Marriage in trouble
- Thread starter reallyconfused
- Start date
One of the interesting things about outlining a situation like this in the forum is that you will get a broad spectrum of opinions - and one or two of them will ring really true for you.
Sometimes life's path becomes steep and tricky - and at such times you may have to test every new handhold and foot placement carefully and apply everything you know to working out the best navigation. Lots of discussion, consideration, and restraint while you test those new hand and foot placements.
The internet thing could work out eventually. Sometimes having that confidante who genuinely cares about what is the best outcome for you regardless of what outcome they might seek for themselves can be helpful.
I certainly don't agree that exposing your children to a larger ring of adults who care about their wellbeing will place them in jeopardy - as long as the new adults in their life are carefully and thoughtfully chosen.
I wish you well working your way through this.
Sometimes life's path becomes steep and tricky - and at such times you may have to test every new handhold and foot placement carefully and apply everything you know to working out the best navigation. Lots of discussion, consideration, and restraint while you test those new hand and foot placements.
The internet thing could work out eventually. Sometimes having that confidante who genuinely cares about what is the best outcome for you regardless of what outcome they might seek for themselves can be helpful.
I certainly don't agree that exposing your children to a larger ring of adults who care about their wellbeing will place them in jeopardy - as long as the new adults in their life are carefully and thoughtfully chosen.
I wish you well working your way through this.
I think from time to time we all get disillusioned with our partners. The romance fades a bit and you get on with everyday mundane life.
The solution for me is I look back on why I married my partner in the first place. What qualities does he have which I admire and made me want to spend the rest of my life with only him? It usually does the trick for me as those qualities important to me are still in him.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with is my own selfishness. I love to get my own way, but I have to remind myself to respect my partner and realize what I want is not necessarily the same thing he wants.
I am also mindful that children are second in the relationship. My children will grow up and leave home one day and my partner will still be my number one.
Brenda - Perfectly said.
Reallyconfused - Go sit down with her - Get totally honest and with that info make some decisions moving forward.
Nobody here can advise you anything. It's you in your position and every situation is different. Both of you need to communicate openly, honestly and then get on with it for both of your sake and your childrens.
Good luck mate....
Kev
www.gogecko.com.au
Here's a question from a nerd that has never even been out drinking or night clubbing (never had a need to)
What on earth are these chat things you are talking about anyway? Are they some sort of online dating service?
I still think families are important and you should do all you can to hold onto your marriage, just interested about what these things are?
What on earth are these chat things you are talking about anyway? Are they some sort of online dating service?
I still think families are important and you should do all you can to hold onto your marriage, just interested about what these things are?
CHAT
Basically chatting just means communicating with people online and there are places specifically set up for such things and sorted into 'rooms' for different topics to be chatted about. Some of the 'rooms' are advertised clearly for specific topics to be discussed but also cover romance, relationships of all types, sex talk etc.
It could be typing to each other in real time (live) or it could be talking to each other through microphone and speakers and even include a webcam for seeing each other.
There are plenty of chat rooms where groups of people meet to chat and couples can break off from the main chat room and engage in private chat. Then there are the messengers (MSN, Yahoo, ICQ etc) which would also be considered chatting.
If you PM'd me right now and I PM'd you right back that would also be considered chatting as we are doing it in real time.
Cheers
Olly
It's very common now to meet prospective partners from the net. I've been through all that puppy love/internet dating like 10 yrs ago. My mum receive the telephone bill and banned me from using the net again. We were practically chatting to each other 24 hrs, even falling asleep at the computer, skipping school and work and almost caused me to fail. Then we eventually got a life and drifted apart. He was from L.A! That's just one of many net encounters. I did meet a few in real life and some did not look anything like their photo at all.
So I understand well the addictiveness and how it can affect anyone of any age really.
I met my husband on the net actually. He emailed me, we exchanged a couple of emails, met up in London, became friends and eventually developed it further.
Anyway, at least meet this woman face to face first before throwing your marriage away...they might not be anything there at all. But best thing to do is to sort your marriage out first and if you do break up, well then at least you can say for sure it's not because you thought you found something better.
So I understand well the addictiveness and how it can affect anyone of any age really.
