Helping friend with unsupportive husband

[WinstonWolfe]

I am a hard bestard on these things.
I don't generally cut women a lot of slack for being hard done by.
Men and women have equal access to education these days. There's no exucse for being a ditz and saying you didn't know this or that about your partner when you fell in love.

Partnering up for life is a serious decision, and you want to know the person you are partnering up with really really well. it ain't about all the feel good stuff primarily....values, dreams, goals, character eventually demand their place.

If a person decides to marry someone overbearing or passive or whatever, and hasn't explored all the deeper stuff, then watch the karma.....

I've seen it time and again amongst couples I've known.
And every time it is the result of not taking a more sober and considered approach to what criteria you choose a life mate.

I see no other way forwards then to let your friend stand up in the relationship and demand equal power with the husband. If he doesn't want it that way, then she will live the rest of her life compromising her own evolving values, or she should walk away. He'll either get it or he won't. If he doesn't she is better off moving on.

OTOH, if this woman has been lying, (passively) saying she needs $X a week for bills, and then she's been stacking excess away to make 40k, then she's abused the trust between them....and no wonder he is upset.

 

[Belu]

Wrote an arguement from his point of view but deleted it - it has been said above well enough.

Money is such an emotive thing i cant understand why you would lie about it and hide it away - how long has she been doing this? If it was me I would have a bunch of other questions running through my head about what else she doesnt tell me...

 

[Ajax]

I would not help your friend.

All the anger/frustrations/resentments surrounding money and the relationship between husband and wife may find their way towards you. And you may lose the friendship.

If you want to play "volunteer rescuer" be aware that rescuers can and sometimes do drown in the process.

 

[Simon]

I would not help your friend.

All the anger/frustrations/resentments surrounding money and the relationship between husband and wife may find their way towards you. And you may lose the friendship.

If you want to play "volunteer rescuer" be aware that rescuers can and sometimes do drown in the process.

Yeah, better to just watch them drown I guess?

 

[Ajax]

Simon,

there is a difference between being a mortgage broker, dealing with this stuff everyday and being paid for it and being a freind who is helping.

A bit like a paid life guard (as rescuer) who is professional and somewhat clinical and a friend who dives in to rescue someone.

 

[wobbycarly]

Good analogy!

 

[Simon]

Simon,

there is a difference between being a mortgage broker, dealing with this stuff everyday and being paid for it and being a freind who is helping.

A bit like a paid life guard (as rescuer) who is professional and somewhat clinical and a friend who dives in to rescue someone.

When I was broking I mostly did it because I liked helping people solve problems. I guess it takes all sorts.

 

[lizzie]

i can understand the husband pov totally. good on your friend for being able to save, but the way she went about it was wrong.

his anger has nothing to do with the money itself - it's because she kept a big secret from him, that she was making major plans without him and she had dreams and ambitions that she felt she couldn't share with him. i can imagine that he feels like she has betrayed his ability to trust her.

the feeling wouldn't have to come from saving money at all, or the purpose of that savings - i imagine it would be the same if he found out she was going to some group meeting every week that she had never told him about or lending something to value to a friend without consulting ... it was all about the trust.

i am sorry if i sound harsh - but how would she have felt if the shoe was on the other foot ... discovered by accident that he had a "secret" saving account so he could buy an expensive boat while she went without something she wanted.

ww also made a very good point about the balance of the relationship ... if he does not see your friend as being an equal partner then that is something she will have to work out - and it has nothing to do with money.

 

[jaycee]

Simon,

there is a difference between being a mortgage broker, dealing with this stuff everyday and being paid for it and being a freind who is helping.

A bit like a paid life guard (as rescuer) who is professional and somewhat clinical and a friend who dives in to rescue someone.

Yeah sometimes, the friend is all youve ogt when the life guard is off duty (shouldn't have been swimming, too late now they're out there, and obviously the fried doenst; want them tto drown if they can help it)

I think it's a personal decision whetehr to try & help a friend or not, not one basedo on haveing financial qualifications of a morgtage brokers

 

[granev]

i can understand the husband pov totally. good on your friend for being able to save, but the way she went about it was wrong.

his anger has nothing to do with the money itself - it's because she kept a big secret from him, that she was making major plans without him and she had dreams and ambitions that she felt she couldn't share with him. i can imagine that he feels like she has betrayed his ability to trust her.

the feeling wouldn't have to come from saving money at all, or the purpose of that savings - i imagine it would be the same if he found out she was going to some group meeting every week that she had never told him about or lending something to value to a friend without consulting ... it was all about the trust.

i am sorry if i sound harsh - but how would she have felt if the shoe was on the other foot ... discovered by accident that he had a "secret" saving account so he could buy an expensive boat while she went without something she wanted.

ww also made a very good point about the balance of the relationship ... if he does not see your friend as being an equal partner then that is something she will have to work out - and it has nothing to do with money.

Spot on Lizzie , spot on

 

[skater]

i can understand the husband pov totally. good on your friend for being able to save, but the way she went about it was wrong.

... it was all about the trust.

.

I feel there are a few things going on here. Trust is one and equality is another.

Hubby feels that she has abused his trust by keeping this money (his money) secret. He feels ripped off because he wants to buy a boat, but they have not sat down to discuss what they want as a couple. Note the selfishness of his wants overriding hers.

