted.”
3. Being selectively quiet
A small number of your friends might be excited about property. So it can’t hurt to ‘test the waters’. When you come across someone who’s into property, it’s usually pretty obvious. They’ll want to hear all about your investing strategy and they’ll be happy to reciprocate with details of their properties, and their future plans.
Of course, there will always be people who aren’t interested in property. And there’ll always be people who are insecure about your success. If you value your friendships with these people, you might have to accept that you’re better off not to mention investing around them.
4. Seeking out like-minded people
If your friends and family just aren’t interested, why not seek out new people?
“We truly have a lot of success when we’re motivated and supported by people who think like we do,” Lomas says.
Some investment advisory companies have property focus groups where clients can get together and talk freely about their investments. It’s a great way to stay motivated and to learn from other people’s experiences. And you’re likely to find plenty of people who are happy to celebrate your successes with you.
You can also meet other property investors by attending seminars. (If you’re not sure about the presenter’s reputation, search the internet and see what you can find out about their background).
Alternatively, if you already know of one or two like-minded people, you can always set up your own interest group. One investor we profiled in API a couple of years ago did this very successfully. Before he knew it, tea and bickies at a mate’s place turned into a big scale affair with guest speakers at a local community hall.
5. The ‘who cares?’ approach
You’ve done well with your investments and you want to spoil yourself with a better lifestyle. A new home, car or boat. Perhaps a new school for the kids. At this point, a visible gap might open up between you and your friends. Tall poppy syndrome might kick in.
Let’s assume you’re not carrying on like an egotistical jerk, and therefore the tall poppy syndrome is unwarranted. You’ve worked hard and now you’re reaping the rewards. Should you really care about the opinions of people who’d prefer you to be less successful, because that would suit them better?
Lomas jokes, “I think (investors) should say, ‘I couldn’t care less what anybody thinks. Because I would rather be old with fewer friends, than old (and) poor with lots of friends’.”
Lomas doesn’t mince her words, but she makes a reasonable point. Sometimes it’s probably worth asking whether it’s worth continuing a friendship with someone who can’t be happy for you when you do well.
Life’s easier if you can be authentic in your dealings with other people. If property is a big part of your life, it’s hard to constantly hide that. And it’s also hard to hide the fact you’ve accumulated significant wealth.
Arguably, you’re doing no-one a favour if you keep hiding your success from others. In the oft-quoted words of author Marianne Williamson: “Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you… And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”
A word on families
In an ideal world, your family would be thrilled to hear about your capital growth and your increased rental yield. But in reality, a lot of the discussion in this article about friendships applies equally to family members. Some will be supportive, but you can’t expect everyone to be.
Somers says she’s even less likely to talk about property with her family than she is with friends.
“I just don’t bring it up at all,” she says. “It’s just not something I feel as though I want to impose on people.”
Somers also feels there’s no need to tell people – even family members – how many properties she and her husband own.
“It’s enough,” is the answer she gives if asked.
“They’re aware of how well you’ve done and there’s no need to rub their noses in it,” she believes.
Of course, like anything, it’s about assessing the relationship you have with a particular family member before deciding how open you can be. So long as you’re careful who you talk to, and even then you try to keep your ego in check, you can’t go too far wrong.
..... and cracks appear in the hidden dam wall, and sometimes a little bit spills out. 
