Negative people

[Kerri]

I never realised until the other day how destructive other people's negativity can be.

I've recently been reading a few different books, and most of them have a theme of focusing on the solution instead of the problem, and all that good stuff. I am feeling motivated and positive about my future and my ability to reach my goals.

I came across a friend the other day, and was really pleased to see her. I trotted up and said g'day and asked how she was and what she'd been up to.

Well, it was like being punched in the stomach when she answered me! She was all down in the dumps and looked at me with big sad puppy dog eyes as she told me of all the woe and difficulty in her life. It was as if the air around me had suddenly become thick and heavy, and I felt really reluctant to stay and spend time with her.

In the end, after we had talked for a while, and I had given her a few things to think about to help with some of the problems she was having, she went away feeling better and more hopeful. She even thanked me for helping her.

I was left feeling drained and exhausted though. I'm not keen at all to run into her again, because I walked around feeling kind of deflated for the rest of the day.

Has any one experienced anything similar to this? How do you deal with people like this? I have no problem with helping someone, but how do I protect myself in the process?

 

[The Y-man]

I never realised until the other day how destructive other people's negativity can be.

I've recently been reading a few different books, and most of them have a theme of focusing on the solution instead of the problem, and all that good stuff. I am feeling motivated and positive about my future and my ability to reach my goals.

I came across a friend the other day, and was really pleased to see her. I trotted up and said g'day and asked how she was and what she'd been up to.

Well, it was like being punched in the stomach when she answered me! She was all down in the dumps and looked at me with big sad puppy dog eyes as she told me of all the woe and difficulty in her life. It was as if the air around me had suddenly become thick and heavy, and I felt really reluctant to stay and spend time with her.

In the end, after we had talked for a while, and I had given her a few things to think about to help with some of the problems she was having, she went away feeling better and more hopeful. She even thanked me for helping her.

I was left feeling drained and exhausted though. I'm not keen at all to run into her again, because I walked around feeling kind of deflated for the rest of the day.

Has any one experienced anything similar to this? How do you deal with people like this? I have no problem with helping someone, but how do I protect myself in the process?

Perhaps telling her that things could get worse..... well, in a nice gentle way?

One of my work colleagues just found out just before Christmas her teenage daughter has MS (just lost sight in one eye one day). While that was going on, she (the mother) discovered she herself had a malignant tumour in her breast Definitely not a good month.....

Made a lot of other people's problems seem very minor in comparison though!

So when people come up looking a bit down, it's like, "Well mate, you reckon you have problems! Wait 'till you hear this one......"

Cheers,

The Y-man

 

[Pete]

Thanks Kerri,

IMO all successful people have encounted the situation you describe, and probably all forumites who are chasing their dreams.

One line of thinking, and I find it true for me, is that it is your choice how you react to negative influences. They do not need to deflate you.

Frankl's book on his war time experiences [a quick search on the forum shows that the title is "Man's Search For Meaning"] covers the subject. There is also description in Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". Presumably in many other books on success, positive thinking, motivation, etc. (The above two books are currently available.)

Incidentally, I've also found I mix less with such "negative" people and more with "positive" people.

Best wishes,

 

[markpatric]

I think it`s good to have balance in everything, there are a lot of ways to look at your situation and your friends.
Many people suffer from all sorts of problems, you cannot simply ignore people if they have problems or negativity in thier mindset, it seems we are all bulletproof until something may wake us up to what is really important.
That`s life and you have to learn to deal with it, one day it may be you, on top of whatever problems someone may have, how do you think it would be too have people walk away from you, you can`t solve everyones problems but you might help some of them feel a bit better about themselves.
Then again some people thrive on attention and blow thier problems out of proportion, you need to be supportive but at the same time very assertive.

 

[Mr. Fabulous]

Here's what I generaly do:
1. Shut out what the person is saying
2. Tell them to stop whinging and take responsibility for where they are at.
if that doesn't work then,
3. Tell them I am not interested in talking to them and walk away

Why choose to allow my day to be ruined because someone else doesn't want to look at improving their own?

 

[Monopoly]

How do you deal with people like this?

I used to hand them my card and tell them to ring the office and make an appointment.

I have no problem with helping someone, but how do I protect myself in the process.

