Beat The Christmas Blues

[wylie]

I know that many families don't have the happy Christmas as portrayed as being "normal" with families sitting round the well provisioned table, all cheerful and loving. I know that while my husband and children are happy as a unit, there is so much angst and family trouble in the past (on both my side of the family and his) that Christmas just doesn't cut it for me. Seeing the joyful, smiling faces everywhere just hits home for me that we never had that sort of Christmas as kids and it echoes down the years.

Brothers and sisters who are bitchy about each other during the year, sitting round a table pretending to like each other just makes my skin crawl.

I well remember some years shopping in the days prior to Christmas feeling so upset that if someone had spoken a word to me, I would have burst into tears. Yet all around me I would see happy people. I used to try to pick the people who were feeling brittle, like me.

All the problems seem to re-emerge around Christmas because of the expectation that an extended family will gather round the joyful table and get on together, which is a crock. Both families sit round and pretend that all is well, when in reality, I don't like some members any more just because it is Christmas day than on any other day. Siblings don't bother picking up a phone (including us) for a whole year and then pretend they are one big happy family. It feels like such a sham.

Because of the troubles in my family, my mother and I just try to "get through the day". To someone looking on, it would seem a "normal" Christmas lunch, but the issues that have been dealt with in the weeks prior take their toll and the best part of Christmas is often when it is over.

Friends have said we should go away for the Christmas season, but that just leaves my mother to deal with all the issues and I am her best support, so I don't want to leave her to deal with it on her own. My own children have said they don't like the lead up to Christmas because of the issues that come up regarding one of my siblings in particular and his nasty, manipulative ways and how he causes problems every year.

Of course, we could all say what we really think, but that won't help anything either, except to cause more angst. It is so true that you can choose your friends, but not your relatives, more's the pity.

I used to think my family and its problems were unusual, but the older I get, the more I realise we are not that unusual. There are a lot of family problems out there. We just get on with life, but the high expectations surrounding the Christmas season make it very hard.

A couple of years ago I was sent something called "Beat the Christmas Blues". It rang so true to me that I have retyped it below. It might help others to keep the season in perspective.

BEAT THE CHRISTMAS BLUES

Have realistic expectations
If your family doesn't get on brilliantly during the rest of the year, they are unlikely to get on well at Christmas. Accept that this is the way it is.

Challenge the belief that you must be happy at Christmas time
It's okay to treat it as just another day of the week.

Keep a flexible attitude
Nothing has to be a particular way.

Don't compare yourself to others
Everyone and everyone's family is different.

Don't assume that happy families are the norm
Many people don't have close family relationships, yet they still manage to be happy and get on with their lives.

Challenge irrational thoughts
Challenge "What's wrong with me?" or "Everyone is having a good time", or "I am missing out". People's experiences vary and there is no "standard" Christmas.

Acknowledge the good things
Appreciate what you have such as health, friendships, job, interests, holidays or a particular talent.

Accept the things that are beyond your control
Life events will not make you miserable unless you believe that you are hard done by and life shouldn't be this way. Remember, you can be perfectly happy, regardless of your family circumstances, as long as you learn to accept the situation.


May everyone have the best Christmas they can possibly have, whatever the circumstances.

Wylie.

 

[lissie]

Why not go away and take your mother with you? Our traditional Xmas never including my mother's family - it was a group of friends. Mum was that first of that group to die so after that I made sure I was away for several years and really enjoyed it. Since then I often travel at Xmas - its easier to get a flight on the day then before or after - last year we were in Hanoi for Xmas.
Make a new tradition for your kids

 

[wish-ga]

A Boxing Day something with friends is something to look fwd to and no pressure. Invite one or two people over for a bbq or something casual for a debrief after the rushing around madness.

Family are precious but friends truly are a blessing. I am lucky to have wonderful friends.

I make sure I let them know how much it means to have them in my life.

