Marriage in trouble

[natmarie73]

Nat, you mustn't have equal rights to work, otherwise the family court wouldn't need to strip men inequitably of assets, on the basis that the wife hasn't the same income earning potential.

Right –noun 18. a just claim or title, whether legal, prescriptive, or moral:
Potential –adjective 1. possible, as opposed to actual:

Different income earning potential is not the same as not having the right to work. Unlike only 30 or 40 years ago, no one can say that a woman does not have the right to work. For example if a woman wants to work, she is allowed to get a job, and no one is legally allowed to prevent it.

Some women may not be able to earn as much as their partners, but we do have the right to work - see again my comment on equal pay for equal work.

Grammar lesson over now, but maybe you can explain why so many (not all of course) men begrudge every red cent their ex gets in settlement when she has to raise the kids after the divorce. If I had children, I would want them to have the best that I could afford even after a seperation, but from your above comment and various posts by others regarding the splitting of assets it sounds like some blokes don't want to contribute financially to their children's lives once the relationship is over in order to spite their ex's.

I do agree that men come out badly in custody hearings though, I always feel sad for the guys who really want to be a part of their kids lives but the woman dosn't allow it. Not fair to the kids either. I reckon a lot of blokes hang around in loveless marriages just so they can continue to be with the kids.

 

[outbackjack]

I reckon a lot of blokes hang around in loveless marriages just so they can continue

Pick me, although I am not married.

I am all for supporting my children, what I am not for is the various government agencies how I should do it.
I have two other children from a previous marriage, I was asked to attend court to review the maintance I was paying, assets I had etc. Outside the court, the new boyfriend bluntly told " we want a new 4wd and you will be paying for it". I think there should be something where the caring parent who is getting the maintenance be able to show the money has gone to the children

Sorry to hijack the original post. I think if you’re partner chatting online etc. Well I think the only questions is do you want to spend time with your kids and put up with it or make a clean break.

 

[reallyconfused]

Hi Guys and Girls,

I broke it off with the internet girl today. I must say that i was (am) very fond of her. We have been video chatting (skype) for about two months. So we knew what each other looked and sounded like. We also spoke on the phone a fair bit.

What made me break it off, many many things but the biggest thing was the love for my 4 kids, they are my world....................and i would do anything for them. Some people might disagree with why i have done it but would agree, it was the best thing to do.

Geeez, it hurt like hell to tell her today but now i feel that i have a weight off my shoulders.

I feel free again to love my wife.......not that i do yet.

Have i told my wife about all this, no. Will i, no. Should i? yes

We have spoken about being closer, doing more things together, it will all take time. I don't think she can see a problem...........

How can i trust her again? Don't get me wrong, i have done wrong too...........

For these last two months, i have just been thinking about "internet girl" and i have forgotten all about my family.

But I am back now...............just need to stay focused, if that makes sense.

Will let you guys now how things are going,

Thanks once again for all the advice

RC

 

[johnnyb]

I haven't read all (or most) of the posts in this thread, so apologies if I'm repeating what someone has said, but I always remember something that I read in "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey.

Covey narrates the story of a man who came up to him after his seminar and confessed that he and his wife didn't love each other any more, and they were worried about the effect on their children. Covey told him: "Love her." The man said that the love wasn't there. Responded Covey: "Love is a verb. Love, the feeling, is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do all that?"

I'm not sure if this works in reality, but from your last post it sounds like it could be where you are at now.

And the first line from Massive Attack's song, Teardrop:
"Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word"

Take care.

John.

 

[GreenTreeFrog]

I admire your decision and action reallyconfused.

 

[wylie]

When you said a few posts back "I don't think she can see a problem.... " did you mean she can't see a problem making a true effort to reconnect or did you mean she can't see there is a problem with her internet activities and your relationship problems in general?

Either way, I would be seeing someone from Relationships Australia, alone if she won't go, but preferably together. Be aware that all therapists are different. One friend went with her husband to a therapist and the therapist suggested they split so he could pursue his other relationship

They had to shop around to find someone they felt comfortable and who had the same values as they did. They ended up seeing different therapists as they had split by then, but they both went along to help them through a really tough time.

Now you have given up "internet girl" has your wife given up her "internet guys". If not, that is what I would be working on next.

Well done so far, keep on going. Hope it works out.

Wylie

 

[lizzie]

"Love is a verb."

totally agree - love is a "doing word" not a passive word. i fear that to often people mix up love with lust and then are forever seeking that flame of passion that ignites for the first 6-12 months of any relationship.

that is not love. love is being, doing, having, sharing - contentment in each other's company, feeling comfortable enough to entrust your insecurity to the other person.

a wise man once said - "the best gift you can give your children is to love their mother". i like that.

 

[Missvee]

Well done really-confused. Now it's going to be a tough ride for both of you. you will need good friends to support you and your decision, and when it gets all too hard - just remember why you are doing it - for your kids - your FAMILY.

Relationships Australia is a must. both of you should go. it will help stablelise your relationship. The Relationsips Officer gives you both the opportunity to speak and directs you to a straight road if the Officer thinks you or her is off course.

all the best.

 

[Francesco]

Reallyconfused

Good on you for giving it a try. It will open up a new stage in your marriage.

 

[Kevin Hockey]

It's going to be a long road to where you want to be. Your wife will need to have the same goals as you so keep talking. Well done and Good luck...

Kev
www.gogecko.com.au

 

[monoply]

I agree. Love is a doing word. Love is also a choice. Things are not always plain sailing, and as mentioned the grass is always greener on the other side. Sometimes you have to choose to love someone, rather than doing the same thing day in day out, and drifting apart.

People seem to get up and say wedding vows, and then forget all about them.
My wedding vows said "till death do us part".

I know I intend to keep the vows I made. I know my wife will keep the vows she made.

 

[kathryn d]

IMHO that isn't the question here.
Anyone can stay in a marriage. The question , I think, when do you know when it is time to leave the relationship.
That's a personal answer for everyone.Why would anyone want to stay in a marriage when the love and trust has gone?Caring for the well being of a partner and loving them are different.

 

[Kevin Hockey]

Not to mention Respect......which I rate higher than Love.

Kev
www.gogecko.com.au

 

[paulie]

Hi reallyconfused,

Whilst having been plagued with doubts at various stages of my flegling marriage, 5 years married and a 3 yr old daughter, whilst in no position to know what you should do i think i can sort of relate.

so here goes at my 2 cents

You should cut the crap and the double speak in your thinking (and your posts), and talk to the misses about your fears and speak your truth about who you are, and where you are at, what you want outta life and your family and your wife.

The whole truth and nothing but the truth is the only thing that will allow your wife to love you again, and i think if your wife could be in love with you, you might just fall back in love with her.

I think you know you need something in this marriage to believe in, so make it your truth that is real, honest and unyielding.

good luck



paulie

 

[BV]

Reallyconfused
Chatting after a while becomes very addictive so
IMHO any misbehaving while an addict should be forgiven.

If you control your internet activity, most of your problems will go away.
I found that a good way to control internet activity is to share a computer
and to place it in a very busy room, so that others can see what you type on the PC
and also you won't be logged on all day as the next person would want to use it.

Ofcource if your wife is not working you will need to help her out by blocking internet usage
during the day when she is at home.
There are programs that will do all this for you.
Also, if she wants to talk to her mum etc, get her a VOIP phone and let her talk all day....
Good luck with it all and congratulations on your decision.
Cheers
Bill