Financial infidelity

[DavidMc]

Kinda off track, but still an interesting viewpoint on men, women and money.

http://menforjustice.net/cms/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=22&Itemid=49

* Note - the information contained within does not represent the views of the poster!

 

[DavidMc]

I'm single right now. I've lived with a girl and supported her in the past, but we had no formal agreement.

I thought about the arrangement by having a shared account where a portion of each partners income is deposited. Something like 70% into the shared account and 30% into an individual account. Shared account are shared decisions and individual account is spend as you like (even if this does end up being spent on shared purchases).

Best of both worlds? Never done this in practice though. Any comments?

 

[firstmillion]

How widespread is this? Do most couples operate as one unit money wise or are they each on their own game plan and just telling the other what they please? GoMichael and I are very much on the same plan and I can't imagine how awful it would feel to discover that my partner was either secretly spending money against our agreed plan or stashing money away in case things don't go well between us.

We have one bank account in bith names. Our salaries, expenses, invesntments are done by that account. I do the investments and she manages the accounts. Works fine with us. Its so easy and suits are personalities as well.

Cheers

 

[GoAnna!]

Kinda off track, but still an interesting viewpoint on men, women and money.

http://menforjustice.net/cms/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=22&Itemid=49

* Note - the information contained within does not represent the views of the poster!

Geeze that's a scary website and if you believed even a fraction of it I can understand why you would never get married. Fortunately for GoMichael it in no way reflects our marriage

 

[GoAnna!]

For those that like to operate separarately is that because

You like control

Lack of trust

Relationship is new

Other?

 

[DavidMc]

For those that like to operate separarately is that because

You like control

Lack of trust

Hmmm... however when you have shared funds you are 50% in control of your partners income.

I would have thought the '100% shared option' is for those who want control over the others expenditure and lack trust in their ability to spend their money.

 

[GoAnna!]

Hmmm... however when you have shared funds you are 50% in control of your partners income.

I would have thought the '100% shared option' is for those who want control over the others expenditure and lack trust in their ability to spend their own money.

In my case it is just easier. We are way too lazy to make it more complicated. Money goes in. Bills come out.

We have agreed on general spending and investment principles and consult each other when we want to make non ordinary purchases. We don't monitor each other's expenditure because we are wierd and actually trust each other. So far so good.

When we are organised we agree on large item purchases at the beginning of the year. Since we made the large purchase of two children we have been too busy to make such specific goals. Come to think of it we have also been to busy to shop!

 

[wylie]

I would have thought the '100% shared option' is for those who want control over the others expenditure and lack trust in their ability to spend their money.

What an unusual interpretation. If someone lacked trust, would they give their partner access to their life savings? I know I wouldn't. We each have cards to get funds. Neither of us wants control over the others' expenditure and neither of us lack trust in any shape or form.

Different if you need two signatures to get funds. That to me would indicate a lack of trust and a major control issue.

I once was shopping with a couple who were married a few years who (at the checkout) split the weekly grocery bill in half. If he wanted something she didn't like, and vice versa, it was negotiated. I was gobsmacked. (You pay for the Iced Vo Vos because I don't like them.... what the?)

If I didn't trust my husband with my life (and my money) I would not have married him.

Wylie

 

[LynnH]

Hubby gets to earn and I get to spend - and really I can't think of a fairer system

Hubby often jokes with friends that he earns the $$$ and I spend them - then I tell him: "But I do it so well, darling". Usually gets a chuckle!

But seriously, with hubby away/overseas about two-thirds of the year or more, we would be in 'debtors prison' if I didn't handle the finances! Have done this since well before we were married - he hates the finance side of things. and is happiest when playing with his golf clubs and his 'big boys' toys'. The Bank can be a pain in the butt, as wylie says, but most accounts are in joint names, so it's not a problem TOO much of the time.

As with others, most things are in joint names - anything tax-deductible is in hubby's name alone, anything that earns money (shares/investments) are in my name alone, since I've 'retired' (very early ). Works well.

Cheers
LynnH

 

[kaf]

I thought about the arrangement by having a shared account where a portion of each partners income is deposited. Something like 70% into the shared account and 30% into an individual account. Shared account are shared decisions and individual account is spend as you like (even if this does end up being spent on shared purchases).

Best of both worlds? Never done this in practice though. Any comments?

