Over protective father of a 9 yo girl ?

[Gordon Gekko]

Hi All,

I have 4 kids, 10yo and down. I'm still looking for the instruction books that came with each one of them

I would say that i'm not really over protective, just a protective father.

What brought me to write this post was my 9yo daughter. We have lived on our current property for 8 months and have befriended a chap, really nice guy, has a partner who has a daughter that visits every couple of weeks, she was there, last sunday. The chap rang us to if our daughter wanted to go over to play, which she has done before and i said fine.

Anyway, i went over a couple of hours later to get her, because we were going out, nobody was at the house, or near the house. So after looking around for 10 mins or so, my mind started to race with ideas, as any parents would. Later, I found out , that the partner had just drop her daughter off, she didn't stay. I thought she was there.

I hae to say, this guy would have to one of the nicest people we have met. So i'm not saying anything against him at all.

But i guess you know my thinking ...................

She has slept over at many a friends place. But we have know these people for years.

Where is the line, over protective, not enough protection?

I know every parent will or has gone thru this stage in their childs life, when to let go.

One thing we haven't done yet, is have the talk with her, she is very bright and understands a lot. By having the talk with her and making sure she understands all about "life", I hope that will help to protect her.

Am i making any sense here?

GG

 

[belleran]

I think your response is normal. You sound like a great dad. Our kids need proactive dads - that doesn't mean over protective.

 

[Aaron Sice]

yes mate you are making sense.

unfortunately we're all drilled to not trust anyone.

however, you felt quite comfortable leaving your daughter there - you just panicked when you went back and she wasn't where you thought she would be.

it's natural to assume the worst, however, next time you'll think to yourself "maybe next time i'll just call out and have a quick look around".

they live on acreage. your daughter's friend is probably used to wandering around, and does it a lot, and took your daughter along with her. don't jump to conclusions or accusations!

the lack of a parent does not always mean a lack of care - it's probably something his kids do very often so thought nothing of it.

i take my kids over the rocks at Burns loking for shells at low tide. they're 4 and 2. i see parents whipser in horror and over hear them quite often (the breeze carries sound VERY well) saying how dangerous it is.

well, duh, it would be if they were up there BY THEMSELVES. but i'm there holding their hands. hopefully they learn to acustom themselves to the ins and outs of reading gthe tides and sets (like i'm teaching them) so i CAN leave them to it when they're 10-12-14. we live 180m from the beach, i don't want my kids getting over confident with no skills one day and it all end in horror.

i woulda done the same thing, but take a step back and assess it from the other family's situation. they prob do it all the time...!

 

[josko]

Hi there Gordon,

There is no way I would let my daughter over there without knowing that the mother was around.

Statistically, a child will know his/her abuser. In most cases it is a member of the family or a friend.

The person might be completely innocent. But what if he is not?

You'll sleep better at night knowing you have been protective. I would not call it over-protective. This is your daughter. She relies on you to have her best interests at heart.

Regards Jo

 

[Nards]

Hmmm, yes it is a tough one. I think I am with josko on this one. I wouldn't be comfortable with my daughter playing at a friends house with only the father at home - which is probably paranoid, but to me there is a lot at risk(and before being jumped on , I am aware CSA is also perpetrated by women, but it is something like 2%)..the reality is that child sexual abuse scarily common. You have to ask yourself how would your child cope/deal with an inappropriate situation? Would she speak to you/her mum about it?

My daughter is 5 and we are well and truly on the way to teaching her, in a non-threatening way of course, what is and isnt ok, how to protect herself, and what to do if she feels uncomfortable in any situation. I dont think just having a "talk" cuts it - kids, both boys and girls, need to have a self-awareness and instilled understanding that becomes instinctual. To me it is like the "birds and the bees" or the "dont take drugs" talk...it shouldn't be just a "talk" but something that can be conversed about freely and easily on a regular basis, as part of conversation, not "taboo".

And I am not saying that we talk to our 5-yo about being sexually abused, but that we are teaching her about her body, that it is hers and hers only. And I hope when she is old enough to go out into the world she will be equipped to deal with "life"..

Its a touchy subject, but not one to be swept under the carpet, because of that.

Nadia

 

[Macca]

Hi,

I agree with you, I wouldn't have allowed my daughter to be there with just the father.

I also think he would be well advised not to have other children unkown to him there when he is alone.

Community suspicion can soon get out of hand if one of the kids phrases something wrongly when talking about their visit.

I think it is a lose lose situation, there is nothing to be gained by anyone allowing this to happen.

 

[AshleyS]

I don't have kids but as I was reading this I was thinking, there is no way I would let my daughter (if I had one) stay there without others being around, nice guy or not.

Too late is too late IMO.

Tough one though...

 

[INVSTOR]

fOLLOW your own instincts. If you don't feel comfortable don't allow it. We had a neighbour that I didn't feel comfortable with when my daughter was young. My husband grew up in the same house we were living in and would say to me he was harmless and he never did anything untoward his sisters. When my daughter was 2 she was running around the backyard naked. My dog discoved the neighbour next door crouched down looking through a hole in the fence. Creepy.
There's a book called "jasmin's Butterfies". Which I've heard is good to give your kids a talk about them following their feelings also. My daugters the same age and I wouldn't allow it. I've warned my daughter for years about what is her "private" parts and not for other people, etc.