Do a lot of ---> or wear ---> whenever possible, and failing that, if you see such people approaching you, RUN & HIDE!!!

 

[quiggles]

Mark,

I usually agree with you, but not this time. Most people who are lost in their misery need sympathetic help, not criticism. This does NOT mean agreeing with them.

Each case differs but you need to give your friends a light at the end of the tunnel. Some can't accept this, and then you move on but others will. Your-to-be-best-friends wiil never forget the original favour you've done them. I've been in both positions - as giver and recipient of timely aid - and I know.

Be generous, be kind and be firm. You cannot help but help yourself this way.

 

[buzzlightyear]

Harsh!!!

Gees Mark, that's a bit harsh. Kerri actually referred to this person as a friend & was genuinely happy to see her. Maybe her friend took Kerri's positive response as an opening and felt comfortable enough to share.

 

[michaelg]

Hi,

These people are called psychic vampires. Just like the storybook vampires who drain people's blood to sustain themselves (however they never feel satisfied) there are people out there who will likewise latch onto you and drain you of your positive energy. They walk away feeling more revived however the affects on you can almost be fatal!

Try and avoid these people, or if caught quickly seek help by using synergy therapy.

To do this contact someone like you who generates positive energy then begin a conversion with them telling them about all the great things that are going on, then wait for them to reciprocate and continue this cycle until the engergy output combined is greater than the individual sum, or until you both feel better.

However care must be taken as generating such quantities of positive energy in a small area may attract nearby psychic vampires in greater numbers.

e.g. talking with a good friend at a party and a family member comes over to tell the friend who silly you are.

At work sharing an idea and a co-worker interrupts with how far their project is behind

etc, etc

You have been warned!
Michael G

 

[likewow]

Here's what I generaly do:
1. Shut out what the person is saying
2. Tell them to stop whinging and take responsibility for where they are at.
if that doesn't work then,
3. Tell them I am not interested in talking to them and walk away

Why choose to allow my day to be ruined because someone else doesn't want to look at improving their own?

Mark,

If your day is ruined as a result of the above or you feel the need to walk away then thats only due to your response or perception to whats happening and thats actually a pretty negative way to be, while looking superficially positive.

Beside that are you suggesting that you will never have a problem in your life that you need to talk to someone else about? That there is absolutley no negative aspect to your life. That we should all be super people with super lives with no problems and we dont need a shoulder sometimes? That we are all mega successful and fabulously wealthy with Porsches in the driveway and summer houses on the French Riviera and all due to the positive outlook on life and not a problem in the world that needs to be shared? Hello???

Im all for positivity and consider myself reasonably successful but to ignore the fact that we are all human and humans have problems and to just ignore them if they do is a very cold way to live your life.

But some people might say thats the price to be paid to live a life filled with positivity and its resultant success but i'd like to do a poll of people who agree with that outlook to see who owns Porsches and summer houses in Nice as a result of that attitude.

I think theres enough room in everyones life (but especially those striving for success) for a little compassion to those with problems without being 'drained of positive energy'. Maybe they need a top up of positiveness to be able to share some around

 

[Rolf Latham]

Hiya

This is my way ......................

Im very fond of self help cassette systems and books to try and help people see there is another (maybe not better for them) way.

Ultimately, I feel you need to provide some level of help or support IF you are equipped to do so.

If all else fails have pity ( more often than not it does, since the _ve path is so much simpler for many) minimise contact without being rude or condescending and if you cant for support reasons, innoculate yourself by hanging around with positive people more of the time.

ta
rolf

 

[Mr. Fabulous]

I think a few people have misinterpreted what I was saying. Note that in the second point I said take responsibility for where they are at. What that means is acknowledging that they are in a hard place at the moment and focussing on a solution rather than the problem. Damned if I'm going to waste even 1 minute of my life listening to someone whinging about an issue with no intention of actually doing something about it.
Well, if that makes me cold and insensitive in some people's eyes, then so be it. My closest and most trusted friend does this to me whenever I am being negative and sooky and I love it because it gives me the wake up call I need to get myself out of the doldrums and look toward the future rather than focus on the past. Successful people focus on solutions, unsuccessful people focus on problems. Which one do you choose to be?

