Joke Thread

[Macca]

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Bunnings, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job,but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
”Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”
”They said, “Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

 

[Dazz]

I love jokes about anti-wrinkle cream. They never get old.

I like how they claim the cream will take 10 years off your face.


I'd like to smear some on my 9 year old and see if she disappears completely.

 

[jaycee]

I like how they claim the cream will take 10 years off your face.


I'd like to smear some on my 9 year old and see if she disappears completely.

I think the similar disclaimer to Krusty the clown's on this tv ad on Simpsons episode applies:

-Receive a cheque for $10 for every burger purchased !
-(Cheques will not be honoured)

 

[AlmostBob]

Andy Rooney 1919-2011

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Andy will be missed.

 

[redwing]

Dazz & The Lawyer

Knowing Dazz's fondness for Lawyers

A lawyer and Dazz are sitting next to each other on a long flight to the East Coast.

The lawyer is thinking that this hairy kaftan wearing mutt looks so dumb that he could easily get one over on him.

So, the lawyer asks if Dazz would like to play a fun game.

Dazz is tired and annoyed at being interupted as he just wants to take a nanna nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches Dazz's attention, never being one to miss an opportunity for a quid, so to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

Dazz doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's Dazz's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer frowns, thinks about it, then whips out his laptop to search all references he can find on the Interweb.

Finding nothing, he sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes Dazz up and hands him $500.00. Dazz smiles, nods, pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is now going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes Dazz up and asks, "Well...... so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Dazz shrugs, reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and promptly goes back to sleep

 

[The Fence]

That's GOLD !

 

[Token Funder]

Some years ago and after some extensive research, the joke considered the funniest by the greatest number of cultures was determined to be an old Spike Milligan effort:


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

[cu@thetop]

My wife went to Jamacia...oh hang on....damn

 

[wobbycarly]

My wife went to Jamacia...oh hang on....damn

My wife's an angel... always up the air, harping about something.

 

[locko24]

The mechanic business was really taking off.
I needed some help, so decided to already a recruiter to hire another mechanic.
"Sure, give me a week", she said.

Sure enough, the next week she calls up;
"You're in luck! I've had two Brazilian mechanics apply."
"I don't need that many", I replied, "How many's a Brazilian?"

 

[turk]

Hear about the 3 holes in the ground??

 

[turk]

Well, well, well

 

[neil100]

Some Tommy Cooper Classics

• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
  
  
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
  
  
• I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,'No, the steaks are too high.'
  
  
• My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
  
  
• A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
  
  The doc replied, 'I know you can't, I've amputated your arms'.

 

[CHam]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your dad still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that ******* before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

 

[Sunfish]

"I've been banned from the golf club, for breaking 70, would you believe!"

"Didn't know golf carts could go that fast"

 

[wobbycarly]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[Sunfish]

"Kinky" is using a feather.

"Perverted" is using the whole chicken.

 

[Player]

Italian Versus Greek deficit financing

Some years ago a small rural town in Italy twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Italian town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Italian mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house. The Italian said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Italian visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said "You see that bridge over there?"

The Italian replied, "No."

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

I always wanted to marry Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name would be 'Always'...

 

[aussierogue]

Herman Cain

Gingrich ,perry and cain are in a car together and a tornado whirls their car around and they arise in the land of oz. gingrich asks the wizard for a heart, perry asks the wizard for a brain. and cain asks the wizard "wheres dorothy?"