Adoptees & Birth Families

[angela]

We had an unexpected visitor yesterday afternoon, my husband's "big brother" turned up at our front door.
My husband was adopted out as a baby, so was his older brother, and apart from a little digging around at Births Deaths & Marriages a few years ago, hubby had lost interest in finding his birth relatives. So as you can imagine, it knocked us for a six.
He stayed for a few hours, showed some photos - he found their birth mother about 3 weeks ago, as well as a younger brother and sister (whom she raised with her husband)
The mother and younger siblings are flying down from Mackay this Friday, and hubby agreed that he would like to meet them at the airport. He is very laid back, not much fazes him, not even the thought of meeting these people (I on the other hand, am freaking out).
We agreed when asked if we would host a bbq on Friday (this was going to be in a park in Brisbane originally, but the brother thought our place would be good as we are on acreage, and set up pretty well for entertaining).
I want to be supportive of my husband, but after mulling it over a bit, I feel a bit uneasy about all of these "strangers" coming into our home at such short notice, and think it might be better to meet in a neutral place for the first time.
Actually, after initially being surprised and excited about it, today I feel like our privacy has been intruded upon. I think a letter might have been a bit more appropriate for the initial contact.
I don't want to be a wet blanket, and am happy that hubby has the chance to meet his birth relatives, but I am a bit nervous as well.
If anyone here has had an experience like this, or if anyone would like to offer advice, please do, as I'm not sure how I should be feeling about all this, and how to best support him at this confusing time

 

[jaycee]

Ph call / letter / visit.... Perhaps it is just as new and unknown to your husband's brother as it is to your husband and you. I know I'm often uncertain of how to approach some things, and evidence shows that I don't always choose the right way

 

[angela]

oh, it was new for him as well. His hands didn't stop shaking for about half an hour after he introduced himself.
It's just a bit surreal, and weird......

I'm really nervous about the airport, hubby wants me and our daughters to go as well, he is usually so calm and collected, but he has never faced anything like this before.

 

[natmarie73]

Is there any proof this bloke really is your hubby's big brother?

To be honest the first thing that would enter my head is that this person might be a scammer of some sort - but then I am cynical and don't trust anyone I don't know very well.

I would also be concerned as to how he got your address without your permission or knowing about it.

To be safe I would not hold the reunion at your house - even if they are related they are still strangers off the street and might have sticky fingers.

Better safe than sorry.

 

[angela]

I think he is genuine, he knew some of the same facts that hubby had found when he started his brief search. His name was the same as the name of one of the brother's names recorded on something, and he looked the right age. But, how does one tell for sure?
I am all for him meeting with them, but yes, they are strangers and I feel a bit uneasy about a heap of strangers in my home. I think a neutral place would be better also, as there is no guarantee that they will like each other, and we can't just leave when we want to if we are at home.
I have just found this on a website, and think I'll suggest it to hubby.

Where will the meeting be?

It is best to meet at a neutral location such as a coffee shop, not your home or their home. It is important that this be a place where both parties feel comfortable.

 

[Project1080]

Angela,
I think you answered your own question. Even if they are legit, the fact thy've had a different upbringing may not necessarily mean they will like each other. Whilst initially, all may be sweet, once normality settles in, you may discover the grass was greener on the other side. Who knows. By all means meet up (in neutral spot) and see how things go. Hopefully, all works out ok and a whole new life opens up for you and hubby.

Had an uncle pipe up some 35-40 years after he was adopted (Nan never told anyone about no 9 child). Family has seen him once or twice but that's about it. He's upbringing was very different to our family.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it don't. Good Luck with whatever you & hubby decide.

Project 1080

The project: 10 IPs in 80 mths.

 

[josko]

hi Angela.

I was adopted myself. I have 3 brothers and two sisters by adoption.

If I had a long lost brother turn up on my doorstep I would be a bit shocked and certainly, would probably feel like you do.

One of the reasons I have not yet contacted my birth mother is because I do not want to open a can of worms I can't close.

As Project1080809000 says, just because they have the same genes, doesn't mean they will necessarily like each other. I actually have a few issues with my eldest brother (adopted)...just a misled guy..been in jail a few times and he now has a few psychological issues. I don't feel comfortable with him staying at my house with the kids so have not offered for about ten years now.

Go with your gut instinct and look after your family that you love. Never let someone else into your home if you are not comfortable. No matter who they are.

There must be a park near by.

