Politely declining a gift

[BayView]

The size of the gift affects our reaction to it, I've found.

But; it's still a gift.

Thank them, say "Oh; you shouldn't have" and protest, and take it.

Put it in the offset as others suggest so that it's there if you ever need to return the favour to them or someone else in the future....

Or; give it to me; I need plenty right now.

 

[geoffw]

Or; give it to me; I need plenty right now.

BV, you should know better than that.

People have been banned from here for soliciting funds. ;-)

 

[MTR]

Looking at it from another angle..... if parents gift money etc. it is important if you have more than 1 child to make sure they both get the same.

I have huge issues at the moment with my daughters, comparing notes on who got what.

History repeating itself, my brother got a house for his wedding present, I got nothing remotely close to this $ value. Not bitter whatsoever, though I think something to consider. Enough of the lecture now, and sorry to change the subject

 

[BayView]

Looking at it from another angle..... if parents gift money etc. it is important if you have more than 1 child to make sure they both get the same.

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

For eg; my wife's parents are retired, own their house, own a factory and receive a small part-pension from Aus, as well as one from O/S.

So, they are doing ok and have saved a decent chunk of cash - they are super-tight Europeans...

My wife is one of 5 kids. One died, and there are 2 brothers and a sister left.

The SIL lives O/S and is doing quite well for herself these days.

The two brothers are both horrific spendthrifts, and are very poor on the communication with their parents, but always seem to be able to phone up when they need help and/or money...didn't even call the Old Boy for his birthday just recently.

That's fine; but it's noticeably one-way traffic if you know what I mean, and the parents feel somewhat cheated and disappointed in light of all they've done...rightly so.

My wife ends up doing all the running around and catering to the parents' requirements etc...Xmas dinner, birthday dinners and so on.

Also, one of the brothers currently lives in their factory, is always behind on rent, owes them a few grand more from borrowings, but still manages to spend loads on doodads etc.

Fast forward to our situation where we are currently asset OK, but cashflow in terrible shape.

So, the Inlaws have offered us a car, they've gifted us small amounts of money for various things over the last year or so to help out, etc.

They - in their own words - have no urge to help the two brothers financially because or their total lack of input with their parents.

In their mind - due the circumstances - they have no desire to ever make it fair and equitable.

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

Looking at it from another angle..... if parents gift money etc. it is important if you have more than 1 child to make sure they both get the same.

My sister was always the favourite in our family, and has had considerable financial support over the years, and is in fact still basically reliant on my mother to help make ends meet even in her late 30s.

I never had any such help.

But with that help has come strings. I am my own man, and support my family, and have no strings attached.

Cimbom, if you think there are strings attached then give it back. Don't give your family something to tie strings to, it isn't worth it.

 

[MTR]

OK, I see what you mean in your scenario. Free loading brothers

Though in my situation currently I think I need to follow the rule of ensuring everything is equal and I understand this may not work down the track for whatever reason. Money and family can cause major issues, I have seen plenty of friends get caught up with this.

VY
I believe in helping your children if you can, they need help now while they are young trying to forge ahead, they probably wont need it when they are older.

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

OK, I see what you mean in your scenario. Free loading brothers

Though in my situation currently I think I need to follow the rule of ensuring everything is equal and I understand this may not work down the track for whatever reason. Money and family can cause major issues, I have seen plenty of friends get caught up with this.

VY
I believe in helping your children if you can, they need help now while they are young trying to forge ahead, they probably wont need it when they are older.

I suggest letting children stand on their own two feet. Providing economic outpatient care often leads to poorer outcomes.

 

[geoffw]

I suggest letting children stand on their own two feet. Providing economic outpatient care often leads to poorer outcomes.

That's what I tell my wife. I want to have almost nothing left for my daughters when it's time to go. But she would prefer to have plenty to give them.

 

[hobo]

We have a running joke with our kids that we will be trying our damndest to make our last cheque bounce (ie spend everything).

 

[MTR]

I suggest letting children stand on their own two feet. Providing economic outpatient care often leads to poorer outcomes.

That's a hard one, it's in my DNA, but I do get your point.

 

[roe]

That's what I tell my wife. I want to have almost nothing left for my daughters when it's time to go. But she would prefer to have plenty to give them.

Nothing wrong with giving stuff to your kids or leave things behind for them provided by the time they received them they are capable of standing on their own and can put the money to good use.

Most migrants family are religiously doing that and they often disciplined enough so by the time they get them, they can make that wealth grow even more...

what you don't want is give them endless support and fund their life style

 

[roe]

Hello everyone,
So what are your thoughts? How do I approach this situation?

Thanks

Take the money, you not asking for it, they are giving them out of their free will and their love, you can always repay them in their old age and look after them or take them in under your care ...

We in the opposite direction, we support our parents, it is our duties ...
they have a duty to raise us when we are young, we have a duty to them when they are old and fragile...

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

Nothing wrong with giving stuff to your kids or leave things behind for them provided by the time they received them they are capable of standing on their own and can put the money to good use.

