Found an old article, thought it was quite funny. Enjoy! 
We're all to blame for the continuing "rent crisis", every one of us, at some time or another, having been cogs in the macabre apparatus of "real estate". Investment buyers make slothful, uncreative fortunes by refusing to believe that there is a housing problem, and the tenants make this feudalism possible by paying off the auxiliary mortgages for their lords. Meanwhile, anyone who's spent a Saturday looking for a home to rent knows that a good percentage of the hours are spent travelling to that which was advertised as Camelot but turns out to be more like Stonehenge. Presumably, the agent believes it better to have a grotesquely disappointed punter at the property than no punter at all. The following is a list of the most frequent fibs to be found in the "To Let" classifieds, their codes broken and explained, their glamour unplugged. Memorise them and at least you'll save time, if not money.
HARBOUR GLIMPSES
What this means is that if you open the bathroom window, lean your torso out at a 90-degree angle and look down the alleyway towards the main street, you might, from time to time, "glimpse" the harbour as it is reflected in the side mirrors of passing vehicles.
CHARACTER BUILDING
The groans from the distressed timberwork, the cackling of the tiles as they scuttle down the roof and the perpetual smell of sewerage invest this piece of real estate with a distinctly human quality.
STUDIO APARTMENT
Great for nude photo shoots, because there are no inside walls or windows.
HANDY LOCATION
The city's busiest traffic thoroughfare is but metres from your front door, as is the morgue, a heroin shooting gallery and a convenient 24-hour sheet-metal workshop.
NON-SMOKER PREFERRED
Don't get comfortable - the owner's moving in shortly.
COMBINED LOUNGE/DINING ROOM:
In fact, you have only one or the other. This and the flat next door were the same apartment until the landlord built a wall down the centre and - hey presto! - two apartments to let. Note that either you or the tenants next door have a "new kitchen and bathroom".
EAT-IN KITCHEN
You're going to have to, because the rest of the house hasn't the elbow room required for utilisation of cutlery.
ART DECO
The carpets, wallpapers, paintworks, locks, electrical fittings, tap washers, flaking ceiling, broken windows and scraps of food surrounding the stove are 1940 originals.
MAGNIFICENTLY MAINTAINED
The previous tenants deserve congratulations for their efforts in keeping this place from falling apart - a terrifying, full-time job which now falls to you.
OLDER STYLE
Than what? Victorian? Neolithic? Designed to attract everyone from '80s revivalists to archaeology nuts, "older style" is industry shorthand for "condemned".
BRIGHT AND SUNNY
The previous tenant scarpered with all the blinds and curtains.
FRESHLY PAINTED
Stinks.
BEAUTIFULLY PRESENTED
Is disguised with magnificent furniture, exotic plants and intriguing artworks from abroad, all of which will be raked out of there the minute you sign the lease.
NEW CARPET
The carpet is indeed new to this particular apartment, the landlord having ripped it from the well-trodden decks of his other investment property, now being advertised as having "polished floorboards".
POLISHED FLOORBOARDS
See above.
PETS OK
Because something's gotta be done about the rats.
DELIGHTFULLY APPOINTED
Benchtops are scattered with doilies, the walls are garlanded with cheap prints of big-eyed kittens and the bathroom tap is a mock-bronze figurine of a dolphin that vomits your bathwater.
FULLY FURNISHED
The agent couldn't be bothered moving the previous tenant's crap out of there.
QUIET LOCATION
Due to all manner of health and security concerns, there is nobody else living in this inaccessible street.
SUNROOM
Some idiot boarded-up the balcony.
BALCONY
The broken windows in the sunroom have not been replaced.
ONE WEEK'S RENT FREE
Will somebody please, please sign a lease on this uninhabitable ********?!
SUIT PROFESSIONAL
Students, public servants and other such muck need not apply.
$300 PER WEEK
10 per cent off for the first three months, then it's $330 per week.
