Life After Marriage
- Thread starter macca446
- Start date
Sorry to hear about your situation. It has happened to a lot of us here I am sure, I experienced it some years ago and was gutted.
Looking back now, a few things helped get me through it;
- having a purpose to keep going, obviously caring for your child is a great start in this
- spending quality time with quality relatives and friends
- focusing on the good things that happen each day
- attempting to be a better person each day, in the early times I did this in the hope that I would be more attractive to her and she would return, after a while I got more self confidence and became attractive to others
- keeping occupied, eating well and focusing on physical heath.
We are all different but I think looking forward to things and being positive are key issues for us all in these times. Also, take time to properly grieve for the relationship.
In most forms off loss it takes us about 24 months of cycles, ie, Xmas, birthdays, etc to come through the process in some way.
Wishing you all the best.
Looking back now, a few things helped get me through it;
- having a purpose to keep going, obviously caring for your child is a great start in this
- spending quality time with quality relatives and friends
- focusing on the good things that happen each day
- attempting to be a better person each day, in the early times I did this in the hope that I would be more attractive to her and she would return, after a while I got more self confidence and became attractive to others
- keeping occupied, eating well and focusing on physical heath.
We are all different but I think looking forward to things and being positive are key issues for us all in these times. Also, take time to properly grieve for the relationship.
In most forms off loss it takes us about 24 months of cycles, ie, Xmas, birthdays, etc to come through the process in some way.
Wishing you all the best.
Dude is single for the first time in three decades. He needs to come down to Sydney, get a bag of blow, a bottle of Jack and hit the strip clubs!
I like your sense of humor,made me laugh
I have done points one and four a few times.Dude is single for the first time in three decades. He needs to come down to Sydney, get a bag of blow, a bottle of Jack and hit the strip clubs!
Never taken drugs; stupid idea.
Getting drunk is stupid too, some would argue.
Sorry to hear about your sitch macca. My marriage also broke up about 2yrs back.
There's a forum called Talkaboutmarriage. lt's US but people there are from all over and many going through all this.
Fantastic people, talking,support and advice. Although in these split up situations the Americans do seem to go for the ex's throat a lot more and a lot quicker than we do here .
Mens line Australia is also a great free counseling phone call thing ,day or night .
All the best mate , hang in there , day at a time.
There's a forum called Talkaboutmarriage. lt's US but people there are from all over and many going through all this.
Fantastic people, talking,support and advice. Although in these split up situations the Americans do seem to go for the ex's throat a lot more and a lot quicker than we do here .
Mens line Australia is also a great free counseling phone call thing ,day or night .
All the best mate , hang in there , day at a time.
Sorry to hear this Macca.
I've been through many relationship bust ups and still ended up sane.
Let me rephrase that. A relationship break up is not the end. It's a new beginning. I still communicate with the ex but I had to accept that it was over and I couldn't keep dreaming otherwise. Some break ups do get back together but mine didn't and I wished it did. I guess I clowned around too much and people got sick of it. Especially her family, but anyway I hope you you work things out to the best.
I've been through many relationship bust ups and still ended up sane.
Let me rephrase that. A relationship break up is not the end. It's a new beginning. I still communicate with the ex but I had to accept that it was over and I couldn't keep dreaming otherwise. Some break ups do get back together but mine didn't and I wished it did. I guess I clowned around too much and people got sick of it. Especially her family, but anyway I hope you you work things out to the best.
Well All,
I am going better day by day now and trying to see the future,I would like opinions on how to approach my next hurdle I will be selling all but 1 property over the next 12 months including ppor but not sure what to do ,I really do not know where to go such as I will have my boy for next 6 months for sure and his school is important so would you just rent and put the cash somewhere prob be about 300k or more just trying to find my feet and thanks for all the good advice as it has helped
I am going better day by day now and trying to see the future,I would like opinions on how to approach my next hurdle I will be selling all but 1 property over the next 12 months including ppor but not sure what to do ,I really do not know where to go such as I will have my boy for next 6 months for sure and his school is important so would you just rent and put the cash somewhere prob be about 300k or more just trying to find my feet and thanks for all the good advice as it has helped
Hi macca446,
Such a lot to do! Glad you're getting through each day and starting to make plans but take it easy.
