Marriage in trouble

[Missvee]

Hi, you have a goldmine of answers in here. i hope these have eased your troubled mind. If you're marriage is worth rescuing then do whatever it takes and be READY to do a lot of work - with loads of humility i may add. Forget the internet friend and focus on the marriage. Take yourself back 10 - 11 years ago when you met your wife. What was it that attracted you to her. Any fun memories together? Feel these again - it will give you warmth and smile.

with the day to day distractions it is easy to grow apart from partners without realising it. Have a goal together as a couple, as a family, and talk about it every now and then because without it it's just like living day in day out until you get bored and then you look for new activities, 'new' friendships and so on.

could i suggest a powerful exercise.

Once per week or fortnight, go for a walk with your partner and ask this question.

"What one thing would you like me to start, stop, do more of or do less
of in our relationship? Then shut up.

You must let the other person talk without you butting in, or fear of
attack. You must bite your tongue, you cannot explain or defend, your
job is only to listen till they have finished. This could be a long or a
short process and one of the most revealing things you could ever do.

When they are finished, it's their turn to ask you.

Write down each of your respones on a scrap of paper that both of you will keep forever and refer to it every now and then. You will be amazed. It will give you a 'Wake Up' call and the fuel to launch new goals, new directions as husband and wife.'

Desire to fix it and you will get results.

All the best.

 

[reallyconfused]

Well, what can I say, what a fantastic respones but i knew that would happen, that is what the Somersoft community do for others

My parents divorced when i was 3 yo, i have a brother and a sister. It was a nasty breakup, they still don't speak, its been 37 years.

Maybe, you are thinking like father like son? My dad took off with some lady and has been married ever since.

I am not like him, i don't really like him, not for splitting up with mum but for the way he has treated his 3 kids.

I have always thought, when i get married, there is no way mine will end up like my parents marriage, well here i am.....................

I love my kids with all of my heart. Why am i on this forum, to give them a a great start in life.

I would do anything for my kids, don't you think i have tried ?

She has no interest in any thing we do. I said we should start doing things together again, she straight away goes on the defensive.

There are days when i come home, get kids in bed early, sit back with wine and cheese.........and then we retire for a great night.

But that sort of night is rare..............and it is always up to me to get the ball rolling.

Most of the time, i don't like her............i care for her.................but it is so hard.

more later........................

Thank you so much again for the response,

RC

 

[Spectre]

RC

At the end of they day everyone will give you an opinion so heres mine.

My thinking is take your computer, and hock it or smash it up and throw it in the bin - forget the somersoft and forget yahoo chatting Or cancel the internet. talking to people about how did you earn a million dollars isnt going to help anything as money's the last of your problems right now.

You can get a new computer but sitting in front of it (and your wife by the same token doing the same thing) isnt going to help anything. So get rid of the computer and turn the tv off at night and talk about things and get it out in the air.

End of the day you both have to be true to yourselves and (while I'm sure this will sound very crass - sorry) if it means moving on then move on. Life is tooo short and sitting in a relationship that sucks for the rest of your life isnt worth it.

 

[Easton]

I agree, there could be much more to try before tossing in the towel. Maybe you should do a fresh restart instead of band aiding the situation by treating it like a fresh relationship and going on a holiday or something. In time she'll get over the internet chatting phase. PLEASE don't lose the marriage over people from the net, protect yourself AND her from ever making that mistake.

 

[Brenda Irwin]

I think from time to time we all get disillusioned with our partners. The romance fades a bit and you get on with everyday mundane life.

The solution for me is I look back on why I married my partner in the first place. What qualities does he have which I admire and made me want to spend the rest of my life with only him? It usually does the trick for me as those qualities important to me are still in him.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is my own selfishness. I love to get my own way, but I have to remind myself to respect my partner and realize what I want is not necessarily the same thing he wants.

I am also mindful that children are second in the relationship. My children will grow up and leave home one day and my partner will still be my number one.

 

[Pushka]

Life is tooo short and sitting in a relationship that sucks for the rest of your life isnt worth it.

Maybe, but that gives no consideration to the children, at all! Divorce sucks, for them.

 

[natmarie73]

But is it better for them to live in a family where both parents are unhappy and cheating on each other? Yes divorce sucks, but two parents who hate each other and stay together is probably worse.

 

[Pushka]

Has it got to the hate stage yet though? Sometimes I think people just give up too easily when it could be turned around if repairing the relationship became the priority, as opposed to doing things that destroy it. To be honest, unless there is out and out acrimony then I think kids would much prefer to have their parents together. And that is out of the mouth of my kids, who are now all grown up!

 

[Spectre]

Like I said, end of the day you have to be true to yourself. But so does the partner.

To put it this way... I met wayne bennett (all hail wayne bennett) about a year ago. This was before brisbane won the final. Wayne had a vision for the club. This vision was to be the premiers. In achieving the vision, there were more or less rules everyone had to follow, these included obviously fitness but also revloved around behaviour off the field as well.

So when you had the 2 guys get busted for the alcohol thing, this didnt fit into Bennetts' vision at all... andnot only because he doesnt like grog much

Now these 2 players liked the thought of the vision and winning the premiership but they didnt really follow Waynes vision, and at the end of the day, their actions in going against things brought a lot of butt covering to the broncos for a ton of reasons but also really showed everyone how they truly were.