This is roughly what we do (see my post at first page) and yes the proportions are about 80% joint and 20% individual accounts. And yes we both chip into big purchases (or bills) from our own accounts without problems if needed. This has nothing to do with trust or being a control freak. For example it's my little luxury to buy lunch most days so that I can decide what I eat there and then while hubby is more frugal and goes shopping at the beginning of the week and makes his own sandwiches at work. If this came out of the same pot I would feel guilty doing that but given that it's from my account I can do it and I enjoy it too.

We've been married 8 years and do everything together but the separate money bit has worked really well for us. Will be different if we have children but I can see us even then putting small amounts aside. So for the people with joint accounts - how do you decide on birthday / Xmas presents? Is it roughly the same amount for each of you and then you just head off and buy something? Maybe I've just not grown up out of the pocket money stage yet .

kaf

 

[Bargain Hunter]

Skater and I have always pooled our money, being in a lifetime partnership this would appear to me to be the logical approach. Although if she keeps mocking my level of financial literacy I may need to make some withdrawals (after I pinch her ATM card).

Looking at the variety of answers from clearly intelligent people perhaps my beliefs are based on our parental rolemodels and social norms rather than any conscious decision about how things ought to be.

Having started my working life in construction I found many of the men I worked with gave the missus the minimum she needed to pay for the essentials, maybe a tad more but then kept the rest for themselves. And no they didn't invest the money for the future.

I find this a totally unacceptable way to treat a person you love and respect.

For those who have said they have seperate accounts, do you deposit equal amounts in each account?

If not, why not?

Regards

Andrew

 

[The Y-man]

...stashing money away in case things don't go well between us.

Very simple solution - we have no money to stash away

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[Nards]

So for the people with joint accounts - how do you decide on birthday / Xmas presents? Is it roughly the same amount for each of you and then you just head off and buy something? Maybe I've just not grown up out of the pocket money stage yet .

kaf

We both have access to all of our accounts, although I do most of the financial side of things. We always discuss purchases - pretty much all things over $200 - its not a case of "can I have this", but more "I need/want this for such and such a reason, can we afford it at this this time..".

In the case of gifts/special purchases we don't agree on a dollar amount, although we each have an understanding of our financial situation at the time and spend accordingly - it has never been a problem...

Having said that, my husband is much more into "toys" than me, and I often feel bad when he sees something he would really like, latest being a camper trailer and I have to say, we really cant afford it right now, or that we will have to go into bad debt to buy it and will delay our financial goals (funnily his goals much higher than mine!!). So I think we need to find a balance, so we can continue to invest, and have a few toys along the way...

I do think it is a bit of a trust issue, as well as needing to be on the same page with your financial goal and having good communication.

Nadia

 

[GoAnna!]

For those who have said they have seperate accounts, do you deposit equal amounts in each account?

If not, why not?

Regards

Andrew

That is an interesting point. Money is one contribution to a partnership. Each individual within the partnership may not earn the same amount. Does that mean that one person within the marriage might be living a "champagne" life style while the other is saving coupons? How are the other contributions acknowledged? House keeping, renovating, cooking, shopping, child care, resourcing and managing investments etc

 

[sue78]

If you have already established yourself financially prior to entering a relationship then I can see how you would want to keep your finances separate. Especially if you have properties under your own name.

A lot of my friends are in this situation, the problem is that sometimes they still spend as though as they were single. I think it's easier to save if you combine your income.

One couple I know got divorced because of finances. She was on low income and her husband high...yet they kept everything separate and it caused a real strain in their relationship.

My hubby and I met when we both had nothing to our names and built our wealth together. There has been a couple of times that he did not work and I worked and supported us and vice versa. So we share everything and everything is in joint names.

Yman - lol, my hubby said he and his mates should open a secret husband's bank a/c!

Lynn - same here...sometimes I wished he would take care of the finances once in awhile. I don't get the 'big toys'...he only gets to play a proper round of golf twice a year but always after golf clubs....now he has his eye out on a new golf set. Also, it' snot because I don't let him play but he has no friends to play with. At least if I bought a designer handbag it will get used everyday.

Finances has never been an issue in our relationship, even when we didn't have much. It's great...one less problem to worry about!