Regards Jo

 

[Pushka]

Adoption is in our family too. I dread someone coming to the front door and announcing themselves without warning. Go to a neutral park somewhere and take things verrrry slowly.

Josko, I am totally hearing you - it is Pandora's box.

 

[angela]

thank you for your replies everyone, my husband rang his brother this morning, and we are now all having a bbq in a park after the initial airport meeting. Also, the brother was going to leave it a surprise for the mother that my husband would be meeting them on Friday. We both agree she should be told, we dont know if she has any medical issues that this kind of "surprise" could cause her to keel over.
I wish we had more notice, so hubby could have had a bit of time to deal with his feelings, but hey that's life.

 

[pennyk]

I found out that my brother was adopted on my 18th birthday...... not a great present.
Funny thing is that he looks nothing like the rest of us, but it had never occured to me before that day.
I found that hard enough to deal with. There was a lot of grief and anger. But also suddenly so much of his personality and emotions made much more sense.

I hope the meeting goes really well, and that its a really positive step for all in your family.

Pen

 

[Pushka]

I found out that my brother was adopted on my 18th birthday...... not a great present.

Ah, that should never have happened. What a shock for you. Did your brother know or was it a bombshell for him too?

 

[pennyk]

Each of us found out on our 18th birthday... or around that time.
My brother found out when he was a teenager, when his birth mothers family tried to contact the family.
I guess my parents are of a generation where people weren't open about adoption.
Pen

 

[josko]

Each of us found out on our 18th birthday... or around that time.
My brother found out when he was a teenager, when his birth mothers family tried to contact the family.
I guess my parents are of a generation where people weren't open about adoption.
Pen

Penny, That is terrible.

What a shock! I remember my parents telling me when I was around 6 or 7. I was a little confused for about 2 minutes, asked a few questions and then moved on.

I can't imagine finding out at 18...and I have dark hair, eyes and skin...I was adopted by English parents so they all have blonde hair and blue eyes!

I don't think it has to do much with your parents generation...my father would have been 74 this year. Your parents made an error in judgement. Some get it right, others don't. It would be a hard call for any parent to know what the right thing to do was.

So do you mean your brother knew for years and was told not to tell you?

Regards JO

 

[josko]

thank you for your replies everyone, my husband rang his brother this morning, and we are now all having a bbq in a park after the initial airport meeting. Also, the brother was going to leave it a surprise for the mother that my husband would be meeting them on Friday. We both agree she should be told, we dont know if she has any medical issues that this kind of "surprise" could cause her to keel over.
I wish we had more notice, so hubby could have had a bit of time to deal with his feelings, but hey that's life.

Excellent, let us know how it goes. i Agree that a suprise might end up being a shock if not handled correctly!

Enjoy your BBQ.

Regards JO

 

[Peter 14.7]

Dear Angela

I am adopted and contacted my birth mother for medical at 40. All is well. I am not screwed up and always knew. She feels guilty and was/is still shocked I am ok. We have an active relationship and close friendship. But she is not my mum in my eyes which I know hurts her.

Your situation...

The brother did the wrong thing! Contact should be slow and measured. Simple form letter first, then personal letter with photos, then calls, then visit. We took two months before we met but had I given her my address upfront, she would have called. However that horse has bolted. The park is great: neutral ground. We met at Airport. Have the details of consellors on hand and pass them on even if all are "ok".

To me this is CRITICAL Son and Birth Mother must met privately at first away form everyone else.

TV show "find my Family" has stuffed it up. Do we ever see a bad one? How can your husband his birth mum be honest when everyone is watching being "nice". My sister' (also adopted) husband rushed hers ( against her real wishes) and the outcome was rejection.

On the up side.....

Meeting my birth mother has added to my life but more importantly to my daughter's life. She is still fragile and confides in my wife more than me her fears "I must secretly hate her". I dont. I always knew I was adopted and was smart enough to work out why (she was 17 and unmarried).

Family MUST take second place to the mother/son. They should sit away and let them talk. Even if your hubbie is good she may be not. Expect tears.

Best advice, TAKE IT SLOW! even if all are "good". Why? My half brother was "good' We called and emailed but when we met he left early and freaked out. He has since disowned his mum and dad citing me as the reason as a "money grubber". He does not contact them any more. His claim is rubbish as they have little and to quote my birth mum "peter could buy and sell us 5 times". His real issue is I am older brother, successful , happily married to a "glamour" ( his words not mine although she is), professional businessman. He has bummed about, owns nothing and with no direction. I make him realise such a failure he is and now Birth Mum has a measure, he knows she notices it as well.