In a partnership both should be equals.

 

[Simon]

I feel there are a few things going on here. Trust is one and equality is another.

Hubby feels that she has abused his trust by keeping this money (his money) secret. He feels ripped off because he wants to buy a boat, but they have not sat down to discuss what they want as a couple. Note the selfishness of his wants overriding hers.

In a partnership both should be equals.

So if he let her do what she wanted then he wouldn't be selfish?

Feels like my marriage....

 

[skater]

So if he let her do what she wanted then he wouldn't be selfish?

Feels like my marriage....

Not at all!

What I meant was that they need to sit down and discuss what they want as a couple.

The way I read it so far is that he feels that he should get what he wants (the boat) and that she needs to agree. Why not compromise so that they both get what they want, or work towards that goal.

 

[Amadio]

On an on about stealing "his" $$ and depriving him of "his" belongings etc etc.

It is probable that this couple will never be able to have a financial relationship of equals with this attitude.

When the husband thinks that because he gets the paycheck it is his money, he also often thinks that a stay at home mum is just la-de-dah-ing around the house all day doing nothing. Her pov may be that having children and staying home has interrupted her career and earning capacity. And it's bloody hard work bringing up 3 kids so she's entitled to think that the money coming in is theirs equally.

Most of you on SS are probably too young to remember, but in the olden days it was considered that a wife who saved rather than spend was a treasure. Your friend may have come from a family where this was normal.

It certainly was in mine. I distinctly remember my father discovering that my mother had saved up a heap of $$ and he was leaping about the house in excitement at how clever his little wife was.

I can't imagine your friend's agony at being thought a thief.

 

[joanmc]

I totally agree Amadio

 

[Simon]

Not at all!

What I meant was that they need to sit down and discuss what they want as a couple.

The way I read it so far is that he feels that he should get what he wants (the boat) and that she needs to agree. Why not compromise so that they both get what they want, or work towards that goal.

I agree.

But the way I read it was that she had made a decision then started acting towards it in secret without discussing it with him.

Lets transpose each goal. Imagine he wanted the IP but she had started saving in secret for a boat.

Bet you'd be backing him then.

The issue is that she didn't discuss it with him but he seems to be the selfish one!

 

[Simon]

It is probable that this couple will never be able to have a financial relationship of equals with this attitude.

When the husband thinks that because he gets the paycheck it is his money, he also often thinks that a stay at home mum is just la-de-dah-ing around the house all day doing nothing. Her pov may be that having children and staying home has interrupted her career and earning capacity. And it's bloody hard work bringing up 3 kids so she's entitled to think that the money coming in is theirs equally.

Most of you on SS are probably too young to remember, but in the olden days it was considered that a wife who saved rather than spend was a treasure. Your friend may have come from a family where this was normal.

It certainly was in mine. I distinctly remember my father discovering that my mother had saved up a heap of $$ and he was leaping about the house in excitement at how clever his little wife was.

I can't imagine your friend's agony at being thought a thief.

He just needs to be caught up to where she is financially.

We are judging him as to his initial reaction.

Given some information and time then he quite likely might agree.

I also agree that the money coming in is equally shared. Thats why one hoarding $40K in secret doesn't sound like a relationships of equals.

I guess my real beef with this whole situation is that everyone is so quick to condemn. Isn't it better to understand both sides and realise that neither of them are wrong in what they are wanting.

If there is any wrong in this it is the need that one party is acting in secret to get what they want.

If they worked as two then imagine what could be achieved.

I am sure they will end up getting an IP and a boat if they can open the lines of communication.

 

[Amadio]

Lets transpose each goal. Imagine he wanted the IP but she had started saving in secret for a boat.

Bet you'd be backing him then.

Maybe - because the IP is for their joint future income, but the boat is purely one person's indulgence.

 

[skater]

I also agree that the money coming in is equally shared. Thats why one hoarding $40K in secret doesn't sound like a relationships of equals.
Exactly. It sounds to me like she felt that this was the only way to get her say. Not saying she is right, because I don't believe she is. I think they BOTH need to learn to give & take.
Isn't it better to understand both sides and realise that neither of them are wrong in what they are wanting.
Correct!
If there is any wrong in this it is the need that one party is acting in secret to get what they want. While the other feels that the money is his, not shared. Which tells me the fault is with both of them.
If they worked as two then imagine what could be achieved.

I am sure they will end up getting an IP and a boat if they can open the lines of communication.

Precisely. No reason they can't both get what they want, however neither one of them wins at the moment because they are both playing the "victim" card.

 

[Simon]

Maybe - because the IP is for their joint future income, but the boat is purely one person's indulgence.

Bet if this was a boat forum then the loyalties would be different.

My point is that is doesn't matter what the goals are.

Doing something in secret for some time is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

Buying an IP is not a positive thing for them if they don't agree on it.

I guess I am not really getting anywhere with this and quite likely am annoying folks with my thoughts. Maybe given my recent situation I am looking at this a whole lot more seriously than most.

I'd like to speak to this couple and help get them on track. If he is on a decent income such that she4 can save like that then I reckon they could both have what they want in the next year!

but use the cash for the boat and borrow 110% for the IP