Negative people
- Thread starter Kerri
- Start date
Positive energy vampire
Here is a business idea - positive energy vampires, Van Helsing negative energy deflector, positive energy warlord, etc for important conferences!
qaz said:I have my positive energy battery. Her name is Monopoly
Here is a business idea - positive energy vampires, Van Helsing negative energy deflector, positive energy warlord, etc for important conferences!
I totally disagree that it is a matter of self control if you want to be happy or not. We excersize a lot of control over our feelings but it is not always within someone's power to become happy when they are not and the only person who can judge that is them. It is not for anyone else to come in and judge them and decide they ought to be happy so they should just snap out of their bad mood and get into a good one. Of course you don't have to endure their winging if you don't want to. That's up to you. You have no idea what is going on in someone's world. Although they may be grumbling about somehing really minor, how do you know what's really worrying them isn't something quite substantial that they don't wish to talk about or don't even acknowledge themselves.
My point is it is not for one person to judge what mood another person should be in. It is very personal. Protect yourself if you need to and offer advice in terms of what works for you if you want but don't expect self help book and positive thinking to work for everyone all thime time because in this world suffering and sadness exist and we all have to deal with it in out own way.
My point is it is not for one person to judge what mood another person should be in. It is very personal. Protect yourself if you need to and offer advice in terms of what works for you if you want but don't expect self help book and positive thinking to work for everyone all thime time because in this world suffering and sadness exist and we all have to deal with it in out own way.
Hi Kerri & others.
Was just reading through this thread again and realised my original post (re my daughter) may have seemed a bit off course or even a bit of a sympathetic plea. This was not intended. The point I was trying to make is that no matter how things may appear at the time, there is ALWAYS people worse off. I know that doesn't help anyone going through something traumatic, but Kerri if you could somehow convey that message to your friend. Reading your post it's obvious that you've had enough tragedy in your life, but the important thing is that you got over it (that's not to say that it's not ok to think about it every now and then) and got on with your life. You are already an example to your friend which may be the reason your thoughts were asked of you from your friend. I agree with others when they say that it's fine to hear a problem from a friend and give your advice, but then you have to be able to walk away without taking that problem with you, you've got your own issues to deal with.
Hope my ramblings make some sense.
All the best
Marty
Was just reading through this thread again and realised my original post (re my daughter) may have seemed a bit off course or even a bit of a sympathetic plea. This was not intended. The point I was trying to make is that no matter how things may appear at the time, there is ALWAYS people worse off. I know that doesn't help anyone going through something traumatic, but Kerri if you could somehow convey that message to your friend. Reading your post it's obvious that you've had enough tragedy in your life, but the important thing is that you got over it (that's not to say that it's not ok to think about it every now and then) and got on with your life. You are already an example to your friend which may be the reason your thoughts were asked of you from your friend. I agree with others when they say that it's fine to hear a problem from a friend and give your advice, but then you have to be able to walk away without taking that problem with you, you've got your own issues to deal with.
Hope my ramblings make some sense.
All the best
Marty
This is a fascinating thread and gives an insight into forum members personalities. The ironic thing with this thread tho is that while people are expecting others to take responsibilty for their own lives and problems, they are at the same time displaying no control over their own by stating these people get them down and they suck their positive energy...etc....as if they have no control over that aspect of their own lives. As Paul Keating once said, always back self interest.
Yes it is funny how finger pointing occurs occasionally, but it is only something to worry about if it is done reflexively (as a habit or coping mechanism) rather than demonstrating an example of a situation. Awareness brings the opportunity to change and in that case a period of hypocrisy is acceptable and expected.
Speaking for myself I am fully aware of what gets me down and what is controllable, but ultimately a feeling is a mix of chemicals. In most times you can change that mix to give you a nice warm fuzzy feeling of well being (practicing certainly worked for me on that one). But those chemicals can stay stubbornly negative if there is an underlaying physical reason for it (read: clinical depression) and more than thinking happy thoughts will be required.
I certainly get aggravated at times with those that have not put in the hard yards of recovery on top of the hard yards of life in general. Being told over and over again "oh no that's not me" or "it won't work" makes me want to scream "well it worked for me!!" (yes I am poking fun at the hypocrisy thingo, but I am human and I do forgive my lapses ).
I don't know that i would have learned as much about myself if I had not married and had children to an active alcoholic and then sought out a 12 step program to help deal with what I had become. Many years down the track and no longer using any support I am an ongoing project, and working on myself makes me the best person i can be at this moment in tme.
