Negative influences from a partner

[littlevixen]

I thought I'd ask if anybody else has experienced negativity from their other half (boyfriend/fiance/husband)?

My fiance says I work too much, gets angry with the amount of work I do, gets upset when I cancel our dinner plans sometimes due to work, calls me a nerd because I read a lot of financial and investment forums and textbooks, doesn't share a common interest in investing until recently. He had his funds in a bank savings account earning 0.01% return pa. for about 3 years. I tried to help him (upon reading other posts in this forum, I realise that was bad of me) . But if we marry, will that cause even more arguments and problems with our goals being so different? Most of his friends are similar in habits...they gamble, drink a lot, aren't really motivated and they don't have any investment goals. It gets a bit frustrating sometimes how he doesn't show much interest in these matters that I find rather important for me. I've read that a lot of couples fight over finance, but does this mean that we're not compatible or should I patiently wait for him. He has started to be interested in the sharemarkets, but plunges in without any background despite my advice to sort out a strategy first. He's lost quite a few thousand dollars and is still not interested in analysing why. Right now, I'm at the point where I am wondering whether I am better off alone pursuing my dreams without that nagging, negative influence by myside or will he eventually change if I am patient and take it slow with him. I guess relationships all reach that point where reality crashes in

 

[Bandita]

Hi littlevixen,

I'm sure many members on this forum can sympathise with you!! I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, with my fiance having absolutely no interest what soever in investing, and certainly didn't believe in having any debt. I would babble onto him about all these books I was reading, the forums, all that, he could care less. Than Robert Kiyosaki was coming into town, and I signed the two of us up to go to his seminar in Melbourne. I told him he was coming as a present for me - so he reluctantly got dragged along - and I mean VERY reluctantly (but it was my present, so he had to come )

That changed absolutely everything. My fiance hates reading books, doesn't visit the forum, but seeing some old guy up there putting it all down in really simple terms made alot of sense to him. Plus he was hating his tax bill and the whole idea of getting tax back from a govt he didn't like anyways was quite appealing to him. Within a year we bought our first IP, and less than 2 years later we are a whopping $465,000 in debt - But all good debt, with plenty of great assets behind it, plenty of equity, and we don't worry about it for one second.

So it very well may be that your fiance doesn't learn they same way you do. I chose the Robert Kiyosaki seminar to drag Geoff too, because I knew he could explain things in a very simple and understandable way in order to get that "A-HAH" moment I knew I would need him to get, if I was going to get us really started in investing. I still do all the research, and pretty much everything that's involved in our investing, because I absolutely love it, but Geoff supports me 100% of the way and is in the exact same mindframe as myself. He knows where we're headed, and can't wait to get there!

Good luck!

Jen

 

[Jimmyjamjars]

Hi LV,
Jokingly, I would say "ditch the loser", but seriously though, if you look through the forum at past posts on threads with this underlying topic, you will find that there are MANY partnerships where one half does all the research, open houses, calls, offers etc and the other is happy to sit back and do his/her own thing. I DO find it a bit of a worry though that he is still so cocky to plunge in repeatedly after losing money from doing NO due diligence whatsoever. Maybe get him to read Jan's book Story by Story in installments. Each story is only a few pages long so his attention span won't wander, and he'll see that a bit of research and sacrifice pays off big time. And welcome to the forum, hope to see your valuable contributions as your investment journey prospers.
JIM

 

[Pablo]

Littlevixen,

How about bribing him to read a couple books etc. and hopefully get him interested.

Have you talked to him about whats going to happen when you are married and your finances are tied together, will he forgo the big screen tv so you can invest your money? or will he fight you for every $?

I'm with him about working to much though surely you've got better things to do with your time.

Cheers Pablo.

 

[Fish]

Hi LV,

Must agree, that would frustrate me no ends...which is why investing alone is great...but slower. If you're not sharing similar ideals in terms of the major issues - children, investing strategy and how to get ahead...then it 'may' be a bumpy road.

Question I suppose - how close are the two of you. If you're going to hold on to the r'ship...then perhaps take him along to a low-cost / free seminar from those on the forum or from outside with good reputation - so that he can 'feel' the potential of property...rather than rely on him reading in order to get hooked.

Perhaps take him along to a Sydney meeting of forum members?
I sat in on a Metropole meeting in Melb recently. I didn't need any convincing about property...but it was inspirational.

Cheers
Fish

 

[Bargain Hunter]

Hi LV,

I'm the other partner that Jimmy refers to , however I have never been negative or hositle, I've just not been that involved. Now people on the forum who have read any of our posts (mine or skater) will realise that this hasn't been an impendiment to our investing success, in fact I sometimes get very excited about pruchasing property and renovating.

Put simply my forte is not in the organising of finance it is in the practical side of investing, practical as in the hands on matters. Between us we have a great investing partnership.

I have gone from not caring to being involved, that is very different from what you describe, however with a bit of work you may be able to turn your fiance around. If you can't you may need to seriously consider your future together, and look at what other goals you share.

Regards

Andrew

 

[Aceyducey]

Littlevixen,

How serious are you about this guy - and how serious is he about you?