I would suggest going to a financial counsellor as has been said to others on another thread. make sure you get a real one though.
Maybe one or two of the older investors who contribute and deal with people's finances on a daily basis can offer you some support through a PM? Or maybe someone who's been in the same situation.?
You need to take things easy and I question whether you need to sell so many of your properties but that's something you may need to discuss with someone who knows what's what.
Such a lot to do! Glad you're getting through each day and starting to make plans but take it easy.
I would suggest going to a financial counsellor as has been said to others on another thread. make sure you get a real one though.
Maybe one or two of the older investors who contribute and deal with people's finances on a daily basis can offer you some support through a PM? Or maybe someone who's been in the same situation.?
You need to take things easy and I question whether you need to sell so many of your properties but that's something you may need to discuss with someone who knows what's what.
I am sorry to hear about your loss.
Although I was only married for 3 years, this happened to me. I was also in my mid 30`s.
Nothing in life is terminal, only transitional. Some people come into our life for a short period, some a long time. However they all will leave our life at some stage.
I understand about your son, however moving to Asia with your son, might be the best thing you could do........
You could get a live in helper for low cost, giving you some time out to explore your new freedom.
Finally remember its not about you. Your wife left because of her reality, this may differ from yours.
Stay positive, look at this as an opportunity to grow and see a different stage of your life.
In time your pain will reside, and every day is a new day.
Take care. Your no good to your son, if your not your best.
Although I was only married for 3 years, this happened to me. I was also in my mid 30`s.
Nothing in life is terminal, only transitional. Some people come into our life for a short period, some a long time. However they all will leave our life at some stage.
I understand about your son, however moving to Asia with your son, might be the best thing you could do........
You could get a live in helper for low cost, giving you some time out to explore your new freedom.
Finally remember its not about you. Your wife left because of her reality, this may differ from yours.
Stay positive, look at this as an opportunity to grow and see a different stage of your life.
In time your pain will reside, and every day is a new day.
Take care. Your no good to your son, if your not your best.
I think making financial decisions now might be a mistake.
I know it has been only a short time since separation but she will not return to me this is sure,she is the only one supporting us both most of the time as I work only part time,already she is looking for a place to rent on her own as tried living with our daughter but wants needs her privacy,we both agree 50/50 with everything so what is the point holding on to property together when we are not no more.
I know it is almost impossible to think rationally at times like this but take a deep breath and think of a good lawyer and an accountant you may have used.
If you sell you everything in one year then tax will be big, is it possible to transfer some into her name and some into your name, as it is a break up then S/duty may not apply.
It may enable you to keep the one you live in and she has a different one, could also depend on her attitude to your son, most disabled people Hate change, I assume yours is the same and it would be better if he could stay.
Please get some advice from someone who can sit down and look at the actual assets and do some numbers with you, then you can show her and work it out between you.
If you sell you everything in one year then tax will be big, is it possible to transfer some into her name and some into your name, as it is a break up then S/duty may not apply.
It may enable you to keep the one you live in and she has a different one, could also depend on her attitude to your son, most disabled people Hate change, I assume yours is the same and it would be better if he could stay.
Please get some advice from someone who can sit down and look at the actual assets and do some numbers with you, then you can show her and work it out between you.
Macca - I, like others, have also been through what you are experiencing and, rest assured, it does get better - and sometimes even better than it was.
I didn't reply before because wasn't sure how my first thoughts, when reading you opening post, would come across but I do feel I have to say something (and cop the flack).
I feel I can see some of life from your wife's point of view - working full time (physically draining) - elderly parents requiring ongoing - no end in sight - care (physically draining and emotional guilt) - a son with autism of which there is only management and encouragement but no cure - no end in sight (physically draining and emotional guilt) - and injured "life partner" who is going through a rough patch for several years (emotionally draining) - and whatever else was going on in her life. No matter what frantically physical "fire" she was putting out she'd feel guilty for not investing more in the other areas.
At some stage she may have felt that everything was sucking from her emotionally and physically - until the life balance bank account ran dry - and ran on empty for as long as she could take it - until she felt there was no choice but the wrest herself back.
