Qantas Pilots - Gripe Sheet

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PrimeCommercial

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humour. The following are said to be actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is still the only major airline that has
never had an fatal accident ... Enjoy!


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
 
I saw this a little while ago, but there are new unprofessional items to this list now:

P: Luggage doesn't seem to be securely loaded in plane.
S: Well I think they are gonna sack me, so i don't give a $#it anymore.

P: Medium sixed hole on side of plane.
S: I just got sacked so now i really don't give a $#it.
 
The Charitible landlord

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, a woman well-known for her charitable impulses.

“Madam,” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.”

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
 
Does anyone know what IFF is?

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


It is Identification Friend or Foe. I hope none of you have flown QANTAS where there have been hostile fighters sharing your skies. :D
 
Civilian aircraft have Secondary Surveillance Radar (SSR) transponders, which correspond to mode 3 of military IFF. :) Suspect the pilot was ex-military - as many of them are! - and got his terminology confused.
 
Not that believe everything I read in the paper, but yesterday the Daily Tele said that the Qantas pilot that landing the 747-400 that had a panel blown off from an exploding oxygen bottle had to land the aircraft in Kuala Lumpur without the aid of ILS.
 
ozperp said:
Civilian aircraft have Secondary Surveillance Radar (SSR) transponders,
Click to expand...

So if the aircraft loses power to all but critical systems (battery back-up only) they become invisible to ground control. :( But you are correct that IFF was a transponder.
 
shady said:
Not that believe everything I read in the paper, but yesterday the Daily Tele said that the Qantas pilot that landing the 747-400 that had a panel blown off from an exploding oxygen bottle had to land the aircraft in Kuala Lumpur without the aid of ILS.
Click to expand...

I'm a '60s '70s radio/radar guy (they just called us mechanics then) and I'm aware there is no similarity between then and now. I do know that both IFF and ILS never were reliable in a military environment. No civilian a/c would have had an "IFF switch" and the last dedicated "ILS" system was probably un-installed before you were born.
 
Sunfish,
As far as I have always believed, ILS is very much alive and well in civilian passenger aircraft today.
Can you clarify what you mean by a 'dedicated' ILS?
Cheers
Amy
 
I've done a bit of a google Amy and haven't found what I'm looking for re ILS.

I don't remember any aircraft I worked on having it fitted so I'm stuck with "notes" in my memory from way back then. :)

When I speak of a "dedicated" system I mean a single purpose "black box". The system relied (I think) on a CW beacon which allowed homing (azmith) combined with glide-path data. DEFINITELY not good enough to allow a pilot to go very low before going visual. (Not a pilot so don't know the limits).

IFF was a transponder which gave a coded echo to "friendly" air/air radar (similar to what you see today) but I assume ECM could exploit this so it only had a short operational life.

To digress, The allies turned the tide against the U boats in the Atlantic when the boffins developed the "magnetron" (my personal all-time favourite invention) and could mount radar on their long-range bombers and spot the U boats on the surface at night, recharging their batteries. In response the Germans installed a simple receiver which they mounted the moment they surfaced. Sadly, they used a "reflex" receiver which radiates it's own LO frequency back up the antenna. The result was that the RAF no longer needed radar, they just homed on the transmitted signal. :(

First instance of ECM I know of. :D

Edit: All this used valves or "stem driven electronics". LOL
 
Sunfish said:
I don't remember any aircraft I worked on having it fitted so I'm stuck with "notes" in my memory from way back then. :)

When I speak of a "dedicated" system I mean a single purpose "black box". The system relied (I think) on a CW beacon which allowed homing (azmith) combined with glide-path data. DEFINITELY not good enough to allow a pilot to go very low before going visual. (Not a pilot so don't know the limits).
Click to expand...
Sunfish, I think you're thinking of VOR/DME for old-fashioned instrument landings. That's not ILS; ILS is much newer, more precise, much higher-tech, and definitely very much in use. It consists of some equipment in the aircraft, but even moreso, on very sophisticated and precise equipment at the airport, allowing aircraft to be guided all the way to landing in zero vis.
Sunfish said:
IFF was a transponder which gave a coded echo to "friendly" air/air radar (similar to what you see today) but I assume ECM could exploit this so it only had a short operational life.
Click to expand...
Sunfish, SSR is definitely still in use in the civilian world, and IFF in the military world! In fact, the civilians only use SSR, and not a standard radar as we military types would understand it (ie passive). Yes, IFF/SSR does require emitting, so does give away your location. SSR has a number of modes, but only mode 3 is used by the civvies. Mode 1 - don't think I've used, can't remember what it's for. Mode 2 - unencrypted 2 digit code usually used to indicate mission type. Mode 3 - unencrypted 4 digit code identifying the aircraft or flight number (this is exactly the same as civilian SSR). Mode 4 - encrypted identification feature, military only, allowing distinction between friend and foe. Really, mode 4 is the only "true IFF"; the other modes are types of SSR, but in the military context we usually refer to all modes as IFF.

I hear where you're coming from; there was a time when the emphasis was on "covert", and IFF wasn't used and was thought to be old-fashioned. Let's say that the benefit of accurate identification is currently viewed as being more important than being covert, and IFF experienced a comeback. This largely has to do with the political undesirability of fratricide, eg the two Blackhawks shot down in the first Gulf war.

In any theatre where the Americans are operating, I'd like the IFF on - more risk of getting shot by them than from the enemy, I reckon! ;) In Iraq, all the tanks, choppers etc are all using IFF. The only ones who might not would be planned stealth bombing missions over hostile territory, such as those conducted in the early stages of the Iraq conflict.

PS Yes, Blue Card, I know it was a joke, but we ex-military types particularly love to spin a yarn...
 
ozperp said:
PS Yes, Blue Card, I know it was a joke, but we ex-military types particularly love to spin a yarn...
Click to expand...

I think Amy was ex-military too, at least I replied with that in mind.

My original post was merely an attempt the defend the indefensible: QANTAS. These, and other "stories" are merely a collection from varied sources over the years and I suspect mainly US military. Another dead givaway that it wasn't Q is the one about an engine missing..... Only piston engines "miss" and Q has not operated them for over 50 years.

So BC is right: It is only a joke, and one I enjoy more'n most having been in the industry. Sorry about being pedantic.

BTW That big fan in front of aircraft is just there to keep the pilot cool. They sure sweat when it stops. Boom. Boom.
 
It's "interesting" to see the airplane with the most fantastic record and history of safety.... ALL OF A SUDDEN have 4 different issues in regards to their planes.


It's even more interesting to note the engineers requested a payrise not so long ago and stated they would do all they can to achieve it...and NOW... well, 1+1=2. :rolleyes:
 
Sunfish said:
My original post was merely an attempt the defend the indefensible: QANTAS. These, and other "stories" are merely a collection from varied sources over the years and I suspect mainly US military.
Click to expand...

Mostly military in origin. http://safetycenter.navy.mil/media/approach/issues/mar02/pdf/appmar02.pdf Page 13. I found an earlier copy from 1999 in Approach magazine but the link is dead. Some funny stories about 'human factors' mishaps and such. Some of the stories are just like forum. Pilots tell what they did wrong and what the did right through their careers as Wing-wipers and navi-guessers.
 
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