What do you have in common, and how important is this to you?

Would you give up your career and investment aspirations to be with him?

Do you have any fear of being alone (single)?

If this was your life partner then I'd suggest being patient and trying to expose them to different ways to learn. If none of these clicked, then at minimum you'd need their acceptance to pursue your own (investment and career) aspirations within the relationship - allowing them to also pursue their aspirations - but such that neither of you unfairly burdens the other.

But this is only a boyfriend - and he's surrounded by 'bad' (investment) influences (who presumably he feels he has a lot in common with - maybe more than he has with you).

It's great to say to ourselves that we can change our partners to 'fix' the bits we don't like, but in my experience this seldom works as planned. More important is to accept and tolerate the differences and relish them as part of what makes the other person special (although probably annoying at times).

Ultimately you cannot make a choice to change someone else - they have to choose to change. All you can do is make your own choices, to accept them as they are, and to change yourself, potentially compromising or sacrificing some of your own aspirations to be with them.

You need to decide if your relationship with him is important enough for you to do this.

And you also need to consider if, by his actions, he is stating that he's not prepared to do the same, to sacrifice or compromise his aspirations to be with you (that's where mutual commitment comes in).

If these are unlikely, perhaps you to consider the old stock market adage, cut your losses (and let your winnings run).

But try to enjoy the ride, however long it lasts.

Cheers,

Aunty Aceyducey

 

[warrioress]

I was kind of in a similar situation where my boyfriend does not read, and has a short attention span, so books are out. But, he's about to settle on his first IP, so we're slowly getting there.

One tip that helped me - and it wasn't just with my boyfriend - but also with family members (I live at home) and friends, was to keep my investing books all over the place. Especially ones with catchy titles like Spann's

'How to build a $10 million dollar property portfolio in 10 years'.

I constantly get comments about it, especially when I tell everyone by year 3, the author was a millionaire. Most people are genuinely interested.

My boyfriend constantly goes on about how one day he wants to buy a Harley, but knows that this is not going to happen soon. So I always point out, if he puts that dream on hold, gets real, and starts investing, he can have that and so much more in the future.

Good luck - only you will know whether he's worth it...

 

[The Y-man]

He has started to be interested in the sharemarkets, but plunges in without any background despite my advice to sort out a strategy first. He's lost quite a few thousand dollars and is still not interested in analysing why.

Well.... that's a start - get all you losses out the way at the start. It's better than not doing anything - and he probably does have a strategy - it's just that it may not be the correct one, that's all. Maybe a couple of books (or even mags) regarding shares (seeing as he might be interested) left surreptitiously around?

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[lizzie]

my hubby was never (and still isn't) really interested in the real estate that i do ... but, once he has had the "worst case" explained to him, and it means we won't lose everything , then he quietly steps aside for me to do my work and he is supportive in the wings.

that is a biggie - your finance may not be interested, and that's okay, but i would be worried if he wasn't supportive. and even more worried if he was obviously negative or causing obstacles. perhaps you have matured to the next level and he hasn't. that is only something you can decide.

always remember that in relationships - especially when young - both of you grow and mature. if you grow in the same direction, great, but if you grow apart that is also normal ... but may mean the relationship has run it course. again, something only you can decide.

either way, don't stay just because of your history - stay only because of your future. in a true loving partnership each party should never conciously do anything that hurts or belittles the other.

 

[TheCamel]

the only 'negative' influence i get from my girlfriend is "but it cuold go wrong.. it could not work the way you expect and you could lose everything"

apart from that, she just listens politely when i blather on about crap.mainly cause i tihnk she knows that i don't know enough and i'm not ready to actually do it yet.

 

[kissfan]

Hi Littlevixen.

It's VERY HARD to try and convince someone they should be start to invest or at least look to their future, and that includes trying to convince partners, family members, friends etc.

I would try and start slow and build from there. Maybe get him to look at this forum (not this thread, lol) at the occasional thread that you think may interest him. It may be a chapter from one of your favourite books, or a free seminar or the likes.

As mentioned before, it doesn't have to be that both partners are active in investing (but it sure helps). I know my wife gets bored very easily when I start rambling on.

Just keep trying to learn as much as you can and hopefully it will rub off, but if it doesn't, keep striving ahead anyway. As I said, it's hard to try and help someone until they are ready to HEAR you.

Regards
Marty

 

[The Y-man]

the only 'negative' influence i get from my girlfriend is "but it cuold go wrong.. it could not work the way you expect and you could lose everything".....

....in which the worst case scenario is that you become a beach bum in Byron Bay, living off welfare (and the occasional sale of certain plants), and surfing all day long. Granted not the most comfortable living, but it sure beats some other parts of the world.

At the end of the day, you'll still be employable, you'd have learnt heaps, and you'd be no worse off than people who just kept working and spent their earnings. Granted, you'd have given up some holidays or nights out - but overall, not really worse off.

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[Nicholas H]

Most of his friends are similar in habits...they gamble, drink a lot, aren't really motivated and they don't have any investment goals.

