Joke Thread
- Thread starter CHam
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Never a truer word spoken with the moral of the story King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get f*****g ugly!!!
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below.
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get f*****g ugly!!!
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'
A new worker was being shown around the Latex factory where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.
On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise, and the worker asks his tour guide what it's doing. "As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise." he says "The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a "hiss.. hiss... hiss-pop" sound during the manufacturing process. "Wait a second," the future worker says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is... but what's with the 'pop' noise every once in a while?"
"Oh, that. It's the same as the baby bottle nipple process." says the guide... "It pokes a hole in every third condom."
"But that can't be good for the condoms!" the worker replied.
"Nah, but it's really good for the baby bottle nipple business!"
On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise, and the worker asks his tour guide what it's doing. "As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise." he says "The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a "hiss.. hiss... hiss-pop" sound during the manufacturing process. "Wait a second," the future worker says, "I know what the hiss, hiss is... but what's with the 'pop' noise every once in a while?"
"Oh, that. It's the same as the baby bottle nipple process." says the guide... "It pokes a hole in every third condom."
"But that can't be good for the condoms!" the worker replied.
"Nah, but it's really good for the baby bottle nipple business!"
A man starts his new job in a factory and continually turns up in a chauffeured limousine every morning.
Quizzed by his boss as to how he can afford a chauffer, he tells his boss that he’s a highly successful gambler.
The boss ridicules the worker and utters “bullsh#t”.
The worker turns around and says ”OK, boss, I’ll bet you $5000 that you will have a hernia by Friday” They shake on it. The boss grins, as he’s never lifted anything heavier than a pen in his life.
That Friday the boss walks up to the worker on the factory floor and says “where’s my 5 grand – I got no hernia”
The worker grabs a wad of cash from his pocket and before handing the money over, says, “let me check first – drop your pants”.
In front of bemused co-workers, the worker grabs his boss’s testicles and tells him to cough. “Yep, I agree, definitely no hernia, here’s your money”.
The boss, laughing his head off, exclaims, ”See you’re no gambler”. The worker replies, ” yes I am, I made a $1000 bet with all 30 other workers that I’d have the boss’s balls in my hand by Friday!”
Quizzed by his boss as to how he can afford a chauffer, he tells his boss that he’s a highly successful gambler.
The boss ridicules the worker and utters “bullsh#t”.
The worker turns around and says ”OK, boss, I’ll bet you $5000 that you will have a hernia by Friday” They shake on it. The boss grins, as he’s never lifted anything heavier than a pen in his life.
That Friday the boss walks up to the worker on the factory floor and says “where’s my 5 grand – I got no hernia”
The worker grabs a wad of cash from his pocket and before handing the money over, says, “let me check first – drop your pants”.
In front of bemused co-workers, the worker grabs his boss’s testicles and tells him to cough. “Yep, I agree, definitely no hernia, here’s your money”.
The boss, laughing his head off, exclaims, ”See you’re no gambler”. The worker replies, ” yes I am, I made a $1000 bet with all 30 other workers that I’d have the boss’s balls in my hand by Friday!”
A taxi driver picks up a young blonde wearing a mini skirt. She jumps in the front seat and tells the driver to take her home.
Upon arrival, the driver looks at the meter and says ”that will be $25, thanks”
The passenger then smiles at the driver, she lifts up her short skirt and says “can I pay you with this”
The driver looks at her and says “mmm, have you got anything smaller?”
Upon arrival, the driver looks at the meter and says ”that will be $25, thanks”
The passenger then smiles at the driver, she lifts up her short skirt and says “can I pay you with this”
The driver looks at her and says “mmm, have you got anything smaller?”
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
“What’s wrong with you Luv, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from”.
“Well if you’re not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”
“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with.”
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
“What’s wrong with you Luv, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
“I’ll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from”.
“Well if you’re not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?”
“Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with.”
FUNNIES!!!
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe
that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the
men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and
carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You
sound English".
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back".
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It's me talking to the beer
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe
that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the
men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and
carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You
sound English".
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back".
He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said, "I love you".
She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It's me talking to the beer
Last edited by a moderator:
Judging by these jokes, you are obviously very happily married.
Last edited by a moderator:
GOD, THE DEVIL & FAT
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... And created the Australian Health Services
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us..