I met my husband on the net actually. He emailed me, we exchanged a couple of emails, met up in London, became friends and eventually developed it further.
Anyway, at least meet this woman face to face first before throwing your marriage away...they might not be anything there at all. But best thing to do is to sort your marriage out first and if you do break up, well then at least you can say for sure it's not because you thought you found something better.
Talk to your wife. Amazing what a frank onversation can do. Personally I would get some professional help too like Relationships Australia.
You owe it to your wife, yourself and the children to make sure it is REALLY over before making so life altering changes.
Good luck!
You owe it to your wife, yourself and the children to make sure it is REALLY over before making so life altering changes.
Good luck!
A friend of mine had marriage problems, he left her and the littlies. They were apart over a year and now back together.
A big help for them was a course (cost a few grand) they went to individually and then one together. This was not just for relationship help, but for people with all sorts of baggage.
It helped them. It could help you. But I would start with Relationships Australia.
Don't give up until you have worked every avenue to stay together. You may not like each other right now, but there must be something deep down that may be able to be found again.
Wylie
A big help for them was a course (cost a few grand) they went to individually and then one together. This was not just for relationship help, but for people with all sorts of baggage.
It helped them. It could help you. But I would start with Relationships Australia.
Don't give up until you have worked every avenue to stay together. You may not like each other right now, but there must be something deep down that may be able to be found again.
Wylie
Thank's for the offer Olly but after reading this post I don't think I want to put my marriage at risk
Just this week I experienced two of our friends about to split up, it is nasty business. The husband was leaving the wife for my sister in law, his wife was so angry and the kids were absolutely distraught (both under 10 but smart enough to know what is going on). Once I told him the "sister in laws history" he soon changed his mind - hopefully with counselling they will work it out. Unfortunately it is very easy to be sucked in by someone who is stroking your ego as well as other things! It is flattering when someone shows interest, and exciting in the beginning but the long time lover can be more exciting, and the memories shared irreplaceable.
The point I am making is that you dont really know this other person, IMHO the grass is only greener on the other side of the fence because it is full of weeds!
My husband and I both have "dysfuctional/divorced family baggage" and it is definately detrimental to how you view your adult relationships - anybody who says it will not damage your kids is lying.
We take our marriage vows very seriously - "Forsaking all others" to us, means not even allowing ourselves to be in a situation of temptation - these chat room situations are playing with your head and your heart. You owe it to yourself to make your marriage work. Your wife has made a very bad decision to go down this path, but all is not lost, she needs to turn her attention to her husband and rekindle the flame!
After 14 years together and 5 kids, I see my husband as my "life partner", someone to share all the highs and the lows - and I still want to "jump his bones" at every opportunity! - I guess that how we got 5 kids!
Make a real effort towards your wife and you will be rewarded - "as they say there is nothing sexier than a man who washes dishes"!
Best of Luck.
The point I am making is that you dont really know this other person, IMHO the grass is only greener on the other side of the fence because it is full of weeds!
My husband and I both have "dysfuctional/divorced family baggage" and it is definately detrimental to how you view your adult relationships - anybody who says it will not damage your kids is lying.
We take our marriage vows very seriously - "Forsaking all others" to us, means not even allowing ourselves to be in a situation of temptation - these chat room situations are playing with your head and your heart. You owe it to yourself to make your marriage work. Your wife has made a very bad decision to go down this path, but all is not lost, she needs to turn her attention to her husband and rekindle the flame!
After 14 years together and 5 kids, I see my husband as my "life partner", someone to share all the highs and the lows - and I still want to "jump his bones" at every opportunity! - I guess that how we got 5 kids!
Make a real effort towards your wife and you will be rewarded - "as they say there is nothing sexier than a man who washes dishes"!
Best of Luck.
I like that.....full of weeds....or maybe more aptly full of venus fly traps
Truth is, sex makes a great slave and poor master...
Though tell that to anyone under 30 and they'll think you are full of it...
And since the invention of the pill, and the industrial revolution providing women with an education and almost equal rights, the price of sex has gone up (for men)......these days, women demand more upward mobility....and pity the guys that can't provide it....So what have men got out of all this?
