Joke Thread
- Thread starter CHam
- Start date
There was a story of a Plumber being called to a doctor's home to do some work. After working for about an hour, the plumber gave the M.D. a bill for $200. The doctor said,
"Good Gracious Man! I have been to medical school and residency and have been practicing medicine for over 20 years and I can't charge that kind of money!" The plumber smiled and said, "Yeah, I couldn't either when I was in practice..
"Good Gracious Man! I have been to medical school and residency and have been practicing medicine for over 20 years and I can't charge that kind of money!" The plumber smiled and said, "Yeah, I couldn't either when I was in practice..
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
The doctor says, "P p p **** o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
The doctor says, "P p p **** o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.
Chuck Norris !!
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Little kids and the ocean
Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared...rather cute...
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an @$$hole (edited) on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ***. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mum. (James, age 7)
Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared...rather cute...
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2 ) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an @$$hole (edited) on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ***. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mum. (James, age 7)
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction
site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the
pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now.
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you
men to make a dent in that pile of sand."
So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the
pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I
told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies,
boot ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now.
He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you". She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said..'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy..
I start a new job in Seoul next week...I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
Conjunctivitis.com...there’s a site for sore eyes.
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Sod that" says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. they said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you". She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said..'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy..
I start a new job in Seoul next week...I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
Conjunctivitis.com...there’s a site for sore eyes.
An outdoors man
During Owen`s last physical examination, the doctor asked him about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through thick scrub.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by Owen's story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man Owen!"
"Nahh," he replied,
"I'm just a crap golfer".
During Owen`s last physical examination, the doctor asked him about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through thick scrub.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by Owen's story, the doctor said,
"You must be one hell of an outdoors man Owen!"
"Nahh," he replied,
"I'm just a crap golfer".
embassy
A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy!!!!"
A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy!!!!"
these are the good ones guys!here is another one (the topic is a little different though
)Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings
The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all
alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a
pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that
could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story
over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you
really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn
on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
My trip to the store
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to the way to swipe my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to the way to swipe my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Economic Models explained with cows
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money ......
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go to the pub for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money ......
I went into a Maccas the other day. Just to check out the competition.
lady was wearing a burqa- but it was dirty, ragged, and even a little smelly.
That put me off so I went to Hungry Jacks.
A lady had a burqa- but it was clean, colourful, and properly ironed.
Which just goes to show.
The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks.
lady was wearing a burqa- but it was dirty, ragged, and even a little smelly.
That put me off so I went to Hungry Jacks.
A lady had a burqa- but it was clean, colourful, and properly ironed.
Which just goes to show.
The burqas are better at Hungry Jacks.
PONDERISMS
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?
13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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