Joke Thread

[AlmostBob]

I had a power outage at my house this morning and my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my Phone battery was flat.

To top it off, it was raining so I couldn't go for a walk, bike or run.

The garage door opener needs electricity so I couldn't go anywhere in the car.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remember that this also needed power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

 

[AlmostBob]

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once, by mistake. Call 555 ####

 

[AlmostBob]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast...the mime next door went nuts - Stephen Wright

 

[AlmostBob]

she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot r-sole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge....'

speeding ticket, expensive, worth every penny

 

[AlmostBob]

My mother n law is coming for a visit
I have to clean out half my closet, so she has a place to hang upside down to sleep

 

[jim1964]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=608931025825332&set=vb.199098633470668&type=2&theater For all the handymen.......

 

[Scott No Mates]

Dad jokes

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Canberra - obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

If you do not have the time to do it right, when will you find the time to do it over

 

[D.T.]

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
?And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth.'

 

[geoffw]

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

That would be worth a few bucks.

Do you have the doe?

 

[Scott No Mates]

Your jokes are as bad as mine Geoff

 

[geoffw]

Scott- you're just fawning.

 

[Scott No Mates]

I herd you the first time Geoff.

 

[keithj]

I herd you the first time Geoff.

In hindsight the speed this thread has gone downhill is staggering.

 

[pinkboy]

In hindsight the speed this thread has gone downhill is staggering.

Agree. These guys have no eye dear when it comes to jokes!


pinkboy

 

[D.T.]

Agree. These guys have no eye dear when it comes to jokes!


pinkboy

if I was given a Buck every time i heard that one

 

[geoffw]

And the blind dead animal has still no eye deer.

(I won't relate the x rated version),

 

[Scott No Mates]

You could have it stuffed & mounted Geoff.

 

[geoffw]

I'll leave the x rated version for the stag party.

But enough of the deer jokes.

The buck stops here.

 

[Burramys]

The pun is mightier than the sword. However, neither comply with the building code.

 

[AlmostBob]

A balding, white haired man, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'
'I know', said the said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'