Unless his view of the world changes, then he will carry on the same. He will follow the patten of his friends which you mentioned. You can not change him, he can only change him self. What motivates him, what does he like. If there is away of associating these things with what you want to achieve then there is a way to grow together. Could you love him and be with him if he does not change?

Sorry for all the questions

 

[Justkate]

Hi Littlevixen,

I do not agree that for a r’ship to work that two people have to have the exact same goals in life, either financially or otherwise. I think the main thing is that you both respect & support each others choices, even if at times you sit there and think what the flock is he doing that for. You can still achieve and do what you want and attain your goals and maybe have a joint a/c where you both put x amount of money into and then have your own separate acounts which is your IP and his share market etc a/c.

I think a lot of people have this misconception that you have to have totally similar goals etc in life and I think that’s crock. I believe that sometimes it’s the differences between two people that sustain a r’ship. How utterly boring would it be if you both just loved all the same things and agreed on everything, me personally I’d be bored in no time. I think as long as you have a few things in common and the want to make this relationship succeed then it can.

Before I talked him into going to any seminars with you or giving him books on investing to read, I’d be asking him to join you in a Relationships Australia pre-marriage class or something similiar before you get married and if he scoffs at that idea I'd be going by myself. I think communication and feeling as if you are being heard & understood, even if your opinions/thoughts are different is the key to any r’ship working.

Just my thoughts and I do hope you try and resolve these issues and not just don't bail because its got too hard

Kate

 

[bundy1964]

I have been down the negative partner path and it's not a nice walk. Accepting, supportave or active are much better choices and trying to change people if they don't want to be changed is a pointless exercise.

 

[littlevixen]

Thanks for all your thoughtful contributions

We were friends at Uni and started dating in 2002. Back then as a student, I was very different, went out clubbing, shopping and socialising a lot. In 2003 when I started full time work, I must confess, I started working and reading a lot (until 2 or 3am even), but I also have a very active social life. He wants us to spend more time together to 'talk' about things but it's not in my nature to discuss and gossip about people. I would prefer a good discussion about investment ideas...I know that sounds quite narrowminded but currently, that's the only thing that really fascinates me. He buys a lot of the books mentioned in this forum but just doesn't read them. I've mentioned a few forums for him to read but again...he doesn't read them. Says he's too tired after work or otherwise prefers to watch sport on tv

It would be great if we could learn and invest together but it's been a really long road getting him to be interested.

His friends are very different from my friends... I think he's torn between the world of his friends (liverpool,cabramatta, canley vale, etc) and how my friends behave (he calls them nerdy, ambitious, freaks).

He's mentioned to me that he wants to invest and be financially independent but he doesn't seem to invest any time in trying to learn and achieve those goals. It gets a bit tiring having to explain things to him over these past 4 years. I got quite excited when he started asking me about what I read, but that's as far as it ever went. I'm 25 and he's 26 so I don't know how much *longer* to give him until he realises that I'm not going to be that same Uni girl he started dating 4 yrs ago.

"Would you give up your career and investment aspirations to be with him?" ...no I couldn't. I just know I won't be happy if I give up my aspirations. I don't know if I should mention this...but here goes...his eyes 'glazes' over when I mention anything to do with properties/finance/investing...does this mean he's interested but that I 'ramble' on too much about it So most of the time...I just give up discussing the topic with him and we just talk about general stuff.

I wouldn't mind him not being interested. It's just that he gets annoyed when I tell him I've got to do some reading (for myself) or some study (my post grad studies) and he gets angry that I can't spend the entire weekend with him.

Ok, guess I've written enough. Thanks for your contributions.

 

[duncan_m]

He wants us to spend more time together to 'talk' about things

He might be Gay.. so you possibly have other issues to deal with as well

 

[The Y-man]

He's mentioned to me that he wants to invest and be financially independent but he doesn't seem to invest any time in trying to learn and achieve those goals.

Well, at least he's interested

Investing doesn't have to take too much time - a managed fund or commercial property trust can be a pretty simple "set and forget" for busy people. One of the reasons I directed my sister to a managed fund instead of a property recently was because she was too busy with her work to spend time on her investments - so she wanted automation even if it meant losing some performance.

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[Nicholas H]

His friends are very different from my friends... I think he's torn between the world of his friends (liverpool,cabramatta, canley vale, etc) and how my friends behave (he calls them nerdy, ambitious, freaks).

If he has negative feelings to the way your friends behave as suggested above. It is going to be very hard for him to act that way him self. He will most likely feel like his friends would treat him the same if he was interested. Most people do not want to get ahead, they want to fit in.

Unless there is something that changes his view of the world, from what you describe I doubt he will change.

To a certain extent it sounds like he is far from mature and enjoys life as is and does not care about the future. Actually that is most of society. You do not need to be the same to make a good relationship, but you very much need to care and support the other person.

Maybe talk about what you see in the future, like get to vision what is happening 10 years from now, is he just still going to be working and watching the tv, or has he done something. What is your life going to look 10 years out from now, are you going to be married, have kids, have 10 properties. Is there a shared vision of the direction your both taking in life.