Agreed.
I think it takes some courage to find out where you stand. You might not get the answer you want. But there comes a time you must either move on together or seperately. Preferably together of course.
Marriage in Trouble
- Thread starter ice
- Start date
Agreed.
I think it takes some courage to find out where you stand. You might not get the answer you want. But there comes a time you must either move on together or seperately. Preferably together of course.
i agree with the comment that you have to be a whole person within yourself before you can bring anything to the relationship. being needy, dependant or having low self esteem that you expect your partner to bolster up will only drive them away.
hubby and i have been together only ten years, but i learnt heaps from my previous 10 year relationship too.
we have our own friends, our own interests, our own work and outlets and don't question each other on these - although we do share the experiences over dinner. we also have things we do together - some i can take or leave and some he can take or leave ... but we compromise to do them together and make each other happy ... and some we enjoy together.
an example of this is that hubby love sailing. i can take or leave it but he really loves for me and junior to come along. we went out yesterday afternoon and were sleeping on board. so i gave him what he needed by going sailing and stay overnight, and he gave me what i needed by taking us out to dinner at a nice lakeside restaurant instead of expecting me to cook. we both got something out of the experience we both wanted, so all is happy.
so, you need to find out what the other person wants in a relationship. this is vital. don't be giving the other person what "you" need, and expect them to be grateful, then get resentful because they don't give it back. you need to give the other person what "they" need.
the saying - treat others as you want to be treated - is soooooo wrong. the saying needs to be - treat others how "they" want to be treated.
for example ... i enjoy companionship, hubby likes to be left alone, so at the end of the day we will spend some time together and then i leave him alone to fall asleep in front of the tele.
hubby needs to "do" things for me - so he renovates and fixes my car and cleans up after the dog etc. him doing things for me doesn't excite me at all, but i understand that is how he needs to contribute to the relationship so i always express my gratitute - even if i couldn't care less.
i need to freedom and independence, so i hubby shows an interest in what i am doing (property, friends, day trips etc) but he doesn't question or place any restrictions on what i do - financial trust is also involved here.
by giving the other person what they need puts deposits in, what i like to call, their emotional bank. withdrawls (giving back) cannot be made if the emotional bank is empty - so both parties need to deposit in the bank of the other if they want to get anything back.
also, it may be that after the kids have now grown up and left, you need to rediscover some interest in common.
so, the secret is (imo) to be a whole person within yourself, have your own life and your life together, and give to the other person what "they" need out of the relationship - even if it not what you need.
hope this helps.
hubby and i have been together only ten years, but i learnt heaps from my previous 10 year relationship too.
we have our own friends, our own interests, our own work and outlets and don't question each other on these - although we do share the experiences over dinner. we also have things we do together - some i can take or leave and some he can take or leave ... but we compromise to do them together and make each other happy ... and some we enjoy together.
an example of this is that hubby love sailing. i can take or leave it but he really loves for me and junior to come along. we went out yesterday afternoon and were sleeping on board. so i gave him what he needed by going sailing and stay overnight, and he gave me what i needed by taking us out to dinner at a nice lakeside restaurant instead of expecting me to cook. we both got something out of the experience we both wanted, so all is happy.
so, you need to find out what the other person wants in a relationship. this is vital. don't be giving the other person what "you" need, and expect them to be grateful, then get resentful because they don't give it back. you need to give the other person what "they" need.
the saying - treat others as you want to be treated - is soooooo wrong. the saying needs to be - treat others how "they" want to be treated.
for example ... i enjoy companionship, hubby likes to be left alone, so at the end of the day we will spend some time together and then i leave him alone to fall asleep in front of the tele.
hubby needs to "do" things for me - so he renovates and fixes my car and cleans up after the dog etc. him doing things for me doesn't excite me at all, but i understand that is how he needs to contribute to the relationship so i always express my gratitute - even if i couldn't care less.
i need to freedom and independence, so i hubby shows an interest in what i am doing (property, friends, day trips etc) but he doesn't question or place any restrictions on what i do - financial trust is also involved here.
by giving the other person what they need puts deposits in, what i like to call, their emotional bank. withdrawls (giving back) cannot be made if the emotional bank is empty - so both parties need to deposit in the bank of the other if they want to get anything back.
also, it may be that after the kids have now grown up and left, you need to rediscover some interest in common.
so, the secret is (imo) to be a whole person within yourself, have your own life and your life together, and give to the other person what "they" need out of the relationship - even if it not what you need.
hope this helps.
