Joke Thread
- Thread starter CHam
- Start date
The New Bull
Three bulls heard the Station Owner was bringing another bull onto the Station.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
Three bulls heard the Station Owner was bringing another bull onto the Station.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."
A testimony to true friendship is...
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What
the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...!"
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & make-up are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,
I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What
the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married...!"
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused says,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am, you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman explains.
The officer contains a chuckle and explains that the 22 is the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins, thanking the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? The women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time"
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.
.
.
.
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"Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over.
Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused says,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am, you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman explains.
The officer contains a chuckle and explains that the 22 is the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins, thanking the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? The women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time"
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.
.
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"Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Anything not related to elephants is irrelephant.
A farmer living by a country road is increasingly concerned by speeding traffic. Worried that he and his livestock are in danger he calls the police and asks them to put up a sign. They put up a Slow sign but it has no effect. They try putting up a Pedestrian Crossing sign, but that has no effect either. Finally they try erecting a Children at Play sign, but the traffic still keeps whizzing past. Eventually the farmer asks if he can put up his own sign and the police agree. A few days later a policeman stops by to see how things are going. He's amazed to see the traffic moving at a snails pace, then he notices the farmers home-made sign by the roadside, it reads, Nudist Colony.
See ya's.
See ya's.
Last edited:
Not a Tyrannasnorus Rex?
Amazing simple home remedies
1. if you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
5. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. you only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
1. if you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. for high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
5. a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. if you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. you only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
*1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.*
*2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. *
So which is it?*
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions
that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
*1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.*
*2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. *
So which is it?*
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
A joke for the accountants amongst the SS membership.
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch. 'The parrot on the left costs $500,' says the owner. 'Why does that parrot cost so much?' asks the accountant. 'It knows how to do complex audits,' says the shop owner.
'How much does the middle parrot cost?' asks the accountant. 'That one costs $1,000,' replies the shopkeeper. 'It can do everything the first one can, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.'
The accountant asks about the third parrot. It costs $4,000. 'So what can that one do?' he asks. 'To be honest,' says the shop owner, Frankly 'I've never seen him do anything. But the other two call him "Senior Partner" so i guess he should be worth more than double the other two".
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch. 'The parrot on the left costs $500,' says the owner. 'Why does that parrot cost so much?' asks the accountant. 'It knows how to do complex audits,' says the shop owner.
'How much does the middle parrot cost?' asks the accountant. 'That one costs $1,000,' replies the shopkeeper. 'It can do everything the first one can, plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.'
The accountant asks about the third parrot. It costs $4,000. 'So what can that one do?' he asks. 'To be honest,' says the shop owner, Frankly 'I've never seen him do anything. But the other two call him "Senior Partner" so i guess he should be worth more than double the other two".
TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________
And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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