Well *I* think it's funny...

I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians


Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent folks. We don't all blindly follow a bunch of outdated biblical tenets or go all fanatical about every bit of dogma. What I'm trying to say is, don't let the actions of a vocal few color your perceptions about what the majority of us are like.

Like me. I may be a Christian, but it's not like I'm one of those wacko "love your neighbor as yourself " types.

God forbid!

I'm here to tell you there are lots of Christians who aren't anything like the preconceived notions you may have. We're not all into "turning the other cheek." We don't spend our days committing random acts of kindness for no credit. And although we believe that the moral precepts in the Book of Leviticus are the infallible word of God, it doesn't mean we're all obsessed with extremist notions like "righteousness" and "justice."

My faith in the Lord is about the pure, simple values: raising children right, saying grace at the table, strictly forbidding those who are Methodists or Presbyterians from receiving communion because their beliefs are heresies, and curing homosexuals. That's all. Just the core beliefs. You won't see me going on some frothy-mouthed tirade about being a comfort to the downtrodden.

I'm a normal Midwestern housewife. I believe in the basic teachings of the Bible and the church. Divorce is forbidden. A woman is to be an obedient subordinate to the male head of the household. If a man lieth down with another man, they shall be taken out and killed. Things everybody can agree on, like the miracle of glossolalia that occurred during Pentecost, when the Apostles were visited by the Holy Spirit, who took the form of cloven tongues of fire hovering just above their heads. You know, basic common sense stuff.

But that doesn't mean I think people should, like, forgive the sins of those who trespass against them or anything weird like that.

We're not all "Jesus Freaks" who run around screaming about how everyone should "Judge not lest ye be judged," whine "Blessed are the meek" all the time, or drone on and on about how we're all equal in the eyes of God! Some of us are just trying to be good, honest folks who believe the unbaptized will roam the Earth for ages without the comfort of God's love when Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior returns on Judgment Day to whisk the righteous off to heaven.

Now, granted, there are some Christians on the lunatic fringe who take their beliefs a little too far. Take my coworker Karen, for example. She's way off the deep end when it comes to religion: going down to the homeless shelter to volunteer once a month, donating money to the poor, visiting elderly shut-ins with the Meals on Wheels program—you name it!

But believe me, we're not all that way. The people in my church, for the most part, are perfectly ordinary Americans like you and me. They believe in the simple old-fashioned traditions—Christmas, Easter, the slow and deliberate takeover of more and more county school boards to get the political power necessary to ban evolution from textbooks statewide. That sort of thing.

We oppose gay marriage as an abomination against the laws of God and America, we're against gun control, and we fervently and unwaveringly believe that the Jews, Muslims, and all on earth who are not born-again Pentecostalists are possessed by Satan and should be treated as such.

When it comes down to it, all we want is to see every single member of the human race convert to our religion or else be condemned by a jealous and wrathful God to suffer an eternity of agony and torture in the Lake of Fire!

I hope I've helped set the record straight, and I wish you all a very nice day! God bless you!
 
God bless America!

why is her friend a lunatic for helping at a homeless shelter?

I wonder how many homosexuals she has cured :rolleyes:
 
TF, I think satire (and sarcasm, it's less pure form) is a dying art. So much of it goes over the heads of the young today.
 
How are we supposed to know this was satire? Nothing surprises me out of the US these days.. didn't you guys see the old lady at a McCain conference claiming Obama as an Arab?
 
ok, ok.. i read through it a bit too quick the first time.. I only noticed the part about homo's and her lunatic at the shelter.. sorry :eek:
 
I also thought it was funny, and cannot believe that anybody could have read it through and not realised it was a joke :eek:.

Perhaps it is just that we have a rather sarcastic sense of humour in our family.
 
I also thought it was funny, and cannot believe that anybody could have read it through and not realised it was a joke :eek:.

Perhaps it is just that we have a rather sarcastic sense of humour in our family.

To be honest, it would not surprise me one bit if there weren't people saying exactly these things in good ole mid west US of A.

And did you see Sarah P and her turkey kill over the weekend?:eek:
 
Thats some gooood satire Mr TF.
Kudos to you.

I especially love this pearler:
the slow and deliberate takeover of more and more county school boards to get the political power necessary to ban evolution from textbooks statewide.



May you all be touched by his noodly appendage.
 
To be honest, it would not surprise me one bit if there weren't people saying exactly these things in good ole mid west US of A.

And did you see Sarah P and her turkey kill over the weekend?:eek:

But of course there are. :eek: That is the whole point of satire.
 
But of course there are. :eek: That is the whole point of satire.
Which raises an interesting point; if people thought this post was a joke, a joke to me is a funny story but not a true one. Satire, on the other hand is a parody on which actually does happen.
 
I wouldn't have thought it was satire at all. There are plenty of 'Christians' in the US who believe in this manner. Try George W Butthead.

The question I was asking myself was, "Does Token Funder really believe this rubbish?"

I do love The Onion though :)
 
Oh my God!

That is SOOOO funny. I love how the author built it up slowly, starting with beliefs which could almost be excused as normal, then adding to it progressively until it became overwhelmingly apparent that it was A-Grade satire! I love too how it starts as a defensive argument against why Christians shouldn't be judged, given that is a genuine concern the world shares at the moment about the born-again, new-age Christian types in the US.

I thought, OK, convince me! I started reading it and thought: "OK, fair enough that's normal enough". Then I read on and started thinking: "Hah, got ya! I knew you were fruitcakes". Then towards the end I started thinking: "OK, actually you got me! Well done!". I think I started suspecting the satire at "curing homosexuals"... ;)

Excellent stuff, a cut and paste forward to some of my close friends is now in order.

For those of you who don't get satire, just try and read it again slowly and see how clever the author is in building this "trap" for the judgemental types like me. He/she got me hook, line and sinker. Very clever stuff...

:D

Michael
 
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