Suppose it is all Darwinian natural selection, at the end of the day...
ah well, western societies are slowly non breeding themselves into extinction.........and the debate between which sex is more justified to take their current stance will soon be anachronistic..
I'm going to be in the minority.
Very few couples ..none that I can think of...have ever happily gotten back together after they split up.They may stay out of obligation, fear of being alone, financial, or the kids. A couple of years of doing this and they will realize life is too short to be unhappy.
Your wife may be chatting, but if you talk with her, she may have been emotionally distancing herself from the relationship for a long time. She will probably seem to not care if you leave. This may be because she has already had the time to work out her feelings and now that you know,it could be more of a sense of relief.
Personally I knew my previous marriage was in trouble when I used to dream of returning to the workforce and "if I ever needed to, could I support my 3 kids and myself financially". About 2 years after I did go back to the workforce, I knew I wasn't happy and I had to do what I had to do.
We lived in for a year separately in the same house...sake of the kids, with a legal separation.A divorce soon came after. However, after the first 2 months into living separately we got along amicably(Still do.)(His g/f is very nice too)
My ex wanted counselling etc. I didn't. I don't think you have to "earn" your way out of a marriage.
For about 6 months we did try to make it work.
Start planning now how you and your kids will survive if this marriage doesn't last.
Maybe buy a duplex and both take a unit?
Very few couples ..none that I can think of...have ever happily gotten back together after they split up.They may stay out of obligation, fear of being alone, financial, or the kids. A couple of years of doing this and they will realize life is too short to be unhappy.
Your wife may be chatting, but if you talk with her, she may have been emotionally distancing herself from the relationship for a long time. She will probably seem to not care if you leave. This may be because she has already had the time to work out her feelings and now that you know,it could be more of a sense of relief.
Personally I knew my previous marriage was in trouble when I used to dream of returning to the workforce and "if I ever needed to, could I support my 3 kids and myself financially". About 2 years after I did go back to the workforce, I knew I wasn't happy and I had to do what I had to do.
We lived in for a year separately in the same house...sake of the kids, with a legal separation.A divorce soon came after. However, after the first 2 months into living separately we got along amicably(Still do.)(His g/f is very nice too)
My ex wanted counselling etc. I didn't. I don't think you have to "earn" your way out of a marriage.
For about 6 months we did try to make it work.
Start planning now how you and your kids will survive if this marriage doesn't last.
Maybe buy a duplex and both take a unit?
Hmmm, I'm racking my brain trying to figure what rights you have that I don't. Care to elaborate on this statement? As far as I know, women do have equal rights in western societies anyway, (not equal pay for equal work perhaps) but certainly equal rights.
I also love the weeds in the grass analogy - I'm gonna remember that!
Hmmm, I'm racking my brain trying to figure what rights you have that I don't. Care to elaborate on this statement? As far as I know, women do have equal rights in western societies anyway, (not equal pay for equal work perhaps) but certainly equal rights.
I also love the weeds in the grass analogy - I'm gonna remember that!
Nat, you mustn't have equal rights to work, otherwise the family court wouldn't need to strip men inequitably of assets, on the basis that the wife hasn't the same income earning potential.
What to do
MMM intresting advice here.
My relationship is rather strange. Compared to yours
I am not married, however have been in the relationship for over 4yrs.
I got my flat mate on the rebound from a bad relationship, she was never was attracted to me , however her baby clock was running out so she saw me has a good father.
Several months before I had a wife leave me becuase I wouldnt give her a baby, so when noises was made about having a baby with new partner I obliged, thinking she would snap out of it and be attracted to me once she seen my provider skills
No deal, she had the baby and got even colder. I sleep on the lounge and am unwanted. However after 2 and halve years of no loving she tricked me one night of a quick flick. And now she is pregant again. however admanant she doesnt love me and happy for me to sleep in the lounge.
But at least she is honest . I think there is a lot of people in dead relationships and are there for the kids etc.
I wouldnt leave with 4 investment propeties and on 100k salary, it would kill me finicially.
The way I look at is I have someone who looks after my 3yo daughter, cleans the house, cooks etc( women forum members flame me now).
My turn will come in about another 5 to 10 years when i retire to my house in the philippines.
So I guess what I am saying dont ask me for advice however like I said I think there is a lot of people who are in dead relationships , they just dont admit in public.