 

[lindy0123]

We pool our money - Hubby is the only one working I stay at home and care for our children, keep house and do all of the finances. Like previously mentioned by someone it is not that he doesn't know how to he just doesn't get into it. He is away alot with work so it does make life a little easy if I control everything. Hubby and I have separate accounts - married over 12years. Never have really changed it - although we do and have always had access to each others accounts. He is happy though as pretty soon he is going to get his "dream car" so a toy for his hard work so far. And as for the "stash" account we both have one. We put a small amount in it each pay and that is for little things - like when he wants to buy me a surprise

 

[natmarie73]

If you have childen together how does it then work?

We don't have children, and I certainly don't ever intend to so that is not something that we are planning for. Not having children I can't guess as to how our financial arrangements would change but I can't see that they would need to. I guess that any costs that children incur would be split 50/50 since it would be half his doing in the first place. I certainly would not be staying home with the kids and relying on his income to support us so child care costs etc would need to be divvied up. I'm very independent and absolutely hate being reliant on other people for anything, especially financial support.

We are not one of those couples that keeps a running tab on what each of us spend on joint expenses, and it all comes out evenly in the end. Like Sue said, if each partner has build up substantial assets in their own names as we have before entering the relationship it is easier just to keep finances seperate. Any joint entertainment purchases are shared - sometimes he will pay and sometimes I will.

If we ever split up it will be so much easier to deal with without the haggling over what is mine what is yours and you owe me XX and other financial rubbish that always happens. If every couple kept their finances seperate the family court would find their caseload reduced by about 3/4 I reckon.

 

[skater]

If every couple kept their finances seperate the family court would find their caseload reduced by about 3/4 I reckon.

I guess it all depends on how you look at it. I believe if every couple went into marriage with the conviction that marriage is for life then the caseload would be greatly reduced too. All too many times I have heard young people mention that they are getting married, but if it doesn't work out, that's fine they'll get a divorce.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not living in fairy land & I do realise that not all marriages will work out. I just know that there are many times that people enter into a marriage with the wrong attitude. A marriage, like everything in life, takes work. There will be differences in opinion, but if you both are committed to the relationship many things can be worked out.

If you treat your finances the same way (marriage is for life) then it makes sence to pool your finances as you are combining two separate entities into one. This doesn't mean that one cannot buy a gift for the other without consulting each other, what it does mean is trust. Why marry someone if you don't trust them.

All too often the male is the main bread winner, with the female in the part-time or lower paying job. The female is often the one who buys the groceries & deals with all the expenses of children. If you don't combine your finances, then the female will often be the one hard done by, while hubby has money to burn. This is not the way you treat someone you love, trust & respect.

 

[wylie]

I would certainly want to protect what I brought into a new relationship if I had substantially more to bring. But we started with about the same assets in our 20's and have shared everything since.

Natmarie, your comment about family law court is interesting. In my case, I have been the driver to get ahead financially and buy IPs, but I have not been in the paid workforce for 15 years. So when you have a mother at home (even though that mother at home does almost everything for the husband and children to keep the house running) how would keeping our money (I have no income) separate help in the case of a divorce. It just doesn't work that way.

Hubby has all our assets in his name, I have only half a share of the our PPOR. I think that shows how much I trust him. I also know that if we ever split up, he would probably just walk away from the assets, as he is not motivated by money, never has been.

I also NEVER think of myself as being kept financially, but I understand some women would.

In fact, when you add up what hubby would pay for all the washing, ironing, cooking etc if I was not doing it, I would be earning a fair bit. Maybe I should give him an invoice occasionally

Wylie

 

[kaf]

For those who have said they have seperate accounts, do you deposit equal amounts in each account?

If not, why not?

Regards

Andrew

This is a really interesting discussion. Yes we keep roughly equal amounts in our own accounts and the rest goes into the joint. My hubby has the PAYG variation against his salary so he puts a lot more into the joint (needless to say he also earns more). So in absolute terms I contribute less to the joint account but have similar amount of "pocket money". Banking makes all this so easy as my key card is linked to the joint and my account. So I can decide there and then whether this is "mine" or "ours". We never argue over money and if the joint is in the red we subsidise from our "stashes".

I have to say our arrangement also to do with our spending behaviour - if it's there we have ways of spending it. IPs work very well as enforced saving plan and having money in different pockets keeps it there for longer we find. I guess we could be more frugal but then you only live once .