Speaking for myself I am fully aware of what gets me down and what is controllable, but ultimately a feeling is a mix of chemicals. In most times you can change that mix to give you a nice warm fuzzy feeling of well being (practicing certainly worked for me on that one). But those chemicals can stay stubbornly negative if there is an underlaying physical reason for it (read: clinical depression) and more than thinking happy thoughts will be required.
I certainly get aggravated at times with those that have not put in the hard yards of recovery on top of the hard yards of life in general. Being told over and over again "oh no that's not me" or "it won't work" makes me want to scream "well it worked for me!!" (yes I am poking fun at the hypocrisy thingo, but I am human and I do forgive my lapses
).I don't know that i would have learned as much about myself if I had not married and had children to an active alcoholic and then sought out a 12 step program to help deal with what I had become. Many years down the track and no longer using any support I am an ongoing project, and working on myself makes me the best person i can be at this moment in tme.
most interesting
likewow, I also enjoyed the irony.
was discussing this sort of thing a while ago with a friend about the reactions stirred up inside self by other people.
working with the public police/health/social work there is the oportunity to meet all types of personalities....usually in the most extreme of circumstances, self harm/horrific accidents/abuse (you name it you treat it)
from the normal people wrong place wrong time to the true bottom dwellers to the poor clueless who will spend their entire life bounced around by circumstances.
I acknowlege that this is a slightly different perspective, professional interaction verses personal interaction but I believe its applicable because the frustration/deppression lingerers on after meeting these.....whattdayoucallit....negative vampires?
what helps ME deal with negative emotions(the question posed in the original post) is the principle centred life talked about in coveys book (I hate self help and cheerleader american gurus but I make an exception for covey).
it helps me to step back and say, I believe in the worth of this person even though I dislike/am .....(insert word here ...) this persons behaviour /conversation. therfore I will behave courteously and in THIER best interests with out compromising MY own worth/principles.
this may mean listening, giving advice, shutting up and nodding or restraining them for thier or others own safety(in a work context ONLY...I was talking to a cop remember, about people including obnoxious drunks who like to spit).
occasionally this means that I have to walk away (as some have suggested here)because I cannot maintain the nessesary objectivity for BOTH our interests to be served, not just mine (I need to be happyyyy... I only talk and meet happeeeee people so piss off the rest of you.....that was sarcasm folks)
if I do this I dont lose my temper. I am not depressed or negative because I have behaved according to my principles and am not vindictive.
I am instead humbled as I try to live up to a standard helping other people as I meet them.
mind you it isnt easy! ( I have just re-read what I wrote and it sounds really twee and pompous!) and there isnt any guarrantee that you dont get depressed living up to an alpine standard!!
this line helps me too...there but for the grace of god....
cheers
Xactly
likewow, I also enjoyed the irony.
was discussing this sort of thing a while ago with a friend about the reactions stirred up inside self by other people.
working with the public police/health/social work there is the oportunity to meet all types of personalities....usually in the most extreme of circumstances, self harm/horrific accidents/abuse (you name it you treat it)
from the normal people wrong place wrong time to the true bottom dwellers to the poor clueless who will spend their entire life bounced around by circumstances.
I acknowlege that this is a slightly different perspective, professional interaction verses personal interaction but I believe its applicable because the frustration/deppression lingerers on after meeting these.....whattdayoucallit....negative vampires?
what helps ME deal with negative emotions(the question posed in the original post) is the principle centred life talked about in coveys book (I hate self help and cheerleader american gurus but I make an exception for covey).
it helps me to step back and say, I believe in the worth of this person even though I dislike/am .....(insert word here ...) this persons behaviour /conversation. therfore I will behave courteously and in THIER best interests with out compromising MY own worth/principles.
this may mean listening, giving advice, shutting up and nodding or restraining them for thier or others own safety(in a work context ONLY...I was talking to a cop remember, about people including obnoxious drunks who like to spit).
occasionally this means that I have to walk away (as some have suggested here)because I cannot maintain the nessesary objectivity for BOTH our interests to be served, not just mine (I need to be happyyyy... I only talk and meet happeeeee people so piss off the rest of you.....that was sarcasm folks)
if I do this I dont lose my temper. I am not depressed or negative because I have behaved according to my principles and am not vindictive.