Im sorry to hear about your situation but when its time to go, its time to go,
I just recently split with my missus too, its hard to do, mainly because its all you know and even if youre in pain emotionally, its still a comfortable situation so its easier to just stay, get out there and do it, I just decided to move into a friends place for a few days to see how it went, havent been back since, its just that initial step beyond your regular comfort zone, there are plenty opportunities out there, its been fun, very fun!..
Its all about the initial step out, try to make it easy on yourself.
I just recently split with my missus too, its hard to do, mainly because its all you know and even if youre in pain emotionally, its still a comfortable situation so its easier to just stay, get out there and do it, I just decided to move into a friends place for a few days to see how it went, havent been back since, its just that initial step beyond your regular comfort zone, there are plenty opportunities out there, its been fun, very fun!..
Its all about the initial step out, try to make it easy on yourself.
I can't believe that you advising someone who is in a long term relationship to just up & go. If you read the thread, Ice mentioned that she didn't want to separate, but was looking at ways to hold onto what is there.
Maybe she is having a midlife crisis & just needs a break.
Maybe he is.
Maybe the kids are adding extra stress which can be relived when they move out of home.
Maybe the relationship can't be salvaged, who knows, but I think you would at least make the effort.
A marriage should not be something that is easily disposable. When you marry you promise to stay together "till death do you part", not "till something better shows up" or at least you used to. Sure it takes both parties effort to make things work, but if you just throw in the towel whenever things are not going smoothly, will you ever be truely happy.
Yea true Skater but it just seems like a lost cause to me, I dont want to sound negative or anything but this is my opinion, once the fire has burned out then it just cant be rekindled again IMO, Its like trying to change someone, you shouldnt have to change someone to suit your own needs and or liking, yes some people have been known to have a miraculous rekindling but how often does that happen?
Marriage should be forever but as you know, over 50% of marriages these days fail, be careful who you marry is all I can say!
Its a sad story and unfortunately this happens way too often.
Yes I agree its best to try and sort things out but its an even better idea to marry the right person, although its hard to know isnt it.. totally off topic, I find it hilarious when a couple tie the knot within a few years or even months of meeting each other, whats up with that!
over 50% of marriages these days fail, be careful who you marry is all I can say!
But that is just my point. 50% of marriages fail these days. Why do more fail now than in the past? Because too many people marry with the "throw in the towel mentality, that it seems you have.
A couple that has been together for 20 years do not have the "throw in the towel" mentality or else they would have parted long ago. All relationships suffer ups & downs, sometimes they can go on for a long time, but if both of the couple are committed to each other, these can often be worked through. The crucial point is that BOTH partners have to feel that the marriage is worth saving.
Seems 17 years is easy enough to walk away from
I know, Simon, but I did say that BOTH need to be committed. Unfortunately, only one in yours was. Glad that you can move on though.
It appears that Ice wants a different outcome to yours, & I feel that we need to respect that.
Yes I like the way you think Skater, but sometimes people grow out of each other, Im not saying this is the case in the original example but why lead a miserable life when you could be happy?
these things can and do happen to people from all walks of life, dont get me wrong, Im a lover boy in real life and am awaiting mre right but Im not prepared to settle for just anyone, Im also enjoying the single life, after all, we were all born alone and dont need anyone to survive and enjoy life to its fullest as nature intended it to be.
People think differently and I can definitely see your point and good on you for sharing it with us, I respect that.
Hi Ice
From what you are saying is that you are now effectively "empty nesters" and you have turned to each other and wondered where all the magic went.
Some of what you are experiencng may just be normal for your stage of the journey.
The challenges faced by parents experiencing empty nest syndrome include:
Establishing a new kind of relationship with their adult children.
Becoming a couple again, after years of sharing the home with children.
Filling the void in the daily routine created by absent children.
Lack of sympathy or understanding from others, who consider children moving out to be a normal, healthy event.
I think it would be easy to blame this feeling on the oher partner while much of it originates from within yourself.
If I were you (Which I am clearly not) I would begin by rediscovering who YOU are. Reignite old interests, old friends that may have fallen by the wayside. Initiate a trip? Do you enjoy your own company? Are you enjoyable company for others? I think its so easy to focus on the other person's faults but actually we can bring about really powerful change if we adjust our own thinking and behaviours. And the good news is that while you have been focusing on yourself you will bring about indirect change in the other person.
Then again I may have just misinterpreted the entire situation
You know, I think you are right. The kids are always busy nowadays & I find I have to continually entertain the "big kid", when the things that he wants to do, I find boring.
Dear Ice,
1. Start to fall in love unconditionally with yourself and with your spouse again!. Re-discover the spark that has once ignited your own love life and romance.