So all is not great but we survived, take it slow or it could go bad.

Good Luck, Peter

 

[Pushka]

To me this is CRITICAL Son and Birth Mother must met privately at first away form everyone else.

TV show "find my Family" has stuffed it up. Do we ever see a bad one? How can your husband his birth mum be honest when everyone is watching being "nice". My sister' (also adopted) husband rushed hers ( against her real wishes) and the outcome was rejection.

This is all excellent advice Peter. Obviously. I hate hate hate that TV program. I think it is dangerous. And now I see Channel 9 are doing their version. My whole family refuse to watch it, it is exploitation at its very very worst.

It seems adoption has touched a great number of us.

 

[Peter 14.7]

By fluk, I watched it in full for the first time last night and saw my example ( woman all ok and mum ok) meet in Park. The ohter was BBQ and all tears and lots of nervous looks.

My main beef is the assumption all Adoptee are scarred, screwed up, losers. The vast majority are OK. To me being adopted is like being white or tall or male. I simply am.

My wife had concerns as did my mum. People forget the family members also have to cope. Stigmas and shame still abounds for birth mums.

The biggest thing for us is my birth mum wants a closer relationship but I am not a needy person. I am strong, independant and never relied on others. My mum made me that way and she understands. My birth mum is needy and wishs I was the same. Hence she is closer to my wife and when I am grumpy takes it personal. It is just because I am grumpy.

Peter

 

[Pushka]

The biggest thing for us is my birth mum wants a closer relationship but I am not a needy person. I am strong, independant and never relied on others. My mum made me that way and she understands. My birth mum is needy and wishs I was the same. Hence she is closer to my wife and when I am grumpy takes it personal. It is just because I am grumpy.

Peter

Yes, that is my concern too - two people with totally different needs from the relationship.

When I went to a school reunion a few years ago, I sat with two of my girlfriends. We had the adoption triangle. My best friend was an adopted child (we always knew that growing up); I had adopted a child, and the other girlfriend had relinquished a child just after we all left school. That was a shock to us. Her (relinquished) daughter was about to turn 18 and so my friend would be allowed access to her details. She said that she was going to do all the things that she would have done had she not relinquished her - buy her toys and stuff, and 'be a mother' to her.

My adopted friend and I looked on in horror! She did not understand that most likely her relinquished daughter had a Mum, a great childhood, and was now an 18 year old and was everything that 18 year olds are - feisty, independent, and know it all! Yet she still saw her relinquished daughter as a baby.

 

[Peter 14.7]

My birth mother wanted a baby too. By coincidence wife gave birth to Daughter and she has filled that void. I am 43. I dont need mothering. One things, meeting later than at 18 is much better IMO. At 18 you are too green. She woulded wanted to discipline me for mistakes, etc... Even now she thinks I am tough on my wife being a feminist. I am not tough but we have ahonest equal relationship so we speak our mind.

Again, I am better for meeting her but there are hurdles to jump. I really like her husband. We are more comfortable with each other more then her and I.

Peter

 

[josko]

Yes, that is my concern too - two people with totally different needs from the relationship.

When I went to a school reunion a few years ago, I sat with two of my girlfriends. We had the adoption triangle. My best friend was an adopted child (we always knew that growing up); I had adopted a child, and the other girlfriend had relinquished a child just after we all left school. That was a shock to us. Her (relinquished) daughter was about to turn 18 and so my friend would be allowed access to her details. She said that she was going to do all the things that she would have done had she not relinquished her - buy her toys and stuff, and 'be a mother' to her.

My adopted friend and I looked on in horror! She did not understand that most likely her relinquished daughter had a Mum, a great childhood, and was now an 18 year old and was everything that 18 year olds are - feisty, independent, and know it all! Yet she still saw her relinquished daughter as a baby.

That is really interesting Pushka and thanks for the fill in Peter.

I get cranky when you let people know you are adopted and they sort of look at you side ways as if to say, "Oh you poor thing." You can just see their little minds ticking trying to attribute certain characteristics you have, to being adopted. They look to adopted children as having some sort of abandonment issues.

I think I mentioned I have two sisters. One other is also adopted. I have nothing to do with her and part of her problem is that she has those exact issues. She is the cliche adopted child Peter talks about. So we have a family with two adopted children and four birth children.
I could write a book on us!

Pushka, I have often thought of adopting a child myself.

Regards JO