how do new ( or old) couples negotiate money?

[Perp]

When I have to call the bank for anything, they ask for my hubby to identify himself. He knows his name and address and date of birth, but when they ask him about our accounts as a double check, he says "Hold on...... how many loans do we have? What is our mastercard balance?"

He then says "could you please speak to my wife as she is the brains of the operation" and I am then allowed to ask what I like. I could have any male identify himself as my husband really.

That so infuriates me. I could get our male next door neighbour on the phone to say "Yeah, I'm Mr Ozperp, talk to her", and that would be fine, but if I say "ask me anything, I'll know it, talk to me", they can't/won't.

Sometimes I'm seriously tempted to say "I am Mr Ozperp! Are you implying that my voice doesn't sound very masculine? I've never been so insulted!" I wonder how the customer service staff would deal with that one.

 

[Perp]

Nathan, I can get what you are saying, but the dude in the first post apparently spends on his mates, but not her. I mean I can understand if he is consistently tight across the board....

And he's miserable about helping others (by the report we have).

It's not that he's not willing to shower her with gifts/money, it's his lack of a generous spirit that's of concern.

 

[Nathan]

Yeh true, depends if its financial drama them or weather its a relationship issue...

 

[Leikela]

Sometimes I'm seriously tempted to say "I am Mr Ozperp! Are you implying that my voice doesn't sound very masculine? I've never been so insulted!" I wonder how the customer service staff would deal with that one.

Have done that one before! I took over my brother's internet account and I had to ring the company (with my brothers permission) but I knew they wouldn't talk to me as my name wasn't on the account. So I told them all my brothers details and pretended to be him. My thoughts were exactly that, if they question it they'll offend me in case I am a guy. She just asked a couple of times "are you sure you're Joe"? I just said yes... what could they do?

As for the money thing, I am all for 50-50 split with non married couples without kids, but I think there's more to this situation. She seems to be showering him in gifts and doing things for him, and he's just taking advantage of her. She's crazy and should be running in the opposite direction and stop being a fool. However, as soon as you bring in marriage and kids it gets difficult. If the woman stays home to raise THEIR kids and cook and clean etc. etc. etc. for the family then that is (horrible) unpaid work, not to mention the opportunity cost of her giving up a potentially well paid career. So glad kids won't be coming into my equation... ergh, what a nightmare!

 

[LynnH]

As witzl says, there have been some interesting and informative responses.

Hubby and I have an absolutely wonderful financial relationship ..... he earns the $$$ and I spend it!!!

But, seriously ... the $$$ have been "Ours" ever since we got together. Back then, I was the higher income earner - and hubby's idea of balancing a cheque book was to ring the Bank twice a year and ask for a balance. When I offered to take over as "CFO", he was immensely relieved. I've tried to 'show him the books' from time to time, but his eyes just glaze over and he gets a really pained look on his face. As for dealing with the Banks (as Wylie and ozperp have said) ... forget it!

I confess that I've never been able to get my head around the 'yours', 'mine' and 'ours' thing. We've always considered ourselves as a partnership, each with our own strengths, abilities, and our own contribution to make. Neither of us are big on 'do-dads', nor are we big spenders - but if we want or need something, we go and buy it - no second thoughts, no questions asked!

He likes doing the sorts of things (flying aeroplanes, playing golf and tinkering with computers) that would bore me witless - and hates doing the things that I enjoy doing (looking for property, talking to the banks, organising financial matters (ITRs excepted! ), etc etc). And, lets face it, without the input of both of us, we wouldn't be in the position we are in today.

He's not at all romantic (I got used to that a very long time ago) ... but he does have other redeeming characteristics! We've been together over 30 years, so I guess something must be working out OK.

Cheers
Lynn

 

[kaf]

Really interesting to hear how other people manage their money.

We have a "his", "her" and "us" account. Each of us has a personal account from which we buy ourselves treats, cloths etc., gifts for each other, take each other out for dinner etc. I can chose if I want to save for some shoes/dress etc. or blow money on lunches and coffees. The "us" account receives the majority of both our incomes and pays for everything else.

