Extreme Parenting

[MTR]

Was watching doc on this, thought it was quite interesting. What do you think?? Of course this is US

I wonder how many academic high achievers..... had the 'tiger parenting' model ??

Tiger Parenting
These parents have extremely high expectations for their 6 year old boys (twins), days are filled with structure and discipline. Family is all about achievement, all the time. The kids go to a private school year round no breaks, followed by 3 hours of extra curricular such as chess and tennis. School fees $40,000 US pa.

Un schooling
These parents reject the idea of an organised approach to education. The parents follow the children's lead, not a curriculum. Un schooling as life learning, and learning from experiences, if a child has a passion, they can choose to immerse in that. Un schooling is about letting a child be who he or she is, learning through everyday experiences.

The next family A.
All about competition. Their son starts every morning with a 2 hour workout. Their goal is for him to get into the NFL. He is also a black-belt in karate. They are instilling physical and mental discipline into their son. They see it as a way to help their son become successful and beat the odds.

Family B.
Goal for their daughter is for them to become childhood star. Their 2 year daughter has entered and won pageants, and the one year old is just starting out. They believe that being pretty is an asset in this world, and places great value on it.


MTR

 

[wylie]

Each of the above.... very sad for the kids. What happened to just letting kids be kids, do what they want, or not...

 

[Aaron Sice]

Why extremes....? I have three kids and one responds differently to the next differently to the next....

 

[Fifth]

Each of the above.... very sad for the kids. What happened to just letting kids be kids, do what they want, or not...

Ah, so you're an advocator of unschooling

Un schooling
These parents reject the idea of an organised approach to education. The parents follow the children's lead, not a curriculum. Un schooling as life learning, and learning from experiences, if a child has a passion, they can choose to immerse in that. Un schooling is about letting a child be who he or she is, learning through everyday experiences.

 

[jacko18]

All of them sound bad
That's coming from somebody that doesn't have kids
But would like to

 

[weg]

It's the nature of those shows to highlight the 'extreme' aspects.

Kind of like the UK and US shows, Wife Swap. So many different types.

Some may look like they're bordering on crazy, but as long as everyone is reasonably happy and the children aren't becoming screwed up there really isn't a problem.

I doubt too many kids would have big issues with their lifestyle if that's what they're accustomed to and they are loved and feel secure.

I've picked up on my own children comparing us and themselves with others who do things very differently, and we come out the favourable ones, even when the comparison is a household where the children could be percieved as having a better/easier life?

 

[jacko18]

Some of them one on wife swap us ,They are crazy as hell the kids may not know any different .

I got brought up bit old fashioned by my grandparents ,but some them are so strict I feel for the poor buggers

 

[BayView]

I think if you are a parent, and wanting your kids to grow up to be normal, well adjusted, happy people who are likeable, liked, successful and so on...you would have to ask yourself whether all of those styles are what we would call "normal" parenting?

We all want our kids to be super-successful, but they can be that without any ridiculous type of way-out ideas.

Greg Norman for eg - just a standard QLD surfer kid. His Mum played golf, and he decided to take it up. The rest is documented history.

Slav Grigorian - one of our most famous classical guitarists (used to be a Member of a Golf Club I worked at) - no idiotic extreme programs with him.

Most surgeons I know - I know quite a few - are merely good scholars who chose to work hard, study hard and had a passion to become what they became.

Most kids just like to play and live in their own imaginative world. I love to see them doing that.

All we need to do is provide love, some guidelines and a few boundaries, and expose them to opportunities, support them in their chosen dreams, and let them go.

We don't need to run boot camps, in my opinion.

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

I think if you are a parent, and wanting your kids to grow up to be normal, well adjusted, happy people who are likeable, liked, successful and so on...you would have to ask yourself whether all of those styles are what we would call "normal" parenting?

We all want our kids to be super-successful, but they can be that without any ridiculous type of way-out ideas.

Greg Norman for eg - just a standard QLD surfer kid. His Mum played golf, and he decided to take it up. The rest is documented history.

Slav Grigorian - one of our most famous classical guitarists (used to be a Member of a Golf Club I worked at) - no idiotic extreme programs with him.

Most surgeons I know - I know quite a few - are merely good scholars who chose to work hard, study hard and had a passion to become what they became.

Most kids just like to play and live in their own imaginative world. I love to see them doing that.

All we need to do is provide love, some guidelines and a few boundaries, and expose them to opportunities, support them in their chosen dreams, and let them go.

We don't need to run boot camps, in my opinion.

Very well said. Kudos.

 

[wylie]

Ah, so you're an advocator of unschooling

Actually.... no. We let our kids go to the local school, didn't push them to become the next Beckham, or Mozart (but plenty of parents went down this path, forcing kids into playing an instrument or attend swimming or whatever).

We encouraged them to take up sport outside of school, but if they didn't want to, that was their choice.

I know some parents do home schooling, but I'm too lazy to do that .

I just don't like seeing kids and young adults forced into living the life their parents force onto them. A bit of a gentle nudge towards trying something is fine, but outright forcing a child into something is not my style.

 

[MTR]

I think if you are a parent, and wanting your kids to grow up to be normal, well adjusted, happy people who are likeable, liked, successful and so on...you would have to ask yourself whether all of those styles are what we would call "normal" parenting?

We all want our kids to be super-successful, but they can be that without any ridiculous type of way-out ideas.