 

[lizzie]

perhaps you can start a new tradition - with just your hubby and kids (and a few family members you might get on with).

no one died and said that family "had" to get togethre for christmas. spurn the "norm" and start a happy time with just those who mean something special to you ... start a new history of happy christmas so that you kids don't grow up feeling like you do.

this might be hard and rub a few noses - but if don't get on with the family anyhow, why should you care what they think? you owe it to yourself and your precious family to avoid the stress and make it a happy time.

 

[monoply]

Well said Lizzie,

It should be every parents goal to make their kids happy, and Christmas is one of the best times of year for this. Often families dont see each other much, but Christmas can be a time that they make an effort to come together, and in years to come, might be the only time you see your kids after they leave home.

If you dont get along with people dont go. Nothing worse than seeing people you dont want to see. That just makes things worse.

As Lizzie said, do something which is going to make you and your family have a great time this Christmas.

Cheers
mono

 

[Mrs Bird]

Hi Wylie, All I can say is that you need to take control over this situation. Christmas needs to be done on your terms and conditions. If others dont like it tuff luck! Have a beautiful christmas lunch at your house with all the traditions and presents and only invite relatives that deserve such an honour.
I did exactly this. I took Christmas back from the dark ages and now have established new rules and traditions that suit me. Amazing how every body has fallen into line without even aware of how I changed things around.
1. We now have a tradtion christmas meal of turkey and plum pudding...in the past you were lucky to have any thing at all.
2. All children receive thoughtful gifts from every relative...none of this lets only give one gift per child to save money!
3. If you want to change lunch and tea to suit your other in laws, fine, go ahead , I will not be held to ransom and change lunch/tea times just for you (always a little power struggle this one)
4. If you want to sulk, great go ahead but dont do it around me because I am having so much fun.
I now enjoy christmas very much because I have introduced new traditions to my husbands family. But still every year, one sister in law does her 'little turn' and decides her family will not turn up. In the past, this use to upset me, not any more.

I am in charge of my christmas, my feelings and my actions. I am not responsible for their happiness or misery. Amazing how it took me a few years to understand this.

Wylie, pull those ungrateful relatives of yours into line and set the standard yourself. Have a great Christmas

Mrs Bird

 

[geoffw]

MrsW has invited some guests. I'm not sure if they will come or not,

They are from Argentina, and are elderly. The wife speaks some fair English- but not really enough to do really well in an English speaking culture. The husband speaks very little English.

MrsW is a native Spanish speaker, hence the connection.

We have known the couple for a number of years, but my Spanish is quite poor.

They had a son, 40 years old, who was their eyes and ears into the English speaking world. He provided them with a huge amount of support, without which they would not have been able to survive.

He died this year of cancer, with only a few months warning.

Then, last month, the father developed meningitis. He lost his hearing. Though now he is developing partial hearing- but he still can't understand much English.

MrsW's idea to invite them. Not mine.

 

[chrispy]

Our Christmas traditions have had to change over the years as we have lost various family members but every Christmas was very special, we made it so and now I am so glad that I have so many wonderful christmases to remember.

This will be the first actual Christmas Day that my son, brother in law and myself will have without my husband, having Christmas dinner at my house. It should have been last Christmas but I ended up in hospital having my Christmas dinner, my son at a friend's place at Beaufort and BIL in the Home where he lives.

I am determined to make it a lovely day. I have dressed the little Christmas tree that we have kept for the last 20 years, I replanted it into a new pot and bought new lights. I got the old decorations out and as I was putting them on the tree had a lovely cry as I remembered each one and when we had bought them. There are some that Alan had hand made, one is a little pink cutout angel with my name on it, I cried buckets when I found that one.

I have the most wonderful memories of so many Christmases with Alan, so wylie don't waste the opportunity to create lovely memories for the future.

Merry Christmas

Chris

 

[redwing]

I thought Boxing Day was set aside to sort out any problems that occur between family and relatives on Christmas Day; you sort out your problems and then start the year afresh

< Covers my two black eyes

 

[wylie]

Thanks for all the ideas and support.

