Dementia
- Thread starter JASA
- Start date
My dad has advanced alzheimers. I understand how you feel. Every time I walk into a room and forget what I went in for, I wonder...
My parents worked so hard to build up an asset base but forgot to start spending it on themselves. Mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour and went within a week from lively, vivacious and "young" at 72 to not being able to string three words together and passed away three months later. Dad had to go to a nursing home, but he doesn't know where he is. At least he is cared for beautifully and is seemingly content. But it is sad.
So, we plan on doing what we want, when we want and to hell with the kids' inheritance. They'll get enough no matter what we spend.
My parents worked so hard to build up an asset base but forgot to start spending it on themselves. Mum was diagnosed with a brain tumour and went within a week from lively, vivacious and "young" at 72 to not being able to string three words together and passed away three months later. Dad had to go to a nursing home, but he doesn't know where he is. At least he is cared for beautifully and is seemingly content. But it is sad.
So, we plan on doing what we want, when we want and to hell with the kids' inheritance. They'll get enough no matter what we spend.
Wylie thanks for responding, have to admit to a brandy or two before I posted this thread. It's always just below the surface. My Dad was the typical genius type and my hero. An engineer/ astronomer/historian and horticulturist.....struck down at age 65 and now at 70 in end stage dementia. It is more than sad it is tragic and so unfair. Why? I too am now reconsidering my children's inheritance. We can give them so much more than monetary wealth.
Dementia is a cruel disease and at 60 I often wonder if I should have just enjoyed it more but you can't live your life on probabilities....
Bob
I probably should have said something stronger than "sad". I agree it is tragic. When I visit him I cry all the way home, for him, for my mother and after having to hold it together for the visit whilst Dad asks over and over "How's Mum?". I tell him "she's fine" over and over, get outside and the tears start.
It IS tragic, but he is comfortable, well cared for and content. I hope we have enough to be able to be looked after in such a fantastic nursing home. Some of the others I have seen are not as nice, so having enough to fund such a place should we make it to the stage of needing one is paramount to me.
Anything over and above that is "gravy"... and I don't strive to get more, and earn more nearly as much as I could because all the wealth in the world will not help with one bad diagnosis.
I have "good genes". Only a few "wimps" in my family haven't reached their late eighties, so I have seen my share of "old timers" because there were a number of aged rellies.
So I agree with the earlier posts But: Your body is also fragile. I have a nest-egg o/s that could fund an absolute blast of a long holiday for Mrs Fish and myself. I doubt I will get to spend it. No reason to believe I won't be here in ten years still annoying you bulls, but I will still be here. Maybe even the same chair.
Smell the roses while they still bloom.
So I agree with the earlier posts But: Your body is also fragile. I have a nest-egg o/s that could fund an absolute blast of a long holiday for Mrs Fish and myself. I doubt I will get to spend it. No reason to believe I won't be here in ten years still annoying you bulls, but I will still be here. Maybe even the same chair.
Smell the roses while they still bloom.
can i relate: yes totally for personal reasons (not direct to dementia, but because of other disabilities within the family).
At the end of the day, you are who you are. In his wisdom god (and here i mean god in the greater sense, not a christian god) created us, and he created us with different goals and objectives.
We dont know what lies beyond, we only know that we have a shot at this thing called 'life'.
I have a general principle:
if i was to be run over by a bus tomorrow, could i look from above and say my life may have been cut short, but did i do the things that were important to me, would i have done differently (without the knowledge of my death).
At the end of the day you have to ask yourself this:
Did the person suffering from dementia live a full life (it is not our knowledge to know the way that god chooses people to live this life and EXIT THIS LIFE). If not why? The important part of the 'why?' is not the success/failure of the other person, but the the importance of yourself to live according to your own beliefs/life goal.
I strongly suggest you watch the movie
Meet Joe Black.
And as a final point i would ask you to question why the love affair with your passion for realestate (not from a moral point of view, but why????). There is no right and wrong answer to this question, only a right/wrong answer for you personally.
My relationship with god has been damaged irreparably by what he has done to my father....... I have watched the movie ...meet joe black or bleach or whatever and have not derived any comfort or knowledge or comfort from it..........your point is .........??
As my father said.........and I agree 100%......give me the greatest agony but please do not take my mind..........**** god!
As my father said.........and I agree 100%......give me the greatest agony but please do not take my mind..........**** god!
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Personally i have my own personal point from it, and from other things as one progresses through this 'tansitional point called life'.
It is not for us to choose the individual pathway of god, including that of the mind.
JASA
That statement could not be further from the truth.
I can assure you losing your mind would be a pleasure, should you suffer agony long enough, you’ll be screaming that they take your mind.
you idiot..........obviously no experience of dementia at all
idiot
I have worked with dementia and alzheimer's do you think that cerebral demise means that you escape physical agony..........do not fool yourselves.....it does not!
I have worked with dementia and alzheimer's do you think that cerebral demise means that you escape physical agony..........do not fool yourselves.....it does not!
I must have read you wrong but this:
didn't show much empathy for those joining with you, to me at least.
I don't think I have a monopoly at all......am sure there are many who are suffering as I am......that is the point of this post...I want to know that I am not alone!
my mum died earlier this year after battling with dementia for several years. to be blunt, it was hell. I wish I could offer a more positive story, but there was very little positive about the experience. She went from being a vivacious party loving woman, who was passionate about family, to being a fearful, empty shell. It was a horrible experience. I was afraid she was going to live for many more years, cause she was physically as strong as an ox. Fortunately, she had a very bad fall and passed away from a brain bleed a week or so later. While I miss her, death was a tremendous relief. I have a strong belief in God, and she also had a very practical faith, and I believe she's in a better place.
