I've decided not to get married or have children .. Is that ok?

[weg]

I wonder how many childless couples who wanted kids but couldn't have them would consider fostering needy children.

Due to the nature of the work anyone including people with kids of their own would find foster parenting challenging.

Unless the psychological issues of not being able to have children have been dealt with this could be more detrimental than anything.

One of the many issues is that the children are rarely with you for long; you get involved and attached and then the child leaves.

The other is you meet kids that you know are in safe hands but are then returned to the same destructive environment from where they were removed.

That's not even touching on interference from bio parents, the dealings with an underfunded government agency, major behavioral problems, etc.

This would happen over and over again, so not run of the mill parenting at all.

 

[Spades]

weg,aside from the negatives,turning one life around is not only merit but rewarding.
Some kids have no role model what so ever and i'm talking from personal experience,you know what if?
Anyhow,small footprints is all it takes to make a difference.
Cheers Spades.

 

[weg]

weg,aside from the negatives,turning one life around is not only merit but rewarding.
Some kids have no role model what so ever and i'm talking from personal experience,you know what if?
Anyhow,small footprints is all it takes to make a difference.
Cheers Spades.

I wasn't discussing turning kids lives around - that's a different issue altogether.

But since you raised it... I think most people would agree that it would be very rewarding protecting children. I'm sure many would jump at the chance of adopting one of these children too.

But why do you think so few people are doing foster care??

Very few people do foster care because the reality is there are many 'negatives' too, and it's a bit simplistic and possibly insensitive to suggest it as therapy - particularly as PTBear hasn't asked for any advice.

 

[OKFFW]

I think there is an attitude about many life choices. Look at all the stories you see about single couples whining about people at cafes bringing their noisy children to the cafe. For every single or couple without kids having a whine about being selfish by *gasp* having the audacity to bring a young child to a cafe, couples with kids could have a whine about the selfishness of singles.

If a couple bring their child to a cafe and that child is annoying other people then it would not be uncommon, nor restricted to childless couples only, for people to have a whinge about it. The child is having a direct and detrimental influence on other peoples lives.

Not that I'm saying whinging about it is a good thing or appropiate, but it is a little different to being judgmental and condescending towards another person because they have made a choice that in no way affects you personally or has any influence on your life.(that is a general "you", not a you directed at you personally wylie)

It is the judgement and condescending attitude that annoys me, especially considering my choice does not have any impact on the other person at all.

 

[BayView]

A question for all you member without kids. When are you going to have kids?

LOL! we were childless for the first 7 years of our marriage - by choice.

We copped that one all the time - especially by my wife's European parents.

If a couple bring their child to a cafe and that child is annoying other people then it would not be uncommon, nor restricted to childless couples only, for people to have a whinge about it. The child is having a direct and detrimental influence on other peoples lives.

True.

We are parents, but an annoying child is still an annoying child - much like a rowdy drunk adult in the same scenario. Mind you, our level of tolerance might be higher than a couple in the same restaurant who have no kids, because we have the noise volume all the time at home and are used to it. But everyone is different.

As parents, it's actually not the kids which annoy us in this scenario - it's the kids' parents who are getting under our skin for being a selfish and inconsiderate pain in the @rse and not doing something about controlling the child.

Skanky bogan types are usually the worst, because they have no respect for anything, but occasionally you see the opposite extreme; the Yuppy couple who are soft as hell on their kids and think it's ok for their little princess or son to "express themselves" and never discipline them because it will affect their self-esteem...and other BS.

Knowing that loud and out of control kids (and their stupid parents) is annoying, we try our best to avoid those scenarios; go to restaurants and cafes when no-one is there (very early dinner if we ever go; which is hardly ever these days), or do take-away.

A number of cafes etc are catching on and providing children's play areas - one here in town does it, and they get lots of soccer moms with their little kids during the week. The kids can go off to a relativley sound proof room with glass walls.

Lots of pubs have done it, and this is our preferred destination for the occasional family do due to the number of kids in our families which would be there.

 

[Spades]

I wasn't discussing turning kids lives around - that's a different issue altogether.

Yet you tap on the negatives of fostering needy children in reply to natmarie73.I was simply pointing out a positive of fostering needy children.Same deal isn't it?