My husband suggested this 10 years ago when we married. I could have gone just as easily for completely joint finances but I like our arrangement because this way there is no guilt on my side about spending money on cloths or other stuff that's purely for me. And it's still nice to say don't worry what it costs, I'm taking you out tonight!

kaf

 

[Francine]

Thanks for all the very interesting responses. i'm very grateful.

I am a support person a listening ear, a place to get some support, respite, clarity. I am not the couple themself and i allow others to have their own freedom to solve things how they want. But i like time out , clarity, advice, time to consider things without acting rashly.

They have since talked and resolved a bunch of issues that had suddenly built up not just financial . Yes i wrote that as the topic but thinking back it was division of everything chores expenses and how they show thoughtfulness and other things that were bothering her.alot had come up at once. it wasnt just money it was equal input, in wahtever way, and acts of love and consideration and thoughtfulnes in wahtever way, not that she is giving in so many ways and he isnt doing anything more than what he was doing before she came along.many things built up at once that needed communication and were causing stress.

It seems clear at this point and in general till now that he loves her very much more than other things and definitely doesnt want to lose her. What points were discussed i dont at this point know, but she feels things are resolved at the moment so i'm glad. I beleive he is a quality guy who has always made it clear that wants to marry her when SHE is ready. she is the one who needs time before a huge commitment, and i beleive issues come up when people start to live together , but so many came up recently in all sorts of areas.

In my view it always pays to take time out without burning bridges, get some thoughts or requests together and some communication happening in a loving way, a few times even , even witha counsellor a few times before one walks away from a situation that till now seemed so positive. Of course thats my view but i'm not the person involved but it seems they did make moves to talk to each other, he initiated it, and they ahve worked it out so i'm glad.

It seems he really didnt realise about various things

and she probably should have communicated more and sooner. and probably there is still more she needs to bring up but enough is resolved at present to feel very loved valued and happy. so i'm glad.

It could be another issue is about how each feel loved. I've read a book about the 5 love languages that its important to work out how your partner feels loved otherwise you could be doing so much in one way , but they still dont feel loved. the 5 love languages are gifts, time, touch, words, acts of service.

anyway whatever the details, i'm glad they feel its resolved at present.

And yes there was more eagerness from his part for her to have kids asap and she doesnt feel the same eagerness and definitely not if she doesnt feel that the support is going both ways whether practical or financial but two way nurturing and input. This is not an issue anymore. He has taken off the pressure and shown he loves her more and values her and her happiness more than any possible future children. so its all sounds good. I beleive they are both quality people and that communication is the key when things build up.

Francine.

 

[sue78]

Glad your friends sorted things out!

Jeff has redeemed himself. Today mil brought over a package for Jeff so I opened it to find a gift...oopsie I'm so happy though. Still wrapped up..not going to open it.

He should have told his mum if he didn't want me to find out...unless....it's for someone else. I can't believe we have been married for 7 yrs though.

 

[mrsdawnrazor]

We work on the basis of what's mine is mine and what's his is his. When we met I was earning more so i payed a higher proportion of the bills. At one point we earned the same so it went to 50:50, then I streaked off ahead again so I pay all the bills (except the internet cos he wanted to upgrade the package and Foxtel) and he buys the groceries. He is a spender and I am a saver so I would freak if we shared a bank account. I know to the cent how much I have and he muddles through. So he only spends what he has and I save & invest for both of us. my 15th wedding anniversary today so has worked pretty well so far, even if it is a standing joke that he once put a car repair on my credit card and didnt transfer the whole amount back in (about $10 short) Apparenly i got a little miffed - cant believe that myself

 

[RumpledElf]

I can't believe we have been married for 7 yrs though.

Time flies. We're still counting part years though - 4 and a bit years, which just happens to be our age difference too.

I was 28 when I met the lad and now I'm all old and stuff *sigh* ... oh well, he'll be 30 soon and then I get to pick on him