Why do a lot of couples have two single beds???
MMM intresting advice here.
My relationship is rather strange. Compared to yours
I am not married, however have been in the relationship for over 4yrs.
I got my flat mate on the rebound from a bad relationship, she was never was attracted to me , however her baby clock was running out so she saw me has a good father.
Several months before I had a wife leave me becuase I wouldnt give her a baby, so when noises was made about having a baby with new partner I obliged, thinking she would snap out of it and be attracted to me once she seen my provider skills
No deal, she had the baby and got even colder. I sleep on the lounge and am unwanted. However after 2 and halve years of no loving she tricked me one night of a quick flick. And now she is pregant again. however admanant she doesnt love me and happy for me to sleep in the lounge.
But at least she is honest . I think there is a lot of people in dead relationships and are there for the kids etc.
I wouldnt leave with 4 investment propeties and on 100k salary, it would kill me finicially.
The way I look at is I have someone who looks after my 3yo daughter, cleans the house, cooks etc( women forum members flame me now).
My turn will come in about another 5 to 10 years when i retire to my house in the philippines.
So I guess what I am saying dont ask me for advice however like I said I think there is a lot of people who are in dead relationships , they just dont admit in public.
Why do a lot of couples have two single beds???
Hi Outbackjack. Did you think there was a chance of a long relationship with the mother of your 3 year old, or did she trick you? She obviously tricked you the second time. I find that really sad that you now possibly feel trapped into staying with her because it would be too costly financially to get out of the relationship. The least she can do is cook and clean for you.
I have always felt that if I really wanted a baby and didn't have a relationship in which to have one, I would have done almost anything to get pregnant but I would NEVER have held someone to ransome financially after the fact. In fact I would probably not tell the father that I was pregnant, especially if it was a "one night stand" type of thing just to get pregnant.
I have seen someone fight for twelve years to see his child when he was used for the same reason. She wanted a baby and thought this person would simply be a donor. She didn't count on how badly he wanted to marry her and have a proper relationship. She picked the wrong guy and it has made his life a misery, fighting to see his son while she puts up every blockage in his way. Trouble is, she is a really nice lady so it is hard not to like her as well.
Are you saying that if you left your partner, she would ask for half when your story sounds like you were just used as a donor because her biological clock was ticking? I am all for men paying for their children, but this sounds like you have been well and truly used, and if so, I feel sorry for you.
Wylie
I have always felt that if I really wanted a baby and didn't have a relationship in which to have one, I would have done almost anything to get pregnant but I would NEVER have held someone to ransome financially after the fact. In fact I would probably not tell the father that I was pregnant, especially if it was a "one night stand" type of thing just to get pregnant.
I have seen someone fight for twelve years to see his child when he was used for the same reason. She wanted a baby and thought this person would simply be a donor. She didn't count on how badly he wanted to marry her and have a proper relationship. She picked the wrong guy and it has made his life a misery, fighting to see his son while she puts up every blockage in his way. Trouble is, she is a really nice lady so it is hard not to like her as well.
Are you saying that if you left your partner, she would ask for half when your story sounds like you were just used as a donor because her biological clock was ticking? I am all for men paying for their children, but this sounds like you have been well and truly used, and if so, I feel sorry for you.
Wylie
Wylie,
Well if I was to leave I dont think she would chase me for money. I dont think she would be inclined to do it, but the government, lawyers and all others will tell her to do it.
She is not money orientated really. Always says the propeties etc are mine, however I am sure others will educate her to what she should do.
I have no problem supporting children, however not sure if the child support agency is the best thing.
I agree people kill themselve and worse others over access to children.
I am not sure if she is continue to use me. She has told me how she feels and what does doesnt want.
Now its just a waiting game.
Well if I was to leave I dont think she would chase me for money. I dont think she would be inclined to do it, but the government, lawyers and all others will tell her to do it.
She is not money orientated really. Always says the propeties etc are mine, however I am sure others will educate her to what she should do.
I have no problem supporting children, however not sure if the child support agency is the best thing.
I agree people kill themselve and worse others over access to children.
I am not sure if she is continue to use me. She has told me how she feels and what does doesnt want.
Now its just a waiting game.
