Joke Thread

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

C'mon....did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story???
 
Newsflash - a large inflatable liferaft has beeen found floating 2400km off the coast of Perth with 297 people aboard. Tony Abbott has ordered it towed back to Indonesia.
 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
L
 
Diary of a Pom in Karratha, Western Australia


August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Karratha, Western Australia!! Now this is a town that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.


September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.


September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat ****. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.


October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f**king blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.


October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?


November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f**king place.



November 8th:
If another wise **** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f**king throttle him. f**king heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin f**king wet, and I smell like baked cat!!


November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f**king **** was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f**king ****. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ****, and baked cat.


November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a f**king recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f**king sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f**king place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f**king pool. Even the palms can't live in this f**king heat.


November 14th:
Welcome to Australia!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my **** out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker. F**king Karratha! What kind of a sick demented f**king idiot would want to live here?


December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f**king kidding
 
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Oscar Pistorius aka Blade Runner :

His lawyer?s got a hard job ahead of him. Realistically, it looks like Pistorius hasn?t got a leg to stand on.
Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine?s Day he had to take her out.
Oscar Pistorius is pleading not guilty due to temporary diminished responsibility.* He claims he was legless at the time of the incident.
Whatever happens in court, he still has a career. The SAOC say he?s a front runner* at the next Olympics for pistol shooting.
Police reconstruction indicates that Pistorius lost it when, for his Valentine?s Day gift, his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks.
New Valentine?s Day card: ?Roses are red, violets are glorious.* Never creep up On Oscar Pistorius.?
Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark.
Looks like he has an expensive lawyer. I hope he can foot the bill.
Otherwise, the Oscar goes to????????Jail !!
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend?s murder?????. Footprints!
She didn?t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the ? silence of the limbs. ?
I see what Pistorius is doing. He is going to jail for 25 years and when he gets released? Bam! President of South Africa. That?s how it works over there, right?
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able-bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
First Tiger Woods, then Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius. I think Nike should start telling their athletes* ? Just* Don?t Do It.?
Hollywood are doing his life story; it?s now going to be called ?*Blade Gunner.?
If found guilty he?s gonna have to take it on the shin.
And finally,
Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic
 
Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

? When chemists die, they barium.

? Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

? A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

? I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

? How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

? I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

? This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

? I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

? I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

? They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

? This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

? I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

? A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

? What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

? I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

? Broken pencils are pointless.

? What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

? England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

? I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

? I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

? All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

? I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

? Velcro - what a rip off!

? Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
 
Boonga & his dog

One hot summer day, Boonga came to town with his dog, tied it under
The shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one..

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog
Tied under that tree outside?"

Boonga called out, " It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat", the cop said.

Boonga replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade
Tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Boonga. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
Fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have
S@x!"

Boonga looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police
Dog..."
 
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."


.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
 
jim1964 said:
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
L
Click to expand...

I thought they then kicked him in the "ICE HOLE"
 
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.”
 
My Favourite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
 
impala67 said:
my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
Click to expand...
The principal then asked me, "Don't you like this school?"

I replied "It's not the school in don't like, it's the principal of the thing".
 
Theres a young fella walking along Bondi beach and see's something shiny in the sand. In the sand was a lamp. He picks it up and POOF!! out comes a Genie. The Genie thanks him for releasing him from the bottle and offers the man one wish. The man asks why not 3 like all other Genie's. The Genie replies that due to the length of time in the bottle his powers were failing so one more wish could be all he has left.

The Genie tells him not to bother with stuff like a million dollars cos thats impossible, and stuff like all the gold in the world, cos its also impossible. He says make a wish for something constructive.

The man thinks long and hard and finally comes up with the perfect wish. Genie I wish for a bridge to span from here over the ocean to Auckland. You see my family are all living in Auckland, and I have a fear of flying and a fear of boats. The Genies shakes his head and says thats impossible as well. Just think of all the concrete, steel, electrical cables, bitumen, lights, road signs and pylons. No sorry, that is impossible as well, make another wish.

Again the man thinks long and hard and eventually makes a wish .....
I want to be able to understand women. The Genie thinks long and hard and replys with.........

Did you want 2 or 4 lanes on your bridge?
grin.gif
grin.gif
 
impala67 said:
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Click to expand...


....and his name was pinkboy and he didn't turn out too bad....


pinkboy
 
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