Joke Thread

A patient walks into his doctor's surgery eager to find the result of his blood test.

The doctor shakes his head as he reads out the pathology result to the patient "son, you have practically every infectuous disease known to man" says the doctor "you 're suffering from avian flu, the common cold, leprocy, rabies, gonorrhea, syphilis, chicken pox and lastly cholera"

The patient, turning blue, cries out " Doc, I'm finished"

The doctor reassures the patient and tells him "Don't worry, you are going straight into hospital and I'm putting you on a diet of pizzas and pancakes"

The puzzled patient replies " Why on earth, Pizzas and pancake ? "

Doctor "well, what other food can they slide under a door?"
 
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Murphy's Real Laws

Murphy's Real Laws


1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?


6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.


8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.


9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


11. He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.


12. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."


13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.


14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.


16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.


17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?


18. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.


19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.


20. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off. ( Or up)


21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.


23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it ?


24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.


25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.


27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.


28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.


29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.


30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.


31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.


32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.


33. I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.


34. I started out with nothing, and I have most of it left.


35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
 
Batty Books:

Yellow River by I. P. Daily

Growing Old by Gerry Attrick

Cliff Jumping by Hugo First

How to Lose Weight by Anna Rexick

Body Building by Anna Bollick


What about about the paranoid who rang the census dept complaining he never received a census form only to be told not to bother as he was so non descript he wouldn't make any difference to the demographics.

Or the guy who sits with his friends around a de-caffinated coffee table every night - nobody can tell the difference!

One of the fella's bi-lingual illiterate - he can't read or write in two different languages!
 
DOG FOR SALE


A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."


The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years"."But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying b@st@rd, he's never been out of the garden."
 
Arthur is 85 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad. Once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes. Arthur sit down, she has a suggestion: “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,”sighs Arthur. “Your brother is ninety two. He can’t help.” “He may be ninety two,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”


So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball ?”

“Of course I did!”, says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“Can’t remember.”
 
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Scotland"
 
This is a one that was told too me at the local front bar a few hours ago, my mate he's 67 third time with the ring on his finger,like he told me ..
Did you hear that they have just invented a new Viraga for the Ladies ,yeap it works 100% it's called "Niarga"..
 
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were very cold, so they lit a small fire on top of their boat. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
 
A bum walks into a pub with only one thong on.

The barman looks at him and says "Hey buddy, did you lose a thong?"

"Nay" says the bum "I found one!"
 
Token Funder said:
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were very cold, so they lit a small fire on top of their boat. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Click to expand...

Would an Inuit sitting on the ice get polaroids?

Would an astronaut get asteroids?
 
E so dumb e take a corn-dog for a walk.

E so dumb it take im an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

E so dumb e tripped over a cordless phone.

E so dumb e steal a free sample.
 
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