But since you raised it... I think most people would agree that it would be very rewarding protecting children. I'm sure many would jump at the chance of adopting one of these children too.

I'm sure many would.

But why do you think so few people are doing foster care??

Because there's no money in it or they cbf with the process?

Very few people do foster care because the reality is there are many 'negatives' too, and it's a bit simplistic and possibly insensitive to suggest it as therapy - particularly as PTBear hasn't asked for any advice.

Negative nelly...Whhhaaattf???Turn it up...I merely posted a link as an example for PT as something to look at.

Meh.

 

[Just_me]

I suspect that being a ?big brother/sister? is not going to fill the void for PT Bear and his wife. Having been down a similar path (not such an arduous one) and now having an older child through foster care and a baby through an egg donor I know that the feeling of being a carer is totally different to being the birth parent (although my child through foster care came to us at an older age so it may be different if providing care from birth).

It is impossible for anyone to understand what PT Bear and his wife are going through unless you yourself are going through the exact same situation. I can?t even understand as I have never had a miscarriage and I am simply not there anymore as my quest for kids has been successful.

I agree with the comment made about infertile couples becoming foster parents ? ?Unless the psychological issues of not being able to have children have been dealt with this could be more detrimental than anything?. I also wonder why people assume that it is the job of infertile couples to be foster carers. With foster care, everything is done in the best interest of the child. It is not about the carers and filling their void.

I have been to foster care seminars run specifically for infertile couples. The seminars are full on ? the presenters are honest. At the time I didn?t understand why it was run in this way as it put a lot of people off. I have been a carer now for two years (for the same child) and I completely understand now. Every child in care is different but all have undergone some type of trauma ? parenting needs to be done differently and carers need to be very, very resilient. It takes time for a bond to build, on both sides. It?s been two years and I?m not even completely there yet. That is a hard thing for me to write so please do not criticise.

In my state, the process of becoming a permanent carer is not difficult. I suspect that there aren?t enough foster carers due to the different behavioural problems the children could have and that contact needs to be maintained with the child?s natural parents (who more often than not have a problem with substance abuse).

Someone mentioned that their daughter has plenty of time to think about children as she is 29. I started trying for a family at 26 (I?m about to turn 31). Infertility is not always due to age, I saw a lot of young couples at the IVF clinic.

I didn?t write this post to start any sort of argument ? I just wanted to provide my point of view as someone who is infertile and a carer.

One last thing ? using an egg donor is an extremely hard decision to make. All other avenues of having a child would have been thought of prior to coming to that decision.

 

[rugrat]

People are judgemental about everything. I'm married with 5kids. You can see the thoughts run across people's faces when they find that out, even those who are too polite to voice their (unwanted) opinion. I actually had someone ask me the other day "but don't you want to be able to afford to send your kids to uni?" when she found out I had five. I was actually shocked speechless for a bit (which is amazing given how much I love to talk). I still don't know if I was more shocked by her assumption that simply having five kids would mean we couldn't 'afford' tertiary education for them (I 'know' we are significantly ahead financially then this individual. Yet it seems to be a common assumption by people that we must be beggars / reliant on centrelink, because we have lots of kids); or by her obvious assumption that I would be financially supporting my kids through uni (I actually think that they should get a job and support themselves as much as possible, like I did, regardless of how much money I do or do not have); or the fact that she assumed I'd even place as much importance on a tertiary education as she obviously does (uni is great - for some people, but it isn't the only option, and some people are just not suited for it at all).

I honestly believe that some people just 'know' whether they want kids or not, or to be married or not, and it would be silly for them to do otherwise. I 'knew' from when I was a little child, that I wanted to be a mum with lots of kids. People would laugh at me when I told them as a teenager that I would have five or six kids, being confident that I would change my mind. But I knew what I wanted, no one else's opinion mattered.

I myself am one of six kids, and I have a sister (in her 20's) who is adament that she never wants children. I believe her. I don't think she ever will have kids. She isn't at all maternal. She doesn't like babies at all. She doesnt 'mind' her nieces and nephews and like to play the fun aunty, but is more then happy to give them back when she gets borred or they get too needy. And as she says 'why would she need her own kids when she is surrounded by neices and nephews?' She likes to travel and enjoy the high life and doesn't want to be tied down or responsible for a little person. She would easily pick the companionship of a dog or a cat over a child.