In truth, I dont think these guys could follow the vision, and I dont think they did either, nor did Bennett so the contracts were terminated.

Now I'm not telling RC to go to his wife and take the same line by any stretch, but I think there are boundaries and yes there will be ramifications to your actions which you need to consider, and you need to be honest with yourself as to whether or not you can live with these.

 

[Miss V]

Before giving up, there were some great tips in last sunday's courier mail about putting the heat back into a relationship. Some examples are:

get your adrenalin pumping - seek out adventures together that will give you an adrenaline rush, as this mimics the first flushes of love,

Find what you love doing together - In a survey.... most couples cited lack of time together as the primary cause of unhappiness in their relationship.

Start dating - It may seem like a cliche, but scheduling a date once a week can really change you relationship

Show your appreciation - Being taken for granted is one of the biggest complaints from people in long term relationships.

These are just exerts from some of the examples.

Above all, I think being honest - TOTALLY honest, with each other is vital. You have nothing to lose at this stage.

I hope it all works out for you

Cheers

V

 

[agent007]

. No one wins in divorce.

Solicitors do!

 

[Spectre]

I'd imagine they might make a few bucks out of it, but at the same time I wouldnt want their job. Their house and their loan maybe but not the job.

 

[Xenia]

Families are SO important in society!
Focusing on raising kids in a stable family environment is providing them with confidence, love and skills they will gain no where else.

Child abuse increases when marriages break up! No one will treat children better than their natural parents.

Higher divorce rates, unstable family environments, lack of moral values and lack of personal integrity contribute to bringing up unbalanced children.

You either provide a good home for your kids or build more prisons!

I appologise for sounding harsh but I strongly believe that marriages are important and forever! I also strongly believe in ethics and a good family environment.

If you are "out of love" with your wife, then get back "in love" with her, it's just a choice. Consider the consequences, nothing majical is going to happen by being with another person. You will again be in another relationship and one where they are not as commited to your kids as the current one!

I sincerly hope you can work things out!

 

[kingchevy]

Families are SO important in society!
Focusing on raising kids in a stable family environment is providing them with confidence, love and skills they will gain no where else.

Child abuse increases when marriages break up! No one will treat children better than their natural parents.

Higher divorce rates, unstable family environments, lack of moral values and lack of personal integrity contribute to bringing up unbalanced children.

You either provide a good home for your kids or build more prisons!

I appologise for sounding harsh but I strongly believe that marriages are important and forever! I also strongly believe in ethics and a good family environment.

If you are "out of love" with your wife, then get back "in love" with her, it's just a choice. Consider the consequences, nothing majical is going to happen by being with another person. You will again be in another relationship and one where they are not as commited to your kids as the current one!

I sincerly hope you can work things out!

wow very moving words there and 100 per cent true!!!

 

[duncan_m]

Marriage often sucks.. I dont know why we get so hung up on it.. if she's off chat-f**c**g guys on the internet its time for you to get the hell out of there.. Kids survive, they dont have the lasting scars that the feminazi's would have you believe result from Divorce.. They can even thrive..

She's obviously lost all respect for you and its time for you to do the same.. negotiate, if possible, an amicable custody agreement and either boot her out if possible or leave yourself.. LIfe's too short to be stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage with a woman who's slutting herself on the internet.

 

[duncan_m]

Child abuse increases when marriages break up! No one will treat children better than their natural parents.

Where's your source and evidence? Here's some more unsourced, unsubtantiated, unproveable rehtoric in the same vein as yours.. "Kids thrive after divorce occurs in loveless marriages".

 

[duncan_m]

Before giving up, there were some great tips in last sunday's courier mail about putting the heat back into a relationship. Some examples

Blah blah blah.. usual garbage.. if you REALLY want some marriage advice.. check this article out by Nirpal Dhaliwal.. much more realistic than walking on the beach at sunset.. puke..

 

[Pushka]

Yes Xenia, cant cop that bit about 'natural parents' - my kids are adopted and they are doing just fine!

 

[reallyconfused]

Child abuse increases when marriages break up! No one will treat children better than their natural parents.

Higher divorce rates, unstable family environments, lack of moral values and lack of personal integrity contribute to bringing up unbalanced children.

You either provide a good home for your kids or build more prisons!

You are kidding me aren't you ???

All people that live in NSW a drunks because they have more pubs Not true I am sure.

Look, I thank you so much for your time you have taken to responed to my issue but I can't agree.

Cheers

RC

 

[reallyconfused]

Marriage often sucks.. I dont know why we get so hung up on it.. if she's off chat-f**c**g guys on the internet its time for you to get the hell out of there.. Kids survive, they dont have the lasting scars that the feminazi's would have you believe result from Divorce.. They can even thrive..

She's obviously lost all respect for you and its time for you to do the same.. negotiate, if possible, an amicable custody agreement and either boot her out if possible or leave yourself.. LIfe's too short to be stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage with a woman who's slutting herself on the internet.

Tough stance, thanks for your honesty. Its nice to hear from someone from the "other" side of the coin,

RC