I am not condoning what she did. I am definitely not blaming anyone as life is what it throws at us and how we deal with it. We are personally responsible for keeping our own life balance "balanced" by either asking for what we need, or taking it in small doses for ourselves.
I thought it might help if there was some understanding to the "why". I might also be completely wrong but - as a mother, daughter in law, daughter, wife, friend and working female - we seem to have trouble saying no to those who "need" us, believe we should do and carry everything ourselves, without taking time to look after ourselves until it is to late and feel guilty if we ask for help (even just to bring in the washing).
I know you will be right - this is the opening of a new chapter and the previous chapters will still always exist rather than close.
Take time to find out who Macca is as a whole person, rather than as part of a relationship. This new Macca will be stronger and more than you can imagine and, as a whole person, any future relationship will be because "you" want to be there - not because you feel you need someone else to complete you.
Love and hugs
I agree,also seek some advice from a legal perspective...Selling up may well be a detriment to you and your child/s future.
It's not the end of world,life goes on,good luck macca!
Macca, I hope you are okay. I have been through the same. I concur with Lizzie--it is horrible time but hang in there. My stress towards the end of the marriage was so bad I ended up in hospital. If you start to feel down seek help. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Get some counselling or some meds to help you through this really difficult time. Talk to friends and family. Surround yourself with people who care about you. It's amazing how talking helps. The people who love you won't mind if you need to get it off your chest.
People say that stresses in a marriage bring you closer, but often they drive you apart. We had our fair share: husband sustaining a brain injury in his thirties with a low chance of survival. I never really recovered from the fright of that. I fought with the hospital like hell to keep him alive. That was more stressful than his accident. He recovered for the most part. He then nearly died again a few years later after a minor procedure. I then became depressed. Our marriage ended.
When I felt overwhelmed with anxiety I had a need to run--anywhere--and your wife may be feeling the same. From my experience, it is usually not one thing that sends you over the edge, it's the accumulation of many things. With each new stressor, a glass fills a little more, until there comes a time when it can't hold the water any more and it overflows.
Don't make any major decisions while you are in this 'space'. Yes, see a lawyer or an accountant and let them give you some good advice, but don't make any rash decisions.
Do things that make you happy. Meditation helps--it provides a space between you and your thoughts. If you feel really stressed, concentrate on taking one breath at a time.
It helped me to be thankful for even the small things eg. the ability to take my child to buy a book or cook them a meal. Sometimes your only reason for getting out of bed might be your son. But that's okay. It might feel as though you are just going through the motions of life, but in time you will be proud of yourself for being there for him. A mother's natural instinct is to be there for her children, so your wife must be suffering too at this point.
People told me it would take two years. But I found the three year mark when I finally felt positive about the future. Remember: everything changes.
People say that stresses in a marriage bring you closer, but often they drive you apart. We had our fair share: husband sustaining a brain injury in his thirties with a low chance of survival. I never really recovered from the fright of that. I fought with the hospital like hell to keep him alive. That was more stressful than his accident. He recovered for the most part. He then nearly died again a few years later after a minor procedure. I then became depressed. Our marriage ended.
When I felt overwhelmed with anxiety I had a need to run--anywhere--and your wife may be feeling the same. From my experience, it is usually not one thing that sends you over the edge, it's the accumulation of many things. With each new stressor, a glass fills a little more, until there comes a time when it can't hold the water any more and it overflows.
Don't make any major decisions while you are in this 'space'. Yes, see a lawyer or an accountant and let them give you some good advice, but don't make any rash decisions.
Do things that make you happy. Meditation helps--it provides a space between you and your thoughts. If you feel really stressed, concentrate on taking one breath at a time.
It helped me to be thankful for even the small things eg. the ability to take my child to buy a book or cook them a meal. Sometimes your only reason for getting out of bed might be your son. But that's okay. It might feel as though you are just going through the motions of life, but in time you will be proud of yourself for being there for him. A mother's natural instinct is to be there for her children, so your wife must be suffering too at this point.
People told me it would take two years. But I found the three year mark when I finally felt positive about the future. Remember: everything changes.
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