I think the worst thing would be to have kids when you know you don't really want them. It would be terrible for you. And it would be terrible for the kid. I do know at least one person who regrets having her kid. She never wanted any but felt pressured by her hubby and family, and bought into the lie that she would become maternal once it was 'her' child. She does 'love' her kid. But she resents him, and she would be happier if she had never had him. And although she would never say this to him, kids are smart, and they pick up on the fact that their parent just isn't as connected and doting on them as their friends parents are.

 

[Ace in the Hole]

I'll bet everybody here is glad and grateful their parents had kids, whether planned or not.
What could be better than creating a new life?

 

[Nemo30]

What is right for one person may not be right for someone else - dont worry what anyone else thinks. Do what makes you happy.

I had my son quite young and at the time felt I missed out on lots of things - I'm now coming out the other end as my son has grown and become (semi) independent.

I got quite sad last year when I realised my days of being needed as a mum were almost over.... of course that passed quickly as I filled my extra time with holidays

 

[BayView]

Originally Posted by weg View Post
But why do you think so few people are doing foster care??

I think it might be a combo of:

1. not enough time available for extra mouth/s
2. costs money which they haven't got
3. process of selection to become a foster parent may be arduous and/or prohibitive
4. wouldn't qualify due to various reasons
5. fear of having difficult children
6. fear of getting attached only to have the child removed later.

Points 1, 2 and 6 would stop me.

The other points I reckon I'd be right for.

 

[Sim]

But why do you think so few people are doing foster care??

Foster care is a very very different exercise to adoption.

It takes someone very special to be able to cope with the demands of fostering.

We are good friends with a couple of families who foster, and they are incredible people. I have enormous respect for what they do.

But this isn't for everyone - I wouldn't think any less of anyone who decided that foster care was not the right thing for them ... it's really something you need to have a passion for.

That being said, there is a desperate need for foster carers - both short term and long term care.

I would strongly encourage anyone who feels they have the ability to care for a child who needs a home and the strength to deal with the inevitable challenges you will face - to at least investigate the option of foster care and make an informed decision as to whether it is the right thing for you.

 

[Fifth]

A while back I was looking into becoming a foster carer. Very quickly I realised that I am not cut out to be a foster carer for a range of personal reasons. Weg and Bayview summed up most of the reasons in their respective posts.

I've heard that some foster carers do it for the money. This is disturbing as you need to have several foster children and spend very little on them to make a financial profit. Very vulnerable kids being used for paltry amounts of cash... very heartbreaking.

The financial aspect isn't an issue for us. We could easily afford to provide for another mouth without being TAs about it. The emotional aspect... I'm just not cut out at this point in my life. Maybe further down the line.

I have the utmost respect for foster carers who do it for the right reasons. It's not an easy situation to be in.

It's not suitable for everyone and for those who can't have children, it shouldn't be seen as a 'second choice'. Two very different worlds.

 

[ok180]

I've heard that some foster carers do it for the money. This is disturbing as you need to have several foster children and spend very little on them to make a financial profit. Very vulnerable kids being used for paltry amounts of cash... very heartbreaking.

Positive cashflow foster kids! Genius!

 

[Jamie M]

I wrote a post before - I thought I hit "submit reply" but it's vanished.

Anywho - I'm a foster dad.

It's (mostly) rewarding - but probably because I've got an amazing foster daughter who's generally well rounded, happy and optimistic. Watching her grow up and being part of her life has generally been a positive experience.

It's not all roses though. It's a very thankless job - especially early on. Bayview's touched on a number of issues which I agree with. There's also regular contact with biological family which can be difficult for some carers (not really an issue for me). The slow decision making and lengthy processes due to bureaucracy can be frustrating too.

I think it's worth mentioning that there's varying types of foster care too - some short term, some longer term. I've been to a few carer workshops/conventions and there are some amazing carers out there - some who are looking after dozens of kids each year, including emergency care. Personally, I couldn't do that.

Cheers

Jamie