Exchanges between pilots and control towers

Rixter

Rixter

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'



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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'


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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land.'

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
'Wasn't I married to you once?'
 
Similar Navy exchange.



The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative.You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THATS 15 DE GREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. F*ck off.
 
Olly you beat me to it! And those are rippers, too, Rixter. Olly, that one is almost certainly an urban legend and a poke at the US Navy rather than factual, but nonetheless highly amusing...
________________
But this is a true story - I know, because I'm the idiot who said it...

Whilst training to be a fighter controller, we were regularly given "simulated emergencies", where all of a sudden an F/A-18 (Hornet) under control would pretend to have a problem with engines, or hydraulics, or radios, or whatever, and we had to implement the appropriate emergency checklist procedure, in order to pass the mission. Usually not too hard - note where they are, notify ATC, give them directions to base, respond to requests, etc.

One day, I was right in the middle of a very complicated battle, I'm high on adrenaline, when all of a sudden, in comes the most complicated emergency I've ever heard, it went something like "MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY Duckhole this is Cobra 2, bearing Williamtown 060 at 45 miles, I have a HYD 2B failure, shutting down left engine - hang on now I've lost both engines, vectoring 360 for bailout on rapid descent from 24 000 feet, request vector cobra 1 for assistance, ejecting now"

Then I had one of those horrid moments when you realise you have absolutely no idea what the person speaking to you just said. You know like at a party where someone tells you their name, and you immediately realise that it passed straight through your head? :eek: One thing I'd had absolutely hammered into me was: "don't just sit there, DO SOMETHING".

At which point, not knowing what else to do and having completely forgotten where he was or exactly where he was headed to eject, I blurted out my infamous call:

"Cobra 2, this is Duckhole, say again all after MAYDAY" :D

Of course, there was no answer... because the real pilot would have ejected, and the simulator pilot was wetting his pants laughing. This performance was woeful in terms of assisting the poor pilot getting rescued, but from memory the instructor I had was so amused by my call that he passed me on the mission anyway ;) (Don't worry - I got thrown extra emergencies on subsequent missions just to ensure I was safe!)

Man, 17 years later I still crack myself up. ROTFLOL...
 
Great stuff, thanks for that at the end of the day!

I used to work at Frankfurt airport as a highschool student and never forgot the immaculately turned out British Airways captain quietly asked for our help - he had landed the night before and forgotten where he parked his plane :D

kaf
 
Tracey, that is the funniest thing I've heard in ages!!!!!!

Blame the 'knuck' - they could never string more than one sentence together, anyway!!

(Translation for civvies: a 'knucklehead' is a fighter pilot)

Cheers
LynnH
 
A US Navy C130 was trundling across the Pacific from Guam to San Diago when a carrier based fighter jock homed in on him, did a high-speed pass just overhead, pulled back on the stick and went vertical, after-burners spewing red. After rolling out at the top he eventually joined the C130 straight and level.

"How was that" asked the jock.

"OK, but watch this" said the truck driver.

Minutes passed and nothing happened till the driver got back on the RT, "How was that?" he asked.

"Wadda' you mean" asked the jock "you didn't do anything"

"Yes I did" was the reply, "I went down the back, had a piss, made a coffee and a sandwich and now I'm back up front. How 'ya goin'?"
 
As an aircraft maintainer I have heard a lot of aviation related jokes etc.

Here's a sample of "supposed" maintenance comments in the aircraft maintenance log books. This is where the pilot documents any problems with the aircraft and the technicians write up what they did to rectify the fault.


Pilot: Something loose in cockpit
Maintainer: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Rear left tyre almost needs replacing
Maintainer: Almost replace rear left tyre.

Pilot: Left engine missing
Maintainer: Left engine found on left wing after a brief search.

Pilot: Clock inoperative
Maintainer: Clock wound

Pilot: IFF system not working
Maintainer: IFF system does not work in the OFF position.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield
Maintainer: Suspect you're right

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right hand landing gear
Maintainer: Evidence removed

There are plenty more at the following link along with plenty more radio call transcripts. Very amusing especially if you're in the aviation industry



http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm
 
Darren1968 said:
Pilot: IFF system not working
Maintainer: IFF system does not work in the OFF position.
Click to expand...
This one amuses me when attributed to various airlines. IFF is "Identification Friend or Foe", a system never used on civil aircraft and probably not for many years as a separate "black box" in military a/c.
 
What about the german u boat commander, his vessel is sinking and he's making an SOS call back to base,

U boat commander: We are sinking, we are sinking.

Base: What are you sinking about?
 
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