My deepest sympathies
Dear Ruby
I am so sorry for your family's loss at this time.
My best friend lost both a brother and a sister from her family of 5 children. While her brother died as a toddler (and before I knew the family), her sister died as a teenager and as part of her extended family I can vividly remember the anguish that the family experience which often manifested in so many different ways. While Kate has been gone now for 20 years I vividly recall a conversation when I asked my friends mother how she handled loosing not one, but two children; her answer was quick and indicative of the type of person she was! " I know where my children are! Many parents never know what happened to their kids" She took solace that, even in her despair, she knew what happened to her children and could lay them to rest, when some parents have terrible things happen to their children or have them taken suddenly and/or never see them again.
I hope that even in your dark hours Ruby that you can cling to the memories of being one of the unlucky, but lucky ones, which were able to say all the things you wanted to say and have them said back to you. You have to cling to any fragment of consolation you can offer yourself!
I also hope that no-one ever feels uncomfortable talking about your son with you. My friend's family always talk about Kate and what she did, but it was amazing how uncomfortable many people were with this, especially after the first couple of months.
Anyhow I don't know if other people's stories help or not and I certainly don't mean to diminish your suffering by saying it could be worse, I wish you and your family every sympathy at this time.