SHORT LEASE
Get lost.
We're all to blame for the continuing "rent crisis", every one of us, at some time or another, having been cogs in the macabre apparatus of "real estate". Investment buyers make slothful, uncreative fortunes by refusing to believe that there is a housing problem, and the tenants make this feudalism possible by paying off the auxiliary mortgages for their lords. Meanwhile, anyone who's spent a Saturday looking for a home to rent knows that a good percentage of the hours are spent travelling to that which was advertised as Camelot but turns out to be more like Stonehenge. Presumably, the agent believes it better to have a grotesquely disappointed punter at the property than no punter at all. The following is a list of the most frequent fibs to be found in the "To Let" classifieds, their codes broken and explained, their glamour unplugged. Memorise them and at least you'll save time, if not money.
HARBOUR GLIMPSES
What this means is that if you open the bathroom window, lean your torso out at a 90-degree angle and look down the alleyway towards the main street, you might, from time to time, "glimpse" the harbour as it is reflected in the side mirrors of passing vehicles.
CHARACTER BUILDING
The groans from the distressed timberwork, the cackling of the tiles as they scuttle down the roof and the perpetual smell of sewerage invest this piece of real estate with a distinctly human quality.
STUDIO APARTMENT
Great for nude photo shoots, because there are no inside walls or windows.
HANDY LOCATION
The city's busiest traffic thoroughfare is but metres from your front door, as is the morgue, a heroin shooting gallery and a convenient 24-hour sheet-metal workshop.
NON-SMOKER PREFERRED
Don't get comfortable - the owner's moving in shortly.
COMBINED LOUNGE/DINING ROOM:
In fact, you have only one or the other. This and the flat next door were the same apartment until the landlord built a wall down the centre and - hey presto! - two apartments to let. Note that either you or the tenants next door have a "new kitchen and bathroom".
EAT-IN KITCHEN
You're going to have to, because the rest of the house hasn't the elbow room required for utilisation of cutlery.
ART DECO
The carpets, wallpapers, paintworks, locks, electrical fittings, tap washers, flaking ceiling, broken windows and scraps of food surrounding the stove are 1940 originals.
MAGNIFICENTLY MAINTAINED
The previous tenants deserve congratulations for their efforts in keeping this place from falling apart - a terrifying, full-time job which now falls to you.
OLDER STYLE
Than what? Victorian? Neolithic? Designed to attract everyone from '80s revivalists to archaeology nuts, "older style" is industry shorthand for "condemned".
BRIGHT AND SUNNY
The previous tenant scarpered with all the blinds and curtains.
FRESHLY PAINTED
Stinks.
BEAUTIFULLY PRESENTED
Is disguised with magnificent furniture, exotic plants and intriguing artworks from abroad, all of which will be raked out of there the minute you sign the lease.
NEW CARPET
The carpet is indeed new to this particular apartment, the landlord having ripped it from the well-trodden decks of his other investment property, now being advertised as having "polished floorboards".
POLISHED FLOORBOARDS
See above.
PETS OK
Because something's gotta be done about the rats.
DELIGHTFULLY APPOINTED
Benchtops are scattered with doilies, the walls are garlanded with cheap prints of big-eyed kittens and the bathroom tap is a mock-bronze figurine of a dolphin that vomits your bathwater.
FULLY FURNISHED
The agent couldn't be bothered moving the previous tenant's crap out of there.
QUIET LOCATION
Due to all manner of health and security concerns, there is nobody else living in this inaccessible street.
SUNROOM
Some idiot boarded-up the balcony.
BALCONY
The broken windows in the sunroom have not been replaced.
ONE WEEK'S RENT FREE
Will somebody please, please sign a lease on this uninhabitable ********?!
SUIT PROFESSIONAL
Students, public servants and other such muck need not apply.
$300 PER WEEK
10 per cent off for the first three months, then it's $330 per week.
SHORT LEASE
Get lost.
