Joke Thread
- Thread starter CHam
- Start date
A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him.... he’s not game to cough now"
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied, "Look at him.... he’s not game to cough now"
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the trouble started...
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the trouble started...
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley has no clothes on and is hiding in the wardrobe".
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten *****', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley has no clothes on and is hiding in the wardrobe".
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten *****', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids
RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's. It's the tortoise life for me!
here's what I've discovered:
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's. It's the tortoise life for me!
- If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
- A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
- A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
- A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years
here's what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
- I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
- Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
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Dad & Dave saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Bowraville, New South Wales. and bought a donkey for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead donkey?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "By Crikey, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won was very annoyed
So we gave him back his two dollars."
Dad & Dave now work for the Rudd government.
They're financial advisers to Australia 's Finance minister
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the donkey died last night."
Dad & Dave replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"
Dad said, "We're gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Dad said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Dad & Dave at the local grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead donkey?"
They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Dad said,"Hell, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
The farmer said, "By Crikey, didn't anyone complain?"
Dave said, "Well, the feller who won was very annoyed
So we gave him back his two dollars."
Dad & Dave now work for the Rudd government.
They're financial advisers to Australia 's Finance minister
Male Logic
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where is your Ferrari?
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying.... That phrase... In no time..'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution..'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house..... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying.... That phrase... In no time..'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution..'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house..... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
That is a good one, clean, funny, witty and unexpected.
Peter
Peter
The Son-in-Law.
A girl brings her boy friend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon, to find out about the young man. He invites the boy to his study for green tea.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy.
"I am an religious scholar and want to marry your daughter" he replies.
"A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the boy.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the boy insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
A girl brings her boy friend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon, to find out about the young man. He invites the boy to his study for green tea.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy.
"I am an religious scholar and want to marry your daughter" he replies.
"A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the boy.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the boy insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
Another Zinger, I have client who is the DAD! but the son in law is musician, I modified it to keep the god refs and sent it to him. So true!
Peter
Peter
Words to Live By
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- *No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.*
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
- If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Never lick a steak knife.
- The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
- Your friends love you anyway.
- Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.
- Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic..
An Old Farmer's Advice
- Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong
- Keep skunks and bankers at a distance
- Life is simpler when you plow around the stump
- A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor
- Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled
- Meanness don't jes' happen overnight
- Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads
- Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you
- It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge
- You cannot unsay a cruel word
- Every path has a few puddles
- When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty
- The best sermons are lived, not preached
- Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway
- Don't judge folks by their relatives
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
- Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time
- Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain Dance
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'
- The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'
- Always drink upstream from the herd
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in
- Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around
- Live simply, generously, and deeply
- Speak kindly and leave the rest to God
- Don't pick a fight with an old man — if he is too old to fight,he'll just kill you!
Female Comedian one liner
"I have been on so many blind dates, I deserve a free dog."
"I have been on so many blind dates, I deserve a free dog."
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
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