The Most Surprising Regret Of The Very Old

[coastal]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a-pillemer-phd/how-to-stop-worrying-reduce-stress_b_2989589.html

Hi,

This is an excellent article about old mate fear and worrying. Puts into perspective.

 

[TingTong]

This article about the regrets of the dying is relevant..

Top five regrets of the dying

A nurse has recorded the most common regrets of the dying, and among the top ones is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'. What would your biggest regret be if this was your last day of life?

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

 

[MIW]

Yes,
A great article indeed.
It was sometime ago that someone communicated that to me too. Coming from and emotional worrying environment not everyone is blessed with cohesive and stable family unit thus we may have inherited these attributes whether we know it or not.
I was told in a slightly different way, "Say there's a war going on, so what are you worrying about? If you can do something about it then great, go and do it, etc... but if not then set half hour worrying about it and then move on (or let it go concept from the article I like better).
Also, I was told that what our mind will concentrate on what we think about. So if it's a problem than that's what it will be occupied with. Imagine you have a problem with your job and you know you could loose your job, so instead of focusing on all your problems as a result of that, we should be concentrating on the solutions.... The problem is then to realize that the solution will most likely require change and I think most of us, the older we get, the less likely we like change. So then I realised I need to embrace the change, the uncertainty. I will walk-through the worst scenario, say to myself that it's not the end of the world and even if I have to start again I will do it no matter what.
I have many challenges, and I believe ALL of us have them too, but once I change my thinking to think of a solution I find I deal much better with them....I just used this strategy on my hubby and it helped him too.
So again the mindset is very powerful but only through personal development was I able to change and to deal with any situation in a positive way. Even things out of our control, like health, we can deal with as we become so much more at peace.
Also, I am learning to be kinder, even to those I may disagree with as I realised we hold all different relevant values to US, so we should respect that, "JUST LET IT GO.......". I think the world would be such a nicer place if somehow we could all respect that.....

 

[weg]

I would think most have a bit of an idea of what they want or wish for in life well before they die and CHOOSE not to act - for whatever reasons.

It would be pretty sad if you did have a true light bulb moment before departing this earth but the chances are it would be of less significance if those things didn't worry you before.

Death would mostly highlight those things you already know.

Curious how far down the list 'I wish I made more money' is.

Surely some would hold onto that till the very end. Old habits die hard.

 

[BayView]

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits.

Nothing would make me happier than to spend all day playing golf, going on bike rides, paddling my wave ski, drinking wine on the deck looking at the view, playing with my kids in the pool...and never wash dishes.

It doesn't pay no bills, and I don't want to pretend to be happy living in a grass hut.

So we have to compromise between what makes us really happy and what we need/should do through life.

The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

Change - for most people - makes them unhappy/scared/stressed...

Moving house, moving job, changing spouse etc...are listed as the most stressful events in life (I agree).

So, most people don't, but then wish they had later...a bit like the person who is too scared to go on the rollercoaster at the theme park, then goes home wishing they had done it.

When we announced to our circle of friends and rellos we were moving to the USA for 3 years, almost everyone said; "God; I wish I could do that!", or "aren't you scared?" and so on.

There was no reason why none any of them couldn't do the same, and yes; we were terrified, but exhilarated at the same time - the rollercoaster rider.

 

[Richard Feynman]

I bet most of those elderly folk wish they'd seen this early in life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk

They're right though. Eliminate worry, enjoy each MOMENT of your life instead of letting it slip by as you cloud your mind with thoughts of the past or future and missing the now.

Grasping, and acting on this is the key to perpetual well-being, happiness, fulfilment and a deeply rich life.

 

[nhg]

I bet most of those elderly folk wish they'd seen this early in life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk

They're right though. Eliminate worry, enjoy each MOMENT of your life instead of letting it slip by as you cloud your mind with thoughts of the past or future and missing the now.

Grasping, and acting on this is the key to perpetual well-being, happiness, fulfilment and a deeply rich life.

Well the PRESENT is the only time you can ACT and change the direction of your life.

It sounds like they didn't do much 'living' at all if they were always dreaming of their past and future.

I meet so many people who wish they had 'started a business' or 'lived overseas'. They truly believe the world will implode if they take a year off work and give it a go.

 

[Player]

Well the PRESENT is the only time you can ACT and change the direction of your life.

It sounds like they didn't do much 'living' at all if they were always dreaming of their past and future.

I meet so many people who wish they had 'started a business' or 'lived overseas'. They truly believe the world will implode if they take a year off work and give it a go.

Yep. I have also heard through similar types of articles that many people on their death beds wished they had of taken more risks.

Of course there needs to be a little balance however tip toeing through life to arrive safely at one's grave isn't a recipe for living a life success or fulfilling one's purpose IMO.

Live every day...............

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

I bet most of those elderly folk wish they'd seen this early in life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3JzcCviNDk

That would mean they weren't so old now!

 

[nhg]

That would mean they weren't so old now!