I am instead humbled as I try to live up to a standard helping other people as I meet them.
mind you it isnt easy! ( I have just re-read what I wrote and it sounds really twee and pompous!) and there isnt any guarrantee that you dont get depressed living up to an alpine standard!!
this line helps me too...there but for the grace of god....
cheers
Xactly
yep
winglight and kerry make great points. including references to depression. often 'suckers' are depressed. depression is an illness and we must learn how to deal whith it honestly and openly. if a blind man asked for your help to cross the street you would help him right??? But like any illness sometimes the best we (as layman) can do is recognise there is a problem and encourage the person to seak treatment. most of us arent medical proffessionals.
but heres the kicker. sometimes bad moods, anger can turn into depression when one feels he/she is not being listened too, or that they are not loved. by not helping those in need you may be helping them on there path toward full blown depression. this can be stopped early by lending an ear and if that means sitting with someone for 24 hours or even days then sometimes thats what needs to be done. the level of sacrifice can sometimes be enough for that person to realise that hey - maybe i am worth it!!!. ive been there and the mate of mine who was going through divorce and all the feeling that come with it - is now fine - and feels indebted to me forever....(which is completley uncalled for and the debt will never be called in) but it does make me feel fantastic that i was able to sacrifice what in the scheme of things, is a small amount of time, to help this person get back on track...
winglight and kerry make great points. including references to depression. often 'suckers' are depressed. depression is an illness and we must learn how to deal whith it honestly and openly. if a blind man asked for your help to cross the street you would help him right??? But like any illness sometimes the best we (as layman) can do is recognise there is a problem and encourage the person to seak treatment. most of us arent medical proffessionals.
but heres the kicker. sometimes bad moods, anger can turn into depression when one feels he/she is not being listened too, or that they are not loved. by not helping those in need you may be helping them on there path toward full blown depression. this can be stopped early by lending an ear and if that means sitting with someone for 24 hours or even days then sometimes thats what needs to be done. the level of sacrifice can sometimes be enough for that person to realise that hey - maybe i am worth it!!!. ive been there and the mate of mine who was going through divorce and all the feeling that come with it - is now fine - and feels indebted to me forever....(which is completley uncalled for and the debt will never be called in) but it does make me feel fantastic that i was able to sacrifice what in the scheme of things, is a small amount of time, to help this person get back on track...
yr right jo
yr right jo. important to set boundaries aswell. if the person isnt helping themselves and you can see co dependancy coming into it - you need to explain to them that you will only help them aslong as they help themselves. let them know that you are there for them no matter what aslong as they dont start TAKING ADVANTAGE of the situation. if they are of sound mind they will listen. if they arent - then they are likely to have problems that i/you cant solve....
no excuse to hold back. (i know yr the one with the degree though hehe)
yr right jo. important to set boundaries aswell. if the person isnt helping themselves and you can see co dependancy coming into it - you need to explain to them that you will only help them aslong as they help themselves. let them know that you are there for them no matter what aslong as they dont start TAKING ADVANTAGE of the situation. if they are of sound mind they will listen. if they arent - then they are likely to have problems that i/you cant solve....
no excuse to hold back. (i know yr the one with the degree though hehe)
Who's controlling your emotions?
Hi Kerri - good post.
A slightly different perspective if I may, borrowed from "7 Habits" (and you're right, a magnificent book)
People can't make you feel one particular way or another - emotions are in our own heads and nobody can reach in and flick a switch from "happy" to "depressed" - we do it to ourselves, even if we don't realise it. I am the ONLY person who is in charge of MY emotions, and I so long as I consciously take control, I can choose to feel happy or sad as may be.
When this sort of situation does happen, I am sympathetic and listen actively, and I support them in becoming more self-directing. But I certainly don't accept the responsibility for how they're feeling and don't choose to be miserable just because they were.
I think you're on the right path. Good luck and keep reading
Hi Kerri - good post.
A slightly different perspective if I may, borrowed from "7 Habits" (and you're right, a magnificent book)
People can't make you feel one particular way or another - emotions are in our own heads and nobody can reach in and flick a switch from "happy" to "depressed" - we do it to ourselves, even if we don't realise it. I am the ONLY person who is in charge of MY emotions, and I so long as I consciously take control, I can choose to feel happy or sad as may be.
When this sort of situation does happen, I am sympathetic and listen actively, and I support them in becoming more self-directing. But I certainly don't accept the responsibility for how they're feeling and don't choose to be miserable just because they were.
I think you're on the right path. Good luck and keep reading
i disagree
people can affect the way you feel. its fact!!! no matter how many tapes you listen too.....
tell blacks, gays, the poor etc that it can't!!
the way people treat you, to some extent will effect your life!!
or else why would it matter how we treat eachother if misery is just a figment of ones imagination. there must be a reason to be good to others - and that because it makes people feel better. 101 ......
so be careful how you treat people!!!
cheers
people can affect the way you feel. its fact!!! no matter how many tapes you listen too.....
tell blacks, gays, the poor etc that it can't!!
the way people treat you, to some extent will effect your life!!
or else why would it matter how we treat eachother if misery is just a figment of ones imagination. there must be a reason to be good to others - and that because it makes people feel better. 101 ......
so be careful how you treat people!!!
cheers
Blue eyes & brown eyes
http://www.horizonmag.com/4/jane-elliott.asp
http://www.newsreel.org/guides/blueeyed.htm
Cheers,
Aceyducey
http://www.horizonmag.com/4/jane-elliott.asp
http://www.newsreel.org/guides/blueeyed.htm
Cheers,
Aceyducey
yr a mind reader
acey - i was gonna quote that documentary in my last message...
acey - i was gonna quote that documentary in my last message...
From Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning"
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's one way."
"...in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences only"
I recognise that external factors can influence the way I feel. However, allowing them to change the way I'm feeling remains a personal choice.
Thanks for the discussion!
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's one way."
"...in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences only"
I recognise that external factors can influence the way I feel. However, allowing them to change the way I'm feeling remains a personal choice.
Thanks for the discussion!
Last edited:
nice example
ren-a. i agree with your last post. i think the interesting word int he quotation is the last one - 'only'. clearly both your environment and your inner mindset will determine how we act in any given situation.
the problem witrh this approach is that it lets the bad guys off the hook!! although it gives you back your liberty to decide how you feel, it takes away the responsibility from people to be good to one another.
this is systematic i think of todays world. we are concerned with mastering our own minds etc yet we give less thought to how we treat others.
i think utopia would be best achieved by treating others as we would want to be treated ourselves. once this is done there will be no need to work on ones self....
the other way around - working on not being offended, influenced negatively by others is very singular and has nothing to do with humanity. i know lots of people who are self sufficient but dont deliver in regards to their wider responsibilities...
anyway this is just my thoughts....
ren-a. i agree with your last post. i think the interesting word int he quotation is the last one - 'only'. clearly both your environment and your inner mindset will determine how we act in any given situation.
the problem witrh this approach is that it lets the bad guys off the hook!! although it gives you back your liberty to decide how you feel, it takes away the responsibility from people to be good to one another.
this is systematic i think of todays world. we are concerned with mastering our own minds etc yet we give less thought to how we treat others.
i think utopia would be best achieved by treating others as we would want to be treated ourselves. once this is done there will be no need to work on ones self....
the other way around - working on not being offended, influenced negatively by others is very singular and has nothing to do with humanity. i know lots of people who are self sufficient but dont deliver in regards to their wider responsibilities...
anyway this is just my thoughts....
Good thread...
Modern behavioural sciences argue that the environment must be considered when determining and analysing behaviour. Freud excluded this and considered the mind to be the sole determinant of behaviour. i.e. You must have had an overbearing mother or some such rubbish...
Social Cognitive Theory (SCT) uses a theory called Triadic Reciprocal Determinism (TRD) in analysing and predicting behaviour. The three components that reciprocally impact each other are Personal traits, Environment and Behaviour itself. Personal traits include all the things talked bout already such as predisposition to depression, or a cultural predisposition to racism. But the environment needs to be considered too. The concentration camp is a good example of the environment not overriding the person. Behaviour is more the third component and is usually the determined component based on the impact of the other two, however behaviour can determine the others. ie. Positive anti-discrimination statements (behaviour) in an office environment (environment) based on individual beliefs (personal traits) can actually impact the environment and make it more receptive to these sorts of statements.
Anyway, all very interesting stuff that I got a quick intro to in my MBA. Did get an HD in that subject tho'
Cheers,
Michael.
Modern behavioural sciences argue that the environment must be considered when determining and analysing behaviour. Freud excluded this and considered the mind to be the sole determinant of behaviour. i.e. You must have had an overbearing mother or some such rubbish...
Social Cognitive Theory (SCT) uses a theory called Triadic Reciprocal Determinism (TRD) in analysing and predicting behaviour. The three components that reciprocally impact each other are Personal traits, Environment and Behaviour itself. Personal traits include all the things talked bout already such as predisposition to depression, or a cultural predisposition to racism. But the environment needs to be considered too. The concentration camp is a good example of the environment not overriding the person. Behaviour is more the third component and is usually the determined component based on the impact of the other two, however behaviour can determine the others. ie. Positive anti-discrimination statements (behaviour) in an office environment (environment) based on individual beliefs (personal traits) can actually impact the environment and make it more receptive to these sorts of statements.
Anyway, all very interesting stuff that I got a quick intro to in my MBA. Did get an HD in that subject tho'
Cheers,
Michael.
ren-A said:From Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning"
"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's one way."
"...in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences only"
I recognise that external factors can influence the way I feel. However, allowing them to change the way I'm feeling remains a personal choice.
Thanks for the discussion!
Okay, this needs to be bronzed and put on the wall of every living room in Australia. Bloody awesome post mate.