2. Go and attend some marriage encounter programme/seminars together so as to re-charge your marriage and love life again together with your own spouse. Trying holding hands again, hugging one another or/and go social dancing together with your spouse etc.
3. Remember that you are no longer the same person that you once was some 20-30 years ago;- neither is your spouse. It is now time to re-discover our new selves as well as the new person in our own spouse as he/she truly is today, and where neccessary, to re-create the new fun and excitement and to fall in love again with the newly re-discovered new "self" and re-ignite some new romances/hobby together and developing a new sense of adventure and excitement growing up further with one another.
Cheers,
Kenneth KOH
1. Start to fall in love unconditionally with yourself and with your spouse again!. Re-discover the spark that has once ignited your own love life and romance.
2. Go and attend some marriage encounter programme/seminars together so as to re-charge your marriage and love life again together with your own spouse. Trying holding hands again, hugging one another or/and go social dancing together with your spouse etc.
3. Remember that you are no longer the same person that you once was some 20-30 years ago;- neither is your spouse. It is now time to re-discover our new selves as well as the new person in our own spouse as he/she truly is today, and where neccessary, to re-create the new fun and excitement and to fall in love again with the newly re-discovered new "self" and re-ignite some new romances/hobby together and developing a new sense of adventure and excitement growing up further with one another.
Cheers,
Kenneth KOH
I also agree you have to be very careful about getting married and choosing your marriage partner. I recently read that if you get married today, there is a 60% chance that your marriage will fail. And if its your second marriage, the odds are higher. I've also heard the danger periods when marriages statistically fail more frequently are:
between 3-5 years
between 5-7 years
If you've been married over 10 years, there's a good chance your marriage will last but look out for the 12 year period which is also a statistic danger period for marriages.
As i get older, i've come to realise that getting married and having kids is not a priority for me anymore..... maybe i'll have kids one day to some lucky lady, but i don't think i'll ever get married. Being a guy is good because i don't have a biological clock ticking and i can still have kids when i'm 40-50yo with my 25-30yo partner.... if i was inclined
I think you can have a committed relationship with someone without getting 'married' . Being selfish for a minute, but i'd have to make a lot of sacrifices if i decided to get married and i'm not sure i want to do that right now.
between 3-5 years
between 5-7 years
If you've been married over 10 years, there's a good chance your marriage will last but look out for the 12 year period which is also a statistic danger period for marriages.
As i get older, i've come to realise that getting married and having kids is not a priority for me anymore..... maybe i'll have kids one day to some lucky lady, but i don't think i'll ever get married. Being a guy is good because i don't have a biological clock ticking and i can still have kids when i'm 40-50yo with my 25-30yo partner.... if i was inclined
I think you can have a committed relationship with someone without getting 'married' . Being selfish for a minute, but i'd have to make a lot of sacrifices if i decided to get married and i'm not sure i want to do that right now.
So Nomadic you don't feel that children require a commitment? Surely children are a greater committment than marriage?
I also agree you have to be very careful about getting married and choosing your marriage partner. I recently read that if you get married today, there is a 60% chance that your marriage will fail. And if its your second marriage, the odds are higher. I've also heard the danger periods when marriages statistically fail more frequently are:
between 3-5 years
between 5-7 years
If you've been married over 10 years, there's a good chance your marriage will last but look out for the 12 year period which is also a statistic danger period for marriages.
As i get older, i've come to realise that getting married and having kids is not a priority for me anymore..... maybe i'll have kids one day to some lucky lady, but i don't think i'll ever get married. Being a guy is good because i don't have a biological clock ticking and i can still have kids when i'm 40-50yo with my 25-30yo partner.... if i was inclined
I think you can have a committed relationship with someone without getting 'married' . Being selfish for a minute, but i'd have to make a lot of sacrifices if i decided to get married and i'm not sure i want to do that right now.
I think you need to discuss the issues with your husband. It just sounds like a communication breakdown? then the next step would be to attend a marriage enrichment course together. It's really important to have a third person perspective on the issues otherwise it will always just be his word againts your word and the issues will not be resolved, especially if you are both stubborn people.
When we went to ME (marriage enrichment), I noticed that there was really never a fault on either one of us...it's just that we looked at things in different perspective....and could never agree. But having a third person or a group really did help to put things into perspective...and it was really good just to know that we are not alone...the issues were very common in a marriage. The one thing that we took away with us was knowing that no marriages are perfect...it's always the case of the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence. Also, if we decided to leave for someone else then it's just a case of swapping one set of problems for another set rather than working through our problems together and preserving and cherishing all the wonderful years we've had together.