Greg Norman for eg - just a standard QLD surfer kid. His Mum played golf, and he decided to take it up. The rest is documented history.

Slav Grigorian - one of our most famous classical guitarists (used to be a Member of a Golf Club I worked at) - no idiotic extreme programs with him.

Most surgeons I know - I know quite a few - are merely good scholars who chose to work hard, study hard and had a passion to become what they became.

Most kids just like to play and live in their own imaginative world. I love to see them doing that.

All we need to do is provide love, some guidelines and a few boundaries, and expose them to opportunities, support them in their chosen dreams, and let them go.

We don't need to run boot camps, in my opinion.

Well said.

Tiger parenting is a disaster, what if academically your child struggles, more pressure.

When my daughter was in primary school had a parent/teacher interview and advised that she was an "under achiever", which meant she had problems keeping up with the others in class.

We decided she had to be lazy and that she needed to work harder, do more homework, push, push, push. Within a couple of months my 7 year old told me that she wanted to kill herself. Wow, what a wake up call, we completely changed the way we did things, took the pressure off, moved her to another school, great environment and her grades changes, but most importantly she was happy.

 

[TMNT]

In my opinion it's one of three types of parents

- they themselves are super acheivers (note I didn't say over acheivers)
- the parents are trying to live their failed dream through their kids
- parents are useless at everything they do and think that even thoug their kids are also useles at everything they do as well can be overcome by throwing money/time/attention at it (which doesn't happen very often but does happen every now and again)

 

[MTR]

In my opinion it's one of three types of parents

- they themselves are super acheivers (note I didn't say over acheivers)
- the parents are trying to live their failed dream through their kids
- parents are useless at everything they do and think that even thoug their kids are also useles at everything they do as well can be overcome by throwing money/time/attention at it (which doesn't happen very often but does happen every now and again)

Hi TMNT

From what I watched the underlying theme in all of these models is that parents choose their parenting style based on how they were parented. I think these parents feel like they lacked something in the way they were raised by their parents. In turn, they take an opposite approach, and sometimes to the extreme.

 

[TMNT]

Hi TMNT

From what I read the underlying theme in all of these models is that parents choose their parenting style based on how they were parented. I think these parents feel like they lacked something in the way they were raised by their parents. In turn, they take an opposite approach, and sometimes to the extreme.

no disagreement from me whatsoever!!

 

[MsAli]

We (monalisa and I) had tiger parenting. We didn't like it. It did help us become very disciplined but it has many many downsides most tiger parents cannot empathise with.

 

[MTR]

We (monalisa and I) had tiger parenting. We didn't like it. It did help us become very disciplined but it has many many downsides most tiger parents cannot empathise with.

Would be good to find out how this has impacted on your life/career.. good/bad.


Interesting as you are a twin, did this mean you were competing with each other for higher grades etc for parent's approval, and did your parents use this as a tool ?

So many questions, one more

Are your parents high achievers (academically)??

Thanks
MTR

 

[nhg]

I was grilled till I was 15. Classical guitar 2 hrs a day, sports and studies. If I was interested in a topic I was asked to research it for a month and present a poster and speech about it to my family friends at the end. So on etc.

Then it was my choice after that. I dropped the lot. BUT!!! the confidence and skill-sets I gained from it has been invaluable. I used them to pursue my own passions after that.

Personally I feel if you're left to your own vices as a kid, if you aren't taught perseverance and hard work, it will affect you when you are older. It's a fine balance, which not many people get right, nor should someone be judged for getting it wrong, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be a parent.

*edit*, I don't really believe in the current education system as much as encouraging kids to follow their passion. (Doesn't mean I have any intention of letting my kids slack off at school though).

 

[devank]

forcing kids into playing an instrument or attend swimming or whatever).

Forcing is not right but I wouldn't consider getting them to learn something as tiger parenting especially swimming!

All we need to do is provide love, some guidelines and a few boundaries, and expose them to opportunities, support them in their chosen dreams, and let them go.

^^ Nicely summarised. ^^

Definition of 'some guidelines and a few boundaries' can vary from parent to parent though

 

[Aaron_C]

Tiger parenting is pretty terrible. I don't think it's necessarily a case of parents being unsuccessful therefore trying to live success through their children. We knew tiger parents who were doctors and those that were at the other end of the spectrum.

I think overall it is very unproductive and tends to backfire more than it succeeds. I am not a parent yet so I cannot comment on what drives people to do it so will wait until that time

 

[weg]

Just curious Aaron and NsAli, would you say it was abusive or bordering on abusive parenting, or just that you were aware of being unhappy growing up?

Also what would you do differently with you're own children regarding learning and time spent studying?

I only got to know a small number of primary school children who families i thought had TRUE tiger parents, and all appeared to have tiger children personalities if that makes sense - they appeared to embrace that kind of attitude to learning. Perhaps they didn't know any better at that age.

Of the 2 I knew that stood out both where very bright, one a son of 2 doctors, the other had a father a specialist doctor, and mother stayed home to supervise learning.

Interestingly both were only children.

One was an Indian boy and very outgoing and extrovert just like his mother, whereas the other was a quiet Asian boy like his parents {so not due to sadness or depression that i could see}.

I think if i saw children who weren't very bright being pushed hard because the parents wanted them to achieve beyond their capabilities or it the children were very unhappy then I'd be concerned.

From what I saw none of the children looked unhappy. A couple of others that i did know had problems that arose from very different reasons.