OTHER RESOURCES ALSO

http://www.protective-behaviours.org.au/resources.htm

 

[INVSTOR]

I found out then, that the partner had just drop her daughter off, she didn't stay. I thought she was there.




GG

Just be aware also that even if there is a female/mother/other people around that doesn't automatically protect your child from offenders. You need to teach your children to protect themselves. I've sat beside a 13 year old friend at school who was being touched by the teacher in front of half the class. It went to court etc, but it wasn't the first time this teacher had offended, it also happended in another state.

 

[weg]

Like BC stated we're drilled not to trust anyone unless they can prove us otherwise .

It didn't sound to me like anything particularly neglegent or overly concerning occured however I grew up on a farm and being anywhere on an acerage this size (within earshot) would not seem too far to me nor would popping out briefly and leaving children with the care of my husband seem odd. Mind you I always mention where I've gone and for how long and the parents seem fine with this and keep sending their children here .

With that said anyone that doesn't feel completely comfortable with their child in the care of both adults should not be leaving their child there.

 

[silversands]

We have instincts for a reason...

However may I add...

I grew up spending every weekend at my adored dad's house. He made those weekends memorable. Long walks on and afternoons at the beach, trips to Marineland, trips to the movies, backyard cricket, rollerskating, (yes he put on the skates too) he hosted parties and organised all the games, read me loads of stories / taught me to read at three. He also gave great advice to me and my friends. In the years until he remarried, I often had my girl friends sleep over. Those weekends were looked forward to, by both my friends and me.
If all my friends parents did not allow their daughters to visit, just because I didn't have a female parent about the place, how sad that would have been! Not only for me, but for my friends also. Thankfully their parents obviously chose to follow their instincts which must have told them my dad was " a good sort!"
One of my girl friends just told me recently how much she used to enjoy weekends at my place and my dad's company. He was and is a great role model.

Still, assess each situation on it's own merrits. I have two girls and am very careful of where and whom they spend time with, and what supervision they have.

Interesting thread.
Jodie

 

[BayView]

Yeah; this is one of the biggest worries - stranger danger.

We have a 7 year old son, so I guess the danger is maybe marginally less, but still high.

We are constantly at our boy about strangers; never to let them touch you anywhere inside your pants unless they are doctors etc at a hospital, and never to go anywhere with a stranger for any reason unless we say so first.

No guarantee of course that he'll do it, but you have to be constantly at it and keep educating them.

Don't get lulled into a false sense of security by someone who is "really nice".

Nearly all child tragedies are perpetrated by someone near to them regularly.

Keep the antennae up at all times.

 

[Aaron Sice]

yeah it's about following the instincts.

i too grew up on a farm and can attest that running loose is just a regular thing, i guess that's why i'm a little more relaxed about the situation.

if you think he's a good bloke, and comes across as that, and his kids are normal, then really - short of wrapping the kids up in cotton wool, what are you to do? live the fear and deny your kids of everything, or apply reason and be cautious...?

i vote #2.

 

[Nards]

yeah it's about following the instincts.

i too grew up on a farm and can attest that running loose is just a regular thing, i guess that's why i'm a little more relaxed about the situation.

My understanding wasn't that the kids and parents were away from the farm house (not a problem in my book), but more that GG had expected the mother of his daughters friend to be present too, and on finding the girls alone with the father at a distant part of the farm set off some understandable worries. I too would be somewhat concerned to find my daughter and friend alone in an isolated location, with a gentleman who lives alone, and has a partner with a young daughter...the bloke is more than likely completely innocent, but if I was that man, I dont think I would allow that situation.

Follow your instincts GG, if you have had to ask the question then maybe it isn't a risk worth taking.

Nadia

 

[Doons]

friends...

Doesn't matter if the child is male or female or what gender the carer is.
I'm not over protective at all with my children but I make it a rule to 'get to know' the parents for quite awhile before the boys were allowed to visit or sleep-over. I would always invite the kids over to my house.... something like "Yes little Johnny would love to play with Mark, but we were just about to make a cubby but your Mark is more than welcome to come over here, why don't you take some time for yourself etc!!! Make it seem as appealing as possible.
Now the upside to this is as teenagers I find that they tend to come back to my house all the time. Same group of friends for over 7 years now and it's fantastic, costs a fortune in food though!!

 

[super_sam]

As a father of an 8 year old girl I would be mortified if I found out any of my daughters friends parents didnt want their children at our house if my wife wasnt home and it was just me

But yeah trust your gut... If someone feels funny dont let your kids go over there. Period. Regardless of who else is there

Unrelated - our 8 yo told us she knows what a "disco stick" is the other day. I died a little on the inside

 

[Doons]

Super Sam

Please excuse my ignorance, what is a disco stick?

 

[Doons]

Whoopssss

I found the answer... very embarrassed!!!

 

[wylie]

Male "equipment" as in a song that is currently being played. I turned on the telly recently and one of my boys must have been watching video clips. I saw the "disco stick" video. Truly, it was porn with clothes on .

I am no prude, but for kids to be watching this crap is so not good. They don't need to grow up so young.

 

[josko]

I don't let my children watch Video Hits. Unfortunately my 11 yr old also knows what a "disco stick" is from school becasue apparently everyone is talking about it. Doesn't it make you cranky?

I'm also sorry guys if we hurt your feelings on this topic. Putting it bluntly though...where my children are concerned - I don't care.

(And I mean that in the nicest possible way.)

Regards JO