But what impacted us the most was realizing that our issues were not serious and easy to resolve yet we dragged it out...compared to other realationships..
and it sounds like your issues are quite common too. I mean he's not abusing you, using violence, having an affair, alcoholic, drug addict, criminal etc
if it's about nothing in common, not being appreciated etc a lot of it is men are from mars women are from venus thing. Like Lizzie, I've learnt to give him what he needs and he does the same for me...sometimes they or we forget and it's just as easy as reminding him....watching the wed video, photos, reminding him the vowels etc and yes...if it all gets too much then maybe take a short break to give yourself some breathing space and time to think about your life.
It's really important to have individual goals as well as family goals and to support and encourage each other. If my husband is happy at work then chances are he will be happy at home. Basically, you need to be happy with yourself first.
If it's a confidence issue then a new haircut, appt with a stylist and a generous limit shopping spree for a new wardrobe and take up a new course really helps
another thing I learnt is never compare my relationship with others and not have any expectations because they are my expectations and I shouldn't have any because how would i feel if I didn't meet his expectations of me.
We don't want our children to be the center of our relationship...rather to incorporate them into our family unit and lifestyle. So hubby and I still go on dates, take weekend breaks (not very often), have alone time and we are openly affectionate, hold hands, etc etc Hopefully, if we can keep thi sup for the next 18 yrs, the empty nest syndrome won't hit me too hard!!
You should be excited about the next phase of your life, more time alone with your husband, you could find a common interest, and really look forward to growing old together.
We just bought a Nintendo Wii at Xmas and I absolutely can't stand video/pc games...anyway, the Wii is different and we both spend some time each night playing it together. It's hilarious. Another thing we have recently gotten into is Texas Hold Em Up Poker....we now hold occasional poker nights and also play on facebook.
When we went to ME (marriage enrichment), I noticed that there was really never a fault on either one of us...it's just that we looked at things in different perspective....and could never agree. But having a third person or a group really did help to put things into perspective...and it was really good just to know that we are not alone...the issues were very common in a marriage. The one thing that we took away with us was knowing that no marriages are perfect...it's always the case of the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence. Also, if we decided to leave for someone else then it's just a case of swapping one set of problems for another set rather than working through our problems together and preserving and cherishing all the wonderful years we've had together.
But what impacted us the most was realizing that our issues were not serious and easy to resolve yet we dragged it out...compared to other realationships..
and it sounds like your issues are quite common too. I mean he's not abusing you, using violence, having an affair, alcoholic, drug addict, criminal etc
if it's about nothing in common, not being appreciated etc a lot of it is men are from mars women are from venus thing. Like Lizzie, I've learnt to give him what he needs and he does the same for me...sometimes they or we forget and it's just as easy as reminding him....watching the wed video, photos, reminding him the vowels etc and yes...if it all gets too much then maybe take a short break to give yourself some breathing space and time to think about your life.
It's really important to have individual goals as well as family goals and to support and encourage each other. If my husband is happy at work then chances are he will be happy at home. Basically, you need to be happy with yourself first.
If it's a confidence issue then a new haircut, appt with a stylist and a generous limit shopping spree for a new wardrobe and take up a new course really helps
another thing I learnt is never compare my relationship with others and not have any expectations because they are my expectations and I shouldn't have any because how would i feel if I didn't meet his expectations of me.
We don't want our children to be the center of our relationship...rather to incorporate them into our family unit and lifestyle. So hubby and I still go on dates, take weekend breaks (not very often), have alone time and we are openly affectionate, hold hands, etc etc Hopefully, if we can keep thi sup for the next 18 yrs, the empty nest syndrome won't hit me too hard!!
You should be excited about the next phase of your life, more time alone with your husband, you could find a common interest, and really look forward to growing old together.
We just bought a Nintendo Wii at Xmas and I absolutely can't stand video/pc games...anyway, the Wii is different and we both spend some time each night playing it together. It's hilarious. Another thing we have recently gotten into is Texas Hold Em Up Poker....we now hold occasional poker nights and also play on facebook.
i'm not sure i understand your question.
of course children require a committment -- don't breed 'em if you can't feed 'em.... but it doesn't mean i have to be married to breed.
of course children require a committment -- don't breed 'em if you can't feed 'em.... but it doesn't mean i have to be married to breed.
of course you don't have to be married to be committed....but children do need a long term secure family environment (in whatever form that might take) to thrive and although things may not pan out that way in the end most people start with that ideal. I would think that if you believe marriage and the sacrifices are too great a sacrifice then being a father might come as a big shock (should you ever decide to go down that road) as it IS a lifetime commitment.
IMO....I wouldn't go so far as to say "of course"....but then I'm an old fuddy duddy when it comes to that sort of thing.