We actually took a stand this year and "accidentally" arranged visitors last weekend on the day that hubby's mother has her annual gathering. Usually about 48 people, relatives and neighbours and people who we don't know. We don't enjoy the night, there are undercurrents of who is not speaking to whom, we spend most of the night washing up glasses and dishes or chatting to almost complete strangers. Hubby's sisters make snide remarks and it is just really uncomfortable. His mother gushes all over everyone trying to make the rellies see what a happy family she has, when the truth is we are all wearing masks. Two of her daughters don't come. I don't know if she gives them a frosty reception because they boycott her evening, but boy did I cop one.

When I told her we had double booked the night, I got the coldest telephone reception possible - it was really awful. We went ahead and had a great night with three other families - people who we see all through the year, unlike the rellies who we only see at weddings and funerals.

I had to really bite my tongue during the frosty phone call, but glad I did, because I don't want to start a feud with my mother in law.

Anyway, my kids do enjoy the day. It is just the lead up to it with my "problem" brother is fraught. He is not coming so we can all relax a little. Now we just have to deal with my sister in law.

Last family gathering at my place for my mother's birthday, I asked her to bring some nibblies and soft drinks and party started at 5pm. She waltzed in at 7pm with the nibblies and drinks. My brother was already there and very embarrassed. She didn't bother to call to say she would be late. We decided to start without her, so when she walked in we were just starting to eat.

She walked in past us all, didn't say hello to us (hosts) or my mother (birthday girl). She didn't apologise for being late and when she finished eating, she lied on our couch and read a novel. When she left, she took the nibblies and drinks home with her.

This is the sort of crap we have to deal with at Christmas from her. For the sake of my brother, I cannot leave her out, so we just ignore her mostly. She has been like that from day one, 25 years ago. We used to make an effort, but long ago gave up.

Anyway, we will have a nice day and we will keep the peace because the alternative is worse.

Thanks for the replies, Wylie.

 

[natmarie73]

These posts sort of make me glad I don't have an extended family here in OZ - all rellies are far far away in Europe so my Christmas's are always with Mum (or Dad) and my sister and and our partners with the remainder being close friends. My boyfriend's family are in North Qld so I don't see them either.

I have never had to spend Christmas celebrations with people I don't like or get on with - related or not and for this I give thanks!

 

[geoffw]

MrsW has invited some guests. I'm not sure if they will come or not

The guests are coming.

And I forgot the ramifications.

This means that the house must be cleaned (in her temporary absence) to a degree which mere men cannot reach. No matter what I do, it won't be good enough.

Though I guess I'm going to have to try anyway.

 

[The Y-man]

The guests are coming.

And I forgot the ramifications.

This means that the house must be cleaned (in her temporary absence) to a degree which mere men cannot reach. No matter what I do, it won't be good enough.

Though I guess I'm going to have to try anyway.

May need to tell your shop staff there's an extra (cleaning) shift available.....

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[geoffw]

May need to tell your shop staff there's an extra (cleaning) shift available.....

Too late...

MrsW IS the cleaning shift tonight (I open on Boxing Day, when abosolutely EVERYHING has to be thrown out and prepared again from scratch.

Besides, it's a battle to get the staff, especially the younger people, to keep the shop to my standards, let alone hers.

However, there may be some staff available for cleaning up the garden in the IP

 

[geoffw]

I was right- it wasn't good enough.

After vacuuming all the carpeted areas, MrsW, when she arrived home, vacuumed them all again.

But it was a good day.

My daughter's boyfriend, a Serb, had his first experience of an Australian Christmas (he's only been in Oz two years). And then MrsW's friends, speaking very little English. An unlikely combination, but it worked OK.

Daughter's BF enjoyed the touch of Oz Christmas, and MrsW's friends had a little change away from theirs first Chritmas without their only child.

 

[Xenia]

Every day is special to me with my family and we have special dinners together every single night! (Kids and husband).

We also have close friends over for dinner at least once a week.

I value family and close friends and have alot of time for them.

We don't spend alot of time with family members who have issues about what we choose to do in our lives or people who have negative attitudes or strong opinions about petty things (football games, what car you are driving, what the government SHOULD be doing to solve the personal issues they get themselves into etc).