 

[Sultan of Swing]

I didn't think i'd ever say this but...... Good post likewow!!

Mark, thanks for your clarification, your first post did come accross as cold & heartless but i know where you're coming from.

 

[likewow]

Mark,

Wether a person takes responsibility for 'where theyre at' is a different issue to lending an ear and attempting to help someone without being drained of energy or feeling the need to run away.

A recent post of yours attempting to find a flatmate for your sharehouse was a good attempt of taking responsibility for your situation but theres a lot of people out there who are 'victims of circumstance' and need a hand sometimes.

btw: Can i spot your sharehouse by the Porsche parked out front?

 

[shazza]

[qoute]In the end, after we had talked for a while, and I had given her a few things to think about to help with some of the problems she was having, she went away feeling better and more hopeful. She even thanked me for helping her.

What will you feel like when she takes absolutely no notice of the fine points you have given her and continues/does it all again? You obviously put a lot of effort into helping her so maybe try not to be quite so helpful next time and keep something back for yourself.

I was left feeling drained and exhausted though. I'm not keen at all to run into her again, because I walked around feeling kind of deflated for the rest of the day.

If you're reading alot of self help books you will know that's it up to you how you deal with situations. How you react to something is totally within your control. Of course its easier said then done!

Good luck on your journey of self discovery - its worth the ride!
cheers Sharyn

 

[likewow]

I didn't think i'd ever say this but...... Good post likewow!!

Mark, thanks for your clarification, your first post did come accross as cold & heartless but i know where you're coming from.

Thanks, Ive secretly admired a couple of yours

 

[likewow]

[qoute]In the end, after we had talked for a while, and I had given her a few things to think about to help with some of the problems she was having, she went away feeling better and more hopeful. She even thanked me for helping her.

What will you feel like when she takes absolutely no notice of the fine points you have given her and continues/does it all again? You obviously put a lot of effort into helping her so maybe try not to be quite so helpful next time and keep something back for yourself.

I was left feeling drained and exhausted though. I'm not keen at all to run into her again, because I walked around feeling kind of deflated for the rest of the day.

If you're reading alot of self help books you will know that's it up to you how you deal with situations. How you react to something is totally within your control. Of course its easier said then done!

Good luck on your journey of self discovery - its worth the ride!
cheers Sharyn

Good advice Shazza except that some people cant read.

 

[Monopoly]

Good advice Shazza except that some people cant read.

Doh!!!

But there's always "talking books" provided you LISTEN to them. And wouldn't that be a scream, you won't take advice from a friend, but you'll sit and listen to some monotone talking self help book....go figure!!!

 

[geoffw]

Two thoughts.

One. In draining some of your positiveness, perhaps you have given the other person some positiveness, which would help her.

Two. I find that hanging around positive people, when I can, is a good counter to a lot of the negative people around. This forum is good, and so are meetings where people from this forum hang out. Places where people go to learn to improve themselves can also be good.

 

[kissfan]

Hi all.

What Y-Man said in regards to there's always someone worse off than yourself makes so much sense.
Years ago I had a daughter that was diagnosed, from a couple months of age, with a terminal genetic disorder. As you can imagine, my world came crashing down and I was shattered for some time. My daughter needed various operations, was always in and out of different hospitals and well... you get the picture. On one particular visit to the Neuro Ward at the old Childrens Hospital something opened my eyes that i wish everyone could experience just once in their lives ( unfortunately or maybe fortunately, I got to see it many times). I made a comment to the head nurse running the ward that I admired the way she handled her everyday work under such trying conditions and that I thought it was great to see a lot of these kids (some teenagers) could still manage to laugh. The nurse pointed to a couple of these kids and told me that they literally had days or maybe weeks to live and that they were aware of this fact. I was floored to say the least but it made me realise that the time with my daughter was so precious and that some problems just don't matter. I've tried to carry that into everyday dealings and I definately look at things a whole lot differently these days.
Whenever I feel myself getting bogged down with problems I try to reflect on what my daughter "taught" me.
My daughter is no longer with me, and there are times when problems do sneak up ( bills, family dramas, the odd crisis, etc) but I try to balance things out just knowing that everything will work out.

Regards
Marty