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'.
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'. And Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... And created the Australian Health Services
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us..
6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents dropped in tonight and as it waited up for you, it was so late they decided to stay the night, we didn't have a spare bed so l let them stay in our bedroom suggesting we would sleep with the kids.
I Hope you said Hello to them whilst you were in there?"
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as
she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents dropped in tonight and as it waited up for you, it was so late they decided to stay the night, we didn't have a spare bed so l let them stay in our bedroom suggesting we would sleep with the kids.
I Hope you said Hello to them whilst you were in there?"
My new neighbor
My new neighbor
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
My new neighbor
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
MAN... IT'S NO FUN GETTING OLD!!!
Guy in Mexico approaches the border to the US on a motorbike balancing 2 large sacks on his shoulders.
Border guards approach him and ask for his passport etc. All ok with that they ask
what's in the bags ?
- Sand
sand ?
- Sand
Put the sacks down we have to search them.
So they do. And they find sand. So they shrug their shoulders and let him by.
Next week, same thing. Week after same thing. For 3 months then he just stops coming.
Later on one night, at the local bar. one of the border security guards is having a drink and spots the mysterious sand bag carrier. He walks up to him and say
- look we all know you were smuggling something but can't work out what. Tell me, what was it ? I won't tell anyone I promise.
- motorcycles
Border guards approach him and ask for his passport etc. All ok with that they ask
what's in the bags ?
- Sand
sand ?
- Sand
Put the sacks down we have to search them.
So they do. And they find sand. So they shrug their shoulders and let him by.
Next week, same thing. Week after same thing. For 3 months then he just stops coming.
Later on one night, at the local bar. one of the border security guards is having a drink and spots the mysterious sand bag carrier. He walks up to him and say
- look we all know you were smuggling something but can't work out what. Tell me, what was it ? I won't tell anyone I promise.
- motorcycles
Legal and Logical
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old
professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor,
would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the
correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the
correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither
logical nor legal? "
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just couldn't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as
agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon,
but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his
brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to
answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither
logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students
immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and
married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife
has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's
lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither
logical nor legal !!"
Professor faints !!
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old
professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"
Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor,
would I?"
Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the
correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the
correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".
Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither
logical nor legal? "
The professor wracks his famous brain, but just couldn't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as
agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.
The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon,
but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his
brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to
answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither
logical nor legal? "
To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students
immediately raise their hands.
"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.
"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and
married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife
has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's
lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither
logical nor legal !!"
Professor faints !!
A man walks into a police station and insists on speaking to burglar who broke into his home last night and stole jewelry whilst his wife slept.
The sergeant tells the man he can have is say in court.
“No, no” says the man. “You see, I have been married for 15 years and have never been able to sneak into my house late at night without my wife waking up…I just want to know how he does it”
The sergeant tells the man he can have is say in court.
“No, no” says the man. “You see, I have been married for 15 years and have never been able to sneak into my house late at night without my wife waking up…I just want to know how he does it”
Serenity....Senility
Just before the funeral services, the undertakercame up to the elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?''98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' she responded.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:'And what do you think is the best thingAbout being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile isYou can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetesI'm half blind,Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,Take 40 different medications thatMake me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia ...Have poor circulation;Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,So I got my doctor's permission toJoin a fitness club and start exercising.I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,and perspired for an hour. But.....By the time I got my leotards on,The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?Just eat till the wrinkles fill out..
It's scary when you start making the same noisesAs your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuffIn my shopping cart says,' For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the peopleI never liked anyway,The good fortune to run into the ones I do, andThe eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!
Just before the funeral services, the undertakercame up to the elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?''98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' she responded.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:'And what do you think is the best thingAbout being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile isYou can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetesI'm half blind,Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,Take 40 different medications thatMake me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia ...Have poor circulation;Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,So I got my doctor's permission toJoin a fitness club and start exercising.I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,and perspired for an hour. But.....By the time I got my leotards on,The class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?Just eat till the wrinkles fill out..
It's scary when you start making the same noisesAs your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuffIn my shopping cart says,' For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the peopleI never liked anyway,The good fortune to run into the ones I do, andThe eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!
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