Joke Thread

The “Green” Thing

This is good for all the younger adults of today and current teenagers to read.

Just to let them all know that we senior citizens are not the ones who have contaminated and are currently contaminating the planet.

We did not have, but did not need "The Green Thing".

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day. We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a
300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one or two electrical outlets in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the car park.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
 
The Psychiatrist and The Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read:

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"
- Still No go.

Next, they tried:
-
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.
 
The Lady Rancher

The Lady Rancher - Part 1


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very liittle about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as she
directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
 
Longest Nerve In The Body

In the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus

It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh_tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your a_s and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eyes.
My public service is done for the day!​
 
I bought a Christmas tree which was too big for the car so I had to chop the top off it.

I've always wanted a convertible anyway.
 
And for a mid week ponder

I Drove past an RAC guy today, he was in his van, crying his eyes out.

I think he’s heading for a breakdown.

I’ve only just realised it’s called HIStory for reason.

Because HERstory would just be mindless gossip.

I’ve just got fired from a job answering other people’s phones.

Turns out it’s not for me.

As I sat in front of the TV watching Crimestoppers the other night when suddenly, my face suddenly appeared on the screen.

At first I completely shat myself.

But then after a few minutes I realised that the electricity had gone off.
 
Love the HIStory lesson, but if I get punched in the face by the other half during a certain phase of the lunar cycle, for posting that on Facebook, I'm blaming you, Redwing!
 
Three good old country boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Mudgee fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The logger from Gunnedah reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Narrabri farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The farmer replied, 'These are Carols.'
 
My Employment History

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.

I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme.

I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.

I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
 
Twenty more laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), without fail, the one you were just in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of Bath Probability: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that something doesn'twork, it will, or vice-versa.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of Event/Theater Seating Probability: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last, have to go to the bathroom the most, and usually leave first.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Carpets: The chances of an open-faced peanut & jelly sandwich landing face down on the carpet are directly correlated with its newness, color and cost.

15. Law of Universal Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

20. John's Law: You no sooner sit on the john, then the front doorbell rings.
 
A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, wiping its face, "it's just ice cream."
 
An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun and shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull bro, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi.
 
From Simon H


If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it
considered a hostage situation?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell less turtle homeless or just naked?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion
stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a
wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post
Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is
winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...
they're cramming for their final exam.
 
An Australian walks into a bar where he sees a New Zealander with his arm around a sheep. The Australian is disgusted and says to the Kiwi - "In Australia we shear em"

The Kiwi looks at him and says "I'm not shear'n this one with anyone."
 
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