Most migrants family are religiously doing that and they often disciplined enough so by the time they get them, they can make that wealth grow even more...

what you don't want is give them endless support and fund their life style

My wife comes from a migrant family, and it is very apparent that the 'kids' who had the most help are the ones who are the laziest and least capable. Some of these 'kids' still receive substantial help well into their 40's, and it has done nothing to help them build long term wealth. It's a shame, because my wife's grandparents, and her parents generation, both worked very hard. The problem is that giving kids that easier life has not served them well.

We will one day receive a multi-million dollar inheritence, but hopefully not for a long time yet. And we are already self made multi-millionaires, and will not waste the money.

The hard part is working out how to motivate my own children without making them resentful.

 

[geoffw]

Many years ago, when I told my parents I was going on an extended overseas trip, they offered to match my own savings as a way of motivating my own saving.

That enabled me to extend the trip- and in that extended portion of the trip I met my wife.

So it was financial help which cost me heaps over later years

 

[roe]

My wife comes from a migrant family, and it is very apparent that the 'kids' who had the most help are the ones who are the laziest and least capable. Some of these 'kids' still receive substantial help well into their 40's, and it has done nothing to help them build long term wealth. It's a shame, because my wife's grandparents, and her parents generation, both worked very hard. The problem is that giving kids that easier life has not served them well.

That got nothing to do with money it is the parents failing for not discipline their kids or these kids have problem discipline themselves

Giving money or not to these kids they still struggle...

since you quote all the bad stuff I give some example of proven good stuff people out there in the public.

the Pratt family, the Lowe family these kids seems to double their parents billions they give them and Bill Gates if it wasn't for his father endless funding support, there is no Microsoft, they lose lot of money big time early years and he keep feeding it.

and I bet you if Microsoft failed people will quick to blame he get the money from his parents

Money is not always the problem, its a combination of things that cause the problems

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

That got nothing to do with money it is the parents failing for not discipline their kids or these kids have problem discipline themselves

Giving money or not to these kids they still struggle...

Maybe. In fact I'd say that in many cases you could be right.

But how can we expect children and young adults to develop resourcefulness and resilience if we make it too easy for them to outperform their peers? It takes more than just discipline, it takes the experience on the part of the children.

 

[cimbom]

Thanks for all your replies. I had a chat to my dad a few days ago and as I anticipated, he was very stubborn and adamant about us keeping the gift and seemed a bit hurt by my suggestion that it was excessive. So we accepted it.

We have decided to use it to completely get rid of all our non-deductible debt (excluding PPOR mortgage). Funnily enough, we were going to do this ourselves at the end of this month by getting our PPOR revalued and withdrawing the extra equity out. So now we can avoid the small amount of extra interest we'd need to pay by doing this but we still have the same amount as "buffer"in our home if we need to pay it back.

I still feel a bit guilty though and will probably book them a week away somewhere nice for a birthday present later in the year.

 

[marg4000]

Speaking as a parent probably not too far from your parents' ages, I would suggest that anything you do in return includes you.

Take them out to dinner etc, they will enjoy the meal but will love your company more.

Our son often gives us vouchers to our favourite (expensive) restaurant as he lives interstate. He was up at Christmas time and decided he and his wife and baby son would TAKE us there. We had the best time ever.
Marg

 

[Peter 14.7]

Thanks for all your replies. I had a chat to my dad a few days ago and as I anticipated, he was very stubborn and adamant about us keeping the gift and seemed a bit hurt by my suggestion that it was excessive. So we accepted it.

We have decided to use it to completely get rid of all our non-deductible debt (excluding PPOR mortgage). Funnily enough, we were going to do this ourselves at the end of this month by getting our PPOR revalued and withdrawing the extra equity out. So now we can avoid the small amount of extra interest we'd need to pay by doing this but we still have the same amount as "buffer"in our home if we need to pay it back.

I still feel a bit guilty though and will probably book them a week away somewhere nice for a birthday present later in the year.

Cimbom.

I sense your frustration.

Let me take a few guesses.

You father control mums, he thinks it is his money.
He never spends on himself and hence, mum, like the holiday she wanted
He dotes on you, you are female?
He perhaps thinks you husband is not a good provider by his standards.
He wants you to love him but also respect him and perhaps above you husband.

Any right?

My FIL was the same.

He was not that generous but my wife, his only child could do no wrong. He gave us 10% of our first home as loan he would never let us repay, but he did not remind us. But he lived in a average rundown house and his wife and never did it up. She suffered. He had older cars. etc.. He thought all money was his money not his wives.

He died and left all to my wife and my MIL had life tenancy of the old crap house. We sold it and bought a new villa for her where we live, we did it up and she loves it.

Prior to death we forced him to buy her a decent new car buy literally saying "buy this car ( he said it was perfect and bargain) and if not, we will buy it and give it to Mum!" It was 2007 model against their old 1973 with no AC or Heater or ABS etc...They needed new car!

My FIL liked me but I was not tradie like him and he thought me a bit weak there. So be it! He was cruel but didn't know it. Age thing.

So you could pay off you PPOR then gift your mum and him, that trip Hawaii with the savings. then he owes you a little, if he does not want to go, let her take a friend! If he says you are being silly, say but you gifted us and as we saved $$$ in interest so here is a little bit $ back?

Regards Peter 14.7