I know that many families don't have the happy Christmas as portrayed as being "normal" with families sitting round the well provisioned table, all cheerful and loving. I know that while my husband and children are happy as a unit, there is so much angst and family trouble in the past (on both my side of the family and his) that Christmas just doesn't cut it for me. Seeing the joyful, smiling faces everywhere just hits home for me that we never had that sort of Christmas as kids and it echoes down the years.
Brothers and sisters who are bitchy about each other during the year, sitting round a table pretending to like each other just makes my skin crawl.
I well remember some years shopping in the days prior to Christmas feeling so upset that if someone had spoken a word to me, I would have burst into tears. Yet all around me I would see happy people. I used to try to pick the people who were feeling brittle, like me.
All the problems seem to re-emerge around Christmas because of the expectation that an extended family will gather round the joyful table and get on together, which is a crock. Both families sit round and pretend that all is well, when in reality, I don't like some members any more just because it is Christmas day than on any other day. Siblings don't bother picking up a phone (including us) for a whole year and then pretend they are one big happy family. It feels like such a sham.
Because of the troubles in my family, my mother and I just try to "get through the day". To someone looking on, it would seem a "normal" Christmas lunch, but the issues that have been dealt with in the weeks prior take their toll and the best part of Christmas is often when it is over.
Friends have said we should go away for the Christmas season, but that just leaves my mother to deal with all the issues and I am her best support, so I don't want to leave her to deal with it on her own. My own children have said they don't like the lead up to Christmas because of the issues that come up regarding one of my siblings in particular and his nasty, manipulative ways and how he causes problems every year.
Of course, we could all say what we really think, but that won't help anything either, except to cause more angst. It is so true that you can choose your friends, but not your relatives, more's the pity.
I used to think my family and its problems were unusual, but the older I get, the more I realise we are not that unusual. There are a lot of family problems out there. We just get on with life, but the high expectations surrounding the Christmas season make it very hard.
A couple of years ago I was sent something called "Beat the Christmas Blues". It rang so true to me that I have retyped it below. It might help others to keep the season in perspective.
BEAT THE CHRISTMAS BLUES
Have realistic expectations
If your family doesn't get on brilliantly during the rest of the year, they are unlikely to get on well at Christmas. Accept that this is the way it is.
Challenge the belief that you must be happy at Christmas time
It's okay to treat it as just another day of the week.
Keep a flexible attitude
Nothing has to be a particular way.
Don't compare yourself to others
Everyone and everyone's family is different.
Don't assume that happy families are the norm
Many people don't have close family relationships, yet they still manage to be happy and get on with their lives.
Challenge irrational thoughts
Challenge "What's wrong with me?" or "Everyone is having a good time", or "I am missing out". People's experiences vary and there is no "standard" Christmas.
Acknowledge the good things
Appreciate what you have such as health, friendships, job, interests, holidays or a particular talent.
Accept the things that are beyond your control
Life events will not make you miserable unless you believe that you are hard done by and life shouldn't be this way. Remember, you can be perfectly happy, regardless of your family circumstances, as long as you learn to accept the situation.
May everyone have the best Christmas they can possibly have, whatever the circumstances.
Wylie.
Brothers and sisters who are bitchy about each other during the year, sitting round a table pretending to like each other just makes my skin crawl.
I well remember some years shopping in the days prior to Christmas feeling so upset that if someone had spoken a word to me, I would have burst into tears. Yet all around me I would see happy people. I used to try to pick the people who were feeling brittle, like me.
All the problems seem to re-emerge around Christmas because of the expectation that an extended family will gather round the joyful table and get on together, which is a crock. Both families sit round and pretend that all is well, when in reality, I don't like some members any more just because it is Christmas day than on any other day. Siblings don't bother picking up a phone (including us) for a whole year and then pretend they are one big happy family. It feels like such a sham.
Because of the troubles in my family, my mother and I just try to "get through the day". To someone looking on, it would seem a "normal" Christmas lunch, but the issues that have been dealt with in the weeks prior take their toll and the best part of Christmas is often when it is over.
Friends have said we should go away for the Christmas season, but that just leaves my mother to deal with all the issues and I am her best support, so I don't want to leave her to deal with it on her own. My own children have said they don't like the lead up to Christmas because of the issues that come up regarding one of my siblings in particular and his nasty, manipulative ways and how he causes problems every year.
Of course, we could all say what we really think, but that won't help anything either, except to cause more angst. It is so true that you can choose your friends, but not your relatives, more's the pity.
I used to think my family and its problems were unusual, but the older I get, the more I realise we are not that unusual. There are a lot of family problems out there. We just get on with life, but the high expectations surrounding the Christmas season make it very hard.
A couple of years ago I was sent something called "Beat the Christmas Blues". It rang so true to me that I have retyped it below. It might help others to keep the season in perspective.
BEAT THE CHRISTMAS BLUES
Have realistic expectations
If your family doesn't get on brilliantly during the rest of the year, they are unlikely to get on well at Christmas. Accept that this is the way it is.
Challenge the belief that you must be happy at Christmas time
It's okay to treat it as just another day of the week.
Keep a flexible attitude
Nothing has to be a particular way.
Don't compare yourself to others
Everyone and everyone's family is different.
Don't assume that happy families are the norm
Many people don't have close family relationships, yet they still manage to be happy and get on with their lives.
Challenge irrational thoughts
Challenge "What's wrong with me?" or "Everyone is having a good time", or "I am missing out". People's experiences vary and there is no "standard" Christmas.
Acknowledge the good things
Appreciate what you have such as health, friendships, job, interests, holidays or a particular talent.
Accept the things that are beyond your control
Life events will not make you miserable unless you believe that you are hard done by and life shouldn't be this way. Remember, you can be perfectly happy, regardless of your family circumstances, as long as you learn to accept the situation.
May everyone have the best Christmas they can possibly have, whatever the circumstances.
Wylie.