Probably why they would wish they had seen it early in life...

 

[devank]

I meet so many people who wish they had 'started a business' or 'lived overseas'. They truly believe the world will implode if they take a year off work and give it a go.

How would you take that sort of risk if you have dependants?

Time to time I think about moving state. These are few factors stop me from moving.
- long time friends and family
- familiar social structure
- elderly parents
- finding suitable job

 

[nhg]

How would take that sort of risk if you have dependants?

My dad

Ran a business, lived in 4/5 countries ~10-20 years each.

He is also the no.1 obstacle when it comes to me doing the same.

 

[BayView]

Time to time I think about moving state. These are few factors stop me from moving.
- long time friends and family
- familiar social structure
- elderly parents
- finding suitable job

It's a consideration, but not a red light.

Your motivator is fear, and comfort level.

Nothing wrong with that, but you then can't get to the death bed and say "I wish...."

How would you take that sort of risk if you have dependants?

When we moved to the USA we had a 4 year old son, a PPoR and a handful of IP's. It was hard work getting ready to go over, and it was very scary until we settled in there, but it was the best thing in life we have ever done. The experience was priceless.

When we came back, I took a job in my golf life again for about 18 months - it was comfortable and easy, but the pay was very ordinary..

So, then we spent $430k of our hard-earned equity on buying a business in an industry I have absolutely no knowledge in.

We had a 1 year old as well by then.

Was there fear? Bloody oath.

Was there comfort level before? yes, but not necessarily happiness and contentment with work....

Still isn't.

Still looking.

I know one thing; I'd rather be scared, but exhilarated at the prospect of a new venture, than to be comfortable but not happy.

So, whaddya do?

Spend yer life wishing and regretting, but are comfortable, or have a crack at something that scares you but may be the answer to all your prayers?

 

[The Fence]

Time to time I think about moving state. These are few factors stop me from moving.
- long time friends and family
- familiar social structure
- elderly parents
- finding suitable job

- You will find new long time friends and possibly make some more family.
- simply replicate your familiar social structure in new location.
- the oldies will die off soon meantime you can visit often, im sure they would not want to stop you.
- plenty of jobs about, but you put in the disclaimer "suitable" which stops you in your tracks.

Turn it all around and look more favourably on the reasons why you are thinking about moving State. The world will not come to an end....and if by chance it does...well then, we are all in a pickle arent we?

 

[Terry_w]

Very interesting articles.

I wonder, has anyone here had a near death experience such as being in an accident and close to death, and if so, what went through your mind?

 

[The Fence]

Very interesting articles.

I wonder, has anyone here had a near death experience such as being in an accident and close to death, and if so, what went through your mind?

No not me but I know of a few and they all say the same thing as these oldies do.

Dont muck about wasting time as it's way too short.

Have a real red hot go at whatever you want and dont die wondering.

For me personally, it's like having a near death when one of your best friends dies young and the older I get the more folks drop off the perch just wakes me up to this reality each and every time.

Sometimes I think what Terry is saying needs to happen to people when they are getting way too worried about stuff.

 

[kathryn d]

Very interesting articles.

I wonder, has anyone here had a near death experience such as being in an accident and close to death, and if so, what went through your mind?

4 March 1982.
I was home alone and had just fixed myself supper, after getting home from work.
I started choking on my hotdog.
What raced thru my mind?
I had only a short time to dislodge it, or I would be unconsious, and then dead.
That event changed my life. I never eat hotdogs alone anymore.
I went from 118 lbs to 102..because I stopped eating.
It was very traumatic for me.
Never had a weight problem after that (I was always trying to lose 5 lbs previously)

 

[chindonly]

Great article - thanks Coastal.

It's true - problems will always be a little less tomorrow.

When facing major issues, I sometimes think: "When I look back on this in a few weeks/months/years, what will I remember - what will I feel about this situation?"

Usually, the answer is - very little! Definitely helps to stop excessive worrying and dwelling on things that are often out of our control.

 

[Spades]

4 March 1982.
I was home alone and had just fixed myself supper, after getting home from work.
I started choking on my hotdog.
What raced thru my mind?
I had only a short time to dislodge it, or I would be unconsious, and then dead.
That event changed my life. I never eat hotdogs alone anymore.
I went from 118 lbs to 102..because I stopped eating.
It was very traumatic for me.
Never had a weight problem after that (I was always trying to lose 5 lbs previously)

kathryn on another thread you mentioned you chewed 25 times before you swallow(i maybe(probably) wrong on the figure quoted?)I presume the above incident is why?

 

[kathryn d]

kathryn on another thread you mentioned you chewed 25 times before you swallow(i maybe(probably) wrong on the figure quoted?)I presume the above incident is why?

Wow,you remembered that?
Yes, that started it, before I even knew everyone is supposed to chew their food a lot.So something good did come out of that experience.

Many times I get tired of eating, before I really get full.
So I tend to eat a lot of little meals/snacks.