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Rixter

Rixter

Lone Ranger and Tonto Went Camping

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, “Kemo Sabe, look at sky. What you see?”

The Lone Ranger replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered for a minute and then said, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo patties. It mean someone stole tent!”
 
E-mail received:
Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.
Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list:

"If someone comes to your front door & says they are conducting a Survey & asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.
IT IS A SCAM-they only want to see your bum".
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid & cheap.
 
Propertunity said:
E-mail received:
Generally, I hate the warnings that get sent around, but I have to admit that this one is important.
Please protect everyone you know by sending this to your entire email list:

"If someone comes to your front door & says they are conducting a Survey & asks you to show them your bum, do NOT show them your bum.
IT IS A SCAM-they only want to see your bum".
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid & cheap.
Click to expand...

hehe... took me a while though
 
Builders Warehouse scam

A warning for all men who may be regular Builders Warehouse customers - be careful. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two very hot 20 - 21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Builders Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also February 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Mr. Price has wallets on sale 5.99 each
 
Johnny wanted to get trim for next summer, so he looked around and found what looked like a foolproof weightloss company, which offered very noticeable results in one day, or your money back!

Johnny couldn't wait, so he called up and ordered a beginner's session, and they booked him in for before lunch tommorow. Tommorow came, and a gorgeous super fit girl turned up at his door. She asked "Are you ready?" and Johnny said "Yes" so she took off her clothes, and said "if you can catch me, you can have me!" and off she sprinted.
Johnny couldn't believe it, so he ran, and ran, and ran, and eventually, he caught her, so she let him have his way with her.

The next morning Johnny noticed that his belly and legs looked a little better! So he called back, and ordered the intermediate plan.
The next day the door bell rings, and another gorgeous super fit girl is there, but taller! She asked "Are you ready?" and Johnny said "YES!!!" so she took off her clothes, and said "if you can catch me, you can have me!" and off she sprinted.
Johnny had to run even harder, she was damn hard to catch with those long legs, took him hours! But he got her in the end.

The next morning Jonny noticed that not only did he look a little better, but he had to tighten up his belt another notch. So he called back and ordered the advanced package. They warned him that this package is not to be taken lightly, and only those commited to weight loss should consider it.
Johnny said "Yes, i'm 100% commited to losing weight, it's the best thing i've ever got into!"

So the next day the door bell rings, Johnny answers and finds a big tall athletic looking smiling man, who greets him with "If i can catch you, then i can have you!"
 
Two doctors opened an office in a small town. Their sign read:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it
to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council
they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good.

Another attempt : "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and *** Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Thumbs down again.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

And the Town Council loved it.
 
An Australian, a Kiwi and a Yarpie (South African) are in a bar one

night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his

beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the

glass to pieces.



"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need

to drink from the same one twice," he says.



The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,

throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass

to pieces.



"Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses

that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.



The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,

throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the

South Arican and Kiwi.



He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have so

many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with

the same ones twice."
 
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home"
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."
 
One day in english class, the teacher was asking her students for examples of sentences using various words.
The teacher asked "Who can give me a sentence using the word contagious?"
A few kids put thier hands up, including little Johnny, but the teacher chose Amy.
Amy said "My mummy told me to not to kiss my aunty Pat, as she had a cold and it was contagious"
"That's good Amy" said the teacher. "Ok, what's yours Mary?"
"I saw a movie where one boy got sick, and it was so contagious everyone caught his infection!"
"Good" Said the teacher, and by now Johnny is almost bouncing on his chair, waving his hand in the air, so the teacher said "Ok, Johnny, what have you got for us?"
Johnny said "Me and my dad were driving past a construction site, and we say this man shoveling a massive pile of dirt into a truck, and my dad said "That's going to take that contagious"
 
-AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and
said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
 
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While we are bashing the Kiwis

An Aussie guy is driving thru New Zealand. He comes across a man in a paddock doing naughty things with a sheep. He pulls the car to a halt, jumps out and runs up to the man. "For God's sake, in Australia we shear them" The kiwi turns around and says "No way, I'm not shearin' him with anyone" He's mine!
 
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour'. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o'course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later....." The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
"Why? Don't ye believe me?"
 
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