Christmas is just another day to spend with those we are close to and another day to avoid those we are not

Why let yourself get all stressed out just because someone decided to commercialise the birth of Christ and the masses have decided to follow like sheep. It's just another day!!!!

 

[wylie]

Update ....

We had quite a nice day. My sister in law actually made some effort at conversation (about ten words in the whole day - some of them yelling at my brother in front of the adults - but at least she didn't pretend to be asleep).

I agree with Xenia that every day should be special. It is just hard to hold it together sometimes, especially when they get to the teenage years. With three kids, there always seems to be someone upset by something. We have dinner together most nights and, to be honest, sometimes I think we SHOULD turn on the TV. At least if they were watching the TV they would not be making smart remarks about anything and everything. Kids can be so bitchy to each other and we find ourselves exasperated many, many nights, trying to get the kids to say something nice, or nothing at all.

And I totally agree that if you don't see family at all through the year, it is a mockery to pretend you are best buddies at Christmas, and I refuse to do so. I got a bit upset on Christmas eve at the nasty things my boys were saying to each other and told them that if they decide down the track to not gather as a family at Christmas and other events, I will be upset, but I will be busting my boiler trying to gather them together as my mother in law does. If they don't get on, they don't get on. I am keeping my fingers crossed that maturity will solve some of their issues with each other.

I tell them constantly to button their lips rather than say something they will regret. I tell them all the time that their brothers are possibly the best friends they could ever have, but it takes effort, just like any other relationship.

I want to put old heads on young shoulders I suppose.

I have a friend, also with three boys, who summed it up well when she said "I used to dream about having children, but sometimes my dream feels like a nightmare".

Just lately, I seem to be on a rollercoaster, happy with family life until something goes wrong, and then I seem to be plunged into the depths. I think I am going through a little mid-life crisis. Perhaps I will buy a sports car, or take up drinking gin in the afternoons .

Wylie

 

[RichardC]

I'm rapidly getting over it! Last night I went to bed to the strains of The Alleuja Chorus, and thanked someone's God that it will be the last time for another 50 weeks.

Had a great "carols" antidote today. A muso mate of mine celebrated his birthday in the usual manner: A jam session with a dozen or more musos at the Aero Club. They amaze me. While they are professionals, they do not often work together but back each other's riffs between the "formal" bits as if they had been doin it for years. So good that if the guy on the drums went for a beer, the keyboard player would take over. Then the drummer would pick up a rythum guitar. Sadly I had to drive myself home. They'll still be going. :SIGH:

 

[kathryn d]

hi Wylie,
Every family seems to have issues.I used to think it was only mine.
This one doesn't speak to that one and so forth.
Maybe that is why as I get older Xmas holds no joy for me. I am not religious,so basically I do it only for the kids.
They at least, get along with each other.We also have 3 teenage boys living at home, but their conversations tend to be about video games.

Last year we couldn't even get the boys to decorate the tree, so I told Rob to throw it out Xmas Eve.
This year the son's g/f was here and she never had a live tree, so they went out in the yard, picked one out,Rob cut it down, and it was decorated.

So yes, I am looking forward to when I will never have to celebrate Xmas again and will able to do as I please.

 

[Monopoly]

Wylie,

I have been avoiding this thread for reasons which I won't go into, mainly because of "family" and "Christmas" and the notion that the two should unite at this time of year!!!

For many people, these gatherings should be brief especially if they involve heartache. But for the most part IMO (painful as it may appear on the surface) these moments of closeness is what we as humans need, to recharge the positives that life can drain from our spirits. How so, you ask??? It is much easier (and less soul destroying) to be in a room where people are fighting each other, than to watch one of them alone withering away because the others have left them behind as a result of misunderstanding.

I know that may not make a lot of sense to you. Sorry, but I guess what I am trying to say is, harsh words, tension between people etc etc is bad and certainly best avoided, but it is a far cry better than REGRET. When you are with someone even with heated words between you, your physical presence provides an opportunity to reach out and make amends, but the actual distance between you only broadens the gap and opportunity is lost.

What the word can destroy, the hand can repair. Reach over and grab your attackers hand, it will throw them off balance and you may even end up embracing!!!

All the best.