I'm really fortunate that i have a big family, so we could share the load. Even once she was in a nursing home, there was a lot to do. I found that I could only see her for 10-15 minutes at a time. So, I just did what I could do and what I could manage emotionally. It would have been much harder to manage wtihout my siblings being around.
we had the same situation as wylie where mum didnt realise dad had died. We tried to correct her early on, but it wasnt worth it... we just let her believe he was still around.
I'm not sure that I can offer much advice or consolation. If you did have a faith in God before, I'd encourage you to try to find that again.... it helps to have something beyond yourself to hold onto, and a faith community who can support you in practical and emotional ways. Also, bitterness is a destructive emotion, even when its directed towards God. you have to find some way to forgive/ release the anger,.. otherwise it will chew you up.
its a marathon... so make sure you take time out for refreshment/ renewing yourself. and get help from whoever you can!
and try to actively remember things about their life prior to dementia. One of the really lovely things about mum's funeral was remembering her pre-dementia life. Its easy to get caught up in what they are like now, and forget all the good times. We also tried to remind our kids of what she used to be like, cause they got kind of scared to visit her. which was really sad, because she was everyone's favourite before she deteriorated. She had a real gift with teenagers, particularly teenage boys. She was able to connect with them, and get "onside" with them.. they always felt comfortable to just pop in and have a chat. She was a good woman.
So, hang in there. Unfortunately, it probably will get worse. So you need to get the supports around you that you need.
I'm really fortunate that i have a big family, so we could share the load. Even once she was in a nursing home, there was a lot to do. I found that I could only see her for 10-15 minutes at a time. So, I just did what I could do and what I could manage emotionally. It would have been much harder to manage wtihout my siblings being around.
we had the same situation as wylie where mum didnt realise dad had died. We tried to correct her early on, but it wasnt worth it... we just let her believe he was still around.
I'm not sure that I can offer much advice or consolation. If you did have a faith in God before, I'd encourage you to try to find that again.... it helps to have something beyond yourself to hold onto, and a faith community who can support you in practical and emotional ways. Also, bitterness is a destructive emotion, even when its directed towards God. you have to find some way to forgive/ release the anger,.. otherwise it will chew you up.
its a marathon... so make sure you take time out for refreshment/ renewing yourself. and get help from whoever you can!
and try to actively remember things about their life prior to dementia. One of the really lovely things about mum's funeral was remembering her pre-dementia life. Its easy to get caught up in what they are like now, and forget all the good times. We also tried to remind our kids of what she used to be like, cause they got kind of scared to visit her. which was really sad, because she was everyone's favourite before she deteriorated. She had a real gift with teenagers, particularly teenage boys. She was able to connect with them, and get "onside" with them.. they always felt comfortable to just pop in and have a chat. She was a good woman.
So, hang in there. Unfortunately, it probably will get worse. So you need to get the supports around you that you need.
My mother is 81 and has a form of dementia. I think it started with a series of small stokes.She doesn't have alzheimers. I am lucky that my older brother and his partner have become responsible for her.
When I visit, and it isn't often, she asks the same questions over and over.I answer with the same tone, as if it was the first time she asked. Sometimes she will say "I already asked you that, didn't I?". Her questions or actions aren't inappropriate, just getting forgetful. Sometimes she gets worried, and will cry, and says she hopes I never go thru this. We just try to reassure her it is a natural part of aging. All of her long time friends are dead, which doesn't help.
The hardest part for her, is having macular degeneration of the eyes.She can longer read, or do her hobbies. Having her memory fade may be best...I wish she would forget she smokes. Her biggest fear is going to a nursing home. We have promised her that as long as she has her mind, and is aware, we will do our best to keep her at home.
Her parents were both in their mid 90's when they died, with forms of dementia...so whenever I start forgetting things, I wonder too
My mother's personality has changed, and not for the better. She wouldn't like the person she has become. Seeing her this way, is like viewing someone I really don't know. I am not upset when I leave from visiting..it is more of a dread of going there. She will not remember the next day I was even there.
As for leaving the kids an inheritance..yes there will be some..but hoping more to get them prepared for their own retirement.
Depending on the stage or type of dementia, it may be harder on the family members, than the patient.
I take comfort in that.
When I visit, and it isn't often, she asks the same questions over and over.I answer with the same tone, as if it was the first time she asked. Sometimes she will say "I already asked you that, didn't I?". Her questions or actions aren't inappropriate, just getting forgetful. Sometimes she gets worried, and will cry, and says she hopes I never go thru this. We just try to reassure her it is a natural part of aging. All of her long time friends are dead, which doesn't help.
The hardest part for her, is having macular degeneration of the eyes.She can longer read, or do her hobbies. Having her memory fade may be best...I wish she would forget she smokes. Her biggest fear is going to a nursing home. We have promised her that as long as she has her mind, and is aware, we will do our best to keep her at home.
Her parents were both in their mid 90's when they died, with forms of dementia...so whenever I start forgetting things, I wonder too
My mother's personality has changed, and not for the better. She wouldn't like the person she has become. Seeing her this way, is like viewing someone I really don't know. I am not upset when I leave from visiting..it is more of a dread of going there. She will not remember the next day I was even there.
As for leaving the kids an inheritance..yes there will be some..but hoping more to get them prepared for their own retirement.
Depending on the stage or type of dementia, it may be harder on the family members, than the patient.
I take comfort in that.
